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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she did it because he was fun, passionate and made her laugh

Statements like these me sick. I really am glad I don't hear this shit from my W anymore.

Wow. Throw away your morals, dignity and self worth. Family, husband be damned. He makes me laugh and damn it I'm entitled to as much cock as I need to validate myself.

Ultimately the wayward must own their shit. I think there is a window of time to do this for R to work. For some it's short others a bit longer, it depends on when the BS gets their footing and detaches. If by the time of detachment the WS is still spouting off this kind of self entitled bull shit the window closes fast.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We also had a discussion about commitment vs. passion. She takes my detachment as a sign of a lack of commitment. I'm not PASSIONATE enough.

I guess it doesn't count that I've been faithful and have given her a second chance despite her her infidelity, breaking NC about 40 times, and has never offered a heartfelt apology. Doing weekly IC sessions to work on myself has no value. What matters to her is that I continually validate her and make her 'feel safe' despite her past because well it's the past. My anger and pain are still with me because I chose for them to be.

I told her that I'd take commitment every day. 'Passion' and 'love' are fleeting emotions. All relationships experience struggles. The flame cannot burn with intensity every day. That's reality. Commitment keeps you grounded when your emotions may lead you astray. I have every reason to question her commitment and she has no reason to question mine. It's all just further evidence that she has some serious internal work to do if she will ever be a healthy partner for anyone.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 4:12 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's not one thing,
it's your mother.

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if my rants killed the mood. I'm calming down. I appreciate being able to vent.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heck no, don't worry about it.
All the work you've done has no value to her.
Make it about you.

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ssi - we should knock back a few brews & tell each other NPD tales. You sound strong, & I'm sending you more!

Would love to jjct. I think I've just spent enough time beating myself up, and when I saw the texting to the OM, it lifted the fog for me. I knew that R was not possible. I feel at peace with it now.

I know the vets here preach detach, but its so damn hard when you think there is still a chance, it goes against our very grain to be there for our families. I'm there now, and I see how life will be so much better once I've moved on without her. I know I'll find the woman who appreciates what I bring to the table, and will reciprocate.

Time to fire up the grill men. ssi0318 out.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldnt find what WAL said but I did find this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

and some more great advise here (bumping for newbies)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=467979

been reading up the past BM threads, including the time I first popped in and WALs advise to me;

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=389011&AP=936&HL=14393

had a lot of fun reading the marble collectors movie script

any idea how cannon. quedagh, kchip and mpb are doing?


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if my rants killed the mood.

Not at all TC.

I appreciate being able to vent.

That's why we're here, brother. Keep it coming.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
didiknow
♂ New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the vets here preach detach, but its so damn hard when you think there is still a chance

This x 1000 for me.

My STBXWW and I have been emailing for the last 2 weeks and really communicating better than we had ever.
Due to our communication, it finally hit me, two days ago, that it was really over.

I called WW just so I could hear her confirm it and when she did, Acceptance washed over me with a tidal wave of emotion. I was in my car, in the parking lot at work, just sobbing.
The next day, I was able to see the M, and many things that occurred, much more clearly. That's when the anger set in.

I had been angry after D-Day but not like this. As long as there was hope, I hadn't allowed myself to get really angry. Even though, in my head, I knew it was over a long time ago. It wasn't until I felt it, in my heart, that I was able to detach and feel the anger.

It was bad, the worst anger I have ever felt toward someone. It kept building all day long and I knew that, as soon as I got home from work, I had to write it down. I wrote a letter to STBXWW and told her exactly what I thought of her and what she had done and made a long list of every single thing that I was mad about; and then I sent it to her.

I can't even beging to tell you guys how much better I feel now. I sent the email yesterday and she let me know pretty quick that she got it. Ever since, I have been calm and detached. I no longer have the emotional connection to her and to what she did.

Mostly, I'm just sad now. Sad that she had to have an affair to be happy (I stole that from someone else on here), sad that things turned out the way that they did, especially since it was all so unnecessary.

The dam has broken and the emotions that were being held back have been released and i'm in such a better place now.

