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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy 4th back at you and to all the brothers in infidelity. Just let her know you have a previous commitment next year at OBX . NB is probably best, I haven't started a relationship in 20 years. Wouldn't even know where to begin...I guess I could ask my wife for pointers .


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3278 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think it's time for me to spray on some
"Bitch Come Runnin"

Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WRT the General Social Survey - IIRC, it's based on interviews, so 14.7% of women in the sample admitted to cheating.

In a smaller test, of which I know nothing except the results, 1% of women admitted cheating in interviews. when the same sample filled out a questionnaire, 6% admitted cheating. Same sample.

It's very possible the GSS under-reports the frequency of cheating.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8872 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW broke down last night. I had told her we were done. Our marriage was over. I had it.
She texted me flirtatious messages all day. Set up candles all over the house. Made a pandora station for love songs. Even was going to wear an expensive lingerie outfit I bought months ago.
Too bad. I was all set to hang out with a 19 year old Air Force female. Drink some wine. Hang out. Nothing I was working on. Just an invite.
I was kind of torn. I came home , started an argument, and left. WW sends me texts pleading to come home. Of course I did. I'm not looking or am I ready to hang with another female. Once home I get a text from the girl disappointed that we can't hang out and drink. I show WW the text. Btw this girl is very hot.
WW breaks down. Like reality hits like a ton of bricks. I said I have nothing to hide. I have no reason to lie. I am about to file and I am moving on with my life. I don't have a girl friend although several women are interested and I'm going to play the field and entertain all of them because I am tired of her shit and what she's put me through.
I added that she broke her vows. Trashed our marriage. Has not been remorseful at all. She said she never loved her OM. I said that is horrible. I can understand if it was love but if she threw us away for a fling that makes it worse.
She kept saying she was sorry. Sorry about all the pain she caused. What she did. How much she loved me and needed me. How much she fucked up. That she wants to get better.
She tried accusing me of lying about the girl. I said no. I don't need to lie about anything. She removed any obstacles when she fucked someone else. I did tell her I wasn't going to be intimate with anyone until after I filed. She begged me not to.
I know this isn't how we go about conducting our business but she got struck with a 2x4 of reality.
She thought she was holding all the cards. Playing her game of push/pull. Calling me a victim and killing me with TT. In reality she suddenly saw that she is indeed expendable. I can replace her in 5 minutes. That other women were forming a line.
Underhanded. Yes.
I may be weak to a point when it comes to my loyalties but you can only trifle me for so long. I am more attractive than she is in so many ways.
It's like WW meet the door/ door...WW.
That fog began to move. She admitted that OM used her for the first time. That's gotta be rough to admit that the animal you used for validation in fact used you.
WW saw that women of a wide age spectrum were after me. I liked it also. Not that I had any doubts.
She asked what I wanted. I replied a woman that is fun and honest. A pleasure to be around. Normal.
I also hit her below the belt. I said that I chose WW over this girl when WW texted and asked me to come home. If WW wasn't going to be pleasant as evidenced in her text I would see the girl because she would wait all night like WW did when she was her age.
WW didn't walk away this time or turn it around. She didn't blame shift. Call names or get physical. She sat there and confessed and cried, and showed remorse. Then she took me upstairs and performed like a porn star. She acted like a woman who wanted to fight for someone. That wanted to win somebody. And today more of the same. I love you, I need you, and repeated texts.
I wanted her to see that I was ready to go and what she would see when I was gone.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:06 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well played B444, just be careful and maintain your values and integrity until you file, if that ever happens. Hanging with hot young babes who are into you is dangerous.

She acted like a woman who wanted to fight for someone. That wanted to win somebody. And todayore of the same. I love you, I need you, and repeated texts.
I wanted her to see that I was ready to go and what she would see when I was gone.

Congrats, sounds like you finally reached her and that maybe she finally gets it. So does this give you hope that R is possible? You sounded done in earlier posts.

Happy 4th of July to my BM brethren.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the 19 year old wanted to bang. I actually told WW she was 21 because I didn't want her to say I'd contribute to her drinking.
Anyhow the girl was a tool. Not to say I wouldn't actually engage once I file. Who wouldn't? These girls are usually very energetic and love their PT. in addition they don't hate men yet and are fun. Not really relationship material though.
In any regard it was a serious shot across her bow. She had a broken, washed up, POS slime ball. With no effort I can find a hottie. And although this girl is young she is a military veteran already with college and a job. My WW has none of the above.
I've sorta been a voluntary door mat. I've allowed this to go on for too long. WW has gotten too comfortable with my weak boundaries. Sometimes we have to hot back. Pick up our balls and remind them that we have self esteem. That were not hanging around for lack thereof.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done B444. Wish my WW had ever shown any remorse. I sat through a neighborhood party where she charmed the pants off our neighbors while I kept my mouth shut knowing full well the depth of her lies. It just pisses me off knowing that in these situations she can play the normal housewife/mother and most of them are any wiser. This D can't be done fast enough for me. I can't even look at her.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444, I wanna join the crowd and say well played, but I've got some concerns.

