Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Opinions on reducing CS with visitation...
Mommato4
♀ Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to preface this to say that both of us live on roughly the same income with him paying CS...the kids and I, so 5 to his one person. I work but I make under $20,000 a year. He makes roughly 120,000. We split everything else 50/50.

Do you think the custodial parent should reduce or essentially pay a portion of the CS back for food expenses when the noncustodial parent will have them in the summer?

This is his reply when I told him childcare for next year is raising by$20.:
Him:
Already I struggle - I've been overdrawn every pay period for the past few months. And I'm not living lavishly. (He bought a new mercedes for his 10year work anniversary and has a racing bike too)Of course, it doesn't help that stupid State Farm keeps taking out double the monthly billing rate because they are struggling to revise their records (essentially, I'm paying for the old life insurance policy (cancelled) as well as the new one (current) because they can't figure out how to remove the billing. Ridiculous. And stupid IRS garnishing.

And on that subject, can we please have some sort of arrangement with money during the time the kids are here in Illinois, like we did a few years ago? For example, my grocery budget currently is around $30/week. It's going to go up considerably with four extra mouths to feed. I also like to take the kids for their clothes shopping for school. This doesn't leave any room for activities, and I think it would be good for them to do some day-camp type stuff through the local parks district by my office.

I know how you feel about this, but I've got to bring it up. I perfectly understand needing to maintain roof over their heads, etc, even when they're not in Washington, but it seems that there should be some fair number to help out while they are here.

My thought:
It's not written in our divorce about reduced CS. I have the kids at least 43 weeks continuously throughout the school year. He did not take them last summer because he didn't have the funds. I just feel that his budgeting issue shouldn't be my problem. He knew in February that they were coming out. He arranged it. The kids get a portion of his bonus specially for travel expenses so they can visit. (It's around $2000 to fly 4 kids)

I will most likely give him some food money because I don't want them to suffer for his lack of planning. I have no problem paying for activities as long as its not crazy expensive.

This man the last time they were out there for the 8 weeks they usually are spent $4000. More than half was on food. That is not something I can pay without screwing up my budget for the few months after they return.

Am I overreacting here?

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 3:44 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would reply something like

"I am sorry you are struggling. I am struggling too. Therefore I cannot help you at this time."

It is not your fault the IRS is garnishing his wages for unpaid taxes. It is not your fault that he seems unable to clear up an accounting issue with his insurance. It is not your fault that he is unable to unwilling to plan vacation expenses for his children. It is not your fault that he seems to not be able to feed his own children without spending a bundle (I bet they eat out every night). Maybe send him a box of canned goods instead


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17687 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with dreamboat here. It sounds like he is wanting you to take responsibility for his extra financial burden when the kids are with him. Maybe he should allot all of his bonus to the kids spending summer with him not just the portion that is for travel.

Does he give you extra money when the kids are with you for food and you are struggling?

Send him some coupons for restaurants as well as a box of canned goods.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5270 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my state (FL) the CS has nothing to do with how much time he gets for visitation. When my X had the kids every other weekend he paid the same as when he had the kids every other week. He went from less than 20% to 50% and still had to pay the same amount.

Good luck, But I wouldn't send him a dime.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5270 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Mommato4
♀ Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he doesn't give me extra for food.

Illinois doesn't factor in time either. The noncustodial parent pays a percentage based on the number of children on their net income. We have 4 kids, so it's 40%. My SS ends in 2 months as well so in August he'll have an extra $570 an month. Sadly this won't change because he will just spend more on stuff and live beyond his means. That's what he does.

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 6:49 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
Mommato4
♀ Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for his bonus, the kids get 40% of the net pay and he puts it in a joint account we still have specifically for kid finance issues. It works well. He uses that too for his funds when they are there. It's not my money so I don't say anything because he is using it on the kids.

I guess I should know better because no matter how much was made while married, we were always living paycheck to paycheck. By myself, I have thousands in savings.

I could dip into my savings but why should I?


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry dude, doesn't work that way.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my state (FL) the CS has nothing to do with how much time he gets for visitation. When my X had the kids every other weekend he paid the same as when he had the kids every other week. He went from less than 20% to 50% and still had to pay the same amount.

I'm in Florida too, and that's not how it has been for us.. When he was having 5 overnights a month, he was owing me almost a grand a month. He currently has 3 overnights a week, and it's down to 350..

Either way, I wouldn't be sending any extra money to him.. And I think he is being manipulating the way he is asking. Do they ever stop blaming us for their problems?


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me get this straight. He makes around $120,000 a year. You make less than $20,00 a year. So, he makes $100,000 more a year than you do. Is that about right?

