She said she did it because he was fun, passionate and made her laugh
Statements like these me sick. I really am glad I don't hear this shit from my W anymore.
Wow. Throw away your morals, dignity and self worth. Family, husband be damned. He makes me laugh and damn it I'm entitled to as much cock as I need to validate myself.
Ultimately the wayward must own their shit. I think there is a window of time to do this for R to work. For some it's short others a bit longer, it depends on when the BS gets their footing and detaches. If by the time of detachment the WS is still spouting off this kind of self entitled bull shit the window closes fast.
I guess it doesn't count that I've been faithful and have given her a second chance despite her her infidelity, breaking NC about 40 times, and has never offered a heartfelt apology. Doing weekly IC sessions to work on myself has no value. What matters to her is that I continually validate her and make her 'feel safe' despite her past because well it's the past. My anger and pain are still with me because I chose for them to be.
I told her that I'd take commitment every day. 'Passion' and 'love' are fleeting emotions. All relationships experience struggles. The flame cannot burn with intensity every day. That's reality. Commitment keeps you grounded when your emotions may lead you astray. I have every reason to question her commitment and she has no reason to question mine. It's all just further evidence that she has some serious internal work to do if she will ever be a healthy partner for anyone.
[This message edited by thinkingclear at 4:12 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]
ssi - we should knock back a few brews & tell each other NPD tales. You sound strong, & I'm sending you more!
Would love to jjct. I think I've just spent enough time beating myself up, and when I saw the texting to the OM, it lifted the fog for me. I knew that R was not possible. I feel at peace with it now.
I know the vets here preach detach, but its so damn hard when you think there is still a chance, it goes against our very grain to be there for our families. I'm there now, and I see how life will be so much better once I've moved on without her. I know I'll find the woman who appreciates what I bring to the table, and will reciprocate.
Time to fire up the grill men. ssi0318 out.
and some more great advise here (bumping for newbies)
been reading up the past BM threads, including the time I first popped in and WALs advise to me;
had a lot of fun reading the marble collectors movie script
any idea how cannon. quedagh, kchip and mpb are doing?
Sorry if my rants killed the mood.
Not at all TC.
I appreciate being able to vent.
That's why we're here, brother. Keep it coming.
I know the vets here preach detach, but its so damn hard when you think there is still a chance
This x 1000 for me.
My STBXWW and I have been emailing for the last 2 weeks and really communicating better than we had ever.
Due to our communication, it finally hit me, two days ago, that it was really over.
I called WW just so I could hear her confirm it and when she did, Acceptance washed over me with a tidal wave of emotion. I was in my car, in the parking lot at work, just sobbing.
The next day, I was able to see the M, and many things that occurred, much more clearly. That's when the anger set in.
I had been angry after D-Day but not like this. As long as there was hope, I hadn't allowed myself to get really angry. Even though, in my head, I knew it was over a long time ago. It wasn't until I felt it, in my heart, that I was able to detach and feel the anger.
It was bad, the worst anger I have ever felt toward someone. It kept building all day long and I knew that, as soon as I got home from work, I had to write it down. I wrote a letter to STBXWW and told her exactly what I thought of her and what she had done and made a long list of every single thing that I was mad about; and then I sent it to her.
I can't even beging to tell you guys how much better I feel now. I sent the email yesterday and she let me know pretty quick that she got it. Ever since, I have been calm and detached. I no longer have the emotional connection to her and to what she did.
Mostly, I'm just sad now. Sad that she had to have an affair to be happy (I stole that from someone else on here), sad that things turned out the way that they did, especially since it was all so unnecessary.
The dam has broken and the emotions that were being held back have been released and i'm in such a better place now.
Thank you, to everyone on SI for posting. We all have such similar experiences and WW. You never know how much your post is going to resonate with another person so thank you all for sharing.
On a bright note, I just bought myself a used mercedes e300 diesel sedan today
Stay healthy my friends
Big shout out to my fellow Marble Collectors! Hope you guys are great wherever you are!
ssi speaks about 'lifting the fog', and didiknow says 'it finally hit me' - and that's what I remember...
After the 'thousand injuries of Fortunato' (Edgar Allan Poe reference)...all the incremental wounds, hits, aspersions, disrespect...it finally became clear. It was as if a great iron gate clanged closed in my head. So loud in the silence. I heard it. I knew.
That's how 'knowing' and peace came to me.
If your W is driving the Rcar - I envy that. I never had that. It's beautiful and unattainable for me.
I love it that she's delicious!
For the rest, I tire of the bullshit such strong men put up with.
The lack of remorse is like red crayon writing in blood on the wall.
I wish you all peace, and knowing.
& a Mercedes!
My main struggle has been in dealing with 'negative' emotions hence it seems reasonable that I would have had a hard time expressing the numerous 'negative' emotions of betrayal. I think this in part has affected my wifeís response. She hasnít really seen the true effects of her choices. Detachment was hard for me initially. Iíve come a long way in part to the great folks here at SI, IC sessions, and ongoing insults from my WW.