She kept saying she was sorry.

You know what her words are worth. Actions brother, and I don't mean the porn star stuff, the real deep down shit. Stuff that really brings about change. How much of this was just because she wanted to show you the magic of her vay-jay? It's all she's got til she makes those changes. That enough to satisfy you?

She acted like a woman who wanted to fight for someone. That wanted to win somebody. And today more of the same. I love you, I need you, and repeated texts.

Great first step, what's the follow through? Stepping up with IC? Reading books? How is she changing herself, rather than just doing what it takes to get you to take your eyes off the prize? Flanking maneuver?

What are your expectations of her? How many has she fulfilled? Was it enough to get you to postpone filing? What's your next step?

No 2 X 4's here, just want you to truly survey the terrain. Question every damn thing til you are satisfied. Wasn't that long ago she broke your toothbrush.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2057 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B44 - integrity and honesty above all.

If you're going to D, you need to detach. Trying to make her jealous isn't detaching. Letting yourself get seduced is the opposite of detachment.

It almost sounds like your goal is to humiliate your W and thereby bring her to R (by which I mean: do the work of R). I can understand that, but if that's what you want, the sooner you acknowledge it, the better, for your own benefit.

Why are you messing with the 19 year old woman? It sounds like you're not being honest with her. If that's the case, that doesn't help you at all. In fact, if she as any self-respect, you've probably cost yourself points with her.

Detach from your W. D. Then have fun, with honesty and integrity, and no voices saying you're playing unpleasant games that could end up with you in even more pain than you are now.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8872 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444,

The way I read your last few posts, you’re still playing your WW’s games. You’re just trying to change the rules so that you win. The thing is when these types of games are played nobody wins. Nobody gets healthy. You just end up fighting for power and control, so that each of you can ‘come out on top’ and ultimately end up hurting each other and others. The only way to win is to stop playing.

Warning pretty big 2x4 coming:
As far as the 19 yr old, you used her to make your WW jealous (even admitting that she was nothing more than a tool to you). You talk about using her to help yourself feel better (why does your SELF esteem rely on others?). You lied to your WW about her. Not only are you playing games in your own life, but your stepping out and influencing young women. With people doing this to young girls no wonder this doesn’t last for many women:

in addition they don't hate men yet
Is this the type of person you want to be?


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444,

She had sex with OM to manipulate him and to keep his attention, now she had sex with you to do the same. Not that she sounds like she needs any lessons, but you are teaching her how to manipulate you.

Picking a fight with your WW to have an "excuse" to leave and then deciding which woman you will be with based on sex (porn star versus young PT enthusiast) sounds like approaching wayward thinking.

Who are you trying to remind that you have balls and self-esteem; the WW you are D-ing, the WW you still hope to R with, or yourself?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:00 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like all of the brethren to take a moment for our brother JJCT, who we apparently lost to NB over the holiday. Requiescat in pace, mate. You'll be missed.

Applications for Head Marble Collector are now being accepted. Must possess esoteric wit, a fondness for beer and chess, have a sense of humor, and an aversion to drinks that women label as "yummy".


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3278 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nooooo....oh, new beginnings, you are a harsh mistress.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh, I'm going to miss the pictures. I must admit though, I'm pretty happy for him.

I do wonder what this will do to his membership in the NO MA'AM club though. If I remember correctly, NB pretty much demands everything is YES MA'AM for a while.

good luck jj, safe traveling.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2057 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, what nmp said ^^^^

Please take a moment to reassess your REaction to your WWs crazymaking. Don't play that game, the slippery slope is insidious and hard to detect. One of the reasons I lurk a lot at the wayward threads. You can learn a lot there.

Your playing the 19 yr old is borderline EA. if that's what you want to do, file first. Integrity above all.

Enough on the "not a date" hang out.

As for your WW, yes, it's all words. FTN, as our recently lost jj would say. Whatever you do, if its R you seek, more hurt will only complicate matters. Her crying and loving you and sex will mean nothing in a few days time if you see her still being unhealthy. ACTIONS she takes and is consistent in are all that matter. Trying to manipulate an outcome will eventually only make you feel more hurt. I've been there. Instead of one spouse being manipulative, you'll have 2 who are in a spiral of sickness, don't play by those rules.

I know it's a booyah moment for you, but be careful that the cost is not something you cannot bear. Ultimatums eventually act against you, if you say the M has ended, mean it. File. Even if she's taking the right steps, file anyway. You're in the process of detachment for your own health, not her reaction. You'll have time after that to decide the outcome, so will she. A person does not unlearn a lifetime of unhealthy coping over 2 or 3 weeks and its not even been that since the last 'incident' with your WW. Hope paralyses, stop hoping that you'll win her back. She needs to come to that realisation herself. Healthy=chance at salvaging a workable M. Unhealthy=continual cycle of the mistakes of the past. It's your choice eventually.

