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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know whether this is the review that MC Jack was referring to, but I do recommend that you read the review (even if you are not considering reading the book):

http://dontmarry.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/rotating.pdf

I don't know about the underlying theory of a primitive 4 year itch, but there are a lot of things discussed that sounds familiar.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Langley's 'findings' don't match my W's behavior at all. As far as I can see, she took her own over-entitled experience and arranged all her data to convince herself it was OK to cheat.

One thing about anonymous interviews is that the answers can't be verified. In addition, I wonder if her interviews were unintentionally (or intentionally) biased - after all, the wording of a question can affect the answers people give.

But, hell, the book can be helpful even if its conclusions aren't valid.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8933 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, hell, the book can be helpful even if its conclusions aren't valid.

Hell, this is my guiding principle for 90% of what I post.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing about anonymous interviews is that the answers can't be verified. In addition, I wonder if her interviews were unintentionally (or intentionally) biased - after all, the wording of a question can affect the answers people give.

But, hell, the book can be helpful even if its conclusions aren't valid.


I don't believe there were interviews that generated the data, I believe that this is just shit she made up after talking about cheating with her friends over coffee/wine/Long Island Iced Teas. There is some value in reading this if your WW is the same type of delusional, since you are getting a first hand account of the delusions.

One word of caution to anyone thinking of reading this. Until you are over this, it will make blow jobs a trigger for you.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE Langley's Book Review

I don't know if she really did "thousands of interviews" but I'm totally ready to believe she interview my FWW thousands of times.

It's like "deja vu all over again", and again, and again.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 11:52 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is some value in reading this if your WW is the same type of delusional, since you are getting a first hand account of the delusions.

See, this was me.


One word of caution to anyone thinking of reading this. Until you are over this, it will make blow jobs a trigger for you.

This was not.

Whether the interviews were real or bullshit, big chunks of the rationalization factory Langley described were predictive in my circumstances (and ultimately the sorts of things my wife started saying in the early weeks/months after D-day).

If it doesn't apply to your situation (and if you can't pick the kernels of corn out of the piles of shit), it can be actively destructive -- especially if you take Langley's views to heart. I can't say I'd ever recommend that any BH should have his WW read these books -- unless it's like years later and she asks "What was I really like during and after my affair? I wasn't *that* bad, was I?"...and then you can just have her read Langley so you don't have to go into the whole thing and can go back to playing Grand Theft Auto or working on your 5-iron or whatever.

The fact that safely or productively using these books requires so many caveats and explanations is also one of the reasons that it's likely not in anyone's Top 5 list for book recommendations. Well, that and the fact that it reads like a postscript appendix for Eat, Pray, Love.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 12:03 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I meant by it being toxic; early days after DDay, I was reading anything and everything to try and make sense of crazy. Unfortunately it took me 2 years to find SI. Her writings were one of the first things I picked up and it was total FUBAR. At the least it laid a foundation for 2 years of accepting my WWs waywardness and forming a set of ideas which were enabling of her continued 'fog', at most, it gave her a lifetime of ammo to do as she pleases and rationalise it all away while expecting my reaction to be always the same (I.e. that of a betrayed doormat).

Hence, my total rejection of such shit, specially with a recently (anything between a month and 5 years) wayward wife.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, the stuff that can turn blow jobs into a trigger is in book two.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm intrigued, but wary; blowjobs are one of the few things I don't usually trigger over.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm intrigued, but wary; blowjobs are one of the few things I don't usually trigger over.

I've heard that the way to overcome that is by confronting the trigger. Repetition. Lots of repetition...


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard that the way to overcome that is by confronting the trigger.

Tried that. Doesn't work so well - guess it depends on the severity of the trigger. Just one of my issues. It's a long story I posted about a year ago and don't feel like reliving again.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blowjobs are one of the few things I don't usually trigger over

Trigger me into an empty feeling. Though most things do.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They trigger my sleep reflex.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They trigger my sleep reflex.
I really hope you mean afterwards. Otherwise, that is an ego crusher for her.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Otherwise, that is an ego crusher for her.

Interesting thought...the AP had no problem unloading by BJ (it was how they finished every episode) but during our M, I preferred not to and had only finished that way a few times. I wonder if it was an ego boost for my wife that she could make him do it, and I hurt her ego because it wasn't my preference? Or I'm just overthinking this shit too much.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just overthinking this shit too much.

Not sure, but I'm personally trying not to think too hard on the topic. I'm not sure why the BJ trigger comes up in the second book, but I think I'm going to skip reading about it for now.

I haven't read the Langley books, but I did read the review that Later posted. Holy crap! I think I already have a PhD in crazy and graduated with honors, but I'm not sure I'm ready to read those books yet. It's hard to understand why every wife isn't unfaithful and why we would even want to try to R with them once they go rogue.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 8:47 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or I'm just overthinking this shit too much.

Yep.

Does it really matter? He was gonna unload somewhere. Is there a location (other than in someone other than your FWW) that he could have unloaded that would have hurt less?

It happened. FWW made another man drop his load. Does it really matter whether it was with her mouth, ass or the magic vagina? For that matter, she could have liked to use it as skin cream.

Can you accept the fact that she had sex with another man? If so, does it really matter where he came? Part and parcel of having sex.

Shit, just writing that out that is getting me riled up.

Acceptance is difficult. Is she(who she is now) worth it?

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If so, does it really matter where he came?

For some reason it does. In some way it just seems degrading. You just know he's thinking "take that"
Plus I have a choice on whether I go down on her, but don't really on whether I kiss her lips. I know it's not like there weren't BJ's before me; but having her come home and kiss me goodnight after, com'on. Guess it's just not degrading for her, but me as well.

Great....my skin is crawling now.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some reason it does.

I'm with DR - just not up to articulating it right now. Has a lot to do with events in my childhood. FTR - she said he couldn't cum in a condom and it was the only way to please him. Like a hand job wouldn't of worked. It was his way of dominating her and her way of showing she was worth his attention.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was his way of dominating her

yup. it's really fucked up when you think about it.

makes me wonder why any of us want to keep them. is it just the thought of not wanting someone to take something from us? That's a primeval urge btw. When someone took your lunch, or anything from you, it could have meant the meaning of life or death. And someone banging your mate, means you don't get to procreate. Again, a primeval urge. It's why so many women have been killed for unfaithfulness in our history. Also, why cultures less "modern" than ours extract a high price for a woman's infidelity.

But I think that if any of us are to get over this, 5454 is right. We must just accept that what they did is what people in affairs do. If we can't accept that, I think we will have decades of pain.

Unless of course we throw their shit on the street and find someone better.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


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