Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: downanout (45360)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Grrrr. Family.
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, FWH's sister had a birthday party for her youngest yesterday. I thought it was just family but she had friends there, including a neighbor and her baby. Part way through, she commented on the coffee mug my FWH was using. SIL collects coffee mugs, and apparently this was "her" mug when she comes over. It was in the cupboard and FWH just happened to pick it. There was some back and forth, but FWH did not engage in anything inappropriate, even though I felt this woman was tring to get him to flirt.

She left before we did and we helped clean up. FWH said to his SIL, "I put K's mug back in the cupboard." No biggie. Well, SIL gets out her phone and texts this woman "FWH says...." Then, there was a whole text exchange between them "no thanks, it's tainted now." "My brother isn't diseased" etc. FWH did not get involved, but it made me feel uncomfortable. His sister is getting divorced from the OM from her first marriage, and has had several inappropriate relationships. She has no boundaries, and while I consider her a friend of the marriage, in that I don't think she would deliberately do anything to hurt our M, I am concerned. She likes to drop by our place for coffee unannounced since FWH works from home, and I have this fear that she will show up with this woman sometime. I can see her talking up FWH to this woman.

She doesn't know about the A, and I don't really want her to. I think if she or MIL knew we would be gossip fodder for the whole extended family. I shared my worry with FWH who said if they showed up he would tell her he couldn't stop for coffee. He is empathetic and sorry that he put us in this position, but we are here.

It may never happen, but if it does, what to do? I feel like I'm worrying for nothing but I get a bad feeling about this woman and it is something I can see his sister doing.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I shared my worry with FWH who said if they showed up he would tell her he couldn't stop for coffee. He is empathetic and sorry that he put us in this position, but we are here.

I like how your FWH already has a plan to put up a wall to protect your marriage. He sounds like he understands how he hurt you and wants to protect you.

Does he see his sisters lack of boundaries? Did he notice that the neighbor was flirting with him? How did he feel about that?


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, anytime there is someone who has poor boundaries and is involved in adulterous activities, that automatically qualifies them as "not a friend of the marriage" in my book. What are they gonna do, talk bad about their own actions to get someone else to save their M? Not likely. They'll likely go on and on about how their BIL doesn't have diseases so he's safe.... sorta like what your SIL just did to the friend.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he see his sisters lack of boundaries? Did he notice that the neighbor was flirting with him? How did he feel about that?

He agrees that his sister acts inappropriately, and it bothers him. As for the neighbor, he says he didn't notice, and I believe him, based on the way he was acting. He was very attentive to me, actually, standing with his arms around me and whispering. When I told him he said he didn't notice it but if I got a bad feeling about her then he trusts my judgement.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your SIL and neighbor would immediately get labeled as "needs more attention than is appropriate" and put in the arms length bucket for sure.

Every once in a while FWH and I come across men or women who put off this vibe, and we immediately alert the other, and then they are on the watch list from then on.

It sounds like you both did the right thing which was NOT to play into her game, and to communicate about it. Sometimes a "you're an idiot" gesture to the offender helps. For example, if he had not responded to her at all, but immediately marched into the kitchen, put the mug in the sink, and gotten a new one, would have sent the message that he doesn't feel like playing with the children today.

No just trying to be funny with K. She'll try something different next time, but you both will be ready.


(((cdn)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"needs more attention than is appropriate"

OMG, this nails it! Yes, SIL needs a ton of attention and tends to gravitate to others like her.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iMO this episode should make you feel good about your H and how you both are handling R.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.