If you're not filing stop saying that you're done/the M is ended, unless you want a new dynamic of an open M or whatever. If you keep saying that you're done and she sees she can successfully rope you in/win an extension, you've suddenly given her the realisation that she's can still manipulate you with little to no effort on her part (crying, saying I love you's and circus sex do not count as much effort anyway). BTDT, it's all surfacy and leads to no change.

Change comes from drive. Fighting to keep you is only a temporary driver. Jealousy itself is even more temporal. You're not winning this way. Read uncertainones recent post in wayward to see what I mean.

Strength brothers, lets be better men for ourselves and our kids.

Jj, say it isn't so... These rumours are false, I'll be in denial till you respond.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate all the input and everyone is correct.
I was just being an asshole. I wanted to rub it in. Nothing was going to happen. I selfishly wanted her to feel a bit of what I have felt.
She said she was fighting for me and wants to save our family.
I thought how nice. That's very touching.
Were betrayed. Sometimes we do stupid things and make rash decisions. Nothing seems to get through to our WW's.
it's almost like cops and robbers
Cops have rules they have to abide by. They have to travel the high road. They get judged on their actions and responses.
Criminals don't.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444

I'm late to the party but I can say I don't disagree with any of the advice you've been given. I know how incredibly hard it is to resist being dragged back into the fray. The expectation to 'just' have a faithful wife didn't seem to be that high, but yet here we are. You have to hold yourself above all of this. You know that and you cannot allow yourself to fall because of her shortcomings.

Revenge will get you nowhere. I've had those same thoughts myself, but I know in the end it will only bring on more pain and give you more pieces to put back together in end. It will delay an eventual return to a 'normal' life. You are playing with fire. 19?!? Regardless of age, you shouldn't be anywhere near these women who are lining up. You know you don't need the ego boost. You'll do fine on the open market if it comes to that, but for now you are still married. I may be prudish and I don't know the laws in NY, but I'd say keep them waiting until the divorce is final. Separated still means you're legally married. Divorced means your not and free to do as you wish. You never know, it is possible you could chose to R during the divorce process. Nothing is final until the judge signs the divorce decree. You don't want that on your conscience, do you? I know I have enough to wear my heart down than to add that to the list.

Stay honorable. She has taken so much away from you, deny her that privilege.

Do you know what you want? Is she capable of giving you the effort you need to R? These are the things that you need to be working on.

One of the things that I've been struggling with myself is do I REALLY want this M. My WW has given me a glimpse of true remorse. My question has been even if she turns around and is the most remorseful WW ever known, will it be enough for me. I'm been so consumed with getting to a point to be able to really work on the M, I'm not sure that I've spent enough time determining if I even truly want the M. There are really good reasons to do my best for the benefit of the kids, but besides that, do I really want her back?

Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 2:59 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were betrayed. Sometimes we do stupid things and make rash decisions.

It can be tough to be honorable when you are down. Recognizing where we went wrong and fixing that is the honorable thing to do. I’m glad for you that you did not take it too far.

She said she never loved her OM. I said that is horrible. I can understand if it was love but if she threw us away for a fling that makes it worse.

IDK but few things came to mind when I read that. First different people react differently. Some people would be quite happy that it was “only a fling”. Second is for me I know that I really don’t know how I will react until I’ve been down a road. I know how I think I would react, but I would have never thought my reactions to this crap would be what they have been so far. Third is for me often my reaction when I am in pain tend to be defensive. When I’ve digested the pain a bit that initial reaction often was an indicator but not necessarily spot on. Last was “be careful what you ask for”.

Jjct,
I’ve not been around much so I just read your last poem. I’ve got to say it was beautiful AND deep. The first read I only made it through the first stanza and I was off to the races with an insight into what makes me tick. Thanks and good luck with the NB. Let the fly shine free man.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jul 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing seems to get through to our WW's.

Did your actions really get through to her? Not the superficial shit, but the deep stuff. It's why it's preached so much here, change has to be something that comes from within her.

I was just being an asshole. I wanted to rub it in. Nothing was going to happen. I selfishly wanted her to feel a bit of what I have felt.

Absolutely, positively BTDT. Wasn't blaming you for that at all. 19 yo was questionable, but don't think you were gonna let it get out of hand, but that's playing with fire brother.

What's up with the M? You've got time to decide bro.

Fuck it ain't fair.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2057 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yo. I know we have tech-saavy dudes in here (wal, SG, I think)... can anyone pop over to New Picture Thread over in F&G and tell me what I'm doing wrong?

ETA: Never mind. Someone told me.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:18 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
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