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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: V Happily married best friend says she would Not Want to Know if
TheAgonyOfIt
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. Just spent few days with my truly most happily married friend who after 26 years is truly in love with DH. I have not yet told her about my situation because i just can't yet! We talked endlessly for 4 days and i did ask her: if your DH cheated on you, would you want to know. She said "absolutley not, I'd be devastated." Then she said " I used to think I'd want to know, but now I know I wouldn't not want to know; why would I want to be devastated?" So as I continue to wonder endlessly about whether or not to tell my WS's OW's BH, i have to take this into consideration!! She would really rather continue to stay in love with husband (really, her marriage is good, even great; if he cheated it would be one of those situations in which the marriage was truly happy; just that sexually he wanted something that a long term monogamous relationship just cannot offer."

I continue to struggle.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
HardenMyHeart
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Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember, nobody really knows how they would react to infidelity until it actually happens to them.

Please do the right thing and tell the OW's BH. He has a right to know about his marriage so he can decide what is best for him. By withholding this information, you are allowing the people that betrayed the BH to choose what is best for him. IMO, that is so wrong.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Aug 2007
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This topic came up a few weeks ago and several posters here said the exact same thing.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1232 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean no disrespect to your friend at all, but that's sort of like saying that you don't want to go to the doctor because you'd rather not know if you have cancer or not. Ignorance can indeed be bliss at times, but not on major, potentially life-changing or life-ending things like infidelity. HIV/AIDS, HPV, etc., is not something that I would want to find out about after it was well established in my body and was shortening my lifespan all for the "bliss" of a few more months of happy ignorance.

Yes, your WS may not have any of those diseases. However you don't know that his OW is his only Twue Wuv. That's why you (presumably) got tested for STDs/HIV. Because everyone that the OW slept with, essentially slept with him, and then with you. It's the same for the other BS.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SisterMilkshake
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Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to feel I didn't want to know either. The first few months after d-day (and before I found SI) I really thought I didn't want to know.

FWH used protection he told me. He didn't. Found that out after I joined SI and everyone told me he is lying. Yeah, he was. Got that TT 8 months after d-day.

I always thought I would kick my husbands ass to the curb if he cheated. Found out that wasn't what I did, either.

My point is this, everyone "knows" what they would want in the hypothetical. Reality is quite different. When your very happily married friend acquires some STD, maybe HIV, you can reassure yourself that she really didn't want to know.

just that sexually he wanted something that a long term monogamous relationship just cannot offer
Is that what your friend said or what you are saying? I am floored by it, no matter who said it. You can have a mostly happy marriage even if your spouse goes outside the marriage because they want a little strange?

I realized that I really did want to know. The reason is that FWH had some issues that he needed to deal with. His coping mechanisms ( cheating) were not healthy. Even if my FWH's was a "one off" he has to figure out what made him think it was okay to do that and to take measures that it won't ever happen again. Otherwise, the next time the same situations arise what would stop him for coping in the same ways? (cheating)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TheAgonyOfIt
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi sistermilkshake, thanks for response... re your being floored by my saying: "just that sexually he wanted something that a long term monogamous relationship just cannot offer."... I said that, with pain, as if i was offering that up as a (very painful) "reason" an otherwise truly happily married man might cheat. It's like Not Just Friends and After the Affair books say: sometimes men in very happy marriages will stray and i've read elsewhere that of course marriage or any long term relationship cannot possibly offer what "strange" can offer. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. It's just different, can be (for some, for a while, more torrid that a long term, however, loving, relationship) can realistically offer. I think sometimes men and their penis's realize they're going to die one day and in one part of their brain cannot imagine not being able to feel the highest sexual thrills again. All this even while being very happily married. This is painful for me to wrap my head around (and of course in my own thread i'm now entering a different topic, sorry!!!).. but i've read over and over again, that many men and many women prefer variety if possible and find it hard to stay monogamous EVEN if happily married just because new sex, different sex, is just . . . different and a lot of fun. Yes, it's painful to read this; i want to deny it. I want men to want to be only with their wives, to not have outside urges, point is, many of them struggle and possibly (i dare say) they struggle more than women, and sometimes they fail. I mean this for men in Happy Marriages; not for men who stray because of other issues within themselves/marriages; I'm referring here to men who stay just due to sexual desire, period.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
TheAgonyOfIt
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dear hardenmyheart, dark inertia, skan, thanks for responses. i do understand what you say and i thank you for adding to the discussion. You are right; her declaration of prefering "ignorant bliss" would change if she had been exposed to an STD. But let's say there was not an STD transmitted. Then she would NOT want to know. How can I know that my WS's OW's BS wouldn't prefer the same? Not knowing. Not hurting. Not suffering. Not having their entire lives turned upside down and around and in hula hoops and circles and tumblesaults. (sp). Not possibly divorcing, not ignoring their kids for months/years while they figure out whether to deal with infidelity or divorce.

There are a lot of good reasons a person who "considers themselves happy" would not want to choose to feel devastating pain and subject their children to pain.

That's all. It's bigger than the truth. It affects entire lives and not just those of the WS and BS. It's a huge, monumental experience in life! We all know the pain. The complications. No matter what we do. It steals our life.

Maybe my friend knows her own ability to cope. Or not cope. And she says No, i wouldn't want to know. Do not want to cope with that one.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
cdnmommy
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Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The majority of the time I have read a BS saying they wish they had not known I when the WS has managed to live a double life so successfully that the BS had no idea, felt loved and supported, etc. Since I think that is the exception, I would not want to make a decision to keep vital information from someone else based on the low probability that OW is a master compartmentalizer and has been an apparently devoted wife.

