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Newest Member: womanoflight (43210)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, guys, it takes exactly two months to get over this. According to my wife anyway. Well not literally, but I think she has realized that she does not have the stomach for what reconciliation really takes. She was prepared for her version, which was to forget it ever happened and start treating each other like we should have treated each other all along.

I do believe she wanted to remain married, but under the implicit terms of we have both made mistakes and through mutual pardons we can start with a clean slate.

As for me, all I can say is that if there had not been an affair (and the issues that arose because of the A) I would be happy with the way she is currently treating me.

However, I am ambivalent about whether I could actually do this - even if she was doing the right things.

I don't know that I have really accepted that this is my reality. That no matter how angry I get, no matter how much work we do, the fact of the A is not going away. In BM10 someone mentioned something to the effect of never being able to obtain a better past - and that's the reality.

The waiting period for our divorce will be over in a few days. She is avoiding me as it is apparent that she is concerned that any conversation will simply be a sit down to work out the details.

The looming finality is tough.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

re: the cards

I used to fret over the cards trying to find the most bland and generic card I could. Now, not so much. All that searching through took too much time. I just grab the first one I come to and give her that. I do not really care what it says, and if she thought about it she would see the irony of most of the statements.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found a great Valentine's day card, picture on the front of a cupid crapping on the grass.

To her credit, FWW did see the (dark) humor in it.

There should be more cards like this. If you can believe the stats, it would be half the market.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There should be more cards like this. If you can believe the stats, it would be half the market.

Yep. I saw something on here that indicated that the WW rate is about 13%, but that comes from women who fess up. I've seen stats that indicate the REAL rate is about 60% of husbands and about 40% of wives cheat, with the latter statistic steadily rising in recent years. So, basically you have a 50% chance of being in a marriage that suffers from infidelity. Which incidentally is also the divorce rate in this country.

That's a huge market that's being overlooked.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tred,
I'm sorry man, that whole situation sucks. I've been there many times...had the knowledge, wait for confession, confront, forced confession. Its lame to say the least, and slowly erodes whatever connection is left.

Its like they figure that the statute of limitations has passed so its safe to spill the beans(if necessary) and get back to business as usual.


[This message edited by stilllovingher at 10:56 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred: Lame.

I hate that shit.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I finally moved out of the marital home last weekend. I wasn't happy about it at the time but it feels like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my chest.

Tred, mine was a lot like yours. At some point, when it becomes painfully obvious that they simply are who they are and are not interested in fixing themselves, I think you have to make a choice. I wasn't given one and I know you are, which would make it much more difficult, but I have to believe that you would be better off in the long run without that bullshit in your life.

[This message edited by h0peless at 12:58 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Tred- I am sorry man

As far the I kicked him out post. Yeah that pisses me off too. I venture to guess there is a lot more to the story that we have not heard.

He needs help, not tough love. My W needed help even though she betrayed me. God that was a hard time in my life. I do feel there is a double standard at play. If I left I was an abandoner. instead I was the chump who stayed. A cuckold.

If I was like that after I cheated on her, she left, she would have been "empowered." You know a vixen, barracuda, whatever.

Really gets me worked up some days.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dunno why, but I still feel like a chump for staying.

I guess that doesn't go away.

I was dumb enough to be a SAHD for about 4 yrs, was pretty much career suicide. Poor guy. I remmeber being in his shoes, wasn't fun-no income, no job history, etc.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
cletuswv
♂ Member
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Political

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:47 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two years plus into our effort at reconciliation and things are great. We laugh, I feel safe, sex is great and I am on top of my little world.

Yet, every now and then, this little voice in the back of my head screams "Chump..."

Not often, but it is still there.

I guess it does not help to know, with as much certainty as anyone could, that she would not have tried if it had been the other way around...

She says it is because I am stronger.

Yeah, not so much...


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had confidence that some of the very astute waywards would take note of the double standard - noticed UO pointed it out right away. I have the utmost admiration for the Wayward section - rarely do they let anyone come in with a pity story without finding out what they poster did to contribute to the situation and own their shit.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did like the way UO pointed out the double standard.

Those wayward veterans are a scary bunch. I think JNRPA still has nightmares about some of the stuff they pointed out to her.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those wayward veterans are a scary bunch.

Truth. It's like reading an episode of Scared Straight for BS's (for the younger crowd, Scared Straight was a pseudo-documentary where they would take young men into prison to show them what it was really like if they ended up there).


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, I was waiting for U O to post. I have to be honest though, how was expecting a whole lot more lumber to fly. as has been stated before, what a double standard.

tred, bummer dude. actions, not words. posting it was a very positive sign though. I just hope it wasn't to get ego Kibbles now that she knew she was busted.

strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: the waywards...I totally agree. The waywards here on SI are able to sniff out/seek-and-destroy bullshit so quick that it's amazing. Every so often you see someone wander in Wayward Side saying something along the lines of "Oh, my marriage was really miserable, I was so unhappy, my AP was really just my best friend and it went too far...", and then UO, Unangie, Aubrie and a few others just clobber them with 2x4s. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to reading the clobbering and kind of cheering behind my screen as a guilty pleasure....until I remember that these are all real people and those WS have real, hurting BS out there.

I get the impression that some WS lurk on here for a while, read the posts, then post their story like "See, I've read on here, I know the narrative, but *I'm* the exception!" I feel as though some of them (new WS) feel like there's going to be some sort of "Oh, I remember how that felt as well, I loved my AP so much too, my husband/wife was SUCH a meanie to me too!" Those WS end up a little jarred, I think. I've seen threads where the OP was like "I thought this was the place for me....I guess not."....as if the fWS on here were going to wrap them in a giant hug and tell them covertly that the things they did weren't *that* bad.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple rule: don't accept advice from your WW on the best way for you, as a BH, to heal.

She has an agenda to minimize her own suffering, "fix" the marriage so she's less likely to cheat again (i.e., mold you into a "better" husband), and frankly, it's advice coming from someone who just a few weeks/months ago considered the pinnacle of coping behaviors to be stuffing dicks into her mouth/vagina.

You don't take advice from the delusional. You nod along, take two steps to the left, and wander off to talk to sane people.

Whenever your WW's notion of fixing and healing starts with "I want" and ends with you doing a ton of work or making changes to yourself that she prescribes, just understand that she's full of shit and trying to manipulate you.

Most often, your WW isn't going to be so stupid as to make this plan blatant (she's probably not even cognizant of the fact that she's doing it -- she's just trying to assuage her own hurt/shame complex), but trust your gut. When it pings your radar as an unreasonable demand, chances are it's because she is unreasonable, not merely because you're a dick.

Trust your gut. Captain your own ship. Be the hero of your own life story.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 7:16 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, last dude out of this thread be sure to lock the door and turn out the lights.

Electricity isn't free, you know.

I've already set the thermostat to 55 degrees.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just as a reminder/public service announcement: DS prefers that we don't take threads out of one forum and discuss them in another -- especially in protected forums like the Menz Thread or Wayward. It's disrespectful to posters to have their words hauled into a place where they can't comment or defend themselves.

Just an FYI about being a good SI citizen, adhering to site policies, and trying to avoid forcing wh5 to get his stompy boots on and start throwing flags. He hates his stompy boots, even though they're badass.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good night John Boy


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
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