And he's asking you for money? He's claiming poverty?

Uhhhhh.......


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sadness1
♀ Member
Member # 32160
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it is not in your papers that you need to adjust the amounts, that I agree that you should say that you can not spare any money at this time.

On a side note...Florida's CS is based on incomes and the numbers of "overnight" visits. It can absolutely affect the amounts with the more time they spend with each parent.


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2011
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. Are you kidding me? I agree with Dreamboat's response. It's factual. No drama.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an FYI - in our state my SO gets a reduction in child support for the months he has the kids more than 15 consecutive days. Its part of the CS laws here. He may be entitled to the reduction.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is that not already covered in your CS calculations for year? I am not sure how the CS works in the U.S but here the amount is worked out annually based on how many overnights the non-custodial parent has the kids.

My x tried this too, tried telling me if he was going to have the kids during the school holidays I would have to pay him. It doesn't work that way I am afraid.

He should know if he going to have the kids that he needs to work out a budget and save some extra dollars through the year to cover the extra time he has with the kids during their break time. This is not your problem. Don't let him guilt you into it.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Mommato4
♀ Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked it up and found this:


Reduction of Child Support for Long Distance Visitation

Courts sometimes consider (but are not required to consider) the parenting schedule; that is, how much time the children spend with each parent, in establishing the child support obligation. In some cases, a non-custodial parent with a robust parenting schedule (but not necessarily 50/50) may receive a reduction in the amount of child support he or she is required to pay.1 A reduction is not always guaranteed, however, and sometimes are denied even when the visitation schedule is more robust than usual.2

In cases where the non-custodial parent lives far away or in another state, some cases say that the court should reduce the child support obligation to help offset the costs of travel.3 Other cases say that the child support obligation maybe reduced – or eliminated – for the period of time that the child lives with the non-custodial parent4 but this is not always the case.5

It's not court ordered or stated in any of my paperwork.

I've calculated my consecutive days with the kids:306 to his:58

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 2:37 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So your state may allow it IF he goes back to court. Unless and until he does that, do not give him any reduction in CS. Because based on your specific court order, he was not awarded that. Period.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17687 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for his bonus, the kids get 40% of the net pay and he puts it in a joint account we still have specifically for kid finance issues. It works well. He uses that too for his funds when they are there. It's not my money so I don't say anything because he is using it on the kids.
Am I reading this right, as in he still has access to this money? Oh hell to the no.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not give him money. He is using you and lying to you.

Let the kids see with their own eyes what dad is really like.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2708 | Registered: Jan 2010
Mommato4
♀ Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for his bonus, the kids get 40% of the net pay and he puts it in a joint account we still have specifically for kid finance issues. It works well. He uses that too for his funds when they are there. It's not my money so I don't say anything because he is using it on the kids.
Am I reading this right, as in he still has access to this money? Oh hell to the no.

Yes he does but there's never anything leftover because he uses it every year for travel expenses when he visits the kids or they visit him.

I asked for his bonus to be put in the divorce paperwork for guaranteed travel money for the kids because I knew that if i didn't, he would always spend it on himself before he'd use it on the kids. He's responsible for travel expenses because of our income disparities.

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 11:07 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't give him any of my savings money, but I would consider reducing CS (for the time he has the kids) if I can afford my bills with the lower amount. If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4205 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something like this is happening here too, except that I am unemployed. Job searching, but out of money.

There are some kid issues coming up where he is trying to get me to be responsible for half the medical bills for each child. What do I pay with? I would gladly share the expense if I worked, but now I am having to skimp food and cut counseling to buy gas.

Just saying that I have empathy, Momma.

Yes, our state also has a base rate for CS for one child and then they add to it for the others. And a calculation is made based on what the non-physical custodial spouse makes, as well.

I did hear that Perv has been looking for lower salaries and can't decide if it's in hope of getting anything for work or in hope of paying less to us?

Momma, your salaries were similar to ours in the gaps and here too, Perv is covering a lot of bills, but also should have been able to save at various points throughout a year.

You will have many, many mouths to feed for a while and I hope it will go okay. What's been hard is that we used to do a lot of baking or scratch cooking and what I'm finding is that it costs as much for raw ingredients as for the pre-finished food.

FWIW, you mentioned the parks and camps nearby. There is a local one that DD goes to with some school kids and they are nice people because if I put in part time volunteer work, they will comp her campership-and food-and she can go all summer.

I know you already said you are employed so may not be an option, but just an idea.

I hope it will go okay for you and all of them in the adjustment. We always get a little wigged out the first two weeks of summer and then get a routine going.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.