Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"the suck" - it's like the Menz thread is a Nereid guiding us past Charybdis.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure what it says about me, but I never went through a phase where I felt guilty about my wife's affair.

I have felt pissed off at myself for not laying out the ultimatum, "work on this marriage or else." I did, however, warn her that we were way too negligent with respect to the M.

I really thought if anyone had an A it would be me. On some level I think I had given myself permission to, but when the opportunities arose (without any effort) I never came close.

Part of the reason I was never seriously interested was out of loyalty to my kids. Another big reason is I always questioned what sort of woman would knowingly get involved with a married man. Little did I know I was living under the same roof with just that sort of woman.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"the suck" - it's like the Menz thread is a Nereid guiding us past Charybdis.

Quotes like this are Reason #566701 why the Menz Thread is one of my Top 5 internet destinations.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"the suck" - it's like the Menz thread is a Nereid guiding us past Charybdis.

Once a lovely maiden, Charybdis was was loyal

Kind of a dead on bullseye comparison.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said a couple of times that my having to forgive her for her As made it easier for her to forgive me for being a crappy husband.

its fairly easy to "forgive" after already exacting your pound-O-flesh. But then, that's not really FORgiving, is it.
Its More like she's finally reporting to Equifax that you've paid your bill.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling kind of down.
Here's this poor guy, unwound, down in jfo - his W wants the house, the kids, the whole enchilada, & he simply asks;
"Did I miss something?"

I guess it reminds me of being served on Christmas by my wife of 15 years.
Maybe because it's the 5 millionth time this story has played out.

Maybe it's because I still do not have the answer.
Did I miss something?
For some reason, it makes me want to hate my stupid heart. For leading me on.
There's good GOOD womenz out there.
Stupid heart.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I miss something?

Nope. WE missed something brother. We were too caught up in providing, caring, and loving to realize that those we were doing those actions for had the capacity to hurt us. I wish so much that it wasn't so...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WE missed something

^^^^^

Sure this has been done time and time again here on SI but it sums up my feeling for the day.
My version...
DR: Doth not My Love bootless kneel?
WW: I kneel but not before you.
Speak, hands, mouth, pussy, for me!
DR: Et tu, Brute? Then fall, DefiledRage.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:54 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fall DR!
Before my desired rage!
Fall yes the time it takes you,
I'll have set a new stage.

Not these wonderful SIwimmenz but ours.

I shoulda ended that poem with sukah!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I shoulda ended that poem with sukah!

hard not to feel like a sukah!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The time lost.
The back beating at hard cement lost
the limbs clipped
roaring betrayal I was forced to sip

No wonder
I echo and cry
in silence

mates
no wonder.

help a guy out,
help his being
(when the rug's pulled)

Help him in to new light,
his new being.

These salty things I'm familiar with tasting - they're called tears, right?


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
WhiskeyRiver
♂ New Member
Member # 39811
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dudes, here's some shit from a guy who's barely into this...most of you are months or years into "the suck," so you'll have to excuse me for lacking the big picture perspective on this shit.

Unlike many of you, I had already felt myself drifting from my marriage before this crap started. My wife was an insane alcoholic for a good long while...years. I had fantasies of being with other women, because my wife caused so much pain in my life. Every time I heard her open a bottle of wine, I felt the hairs on my neck stand up. Thus, because of her disease, I truly was pretty shitty to her. No amount of internet affirmation will absolve me of the fact that I gave up a while ago.

I've stood next to my wife while she called me a "fucking asshole," multiple times, in front of my entire immediate family. I've had to literally pick her up and carry her inside because she fell down after getting out of cars that I was driving, or just walking, and was unable to get off the ground. I felt anxious knowing that I was going out with her with people that we knew, because I absolutely knew that it would be a total shit show. I dreaded her presence when she was drunk. She would say horrendous things to me all the time.

So why the fuck am I so upset about this? Why do I want to hold on to this piece of shit marriage?

It's because I still love her for some reason. I truly do. I remember the person that I initially met (already an alcoholic, so was I), and I wax nostalgic in my mind about things that happened 10-15 years ago. She was fun, easy-going, we shared a sense of humor, albeit a rather dark one. She seemed perfect for me...we were together but could live our own lives separately in a sense. But, as you get older, most of your friends abandon that lifestyle. So, it becomes the two of us trying to keep the "good old times" alive by drinking together. After I gave that up, and kind of receded into reading and music, she couldn't deal with me. I "never did anything with her," which was true, but we'd lost a connection. We all but stopped having sex. I hated her drinking so much that I stopped sleeping in the bedroom most nights. We were on a path to divorce, basically.

But, all that said, nothing could have prepared me for what she did. It was an absolute Hiroshima bomb to my psyche. Our communication had completely broken down prior to the A, but not to the point where she couldn't have told me that she wanted to part ways with me. We could have remained friends(?), things could have been totally amicable. Now, I just don't know what to do other than tell her to stay the fuck away from me until NC...which I'm doubting will happen at this point. Fuck...thanks for dealing with this wall of text bullshit.

