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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has never seemed to care how I was feeling and proved how little she cared during her A. She also isn't the least bit receptive to criticism and I hate to tell her that I have far more criticisms than compliments thus far in our marriage. This 'dance' of sorts has always existed in our marriage, but I just didn't recognize it as such.

TC that's just it. I know we have the same WW!Everything is fine and rosy just as long as you don't bring up the A. You bring it up and the transformation is immediate. The cold shoulder. The attitude. The nastiness. You'll get blamed for ruining a good evening or whatever was going on.
It's all good when you allow the rug sweeping to proceed though. They love pretending to be the good wife now. Since they had their good time but don't ever mention it.
I got promoted today. I went from victim to martyr. Yep.
I actually went to the doctor today to get checked out. I wanted to see if she was killing me,lol.
I told my doctor what was up. He said welcome to the club. He just divorced his WW. Said she had 4 or 5 OM's and understood. His was a SAHM. But was bored or had self esteem issues. OM was a POS.
I see this more and more now. I guess men don't talk about it unless its brought up. It's more common than I thought.
SAL your comments for picking up married women was dead on. That's exactly the tactic employed by OM's. and they both dumped her immediately. By the book. We can market this if we had no integrity.

Atsen
Yep spot on its not our fault. They needed an excuse and failed to see our efforts because they didn't want to.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 5:56 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First let me start off by saying what a wonderful mood I’m in today. The past weekend was my youngest birthday, you all the know, the one that prompted the wonderful demon joke between my WW and the Poser. Took all I had just to look at her that day, thank god had family around so we didn’t have to talk all that much, otherwise the boiling anger underneath might have come out. I didn’t want that to happen on my little angel’s birthday. Her smile outweighs anything her shriveled soul of a mother could do to me.

Now working on a two day migraine….maybe it’s a tumor….probably from lack of sleep. She tried to pull the “when are you going to stop punishing me” card this weekend. Don’t think she’ll play that card again, backfired drastically. Thanks to all of you here at No MA’AM I was prepared for that one. First time she tried to use it.

FP, thanks for the repost, & WAL thanks for posting those words in the first place. All I could think of while reading it, was how much the WW needed to read that. Much more eloquent than my haphazard attempts to relay those sentiments to her in the middle of our conversations. Things can get so convoluted so quickly when dealing with someone who lives in a differently reality that the rest of us. And that exactly what I’ve come to realize, my reality is nowhere near what she considers to be reality. Who said something about punching unicorns? I need to go to her reality and punch some of those unicorns too!

who is willing to give less than their best effort to not just one primary relationship, but two or more in order to get what you want, even and especially at the expense of others.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is so spot on. I remember early on her saying that things weren’t really working between us, and she just wanted them to get better. And I asked, so why would you possibly think things were going to get better while you were devoted half your energy to someone else. Got the duhh guess I don’t know answer. During part of the PA time she had convinced me to start some MC, and during that time she was talking to the poser both before and after our sessions. Doesn’t get any more “less than your best effort” than that.

months or years of deception, lies, blameshifting, recrimination, resentment, acting out, blah, blah, blah...that's not a perfect storm

This as well. It’s one of the things I most struggle with. At first she couldn’t understand when I told that I would have rather it be a ONS than this LTA she turned it into. Not to minimalize anyone here that is dealing with a ONS scenario, I understand that the pain we feel is exactly the same, and a ONS comes with its own set of hurts and circumstances. But I had told her that I could maybe just play that off as an incredibly large mistake and let’s try to move one. Forget the PA part of my ww’s A, but knowing it was 4 years of LTA betrayal is a whole new level of hell. An LTA is a conscious decision where pro and cons have been laid out and debated inside the wayward’s mind over a period of time. The “I didn’t really think about the consequences at the time” becomes bull shit. She knew what she was sacrificing, add in the FOO issues she experienced firsthand and she knew EXACTLY. They have all the time in the world to fully ponder the negatives. At that point it is a calm and calculated decision. The result of that debate is that the positives results she would receive outweighed the damaged she was doing to both the marriage and myself as a person.

