I continue to struggle.
Please do the right thing and tell the OW's BH. He has a right to know about his marriage so he can decide what is best for him. By withholding this information, you are allowing the people that betrayed the BH to choose what is best for him. IMO, that is so wrong.
Yes, your WS may not have any of those diseases. However you don't know that his OW is his only Twue Wuv. That's why you (presumably) got tested for STDs/HIV. Because everyone that the OW slept with, essentially slept with him, and then with you. It's the same for the other BS.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
FWH used protection he told me. He didn't. Found that out after I joined SI and everyone told me he is lying. Yeah, he was. Got that TT 8 months after d-day.
I always thought I would kick my husbands ass to the curb if he cheated. Found out that wasn't what I did, either.
My point is this, everyone "knows" what they would want in the hypothetical. Reality is quite different. When your very happily married friend acquires some STD, maybe HIV, you can reassure yourself that she really didn't want to know.
just that sexually he wanted something that a long term monogamous relationship just cannot offer
I realized that I really did want to know. The reason is that FWH had some issues that he needed to deal with. His coping mechanisms ( cheating) were not healthy. Even if my FWH's was a "one off" he has to figure out what made him think it was okay to do that and to take measures that it won't ever happen again. Otherwise, the next time the same situations arise what would stop him for coping in the same ways? (cheating)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
There are a lot of good reasons a person who "considers themselves happy" would not want to choose to feel devastating pain and subject their children to pain.
That's all. It's bigger than the truth. It affects entire lives and not just those of the WS and BS. It's a huge, monumental experience in life! We all know the pain. The complications. No matter what we do. It steals our life.
Maybe my friend knows her own ability to cope. Or not cope. And she says No, i wouldn't want to know. Do not want to cope with that one.
Then again, I didn't have any qualms about making sure OBS was informed, since I was his friend and learned that his wife was vilifying him.
And you are sooooo right. She is likely the exception! Because most spouses of people being unfaithful FEEL the holes in the marriage/relationship and so exposure of the affair, however painful, allows them to understand the hole and choose to leave or repair.
I cannot know if the BS in this case is happy, feels loved and supported. Probably he feels holes in marriage and either doesn't think about them (denial, not thinking or just busy/distracting himself) OR feels holes but does not want to or know how to fix. Accepts as just life.
Wish I could know for sure if he's rather stay ignorant or not. Somehow I have a feeling he WOULD prefer being ignorant of truth, while I personally feel I should tell him truth.
If only I could know! I will consider your exception to the rule theory seriously!! Thank you for helping me out.
This is the exact situation of my friend: she truly feels loved and supported, etc, she feels very happy.
If this is the case and her H were having an A...her life would be a lie.
I would want to live something that's real, not be a clueless wife attached to my husband for the sake of "things looking good"
No thanks...give me truth and the ability to walk a path that I feel is best for me.
I think sometimes men and their penis's realize they're going to die one day and in one part of their brain cannot imagine not being able to feel the highest sexual thrills again. All this even while being very happily married. It's evolutionary psychology they say: This is painful for me to wrap my head around (and of course in my own thread i'm now entering a different topic, sorry!!!).. but i've read over and over again, that many men and many women prefer variety if possible and find it hard to stay 100% monogamous EVEN if happily married just because new sex, different sex, is just . . . different and a lot of fun.
There are a lot of BS's here on SI who swore they would leave if their spouse cheated..yet we didn't.
The truth is,you never know how you're going to deal with a traumatic situation until you're faced with it.
Your friend wouldn't want to know? She would rather live a lie with a man who continues to betray her and disrespect her and put her health and life at risk because of STD's? She would rather be the wife that had no idea..while everyone around her knew her WH was cheating on her?
No thanks. I want to know the truth about my marriage,my life,and my husband.
I would never choose ignorance. Knowledge is power.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
[This message edited by confused615 at 10:11 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]
All this even while being very happily married. It's evolutionary psychology they say
Not everyone believes that infidelity is wrong. In some cases, a WS's decision to stray outside the marriage may have little to do with how satisfied they are with their spouse or their marriage.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:40 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
But WH's A was not about getting a bit of strange. We all want that. It was about lots of other dysfunctional stuff that was going on inside him, that he had to deal with. If your Ned to get a bit of strange overrides your genuine love for your spouse, then there's something more serious going on. Would you really want to be ignorant of that? I don't think so.