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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ProTip for getting through the mind movies during sex: just picture Nicole Kidman.

Unless you're really angry, then picture your wife's hottest fried/sister/cousin/niece (your choice).

You can fuck anybody you want inside your own head.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
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Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<Maybe not a slut, just an idiot>
Where I am.

BTW, I asked in another thread, but you might not see it: Lonesome Road DLC for FO:NV is worth the squeeze?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself with a week or so with lots of free time during the day while my son in on the east coast at my sister's wedding. Wow....daytime TV is the fucking worst. The show that's on right now has a segment called "Baby vs. Puppy" wherein they detail "who wore it better." Suh-weet Jeezus.

Besides, everyone knows that the only good "Baby vs. Puppy" matchups happen exclusively inside the Thunderdome.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 12:09 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonesome Road is maybe the best DLC I have every played in any game ever. When I was done with it, it felt like I'd just read one of those life-changingly great novels.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh damn. I might have to buy it then. I'm on like my 5th Skyrim playthrough, might be nice to switch things up. I may have deleted my NV save file, so I'd have to start all over....sounds great.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently I missed a ton of DLC...think I'll just head over to GameStop and pick up the Ultimate Edition for $20.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you play on PC and aren't using it already, you should check out newvegas.nexusmods.com if you're into modding at all.

(If you're not into modding, you might skip it. It takes me about three days to get all the NV mods I use set up and the load order debugged so the game doesn't crash every half hour -- but I generally run around 100 mods on most Bethesda games. I've never played vanilla NV, FO3 or Oblivion...and only about 3 days worth of vanilla Skyrim before I started modding the hell out of it.)


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
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Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm playing on the 360, homie. No mods for this guy. I don't know that I've ever had a computer good enough to run really good games. My little bro used to mod the hell out of some games though.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit WAL...

I just read that post and understood absolutely nothing...

That's a geologist for ya...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TDY...

The only way I made it through sex after dday and the ensuing mind movies was I just turned every occasion into my own little porn movie...

In other words... I simply used her as my fantacy sex doll...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read that post and understood absolutely nothing...

That's okay, wb. I feel the same way when the other guys talk about golf.

I try to avoid anything (except cigarettes) that forces me to go outside.

I beat the shit out of Tiger Woods '04, though.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He ain't no Tiger.

He's a Lion Cheetah.


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
LosferWords
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Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reserved just for me -> disgusting pig -> Why would I even want that fat/saggy/blotchy/really-hasn't-aged-well (whatever applies) cow? -> community doorknob, but I still have feelings for her -> Maybe not a slut, just an idiot -> Seems to have learned something -> She's okay -> I still sort of dig her -> Okay, I still dig her -> Let's stay married. -> I'm pretty happy half the time -> Been so long since I triggered, I don't remember when it was or what it was about -> Marrying you really was the best choice I ever made. -> I'm glad I stayed

I found this to be more or less accurate for me as well. I'm getting close to three years out, and I would say I am probably at the "I'm pretty happy half the time" stage. Everyone heals on their own timeline.

I think WAL also nailed it with "grinding" through the mind movies. I did pretty much the same thing, except when I was going through it the word I had in my head was "suffering" through the mind movies. Luckily most of my mind movies didn't occur actually during the act of sex. I was somehow able to compartmentalize that away in my head. Sometimes compartmentalization can be a good thing!

Hang in there. It does get easier to deal with over the course of time.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
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Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

please tell me they will eventually go away

Don't know if they ever completely go away. They will eventually lose their sharpness though. As a side I hate watching her get dressed and undressed knowing that Poser was leering at her the whole time she was doing that in front of him.
WAL has it right though. Don't hide, let that shit run it course. Do what you've been told since you were a kid and got afraid of the dark. Face your fears, by facing it you will gain some power over it.

Speaking of facing your fears. I keep having sex with her for a number of reasons, one of the biggest: facing my fears. Not sure about the relationship between the 180 and sex (Have yet to do a very good job of the 180 for myself.) I won't lie, sex is not the same now. It's purely a physical release, an empty shell of what it was in the past. But at some point if our R works I can't keep being afraid to have sex with her because of all the negative emotions that arise from it. I'm going to keep having sex over, and over, and over, and over, and over until I fully enjoy it again.
At least that's the justification I'm telling myself.

