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Newest Member: doihavechoice (44727)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I help her move out?
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will say that I do not think that she is dragging her feet intentionally. I'm certain she has no desire to stay in this house any longer than necessary.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 213 | Registered: May 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ironic that the SI catch cry "Actions Not Words" is very apt here.

If she truly had no desire to be there she would already be gone.

I don't doubt she doesn't want to do the work required to repair (most of them don't - hell, lots of us don't either).

She has the best of both worlds - bills paid, comfy home etc. Why on earth would she be rushing out to pay her own bills and face the consequences of her actions.

A lot of times they don't want to be our spouses anymore but they still want us to be their spouse, IYKWIM?

They all cake eat for as long as we allow it.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To tell the perfectly honest truth, I'm probably the one dragging my feet. I probably will set a date for her, but I'm in the middle of a job search myself, and I'd rather not shake up our current arrangement until I'm in a more secure situation and know what my schedule is going to be going forward. I don't like having her around, but there are some conveniences that go with it.

A number of weeks ago, I was actually encouraging her to stay around for longer for precisely these practical reasons. She wasn't too keen on that, which is one of the reasons why I say that I don't think she has the intention of sticking around any longer than she has to. Now, of course, job or no job, I pretty much just want her out. But perhaps that gives some perspective.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 213 | Registered: May 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So if the problem is she insists that she needs to move somewhere that doesn't work as well for your DDs best interests AND she can't afford...

What, pray tell are you thinking of doing to help her?

Help pay for more than you are supposed to so she can yet again make selfish choices...on your dime and your time if it will mean a longer drive to exchange your DD?

Find a suitable apartment for her? Just to have her turn it down because if she really wanted to be out, she would have found the apartment by changing her criteria.

In the first scenario the only way you can help her is by financing the lifestyle she's selfishly insisting on. Enabling.

The second is just a waste of your time. She knows full well her other options and refuses to look into them.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11133 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are dragging your heels you need to explore all of the reasons.

Change is hard but it is inevitable. How long will you stay in limbo? Until it becomes more unbearable? Until it becomes flat out hostile? Until you find put she has been bringing OMs into your home/bed?

A long time before DD I found strange head hair on my couch. I thought nothing of it at the time that is how numb and dumb I had made myself.

Do not underestimate her cruelty. She is currently underestimating your resolve. Do not make the same mistake.

Do not delay the inevitable - you will end up with a worse situation than you are in now.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XBH did volunteer to help me move, but a.) I wasn't leaving to be with OM, b.) he wanted me out, and c.) I never asked him for another thing after that anyway. So it might be a little different than your situation, but I thought it was kind of him considering the circumstances and I truly appreciated it. HTH.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? I would be concerned that she is trying to establish a high standard of living before filing. If she can't qualify on her own, she has to be counting on alimony and child support to help foot the bill.

Help if it is clearly to your advantage (not having anything to do with her perception of you) but assume she is acting purely in self interest and proceed with caution.


Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say it's okay to help her if it helps you. Be very clear in your own mind about the reasons you are helping - make sure it is because it benefits you.

In my situation, I guess you could say I helped. I really had no choice because he just took some clothes and left the house, left the marriage, left everything. Can you say abandonment? When I finally moved out of denial city and into file-for-the-fucking-divorce-already reality-land, I moved all his shit into one room and told him to come get it or it was hitting the dumpster. Once the house was sold, I made it clear what I was keeping and told him to pick up what he wanted from the rest or it was history.

I say, do what works for YOU for your own healing. Not to make her life easier.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 28
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