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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: V Happily married best friend says she would Not Want to Know if
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I could know for sure if he's rather stay ignorant or not. Somehow I have a feeling he WOULD prefer being ignorant of truth, while I personally feel I should tell him truth.

Where does this feeling come from? Because I really think the default position should be to tell.

I mentioned that some have said they would rather not know, and the reasons I have seen given. But what I didn't add is that for me personally, I think I would still want to know. Why? Because I deserve to be able to decide what I will and will not live with. Because, IMO, most people are not good at compartmentalizing, and (sorry for the generalization, but it has been my observation here) those that are seem to be the ones who are the least healthy and safe partners.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your friend isn't in the sitch. I wouldn't bet a penny that she knows how she'd really react.

You still think the A is about the BS or about the relationship between the WS and the BS. That's flat out wrong.

The A is about an issue the WS has with him/herself. She's deeply flawed, and her coping mechanism is to cheat.

The deep flaw is the reason you need to tell OBS, because that deep flaw will contribute to continuing betrayal of one sort or another. The WS can't resolve the issue unless she's confronted, and the BS is better placed by far than anyone else is to do the confronting.

You know a critical set of facts about a WS, critical enough to make the OBS kick him out and start over.

How can you give yourself the right to consign the OBS to the Hell of living longer with her her deeply flawed H?

Tell her - give her the chance to be M to an FWS instead of a WS.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:13 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people truly don't want to know.

That being said, most people WERE grateful that they found out about the affair.

One can argue that if you choose to tell this man, or not to, you are choosing for him.

One choice saves his life from lies, betrayal, and a false marriage. It protects him from contracting STI's from his immoral partner. It gives him a shot at happiness: he can choose to stick his head in the sand and allow the behavior to continue, he can choose to stay in the marriage and work on it, or he can choose to leave and find someone who doesn't cheat on him.

Choosing to to tell him does protect him from having a d-day, BUT THAT IS IT.

Personally, I would tell him. If he happens to be one of those people who really would have preferred not to find out- fine. But you are telling him and coming from a place of trying to be considerate of him. It's not coming from a place of trying to hurt him.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing to to tell him does protect him from having a d-day, BUT THAT IS IT

Dday is the day he finds out...there is no protection from that...

He deserves to know.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know when people are truly happily in love with no issues, it is easy to say they would not want to know. They can imagine that the only issue with an A is one of genital proximity, and after it's over it is not a whole lot different than someone having had previous sexual partners before the marriage.

Those of us here know different, that A's are not just a matter of genital proximity (after all, nobody agonizes over whether to R or D a rape victim), and a whole lot of marriage issues often get manufactured to justify the A, not to mention all the spousal issues that must already be present in order to have the A.

Oh yeah, also when people are happy, many of them have a tendency to not want to know anything unpleasant. Many feel ignorance is bliss. The truth is, ignorance is quite painful, the ignorant just can't figure out where the pain is coming from.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about additional affairs years after the fact. Did it do me any good? NO. We were rebuilding and adding that new info did nothing but cause more pain. The affairs were more than over with.

If you aren't comfortable telling because your don't know what chain of events it will cause...then don't. This does not rest on your shoulders alone. The WS spouse should be the one to tell but we all know this doesn't always happen.

It is ok to focus on you and your healing. You can always tell later if you feel it is right.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your friend's imagination probably went no further than thinking of her husband picking up a barfly at a hotel on a trip or something, regretting it later, loving her dearly and would feel horrible that he did it - so no need to mention it. She can't AT ALL imagine her husband one day gleefully trying to poison her life just to hold onto an affair, because she can't yet imagine him not loving her or not being her best friend, talking s**t about her to everyone he knows to excuse his affair, or to make others think she's awful in case one day he does decide to leave and he would get the empathy, and rather than loving her would be her stealth enemy stabbing her in the back at every turn.


She has no idea what the mind-f**k an affair can be, the deceiving and actual damage done to finances and to a spouse's best interests when making her own decisions, such as some BS having a second child not knowing a spouse has a mistress and is blowing all the retirement money on work trips that are really tropical vacations with mistress. Or that the mistress picks out BS'es Christmas gifts. Or that WS is getting addicted, spending family cash on drugs, or has a second family in another city. Complete mind-f**cks.

