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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think the survey is skewed. I should have moved it a lot more than that.

Seriously, I realize that I'm hyper vigilant when it comes to this subject, and more than a little sensitive to it, but from my experience IRL, what I read in the news and what I see the D rate is, infidelity is a lot more common than is being admitted. C'mon, it's promoted everywhere. Everyone is doing it. Just turn on the television for a while. "Mistresses"? really? In a prime time viewing slot? What are we teaching the kid's.

Marriage is a contract, yet it's terms can be broken without consequence to the breaker of those terms and for the most part, even rewarded. What other area of life does that work? I realize that a primetime series about and intact family could never work/sarc.. The model has become "sex sell's", damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Wow!!! Gotta avoid that 4th cuppa coffee. Didn't mean to rant.

I do believe it can work. Thanks to you guy's for providing me the model. In my case, surviving infidelity has also taught me a healthy framework for what a successful relationship could/should look like. Whether or not this M survives, I know that *I'm* becoming a healthier person.

Thanks all


ETA However, 6 for 6 will require the learning of Gregorian chants.

just saying

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:58 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether or not this M survives, I know that *I'm* becoming a healthier person.

Word.

I think that survey didn't include men of SI...hell, I'm 2 for 2. I wouldn't of minded going .500 either - I was actually counting on it. Stupidly thought I had it made after 14 years of marriage (that were pretty happy for me). Like Sal says, I wish my wife would of let me know that it monogamy was an option.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marriage is a contract, yet it's terms can be broken without consequence to the breaker of those terms and for the most part, even rewarded. What other area of life does that work?

This ^^^ 5454! I have been paying the consequences of her actions for over two years. Now I've been served a restraining order so I can't even go near my house that I pay for. This world is fucked up.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is any question that number isn't completely accurate.

Almost every BS here know that the WS's are NOT going to admit to anything. Their intent is to hide those A's until death. Hell they won't even admit it to their spouse with the evidence physically laid out in front of them on the table. That rules out those that are currently fully invested in an A and I think also those that are in denial they are even having an A. Now, how many that have admitted to their spouse are going to admit to other people outside of the "special-secret-club" that they had one, still think this number would be really low percentage-wise.

That number then reflects two groups. Those that can admit to themselves that they did a terrible thing and are willing to face it. And also those vindictive ones that are like, yeah I cheated on that prick he deserved it, and I throwing it in his face anyway I can.

So really I think that number could be doubled at least, more likely tripled, but that's just speculation on my part.

It was more of a... "14.7%, that's it, Son of a Bitch!" type reaction when I read it.

Oh jjct & 5454, 2f2 & 5f5, I think you two just blew the bell curve on that statistical analysis to shit. 5 for 5, you just broke my calculator trying to find the odds of that. Sorry to add to your pain, just busting your balls a little
I would think that those of us KISA have a knack for finding that 14.7% as well

One way or another, to all my 14.7% brothers, keep truckin!

ETA**************
Tred, 2f2, you too! No doubt us KISA's have a special talent for sniffing them out.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 11:06 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To get to 14.7% I would need to have 11.6 consecutive faithful wives from here out. Just a thought.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To get to 14.7% I would need to have 11.6 consecutive faithful wives from here out. Just a thought.

Looks like you have your work cut out for you. 11? I can't handle the one.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all know the danger of small sample sizes, so take these data points with a grain of salt.

When I finally overcame enough shame and grief over FWW's A to talk to my close friends about it, I discovered that of the 5 guys, all 5 had been cheated on by their W's. One admitted that he went first, so hers was an RA.

And like they say, "That's just the ones that found out, the actual rate of infidelity could be higher."

In my own miserable case, of the 4 "serious" sexual relationships of my life, 2 (a GF and a W) cheated on me, and 2 (a GF and somebody else's W) were cheating with me.

I fully admit to my culpability in all this, but this is fucked up.

IDK, 100% seems hard to top.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think that those of us KISA have a knack for finding that 14.7% as well

they find us-I've had two women in the past month come on to me, I could tell right away they were seeking a man with a vehicle and a job with no drug/alcohol addiction.

The one yesterday was 56-she realized I was too young when I missed a "My Three Sons" reference....


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think that those of us KISA have a knack for finding that 14.7% as well

Yes they do. If we are taking an SI poll. I am 2 for 2 as well. One was a fiancee, never married her. Thank god. Although she tries to find ways to contact me still. Definately bunny boiler type.