And seeing as I finally caught up on my Walking Dead episodes, here's a little something for us here in NO MA'AM

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 1:37 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
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Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Cancelled my appt with my attorney last week. She begged me not to go. She picked up her game. And I don't think I can afford it right now anyway. Not the lawyer but the whole single dad thing. Which I would be awesome at and part of me wants to tackle that challenge. A live in nanny would be approx 1500 per month.
Irregardless I have nothing but time. WW has been making some strides. I like that.
Anyway in reading the last few posts I would like to add this:
Fresh haircut yesterday
I went to the gym today and blasted chest. Awesome pump.
I was putting on my military uniform today. I'm at the base all week.
It was sharp. I was pumped.
I looked phenominal. Yes I'm being arrogant and cocky but I did. WW saw me and her eyes were wide.
I had swagger. I looked strong. I've been training hard.
Anyway this hit me and we all know this:
It isn't us. It never was. WAL and everyone else has repeated this over And over and over
IT'S THEM
They are broken, they are insecure since way before we met them, they have no self esteem, they aren't worthy and they always felt that way.
I thought about it. As good as Iook, as strong as I am, as loyal as I've been they chose another broken person that matched how they felt.
POSER could never compare to me. Not even close. He was a slob who never amounted to anything in his life. A nasty low life mother fucker who I dominated and scared the shit out of. He pissed his pants.
Many of you would get some kind of chicken shit reaction also. To avoidance up to denial.
It's her and him. Not you.
I believe sex was sloppy, bad, sub par. The worst. BJ's were skanky, dirty, used.
No way they couldn't get past that slutty feeling. Shame, embarrassment. The constant denial and justifications.
If sex was awesome, if they were in love then why aren't they together now and if they are will it really last? Nope. Stats back that up.
Mine came home. Mine won't leave. POSER is in the wind. All of them.
Why? Why didn't they stay together. I admit I put the fear of god in hers but still.... If I truly loved an unhappy woman I would risk death for her. I would fight for her. POSER was a coward.
They are all cowards. Every one of them.
They prey on easy fruit. And yes my WW was easy.
And once it was over it was over. And she knows our marriage hangs precariously on the precipice of her words and her actions.
She doesn't want to lose me. She said she fell back in love with me when she did lose me. I detached and was 180 countless times.
Still am
But looking in the mirror today, feeling good, and like I said and apologize for being arrogant, I realized it wasn't me at all. Notwithstanding the pre A issues with the normal marriage issues most people have, I don't deny that, I didn't force her to have an A. If that was the case the. Every couple could A.
Now in that state of mind I could go further and add that none of our WW's deserve us at all. We can move on and give them the courtesy of an explanation and advise them to get themselves fixed before they screw up their next relationship or endure this process repeatedly.
But no. We're extending to them the chance to reconcile. We are willing to suck it up and drive on for the sake of our families. We're willing to overlook their indiscretions and extremely poor lack of judgement skills. Lack of problem solving.
Sometimes a moment of clarity is all we need to continue on the high road. To keep our heads above the fray and our wits about us. The battle of our hearts and minds gets foggy. We get too deep, too intense, too angry. Our WW's know we're engaging in both an internal and external battle. With ourselves and each other.
First thing we have to recognize once again is that it's not us. Don't blame yourself. It's them 100%.
No matter what they say or do. Once you let them start to convince you of that it is over.
Never cry
Never whine
Nothing
Be stoic. A rock.
Fuck mind movies. They are going to happen. I got mine to talk about some of her sexual events. They bothered me but it was disgusting. Not as much the acts ,which in and of itself is bad, but moreso the conditions. Dirty house, dirty vehicles, the hiding.
I'm great in bed and everywhere else. I'm clean. My conscious is clear. I can make a woman scream. ( more bragging). I don't have to engage in such insidious behavior.
As WAL said, for the rest of their lives they will have triggers. Negative triggers. Ours are of their betrayal. Theirs are dual triggers. How they hurt us and how they compromised their integrity, loyalty, and honesty. Maybe they will work harder to make it up to us. Maybe they will carry that guilt for a long time.
I look at my WW. Her stress, her weight gain, her face is breaking out. The personal trainer has sacrificed a lot of her conditioning during this ordeal. Her name and character.
I look at her now and know she doesn't deserve me. She doesn't meet my standards. She is a no go.
But now she is trying really hard. And I'm not saying this as a deceived BS. I see right through her. I question everything. She can't get anything past me. Because she knows this is it. If she wants to by all means go ahead. Do it. There will be one answer. If she wants to then just go. I offer no resistance. No pleas. Nadda.
Stay strong brothers. I am. Day by day.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 4:21 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
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Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe not a slut, just an idiot

Yes, or as her brother put it after she confessed her misdeeds to him: "stupid bitch."

I've called her a slut a few times, but maybe it takes more than one affair over a 17 year period to qualify as one of those. Whatever. We're choosing to reconcile, so name-calling is a thing of the past now.

B444, sounds like you are set on high cruise, brother. Good to see you back on here after a short hiatus.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
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Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444 posted:

They are broken, they are insecure since way before we met them, they have no self esteem, they aren't worthy and they always felt that way.