This weekend was a true test of my resolve. I had finally reached a level of detachment that felt Ďcomfortableí. I handled myself with as much dignity as I could muster, but I held back nothing. I had always felt a sense of guilt and selfishness about detachment. I feel that way no longer. It isn't punishment. It isnít about Ďplaying gamesí or attempting control. It is all about taking care of you.
My WW struggled this weekend. She was lost and miserable. As an empathetic and compassionate person, that has always been my Achillesí heal. It wasnít this weekend. I talked to her in a normal tone about meals, kids and plans for the day but nothing more. She walked around mumbling about how Ďchildishí I was acting; how our three year old was playing in what Ďused to be her roomí. She is very stubborn and prideful. I knew the marriage was on the brink and quite frankly I didnít care. The marriage as it is isnít worth much of anything.
I would have bet anything that this cycle would have continued until she called it quits and by the look of it that was coming really quickly. At the end of the day yesterday though, she came up to me and gave me the best apology she has ever offered. It was the real deal. I could feel the brokenness in her. Sheís a good actress, but this wasnít an act. She told me how sorry she was for the A, being selfish, yelling at me, and being disrespectful. She said she doesnít know how to deal with the shame because it consumes her. She said she would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to prove her love for me.
Iíd be lying if I said that I didnít like to hear those things. The beauty of detachment though is that it didnít interfere with my being able to receive the apology, but I still feel as if I have enough perspective to see it for what it is. It is a start. I have nowhere else to be. I have all of the time in the world. A moment of clarity may be all that it was from WW or it could be the start of something more. I donít know and I donít have to know. It is on her to follow through. She has kept my interest, but has not sucked me back in.
I told her that I believe that things are going to get worse before they get better. I warned her that Iíve been holding back and that there is a whole lot of pain and anger to work through. I laid out all of my expectations moving forward. She is the most broken that Iíve ever seen her. Who knows where this leads, but I do know that I have the strength to continue to move myself towards healing whether or not she choses to accompany me. I guess Iíve finally let go of the outcome. I guess I have had a chance to say my peace. I guess Iím comfortable with my own narrative. It is too bad it has taken me 18 months to get here, but at least I finally made it here.
[This message edited by thinkingclear at 8:20 AM, July 1st (Monday)]
I had always felt a sense of guilt and selfishness about detachment. I feel that way no longer. It isn't punishment. It isnít about Ďplaying gamesí or attempting control. It is all about taking care of you.
Immensely... It took me far longer than 18 months, but that's where I slowly found myself over the past year. No such remorse or awakening from W though.
It did take a long time for me to recognise that it wasn't control or punishment or just some form of getting a response from an infinitely far superior adversary at PA games and detachment.
It for me and my happiness and sanity. And she can't 'nice' me into attachment nor can she 'crazy circus sex' me into it either. Heck, if she hates it, I care no longer for the OUTcome either. Thanks BM}}} love the jedi side hug.
It sounds like it is helping you to detach. It saves the energy required to work on your own feelings.
Keep at it. Most WS, especially WW, seem to need to rock bottom before they are motivated to seek help and are in any way able to consistently show remorse. She has to be broken before she can be built back up to a new and improved model. For those of us with KISA issues it is hard not to intervene. After all that is what a H does, right. Yes a H does, but a BH should not. Let her fall to pieces, don't help the descent, but don't stop it either.
Remember when she fails apart, she did this to herself and she needs to do the heavy lifting of making amends, healing herself and showing you she is safe enough for you to be vulnerable again.
She said she would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to prove her love for me.
Based on her behavior I think she needs to prove it to herself first. Again, these are words from someone you cannot trust therefore ask her what she has done in this area. BTW threats don't count. Talk is cheap, especially from a WW that is not owning her shit.
Keep doing like you did this past weekend. It seems like that has finally gotten through to her.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
She said she would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to prove her love for me.
She is so incredibly strong, independent, stubborn and prideful and for nearly 48 hours she huffed around rolling her eyes, sighing and mumbling under her breath. She knows that I can't stand to see her struggle. She knows that I'll do just about anything to make her happy. For a long time, I thought that was my job. I thought it was my job to hold back my temper and shield her from my anger, pain disappointment or whatever else I was feeling at the time. Problem for her is I have finally released myself of the duties as her KISA.
She has wrapped herself up in a world that requires constant validation. I wasn't enough before and I won't be enough now.
I guess in a way I no longer have hope. It isn't that I don't care about the outcome. For my kids sake I do 'hope' she can fix herself. As for myself though it doesn't really matter what she chooses.
I know she has some major issues and and a very hard road in front of her. She may not be capable of doing the required work. She may slip back into her old ways. I just know that I won't slip back with her. It is a long way from where I felt we were 48 hours ago. Time will tell.
That's all kinds of fucked up mate. You know you can call me whenever you need. If you are still coming down this way, let me know. Beers on me.