Anyway, women who are looking for their traits are looking for someone to rescue them from their problems. They fall in love with the idea we can fix them, complete them or whatever. If you are a knight riding a white horse to the rescue, then that makes them a princess. Some women love to think of themselves as princesses. We being KISA try until it almost kills us. Either we give up (cause it was impossible to live up to an idealized expectation) or we keep trying our Ws give up because we haven't fixed them yet. Eventually they look for another Knight "that will try harder or be better at fixing things." As we know now, it ain't the type of knight that is the problem. It isn't even any issue with the princess. It is the adult woman thinking of real people in real life with idealized terms of knight and princesses. "Delusional," does not do it justice.

These are the same women who spout off about equality, rights, etc. Seriously !? They have to create a new word for that kind of crazy. Or is it just selfish with an added twist of the inability to care about anyone, but themselves.

Crazy or selfish ? Is that what it boils down to ?


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going back 100 or so pages in the BM threads to a great summary of how so many of us got here:

I was not that unhappy in the M.
To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W.
OTOH, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her.

In my case, there were also some FOO-based self-image issues that mean that if I ever complimented her for anything, it was proof of my insincerity, if not outright dishonesty.

Now that calls for a KISA, and since I had been disqualified for the job by virtue of being foolish enough to marry her in the first place, it was time to go shopping for another.

Fucking Princess behavior to the max.

BTW, a Princess never has to say she's sorry.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had an interesting MC session last night. My wife actually surprised me. She told the MC that we had a horrible weekend and that it was all her fault. She admitted that she picked a fight about the texting issue.

We had a long discussion about remorse. MC told my WW that she needs to show that she understands the pain she has caused and work on the source of her 'reasons' for the A. He asked her if she is serious about R and if so she has a lot of work ahead of her to prove it. She complained that going over the A means that she feels she is living in the shame of the A again. He told her that is normal and just one of the consequences of her choices. He also said she has to work on understanding and managing her shame/guilt and none of it can just be glossed over. He told her that since she broke NC that the affair really didn't end until recently and any 'healing' or 'trust' had been eliminated.

For the first time in a long time I saw a glimpse of a heart inside of her. Not sure how I feel about it yet. I feel partly vindicated but that is a very shallow victory. I mostly feel some renewed pain and anger that she could make such selfish choices.

Who knows what lies ahead? She is finally starting to own her choices.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 3:33 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's real good, if she's 'starting to own her own choices'
I pray for your heart.and all i do is write about that seems sometimes.

the fireflys glow.
Secrets ancients whisper.
Storytell low.

Earthshouts a holler,
blistering light,
a groaning is heard
in vacuums spaced night.

Beyond cries explosion
a silence is heard
stratosphere seeks the wondering
facts find the word.

From starlight blue blisterlight
silence so near
Since sighs sings wet softened songs,
Cant find a word.

Everything is recorded.
Nothing is forgotten.

The dear, innocent fireflys
I trapped ina jar was me.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
didiknow
♂ New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

real nice brother


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's gold, jjct.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can't find the like button, so I'll just have to say damn it I like that one.

ETA if I hang out here long enough, will some of this creativity rub off?

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:57 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask a shrink and they'll say we're all crazy on some level, so i'll settle for

Or is it just selfish with an added twist of the inability to care about anyone, but themselves.

sociopath, narcissist, self centered would all fit too. its no wonder so many kids are being brought up so fucked up.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dammit Jim!
1st thing this morning I peeked in here, was going to delete that garble, and I'm
just. fucking. humbled.
I thank you. This is where I take my shoes off (& apparently my sanity too) - trying to figure out what's going on, well, I guess it's ok to get nakey in my safe place, expose my luna cy,
Quick. Go out. Look at the moon in the East. Shiny!

What's going on is I'm attracted. I felt attraction.
Not a thread starter, but here's the deal. I'm scared as shit.
& I'm looking at that firefly in a jar, wondering, and fucking hating
exposure.
Going there again.
Like putting my 2 strikes toe in the batter's box.
One foot entombed in definition,
the other on a banana peel.

It's a fight. I'm fighting.
I have to figure this shit out, am I just stupidly attracted to the attraction again? before I let the firefly out.
Dam damage.
I was never scared before.
Given my track record, maybe it's a good thing.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JJ,

Nice poem. You saying your getting sweet on someone and not sure what to do?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sounds like jj

you go bro, you go...


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that's it.
It's like when you buy a new car. You start seeing that car everywhere.
I see everywhere on here - nodding acknowledgement of KISA, codep,...stuff...

I know it in my head, but I've kept my heart in a lock box. Far away. Now dammit, comes this jiggling tingling thing I thought to avoid, I thought I was done with
& I question it.

What. THE fuck.
I guess I should stumble over to NB & ask about it...
Thanks friends.
Happy INDEPENDENCE Day!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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