And for my FWW, this is exactly why she picked POSER OM, all of them. Sure, one had some cash to throw around, but they were all men she did not feel threatened by. She felt that they should consider themselves lucky to have her pay attention to them, to fuck or blow them. I know each of these OM, so I know that she was not just blowing me smoke, they are not physically or emotionally attractive men.

FWW was broken, felt unworthy compared to me (and many other people) and found OM she could feel powerful and in control with.

YMMV, but that was our sich.

I cannot imagine going into dday feeling broken and unworthy, than coming out of dday where I had essentially proven I was broken and unworthy and then having to over come that to be a full M partner.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're choosing to reconcile, so name-calling is a thing of the past now.

Bonus ProTip for all of us: I called my wife names very few times to her face, and most of those in the immediate aftermath of D-Day#1 and D-Day#2.

It took me a very much longer time (measured in months or years) to stop using them inside my own head or when talking about our situation to buddies.

That was a much harder habit to break, and I can't say I was all-in to reconciliation until i chose to break it.

You can't reconcile with a dumb slut, a stupid bitch, a lousy c***, or whatever you might call your wife inside the soundproofed safety of your own truck on your drive to work in the morning. You can't reconcile with her because she's beneath you. She's unworthy of you. She's not your equal.

The best you can do with an inferior is stay with her, keep her groomed and fed, make sure her food and water are changed at least once daily, and take her to the park for a walk and a piss on occasion. You might even have fond feelings for her, but until you can break that habit, she's going to be nothing more to you than your bitch. None of us really want that. We want someone we can adore.

Sal is right. If we want to reconcile, we all have to break the habit of the caustic internal monologue eventually.

As always: the internal raging/name-calling/ detachment-through-semiotics game has its place, but it should not be a long-term strategy if you decide to reconcile. This is a phase, not a destination. With most phases, you'll know you're done with it when your conscience tells you it's time to do something else. I believe that because I believe in the fundamental decency of human beings, and I believe in the fundamental decency of you guys especially that you'll be aware of and willing to make the next step on the journey when the time comes for it.

If you decide to divorce, then you can call her whatever you want and other guys with ex-wives will always laugh.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 3:45 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen WAL

I've called her a slut a few times, but maybe it takes more than one affair over a 17 year period to qualify as one of those. Whatever. We're choosing to reconcile, so name-calling is a thing of the past now.

B444, sounds like you are set on high cruise, brother. Good to see you back on here after a short hiatus.

I've definitely been there
Bitch, slut, fuckin prostitute, stupid bitch.
Yeah I was angry, dejected, beside myself. Whatever I called her was no worse than what she did to me.
Never violent. Absolutely not. Kept my bearing and actually never thought of it.
She was. She broke shit. Put her hands on me.
I Instigated. Got in her head. Pushed buttons. I wanted answers. I wanted to know what the fuck she was thinking. Putting my kids and me aside like that. A good home, a good life, the envy of our friends. And we were. People would actually say my wife and kids inspired them.
What the fuck.
I am past the name calling. If she gives me an attitude ill still trigger but it is no use trying to get them to come around and see your way. I found I am just lowering myself to their anguished level. I read something here that said if they are playing games just refuse to play it with them. Remove yourself. They really hate that more.
I found that if my WW sends a toxic text, if I see it as her demented game, I won't answer. Ill get several more texts. Ill ignore them. They want you to get angry and spew hate.
Why
It justifies to them what an asshole you are
And in a perverted sense I think they feel they deserve it
And you are talking to them.
Nope. Stay above the fray.
It is not weakness. Your just in a defensive and overt posture. And they know it.

Thanks Sal
Just spent some time re evaluating my situation. Kind of on cruise control at the moment. Just chilling

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 4:44 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
reallyscrewedup7
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Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, late to the party. Just wanted to add two things.

1. To WAL's excellent timeline to recovery - implied is that you will jump back steps quite often. You might go from "She's okay" to "Stupid slut..." in a microsecond. It is just part of the crappy roller coaster ride of infidelity that seems to have an endless line of new riders...

2. This is for those new to this shitty experience - While you cannot assign logic to the actions of your WW, just think about this. If she hasn't divorced you to run to the loving arms of superman (aka her OM), then why the fvck not? OM is awesome, the sex is hot, his dick is 12 inches long and Percy Shelley is crying in his grave wishing he was as gifted a poet.

So, why isn't she with him? At some level, most of our WW's know that OM is a stinky turd. They WANT him to be superman to justify their actions (because of course, they want to think trading up excuses betrayal) But most have some ability to fundamentally understand that OM is a fvcked up hot mess too.

Just keep that knowledge in the forefront of your mind. It will make it easier to detach. You won't feel the need to compete and you will feel less rejected. It is her shitty decision and she is did indeed pick a piece of crap to cheat with.

Step back, and start thinking why on earth you still want to be with a person who has so little self value that they could do this?

Things get better after you take that different perspective...


Infidelity sucks shit

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