Thank you, to everyone on SI for posting. We all have such similar experiences and WW. You never know how much your post is going to resonate with another person so thank you all for sharing.

On a bright note, I just bought myself a used mercedes e300 diesel sedan today

Stay healthy my friends


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any idea how cannon. quedagh, kchip and mpb are doing?

Big shout out to my fellow Marble Collectors! Hope you guys are great wherever you are!

ssi speaks about 'lifting the fog', and didiknow says 'it finally hit me' - and that's what I remember...
After the 'thousand injuries of Fortunato' (Edgar Allan Poe reference)...all the incremental wounds, hits, aspersions, disrespect...it finally became clear. It was as if a great iron gate clanged closed in my head. So loud in the silence. I heard it. I knew.
That's how 'knowing' and peace came to me.

If your W is driving the Rcar - I envy that. I never had that. It's beautiful and unattainable for me.
I love it that she's delicious!
For the rest, I tire of the bullshit such strong men put up with.
The lack of remorse is like red crayon writing in blood on the wall.
I wish you all peace, and knowing.
& a Mercedes!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the struggle has been about dealing with the emotions of betrayal. I have never had any difficulty in feeling my emotions or identifying what I was feeling and the source of that feeling. My struggles have always been in conveying my emotions.

My main struggle has been in dealing with 'negative' emotions hence it seems reasonable that I would have had a hard time expressing the numerous 'negative' emotions of betrayal. I think this in part has affected my wifeís response. She hasnít really seen the true effects of her choices. Detachment was hard for me initially. Iíve come a long way in part to the great folks here at SI, IC sessions, and ongoing insults from my WW.

This weekend was a true test of my resolve. I had finally reached a level of detachment that felt Ďcomfortableí. I handled myself with as much dignity as I could muster, but I held back nothing. I had always felt a sense of guilt and selfishness about detachment. I feel that way no longer. It isn't punishment. It isnít about Ďplaying gamesí or attempting control. It is all about taking care of you.

My WW struggled this weekend. She was lost and miserable. As an empathetic and compassionate person, that has always been my Achillesí heal. It wasnít this weekend. I talked to her in a normal tone about meals, kids and plans for the day but nothing more. She walked around mumbling about how Ďchildishí I was acting; how our three year old was playing in what Ďused to be her roomí. She is very stubborn and prideful. I knew the marriage was on the brink and quite frankly I didnít care. The marriage as it is isnít worth much of anything.

I would have bet anything that this cycle would have continued until she called it quits and by the look of it that was coming really quickly. At the end of the day yesterday though, she came up to me and gave me the best apology she has ever offered. It was the real deal. I could feel the brokenness in her. Sheís a good actress, but this wasnít an act. She told me how sorry she was for the A, being selfish, yelling at me, and being disrespectful. She said she doesnít know how to deal with the shame because it consumes her. She said she would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to prove her love for me.

Iíd be lying if I said that I didnít like to hear those things. The beauty of detachment though is that it didnít interfere with my being able to receive the apology, but I still feel as if I have enough perspective to see it for what it is. It is a start. I have nowhere else to be. I have all of the time in the world. A moment of clarity may be all that it was from WW or it could be the start of something more. I donít know and I donít have to know. It is on her to follow through. She has kept my interest, but has not sucked me back in.

I told her that I believe that things are going to get worse before they get better. I warned her that Iíve been holding back and that there is a whole lot of pain and anger to work through. I laid out all of my expectations moving forward. She is the most broken that Iíve ever seen her. Who knows where this leads, but I do know that I have the strength to continue to move myself towards healing whether or not she choses to accompany me. I guess Iíve finally let go of the outcome. I guess I have had a chance to say my peace. I guess Iím comfortable with my own narrative. It is too bad it has taken me 18 months to get here, but at least I finally made it here.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 8:20 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tc, that is really good to read.
Fantastic.
You're going to be immensely helpful to anybody struggling through the grime.
I applaud you.