The affair was just an aberration because you weren't minding your p's and q's correctly

This is her current attitude. I think slowly this is shifting a little towards her acknowledging her own issues. Hopefully she will get there.

keeping them in a "less-than-human" category where they don't deserve to have their own thoughts and fully informed choices, but rather only the insights that you allow them to have….shouldn't have full access to the sorts of information that would allow them to make a free choice about not experiencing it any longer

She promised me a timeline almost two months ago. Still waiting. Thus our R has kind-of been at a stand-still. I’ve stopped asking questions and really discussing the A in any certain terms because I’m waiting to get a better idea of what exactly I’m dealing with here. I don’t know that consciously she is doing it to specifically keep control of me. But she is doing it to keep control of the situation in general, while we have been traversing what I called the other day “A gauntlet of emotions.” My birthday, father’s day, the anniversary of my grandfather’s passing (which has many points of contact with our A story), the youngest duaghter’s birthday, and also her birthday all in a short time span. She’s admitted that she hasn’t made time to write out the timeline because of all these things, and she doesn’t want to “ruin” them. THESE EVENTS ARE ALREADY RUINED! This weekend she stated that she hasn’t been doing it because if she does she’s afraid I will never be able to forgive. How convoluted is that, in one breath she claims that we now have a marriage with no secrets then follows it up with “I don’t want you to know the whole truth.” She still doesn’t understand the role of honesty in a real relationship.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would be a good thing if we began to see that everything that comes out of an unremorseful's mouth

is a description of themselves.

Take

she’s afraid I will never be able to forgive.

for instance.

As a defense mechanism, it's pretty dam clever. Plays on our fix it gene, as well as protecting the maiden from fear gene.

Clever or stupid, if she's fooling herself, yaknow? 'Buying into her own narrative'

but still, it arises from within herself. (as a man thinketh, so is he.)

It really means that she is unforgiving. It's so sad - angering as hell too! - but ultimately sad, to be locked in such a shallow box of orthodox.
Prisoned by self.
We all are in a way...it's just that those who seek counseling, to get 'independent evaluations' of their grip on reality & performance, get the gold climbing star - of trying to be better. Better persons.
Like, maybe, a gift to the world - instead of 'just here for a bit'.
I have a thing for just turning into yourself.
Relinquishing confusing drama.
Let the explanations, evading exacerbations, and self-told lies fall to dust at your feet. Please. Don't gnaw on them.
She has to fix herself and become a worthy (OF YOU!) partner.

Remorse. You know it when you feel it. All else is just words their lips reveal about themselves.

I feared being alone tc. This helped me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CchQgz7Fpg


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really means that she is unforgiving.

Agreed, if she only knew she's basically telling me that if I had done those things she did to me during the A, that she would never forgive me those same trespasses.

Double standard anyone.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This weekend she stated that she hasn’t been doing it because if she does she’s afraid I will never be able to forgive.
So how are you supposed to forgive things you do not know about?


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
didiknow
♂ New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wife got similar lines, while I was home babysitting our twins thinking I was doing her a big favor by letting her dance with the girls and unwind a bit. She apparently bought that b.s., because here I am. No good deed goes unpunished.

My stbxWW did the same thing.
Said she was going out for a girls night, dancing.
Found out later that she stopped and picked up POSOM.
Found out after D-Day, from her BFF, that she was making out on the dance floor that night with POSOM.
I'm guessing it's a common story unfortunately. The man is home watching the kids so wifey can go have some fun with the girls.

---"Mikey-
I'm just relieved to know I'm not the only one with a folder like that. Whew!"---

I also have a folder with a bunch of sayings from posts on SI.

[This message edited by didiknow at 12:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guessing it's a common story unfortunately. The man is home watching the kids so wifey can go have some fun with the girls.
and a guy or two....

I guess we all fell for that shit.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess we all fell for that shit.

Nah, I was at work every time trying to keep a roof over our heads. She was just under the wrong roof giving head.

ETA: Yes, it still hurts.