Then again, I didn't have any qualms about making sure OBS was informed, since I was his friend and learned that his wife was vilifying him.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
TheAgonyOfIt
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dear cdnmommy, you make an excellent, excellent point!!! This is the exact situation of my friend: she truly feels loved and supported, etc, she feels very happy.

And you are sooooo right. She is likely the exception! Because most spouses of people being unfaithful FEEL the holes in the marriage/relationship and so exposure of the affair, however painful, allows them to understand the hole and choose to leave or repair.

I cannot know if the BS in this case is happy, feels loved and supported. Probably he feels holes in marriage and either doesn't think about them (denial, not thinking or just busy/distracting himself) OR feels holes but does not want to or know how to fix. Accepts as just life.

Wish I could know for sure if he's rather stay ignorant or not. Somehow I have a feeling he WOULD prefer being ignorant of truth, while I personally feel I should tell him truth.

If only I could know! I will consider your exception to the rule theory seriously!! Thank you for helping me out.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
wanttofeelwhole
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Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, if it were the type of situation that no one else knew and I wouldn't one day be blind sided, I wouldn't want to know. I found this horror so damaging to me, and yes I realize it is due to former issues (not marriage related), that even if my marriage was unhappy I would rather see it fall apart than live with this.
I understand the health issue and that's scary, more so for men because most women get checked yearly from gyn.
This horror has completely changed me and I like the old me better. Yes I am stronger and not as naive, but I was truly happier before.


Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
seekingtomorrow
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Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think I wouldn't want to know, but now I do know i hate that i was in the dark for such a long time, i think it is near impossible for infidelity to never ever get suspected or found out, so it not so not telling someone just prolongs the suspicion or delays the pain,, and i think delaying the pain makes everything more painful and confusing when it is discovered.


D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
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Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the exact situation of my friend: she truly feels loved and supported, etc, she feels very happy.

If this is the case and her H were having an A...her life would be a lie.

I would want to live something that's real, not be a clueless wife attached to my husband for the sake of "things looking good"

No thanks...give me truth and the ability to walk a path that I feel is best for me.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
IAmPsycho
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Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people who say they wouldn't want to know are in the minority. I think most people would want to know. I would tell the other BS because, for me, being kept in the dark was one of the worst parts about the A.


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
SisterMilkshake
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Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheAgonyOfIt there is a t/j thread in the General forum called "T/J from Recon forum about monogamy" that you may find interesting. I didn't want to totally t/j your thread here and respond to what your response to me was. But, my response is in the t/j thread. As are many other very wise responses to what you are saying about:
I think sometimes men and their penis's realize they're going to die one day and in one part of their brain cannot imagine not being able to feel the highest sexual thrills again. All this even while being very happily married. It's evolutionary psychology they say: This is painful for me to wrap my head around (and of course in my own thread i'm now entering a different topic, sorry!!!).. but i've read over and over again, that many men and many women prefer variety if possible and find it hard to stay 100% monogamous EVEN if happily married just because new sex, different sex, is just . . . different and a lot of fun.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's easy to say "if this happened then I would do XYZ."

There are a lot of BS's here on SI who swore they would leave if their spouse cheated..yet we didn't.

The truth is,you never know how you're going to deal with a traumatic situation until you're faced with it.

Your friend wouldn't want to know? She would rather live a lie with a man who continues to betray her and disrespect her and put her health and life at risk because of STD's? She would rather be the wife that had no idea..while everyone around her knew her WH was cheating on her?

No thanks. I want to know the truth about my marriage,my life,and my husband.

I would never choose ignorance. Knowledge is power.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7319 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Missymomma
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Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As many here have stated, how you think you will react and how you react are 2 different things. I had always stupidly said that my husband having had sex with someone he didn't know over an affair, would be less hurtful. I had never considered him having sex with so MANY people he didn't know. So, no one really knows until they are dealing with the situation.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling the OBS could be doing him the biggest favor ever. If he finds out now, maybe R will still be an option...or maybe D will set him free. If his WW is continuing to cheat, and will for another year or four, that choice could be much harder, and he will have had much more time stolen from him.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel bad for the OBH...everyone around him is making decisions for HIM...this is HIS life..like you said..he probably knows something is wrong..but he doesn't know what..or his WW is telling him it's because he's not doing "this" or "that." So he may be knocking himself out to try and repair his marriage..but nothing he does makes a difference..because he is fixing things that aren't broken...he may be turning himself inside out to please his wife...and he is not the problem..she is.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:11 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7319 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HardenMyHeart
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Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All this even while being very happily married. It's evolutionary psychology they say

Not everyone believes that infidelity is wrong. In some cases, a WS's decision to stray outside the marriage may have little to do with how satisfied they are with their spouse or their marriage.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:40 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Aug 2007
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agony, I was in what I considered a very happy marriage and felt (mostly) supported by my WH. He was always kind and affection, loved giving me presents, made a huge fuss over my birthday, anniversaries, lots of ILYs, phone calls during the day, etc.

But WH's A was not about getting a bit of strange. We all want that. It was about lots of other dysfunctional stuff that was going on inside him, that he had to deal with. If your Ned to get a bit of strange overrides your genuine love for your spouse, then there's something more serious going on. Would you really want to be ignorant of that? I don't think so.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 41
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