You don't know until you live it, and she has no clue.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 1:51 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH has expressed that if I did this to him he would not want to know. When his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we were not allowed to discuss it. I had to beg and plea for him to go visit her in the hospital. He loved her - they were best friends, but he would pretend like there was nothing wrong both before and after she passed. "Why talk about it if it doesn't make me feel better?" was his mentality.

My mother said the same thing to me. She's not someone to ever go to for sympathy because she does not believe in acknowledging pain or suffering. When her mother (mentally ill) disappeared (I was 1 year old) the neighbors said it was eerie because she acted like nothing was wrong. To this day I can barely get her to acknowledge that it happened. (San Francisco did a Jane Doe sweep of medical records and missing people reports 7 years later and identified her as someone what had passed away shortly after her disappearance.)

I know two people who think that rugsweeping is an effective way to life your life. I'm sad for them, and a little for me. It makes it hard to live in reality when two of the people closest to me construct their reality around them in an effort not to have to feel any negative emotions.

I get that it is everyone's right to deal with things as they see fit. I think that the analogy of not going to the doctor because you don't want to know if you have a terminal illness fits perfectly. I guess you can pretend that everything's fine and hope that the bubble never bursts. I'd rather know that there was a ticking time bomb in the hopes that I can somehow diffuse it.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16437 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think that. I was madly in love and we were wildly happy. My husband was a happy cheater and still would be if I had not found out. I used to hear about affairs and people finding out and I even said " I would not want to know."....until I sat there with the potential "knowledge" right in my face and had to make a decision to "know or not know". I could have not clicked open the contents of emails staring me in the face on my H's work computer. I could have simply printed out my coupons that he told me I could print out and gone on my way. The thing is when something "off" stands out and your radar goes off with the "hmmm that is odd" it is really hard to put that genie back in the bottle. If I had really not wanted to know (and I really believed that would be true for me), I would have not opened the emails. It was my option in that moment. It was funny how fast I went from "I'd never want to know, it would ruin my perfect fairytale life to I WANT to know -everything- now" when the number of emails in his box between him and a female co-worker looked strangely "high".

It is easy to say you don't want to know when you have zero fear or suspicions or zero evidence staring you in the face. She has no clue.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 467 | Registered: Apr 2009
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've met people who said they wouldn't want to know. But until it actually happens who really knows how they would react.
I equate it with - would I want to know I possibly had a deadly disease? Yes, so that I could do everything possible to save my life.
Same with my M.
Not wanting to know is like sticking your head in the ground.
IMO.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As usual Sisoon you are right on. When the wife of the couple H and I were friends with and our 20 year old son was working for was found to be having an affair with our son my H had NO trouble telling the BH. But even tho this happened a couple years after his A he never thought I should know about his A.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the truth is that no matter how close a person might be to their friends...you really have no idea what is going on in a person's marriage. no matter what they tell you. you just dont. every marriage has its own dna. that is one thing i have learned through all of this. and it is not always the case that hints, or signs are evident....nope. there are many people on these boards who had no idea they were being cheated on...and were "happy" like your bestfriend. that is why affairs are so devastating....they knock you on your feet...and you end up wondering..."i thought we were so happy?" so many bs on here have gone on and on about how loving and supportive their spouses were even during the affair.

deep down, i bet your friend would definitely want to know if her life is a lie...and if her husband was having sex with someone behind her back.

like the other posters have said....no one know how they would react when being told that their spouse cheated...no one.

i have not seen a betrayed spouse yet who after the discovery of the affair...over time...wished she didnt know the truth about her life...as painful as the truth is.

i am sure that the ow husband will be devastated...but she has a right to know that her life is a lie. she will hate that you told her the info...and wish....no...pray that it isnt true...but at the end of the day...she will be grateful to know the truth about her life.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the truth is that no matter how close a person might be to their friends...you really have no idea what is going on in a person's marriage. no matter what they tell you. you just dont. every marriage has its own dna. that is one thing i have learned through all of this. and it is not always the case that hints, or signs are evident....nope. there are many people on these boards who had no idea they were being cheated on...and were "happy" like your bestfriend. that is why affairs are so devastating....they knock you on your feet...and you end up wondering..."i thought we were so happy?" so many bs on here have gone on and on about how loving and supportive their spouses were even during the affair.

deep down, i bet your friend would definitely want to know if her life is a lie...and if her husband was having sex with someone behind her back.

