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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats jjct, well-deserved honor. And awesome post earlier, we are indeed ruled by our dicks. Until we're not anymore. Then we can see them for who they are.

Glad you find yourself on the other side of the tunnell. Where's the obligatory jjct with young hot chicks photo?

Maybe stored away in BM 10 with WAL's Budweiser clock?

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:19 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Well, today's the ROT rally, when the remaining sane locals (3-4 of us) avoid downtown.

*rummages around old box* ok, here!
.
.
.


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haha, I wondered if that would work - it didn't.
edited
THAT didn't work either gahh

sandwich the address with

Final edit.
I don't know how to tell you!


I dunno. Guess you can google another pathfinder badge image that works.
But I appreciate what you have done and overcome. What you went through And then Stuck around to extract us out of the jungle so to speak. I'm sometimes all over the place and many of you point me in the right direction.
Gentlemen I don't know how far down the rabbit hole my WW went nor how many inappropriate relationships she has had. Even today I was told by a BW that her husband and WW had inappropriate conversations last year ! This is what she texted about my WW and her husband
I think if her and Dane lived closer they would've been in bed together. After reading the messages they were sending I knew but tried believing her, but inside I knew. I think once it happens there's really no repairing it. Too much hurt and trust issues.They were all fb messages. I logged into his fb to get and send u but he has already deleted them. They were dirty by saying things like "you're lucky I don't live close enough to touch you" and her saying she's in shape now to "take care of a man in a way like never before" with a smiley face

I mean WTF. How long has this facade been going on. I don't know who she is or what to take seriously.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:23 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444
So sorry man. That sucks big time. Sorry it has been a rough couple days for you and it sounds like just about everyone else has struggled as well.

Wish I could say I was doing better. I had a great weak of solitude. The family got back Thursday and although it has been awesome having the boys around (3 year old won't leave my side) it has been palpable tension between WW and I. Conclusion - I missed and love my boys but their mother not so much. I've been triggering too because her A started right around Father's day two years ago and she broke NC with the POS the day after Father's day last year. Texts and emails about how "easy it was for them to just fall back into things with each other." How they missed each other and reference to "riding" him.

So I haven't had a very memory worthy Father's Day in awhile.

Had an interesting in conversation with my IC. Basically it came down to what 64fleet had asked earlier about what is needed to R. My answer was emotional maturity. The IC said that was a great answer, but he countered, just like 64fleet, with "I suspect that the one thing that you need most to reconcile with your wife is the one thing that she is incapable of giving you."

That is really making me think: "Incapable?" - impossible, unwilling, difficult, and challenging are all things that I think I could work work. To me there is still hope, "incapable". If that is the case I feel as if I am just delaying the inevitable because I know that I will never be able to "pretend" to be 'ok' with a WW that is incapable of empathy, remorse and working on her emotional maturity. Going to keep me busy thinking about this for awhile.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 1:00 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TC
Those texts are rough aren't they? You probably thought your marriage was ok at one point but all the while this was going on behind your back. You were unknowingly deprived of sex, love, and attention. My WW would smile as if nothing was wrong and all was right with the world meanwhile she was putting herself out there. Everything was a lie.
Date nights and gifts were a lie. Intimacy was probably an act.
Today I am attending a veteran function. Should be a nice soirée. I went to the Ralph Lauren store yesterday and had 3 ladies put together a nice outfit for me. Met 2 other guys also shopping. We were conversing and they related they just went through a divorce and were getting back into the world. Their wives cheated on them. None of us ever met before. Anyway I got a great set of clothes.
Got dressed today, looking good. Cologne, everything.
WW see me and says " your wearing that?" And makes a noise while rolling her eyes so I know I looked good. I walked out the front door. She thought I was leaving and follows me.
She says "are you leaving?"
I said no
She says oh, I was just checking to see if you locked the door on the way out.
Whatever. She's feeling insecure.
Father's Day has to be a trigger for a lot of us. Because we're dads and we take that position seriously. We work hard and love our kids. Our family. It should be a loving day but our families are broken. It's bullshit. And like you TC we were so blatantly disrespected on a day meant to honor us. I wouldn't wish on anyone and they just don't get it. Or they don't want to. Damn she's not even trying. Seriously when we get upset or our mood changes do they ever ask what's wrong? How can I help? What can I do?
No because they already know and they don't want to look at it.
The epitome of selfishness.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 1:39 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC - wow - ears burning -

The IC said that was a great answer, but he countered, just like 64fleet, with "I suspect that the one thing that you need most to reconcile with your wife is the one thing that she is incapable of giving you."

...that was the subject du jour in my MC yesterday and my wife's avoidance in support of all that...

exit question from the MC was whether I could accept her for who she is, avoidance and all. I said I could accept and work with the avoidance tendency, just not the dishonesty.

I hope my MC appreciates that subtlety. Dishonesty is the hand holding evil step-sister of avoidance behavior and self-esteem issues.

eta, 444, those texts are brutal. I have to say that I wish I had your sense of action. You probably get that from your job. per your meeting guys at the store, I do think women's infidelity is the rise, big time.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 2:13 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW would smile as if nothing was wrong and all was right with the world meanwhile she was putting herself out there. Everything was a lie.

Same here B444. She betrayed me several times a week for more than 10 months, always with a smile and a kiss. I look at her sometimes and wonder if under that pretty mask is a narcissisitic monster. I'm sorry you're experiencing yet another D Day.