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had always felt a sense of guilt and selfishness about detachment. I feel that way no longer. It isn't punishment. It isnít about Ďplaying gamesí or attempting control. It is all about taking care of you.

Immensely... It took me far longer than 18 months, but that's where I slowly found myself over the past year. No such remorse or awakening from W though.

It did take a long time for me to recognise that it wasn't control or punishment or just some form of getting a response from an infinitely far superior adversary at PA games and detachment.

It for me and my happiness and sanity. And she can't 'nice' me into attachment nor can she 'crazy circus sex' me into it either. Heck, if she hates it, I care no longer for the OUTcome either. Thanks BM}}} love the jedi side hug.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC

It sounds like it is helping you to detach. It saves the energy required to work on your own feelings.

Keep at it. Most WS, especially WW, seem to need to rock bottom before they are motivated to seek help and are in any way able to consistently show remorse. She has to be broken before she can be built back up to a new and improved model. For those of us with KISA issues it is hard not to intervene. After all that is what a H does, right. Yes a H does, but a BH should not. Let her fall to pieces, don't help the descent, but don't stop it either.

Remember when she fails apart, she did this to herself and she needs to do the heavy lifting of making amends, healing herself and showing you she is safe enough for you to be vulnerable again.


She said she would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to prove her love for me.

Based on her behavior I think she needs to prove it to herself first. Again, these are words from someone you cannot trust therefore ask her what she has done in this area. BTW threats don't count. Talk is cheap, especially from a WW that is not owning her shit.

Keep doing like you did this past weekend. It seems like that has finally gotten through to her.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to prove her love for me.

Pretty words. Mine said the same thing in her timeline letter, that she would spend the rest of her life making it up to me. In the very same letter that she lied to me, and then continued to lie for nine more months. I'm sure in her own way she meant it, and the TT (aka lies) were for my own good, to protect my feelings, but I don't trust words any longer. Actions, and things I can actually prove, those things I trust. Intentions? Not so much. They lead to hope, which gets harder to have each time it is beaten into submission.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've detached. A few times. I've also received bigger crumbs to pull me back in. I've said to myself she couldn't possibly be acting but I was an unwilling role player in her one woman show for a long time until the curtain fell in her tradjedy.
Now I can't tell what is real and what isn't. Like the boy who cried wolf I can't tell the difference. I try. I look at her and flash ack to a time when she smiled at me and then went to another room or place to spend time with someone else.
Now even when I see her text I'm unsettled.
She told me she made out for hours with OM but can't do it for more than 10 mins with me.
No real passion
Her housework sucks ( yeah I sound like a typical husband) but its true.
Her cooking sucks
Everything you would expect in a loving wife is a shell.
Actions speak louder than words.
I went to a party the other day for some kids. The house was clean. They had a video playing on a loop of their good times as a family and I was envious of it all. I don't have that.
I took her out to dinner. I had to ask her to dress up a little. I always do. Spent over 200 bucks on lobster and seafood.
Of course we had sex. Wasn't that inspired. She wasn't that fun.
Lawyer gets back this week.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that words from a WW are meaningless. I can recognize them for what they are. It is how she presented herself that resonated for me.

She is so incredibly strong, independent, stubborn and prideful and for nearly 48 hours she huffed around rolling her eyes, sighing and mumbling under her breath. She knows that I can't stand to see her struggle. She knows that I'll do just about anything to make her happy. For a long time, I thought that was my job. I thought it was my job to hold back my temper and shield her from my anger, pain disappointment or whatever else I was feeling at the time. Problem for her is I have finally released myself of the duties as her KISA.

She has wrapped herself up in a world that requires constant validation. I wasn't enough before and I won't be enough now.

I guess in a way I no longer have hope. It isn't that I don't care about the outcome. For my kids sake I do 'hope' she can fix herself. As for myself though it doesn't really matter what she chooses.

I know she has some major issues and and a very hard road in front of her. She may not be capable of doing the required work. She may slip back into her old ways. I just know that I won't slip back with her. It is a long way from where I felt we were 48 hours ago. Time will tell.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to pop in real quick and say that this right here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=389011&AP=936&HL=14393

...originally by WAL, reposted by noescape...
...is the first thing every BM should read before they go to MC of any sort where infidelity is involved. Do it. I have read it many, many times, and cycle through it every time I'm driving to MC.


ďAnyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.Ē

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Guys, I have to check in again after quite a hiatus because my STBXWW created a profile on here (secretly) and was actually giving me advice on my posts! Anyway, I have really been going through the ringer trying to detach from her madness. Here is kind of a scaled down version of my story to give you guys that donít know me what Iíve endured over the course of 2 years. In July of 2011 STBXWW decided to create a profile on Adult Fuck Finder. She spent the month of July and August driving all over the bi-state area for hookups with the great men she met on Adult Fuck Finder. She had to take a break in September to recover from her plastic surgery (tummy tuck and fake tits) but she picked up where she left off 3 weeks after her surgery to meet up with another scumbag while I was on my annual fishing trip. In Mid October I was catching on to something being wrong and I confronted her with some phone calls and facebook shit I had found. So she left me to move into her girlfriends house so she could continue her hookups and behavior. By early November I finally got the cell phone bill with the text message detail (just phone numbers that she was texting) and was horrified to see over 3500 text messages to about 10 different numbers. I confronted her that night and she confessed to creating the profile but never met up with any of the scumbags. There began the trickle truth. The next day I began calling these numbers and discovered that she had indeed met up with these scumbags and had sent pictures to the scumbags and had sex with the scumbags. Of course she denied everything. I was devastated. In my hurt and despair I made the mistake of taking her back in to the house. We were supposedly going to try and work on things. Well, 7 weeks later she is using her girlfriends house to hook up with a soldier boy home on leave. This is in January of 2012. I had installed a keylogger and she was using an internet texting service to continue her behavior with at least 3 of the scumbags, one of them our maid of honors husband. So, I was devastated again and listened to her bullshit and agreed to give her 30 more days to prove herself. So I go thru 5 more months of trickle truth and torture playing super sleuth detective. In May I find text messages to two of the scumbags and file for divorce, move out to a friends house and try to begin to heal. This putís a scare into her (I guess) and she starts going to church and finally admits to having sex with just two of the scumbags. This was June 21st of last year. So I am once again devastated and the wound is ripped open. We go to church counseling and I set some firm boundaries, which she refers to as demands and on the day before my birthday she takes a bunch of pills and my 17 year old son finds her in the closet. We get her to the hospital where she spends a week in the ward. (I forgot to mention I spent a week in the ward myself back in February one month after I discovered she met up with soldier boy.) So I had to move back home and we continue the saga. I think we are reconciling but still catch her in some lies and dishonesty and in December I discover another A she had with a guy from Facebook. So my wounds again are ripped open. In January she breaks no contact and calls one of the scumbags because he had called her first. Wound ripped open again. In February we are going along pretty well and I discover that she had a secret account on here and go back and read all of her posts. She created the profile back in Septemeber, 2012. So from September til Feb she has been deceiving me. I was horrified to read what she wrote in her posts. SI kicks her off the site and I decide then and there that I can no longer continue listening or putting up with her BS. So we discuss separation and she will not move out of the house because after all she is deserving of living there with all that she did. All the while hiding behind her new found religion. She spouts off accusing me of being unforgiving. So I end up having to move out because I canít live with her anymore and continue on with the divorce. I moved out in April and have been under constant attack from her and her lying ways. She lies and manipulates my boys and just Friday night my oldest son attacked me and assaulted me because ďI called his mom namesĒ. All of the focus has been switched from her abhorrent behavior to my reactions to her fucked upness. She has now filed a restraining order against me to keep me from my house and my boys. She is trying to destroy me and my good name with her sin. All I want to do is get away from her and her wickedness. Itís just sad that she has resorted to using the boys against me in her charades. I need support from my brothers here on SI. Please help. I am losing strength fastÖ.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PG,

That's all kinds of fucked up mate. You know you can call me whenever you need. If you are still coming down this way, let me know. Beers on me.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
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