like the other posters have said....no one know how they would react when being told that their spouse cheated...no one.

i have not seen a betrayed spouse yet who after the discovery of the affair...over time...wished she didnt know the truth about her life...as painful as the truth is.

i am sure that the ow husband will be devastated...but she has a right to know that her life is a lie. she will hate that you told her the info...and wish....no...pray that it isnt true...but at the end of the day...she will be grateful to know the truth about her life.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
purplebreeze
♀ Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes men and their penis's realize they're going to die one day and in one part of their brain cannot imagine not being able to feel the highest sexual thrills again. All this even while being very happily married. It's evolutionary psychology they say: This is painful for me to wrap my head around (and of course in my own thread i'm now entering a different topic, sorry!!!).. but i've read over and over again, that many men and many women prefer variety if possible and find it hard to stay 100% monogamous EVEN if happily married just because new sex, different sex, is just . . . different and a lot of fun.

This makes so much sense for me in understanding my husband. He had been faithful our whole marriage and then lost his parents within 5 months of each other. He had lost his only sibling long ago and this meant that all his immediate childhood family was gone. I am sure he looked at his mortality and went for the gusto. Having lost all but 1 member of my childhood family, I see my mortality, but have not been tempted, so the broken thing in them allows them to push on for the fun and excitement.

I always thought I wouldn't want to know, but now I see that finding out when I did was a blessing because it stopped it cold. Getting him to face it and himself has been a long journey.


me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2011
healingk
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may already be suspicious, maybe he just needs the truth, and has not found it yet?? I was suspicious and stayed very normal acting until I got the truth. Do him a favor and tell him the truth.


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
healingk
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and P.S. I would do the OW no favors and not telling him is doing her a favor.. But I just think like that??


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though MCOW and her BH come from a certain class of society who don't think infidelity is such a big deal, I would tell the MCOW's BH if I could. On principle and because of the STD I was diagnosed with post-A.

I would never want to be in the dark like that again, I almost completely lost my mind last summer. I knew my fWH was cheating but he wouldn't admit it when I asked. I had to leave my job because I was falling apart. I was as equally traumatized by the A while it was happening behind my back and as I was by DDay.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Caldwell
♀ New Member
Member # 37613
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone in my life told me the same thing- she wouldn't want to know. They've been "happily" married for almost 40 years.

I think there are people with certain temperaments that figure 'ignorance is bliss', and they truly don't want to know.

That being said, I'm uncertain as to how interested those same people are in living in truth. Truth is really important to me.


Me: BW (54)
WS: (55)
Married: 31 years
2 DDs, 23 & 13
D-Day# 1: November 1999 EA with employee
D-Day#2: 4/2/2012 EA with employee
D-Day #3: 11/2/2012 Found out 1999 EA was actually a PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of great points of view. For some people, ignorance is bliss...until the unfaithful spouse believes he/she has fallen in love with an AP (either the current one, or perhaps the next one), and unceremoniously pulls the rug out from under their blissfully ignorant partner. Most folks who have an affair and leave their relationship don't start off imagining, or even thinking about where it will lead, let alone end. They usually don't start off with immediate proclamations of love and commitment to the AP. Lots of marriages can survive an affair, but it's pretty hard to do once someone has engaged in an affair that results in an exit from the marriage. Your friend perhaps seems to be imagining an A that stays underground forever and does no damage, but what about the A that insidiously pulls the WS away from family, or that becomes an exit A? And how do you really know in advance which type of A is occurring? I would even further guess that there is really no such thing as an A that doesn't in some way damage the parties involved--wittingly or otherwise.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Apr 2008
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to each and everyone of you for replying . I wish I could address each one of you personally .

With my friend, who I know as well as anyone can, I am sure SHE prefers ignorant bliss. She's always been a Pollyanna. Of course there would be caveats, if the issue was discussed in more depth.

Personally, I would have welcomed the truth waaaaay earlier than I stumbled upon it.

I will likely tell. Logistics in getting to BS are huge. And possible unseen fallout which could be hurtful to me is of some concern.

I will start a new thread about those sometime soon, and for those who might be tired of my quandary when so many feel so strongly ,I hope u can understand thar this is really not a black and white issue for me, at all.

Thanks to everyone and I hope that wherever you are in your healing, that you are making progress toward peacefulness in your hearts. Or however you would describe it!


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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