I've been triggering too because her A started right around Father's day two years ago and she broke NC with the POS the day after Father's day last year. Texts and emails about how "easy it was for them to just fall back into things with each other." How they missed each other and reference to "riding" him.

You must be having a brutal weekend, TC. I've having a bad week and an even worse weekend so far, and I think FD has something to do with it. Nothing started around the time of FD for me - she decided to start her affair the month of our freakin' anniversary - but I think FD really hits home the unfairness of it all, and what you stand to lose if you can't reconcile with someone who treated you with such disregard and disrespect. I hope you find a way to enjoy being a father tomorrow.

ETA: OK, jjct posted a picture. It's officially a BM thread. Carry on.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 3:23 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

found it!!! the bud clock was in my locker with all of jjct's previous photo posts :D

I knew i kept it in a special place

Keep living jjct - you do us all proud.

:thumbs up icon:


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So mine is able to say that nothing in the M caused the A. But, I don't believe that she really believes that. When she becomes angry here words give her away.

I am slow on the uptake, but it occurs to she is not necessarily purposefully has lighting. She has a narrative in her head of what caused the A. And although she will not spell out the complete narrative, she is invested in it.

She can't let go of the narrative, or she will have to accept responsibility, She is protecting herself.

Don't think I see this as a mitigating factor. I see it as a reason to be concerned.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
usedupmyhope
♂ New Member
Member # 38330
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's that honey, You want to dance? With me, your long lost romance?

But I look so sad, and I'm an awkward mess, ever since you kicked me off the crest. Came tumbling down with nothing but joy for the fresh air and freedom and I do enjoy.

What's that sweets, you've come to your senses? Well now, hallelujah, what was the incentive?

You know mine are all altered, they've been replaced. No lover touched me, yet I'm the disgrace.

We'll pretend like it's a reel of tape, just keep turning till it's back in place. One day when we've reached the end, we can turn it over and start again.



Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: usedupmyhope
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Usedupmyhope, welcome brother, sorry you find yourself here, but you found a pretty awesome group of guys who can help you navigate this douchebaggery, grab a chair and a beer.
Didn't catch the game but another O.T. and bean town tied it up, did you catch it?


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

usedupmyhope, welcome. Great start. Read it through 3 times. You're gonna fit right in.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has a narrative in her head of what caused the A. And although she will not spell out the complete narrative, she is invested in it.

She can't let go of the narrative, or she will have to accept responsibility, She is protecting herself.

Ditto later, and this is where the dry adulterer status sets in (read it up in wayward, it's an invaluable post). She may be not in an A and she may have some regret and guilt/shame but as long as she holds on to that narrative and her victimisation, as long as its "he made me do it" or "it's not as bad as he makes it out to be" or "I can fix this M without all this wonky talk at *that* site about 'work' and fixing myself" , as long as there is blame shifting or dishonesty and deceit ("I'll take this with me to my grave"); remorse, IMHO will be impossible. It takes a simple switch to look at this objectively and recognise the crime for what it is as it is viewed through a humane lens which is what some of our WWs are incapable of. BPD? NPD? PA? Or whatever other pathology you can ascribe and excuse some of that thought process, it won't take one bit away from the reality that we're dealing with selfish, remorseless and ultimately very unsafe spouses.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Father's Day mates...do something for yourself today at a minimum. Self care...I'm going to golf and have a few beers. Maybe break out the chainsaw and keep working on a huge scarlet oak we lost in Sandy. Ride around on the John Deere with a cooler. My son's out of town so I don't have to set an example today


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

usedupmyhope)))
Like your poem man! Like 4real said - you're gonna fit right in!
Keep posting. I'm with Tred. Do something special in the self care department today.
Strength and Honor!

Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Father's Day to you fine gentlemen. I work all day today, so you guys get out there and enjoy it for me. Though I wish I never had to know about this place, I am glad I found it.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
usedupmyhope
♂ New Member
Member # 38330
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy fathers day. Let's be honest brothers, this has all been laid out before.

In black and white, printed over and over for thousands of years; we know she's going to take the bite of that Apple. We know that we can't blame the snake.What we can't figure out is why we made that decision.
Some of you might not follow me here, fine.For those that can, isn't it a wonder how we knew that there was a dragon that needed slaying to save our fair maidens when we first met.Almost like we knew that this day was coming.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: usedupmyhope
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok man. Take what you need & leave the rest.
Figuring out why we made the decision is part of the healing process. It can be done. It's a matter of the choices we make going forward.
FTR, I do blame the snake, though it doesn't absolve us of our choices. At least the original apple-biter has being deceived as an 'excuse'.

Part of the process is unpacking that dragon/fair maiden myth, which we have been conditioned to accept as our narrative. (conditioned, brainwashed, sold, pick what works)

I'm out of the rescuing business now. That dented armor is unused now, sitting on some dusty shelf. I don't think I will fit it any more.
More importantly,
it is my choice to let it lie.


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Father's Day gents.

Not much to add as usual, just hope that you guys get some happy times in today.
My kids are taking me to the zoo then I am gonna test out the new golf shirt later, got my Ricky fowler color scheme ready to go, hat, shirt, and pants all matching the golf bag. I am either gonna look pretty awesome or I will look like a giant traffic cone. Either way who cares what I look like, what matters is getting the ol' R9 hitting true.
Keep your heads up guys and enjoy YOUR day!


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
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