Above all, I do still love her and can see a life beyond this shit, but it's pretty hazy and in grainy black and white.

Cheers.

EDIT: She just entered her third detox in the past 9 months last night. You guys probably think I'm insane...no kids, bad marriage, alcoholic cheater, GTFO. Yeah, I hear you, but the love is still there. Why?

[This message edited by WhiskeyRiver at 10:13 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New England
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WR, I am new and have no words of wisdom for you -- but want to say welcome and wish you weren't here.

Like you, my M had deteriorated before the A. However, the pain is deep and real.

One of the things that guys like us need to consider is what exactly will we be getting if we reconcile? Is the best case scenario getting what was barely worth holding on to before?

In my case, my wife is, for the most part, acting like the wife I wanted pre - affair. However, I don't think that is enough, and I question how long that will last without her putting in the work.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
WhiskeyRiver
♂ New Member
Member # 39811
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you, my M had deteriorated before the A. However, the pain is deep and real.

One of the things that guys like us need to consider is what exactly will we be getting if we reconcile? Is the best case scenario getting what was barely worth holding on to before?

Later, Amen. The pain is real, and I have no idea what I'd be getting. I'm just on a crazy ride of my own mind's invention.

I'm not even in the position to make such decisions...she's still in contact with the OM. She likely used her "phone time" from rehab to call him...cause she sure didn't call me. Bah, the more I write about this crap the more it makes sense to me in terms of what I need to do.

[This message edited by WhiskeyRiver at 10:24 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New England
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WR, don't kick yourself for creating this torture. Our reactions are hardwired, primal. You will see the physical, emotional and mental responses of the men here to learning of the A are so very similar that you will appreciate that, to some extent, they are uncontrollable. It's like your response to hunger is to eat.

Anyway, your instincts are what they are. Learning to set these crazy emotions aside to do what is rational is something we all struggle with.

Glad you found this thread.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WR

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Read and implement. Use the space to decide what you want, no need, for you to become who you want to be!

Is she in that picture? How realistic is that?

No answers now, work through it first.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys probably think I'm insane...no kids, bad marriage, alcoholic cheater, GTFO. Yeah, I hear you, but the love is still there. Why?
WR)))

No 2x4’s here. I was in pretty much the same situation. no kids – check, bad marriage - check, alcoholic cheater – check. In my case, the alcoholism wasn’t full swing until she started her A. Then the alcohol became a way for her to deal with her guilt and shame when she wasn’t getting a hit off POSER. She worked with him, so it was a high all day at work with POSER then she came home to ‘real life’ guilt and shame with me and started opening up the bottles.

Once I broke up the A, the alcohol was all that was left because she still couldn’t step up and deal with the real life fallout of her choices. I tried for years to change her, to get her to see the destruction she was causing, but unless she wanted to change there was nothing I could do. I did keep working on myself, and eventually stopped enabling her (it took a while). Then once she realized she couldn’t suck me back in and manipulate me anymore, she filed for D.

Is the best case scenario getting what was barely worth holding on to before?
This played a big part in my situation as well. I refused to go right back to the crappy M we had pre-A, and she refused to do any work to get to a better place. No matter how much I loved her (and I would actually say I still do), her addictions (alcohol and external validation) meant more to her than I ever did. So while I’m sad to be D’ed, by the time it came to it I realized that I deserved a whole lot better and she wasn’t willing to put in the effort to get there.

As a side note, I will say that my desire to hang on had as much to do with my issues (fear of failure, fear of being alone, desire to ‘save’ her) as it did my love for her.

The 180 and IC are your friends.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whiskey,

There is an old saying: "When the pain of not changing becomes more than then the pain of changing, you will change". Your pain threshold might not be breached yet, maybe it never will. What each person can tolerate is unique to them.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Whiskey – Like everyone else I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. The pain at times can be unbearable. The internal struggles between your heart and your brain are such a natural instinct right now. It’s the fight or flight instinct built into all of us. You, like us going before you, are on the precipice of that decision. For me it took over a year of constant trickle truth and deception before going over the ledge and choosing flight. You will know when you’ve had enough. Like the other guys say in here it is best to detach right now and 180. You will find peace in the decision to 180. It’s like doing something drastic for yourself that really isn’t a drastic move at all. She will either come around or she won’t. I wish you the best brother…


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhiskeyRiver - I had the opposite kind of WW but ended up with the same shit storm. WW and I met in an AA meeting. We attended the same church where we were baptized together and married.

After D-Day #1 she placed her hand on a Bible and swore she had told me the whole truth, that there had been no one else but Loser #1. Two years later it turned out she had been lying and there had been a Loser #2.

So here I found myself with a lying, cheating, blame-shifting wife who had no excuses for her horrible behavior - no alcohol or drugs or any other addiction to explain why she would do what she did. She did all the lying and cheating stone-cold sober with a husband and a baby at home. Now that's one scary individual.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.