Wish I could know for sure if he's rather stay ignorant or not. Somehow I have a feeling he WOULD prefer being ignorant of truth, while I personally feel I should tell him truth.
Where does this feeling come from? Because I really think the default position should be to tell.
I mentioned that some have said they would rather not know, and the reasons I have seen given. But what I didn't add is that for me personally, I think I would still want to know. Why? Because I deserve to be able to decide what I will and will not live with. Because, IMO, most people are not good at compartmentalizing, and (sorry for the generalization, but it has been my observation here) those that are seem to be the ones who are the least healthy and safe partners.
You still think the A is about the BS or about the relationship between the WS and the BS. That's flat out wrong.
The A is about an issue the WS has with him/herself. She's deeply flawed, and her coping mechanism is to cheat.
The deep flaw is the reason you need to tell OBS, because that deep flaw will contribute to continuing betrayal of one sort or another. The WS can't resolve the issue unless she's confronted, and the BS is better placed by far than anyone else is to do the confronting.
You know a critical set of facts about a WS, critical enough to make the OBS kick him out and start over.
How can you give yourself the right to consign the OBS to the Hell of living longer with her her deeply flawed H?
Tell her - give her the chance to be M to an FWS instead of a WS.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:13 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
That being said, most people WERE grateful that they found out about the affair.
One can argue that if you choose to tell this man, or not to, you are choosing for him.
One choice saves his life from lies, betrayal, and a false marriage. It protects him from contracting STI's from his immoral partner. It gives him a shot at happiness: he can choose to stick his head in the sand and allow the behavior to continue, he can choose to stay in the marriage and work on it, or he can choose to leave and find someone who doesn't cheat on him.
Choosing to to tell him does protect him from having a d-day, BUT THAT IS IT.
Personally, I would tell him. If he happens to be one of those people who really would have preferred not to find out- fine. But you are telling him and coming from a place of trying to be considerate of him. It's not coming from a place of trying to hurt him.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Choosing to to tell him does protect him from having a d-day, BUT THAT IS IT
Dday is the day he finds out...there is no protection from that...
He deserves to know.
Those of us here know different, that A's are not just a matter of genital proximity (after all, nobody agonizes over whether to R or D a rape victim), and a whole lot of marriage issues often get manufactured to justify the A, not to mention all the spousal issues that must already be present in order to have the A.
Oh yeah, also when people are happy, many of them have a tendency to not want to know anything unpleasant. Many feel ignorance is bliss. The truth is, ignorance is quite painful, the ignorant just can't figure out where the pain is coming from.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
If you aren't comfortable telling because your don't know what chain of events it will cause...then don't. This does not rest on your shoulders alone. The WS spouse should be the one to tell but we all know this doesn't always happen.
It is ok to focus on you and your healing. You can always tell later if you feel it is right.
She has no idea what the mind-f**k an affair can be, the deceiving and actual damage done to finances and to a spouse's best interests when making her own decisions, such as some BS having a second child not knowing a spouse has a mistress and is blowing all the retirement money on work trips that are really tropical vacations with mistress. Or that the mistress picks out BS'es Christmas gifts. Or that WS is getting addicted, spending family cash on drugs, or has a second family in another city. Complete mind-f**cks.
You don't know until you live it, and she has no clue.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 1:51 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
My mother said the same thing to me. She's not someone to ever go to for sympathy because she does not believe in acknowledging pain or suffering. When her mother (mentally ill) disappeared (I was 1 year old) the neighbors said it was eerie because she acted like nothing was wrong. To this day I can barely get her to acknowledge that it happened. (San Francisco did a Jane Doe sweep of medical records and missing people reports 7 years later and identified her as someone what had passed away shortly after her disappearance.)
I know two people who think that rugsweeping is an effective way to life your life. I'm sad for them, and a little for me. It makes it hard to live in reality when two of the people closest to me construct their reality around them in an effort not to have to feel any negative emotions.
I get that it is everyone's right to deal with things as they see fit. I think that the analogy of not going to the doctor because you don't want to know if you have a terminal illness fits perfectly. I guess you can pretend that everything's fine and hope that the bubble never bursts. I'd rather know that there was a ticking time bomb in the hopes that I can somehow diffuse it.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
It is easy to say you don't want to know when you have zero fear or suspicions or zero evidence staring you in the face. She has no clue.
deep down, i bet your friend would definitely want to know if her life is a lie...and if her husband was having sex with someone behind her back.
like the other posters have said....no one know how they would react when being told that their spouse cheated...no one.
i have not seen a betrayed spouse yet who after the discovery of the affair...over time...wished she didnt know the truth about her life...as painful as the truth is.
i am sure that the ow husband will be devastated...but she has a right to know that her life is a lie. she will hate that you told her the info...and wish....no...pray that it isnt true...but at the end of the day...she will be grateful to know the truth about her life.
I think sometimes men and their penis's realize they're going to die one day and in one part of their brain cannot imagine not being able to feel the highest sexual thrills again. All this even while being very happily married. It's evolutionary psychology they say: This is painful for me to wrap my head around (and of course in my own thread i'm now entering a different topic, sorry!!!).. but i've read over and over again, that many men and many women prefer variety if possible and find it hard to stay 100% monogamous EVEN if happily married just because new sex, different sex, is just . . . different and a lot of fun.
This makes so much sense for me in understanding my husband. He had been faithful our whole marriage and then lost his parents within 5 months of each other. He had lost his only sibling long ago and this meant that all his immediate childhood family was gone. I am sure he looked at his mortality and went for the gusto. Having lost all but 1 member of my childhood family, I see my mortality, but have not been tempted, so the broken thing in them allows them to push on for the fun and excitement.
I always thought I wouldn't want to know, but now I see that finding out when I did was a blessing because it stopped it cold. Getting him to face it and himself has been a long journey.
I would never want to be in the dark like that again, I almost completely lost my mind last summer. I knew my fWH was cheating but he wouldn't admit it when I asked. I had to leave my job because I was falling apart. I was as equally traumatized by the A while it was happening behind my back and as I was by DDay.
We are in R.
I think there are people with certain temperaments that figure 'ignorance is bliss', and they truly don't want to know.
That being said, I'm uncertain as to how interested those same people are in living in truth. Truth is really important to me.
With my friend, who I know as well as anyone can, I am sure SHE prefers ignorant bliss. She's always been a Pollyanna. Of course there would be caveats, if the issue was discussed in more depth.
Personally, I would have welcomed the truth waaaaay earlier than I stumbled upon it.
I will likely tell. Logistics in getting to BS are huge. And possible unseen fallout which could be hurtful to me is of some concern.
I will start a new thread about those sometime soon, and for those who might be tired of my quandary when so many feel so strongly ,I hope u can understand thar this is really not a black and white issue for me, at all.
Thanks to everyone and I hope that wherever you are in your healing, that you are making progress toward peacefulness in your hearts. Or however you would describe it!