[This message edited by Tred at 8:58 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah, I was at work every time trying to keep a roof over our heads. She was just under the wrong roof giving head.

One of the best quotes ever.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was at work every time trying to keep a roof over our heads. She was just under the wrong roof giving head.

That ...

The man is home watching the kids so wifey can go have some fun with the girls

and that in my case.

Like a fool I figured I was being a good husband for supporting her "me" time.



Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RyeBread-
You were being a 'good husband' IMHO. Good husbands give their wives the time and space necessary to be a healthy, fully formed human being. What she chose to do with that time is all on her. I've had the same issue as well, but where it concerns POSER, because I helped him out a ton in the 7 or so years I knew him. I try not to regret it too much, because we were friends, and I helped him in good faith as a friend. The shitty choices he made with the familial proximity I allowed him is on him, not me. I'm not going to go through life not trusting my friends... I'm just way too lazy.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah, I was at work every time trying to keep a roof over our heads. She was just under the wrong roof giving head.

It took two readings of this to get the roof/head wordplay in each sentence. Well done, Tred. This is an instant classic.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, how many of you confronted OM?

For reasons related to my WW's job that I will not state in a public thread, I have refrained -- so far.

However, I feel like a need it for myself. I also feel like if I don't do it in a deliberate way, if for example I just run into him, that I will not be able to control myself.

In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I saw a man in a crowded venue that looked like him. I walked over with the intention of knocking his ass out, but when I got close realized it was not him.

On two occasions I have been by his work at "closing time," but there were far too many people there.

My intent is not to kick his ass, but to let him know he is one step away from me going nuclear.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, how many of you confronted OM?

Not me. I've never met the guy and as far as I know we've never seen each other, so he remains kind of a shadowy figure, a phantom of sorts.

I think it might be better that way. Later, you and I are in the same boat professionally. We have to keep our noses clean and our licenses safe. In my case, I'm the sole provider for 6 people, myself included. We have enough problems without getting arrested for assault, or even for disturbing the peace. Unless you have a clear idea of what you will get out of the encounter, I'd avoid a direct confrontation.

I'm convinced that I'd be in exactly the same situation even if the OM had never been born. We live in a fairly large town, so on any given weekend night there are probably a thousand predators out trying to hook up with any woman they can find, married or not. Nothing about my wife's AP suggests that he was this magical figure who could somehow make a good girl go bad where others would fail. Someone else would have exploited whatever weakness allowed her to cheat.

The problem is with our wives, not with their APs. I'd focus my energy on her, brother.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later-
I feel you. I really do. I have been there. Depending upon the day, I am still there. But he doesn't matter, in the long run. You want to scare the shit out of him, and have him looking over his shoulder for a long time. But what if gets out control? I'm going to be really graphic for a hot minute here, but just in the interest of making my point. You plan on being calm, but what about if he spouts off at the mouth? What if he says your wife begged, pleaded to suck his dick? Begged to swallow, and wanted to go back for more? Yelled at the top of her lungs that you never fucked her the way he does? Gave him a blumpkin? Wanted to go ass-to-mouth? He could be 100% lying, or he could be telling the truth and your wife has been lying. (Again, sorry for the lewdness of the post, but it's likely that he'd speak like that if he really wanted to piss you off)

There is no way to know, and I know myself well enough to know that if I confronted POSER and he started saying that stuff, I'd gouge his fucking eyes out with my thumbs. Maybe you're a stronger person than I am. Of all the POSER confrontations I've read on here, 444's is the only one that ended with the POSER literally pissing down his leg.

ETA: I just want to be clear that I'm not trying to take shots at your wife, Later. I'm just saying that the POSER is a piece of shit, and is just as likely to provoke you on purpose (and lie in doing so) as he is to turn tail and run, and you don't know which outcome it will be.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 1:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a different note, I noticed lately that instead of avoiding my triggers, I force myself to endure them. I was wondering if any of the vets around here did the same thing? It's not easy, but I basically tell myself to stop being such a pussy and to deal with the pain and discomfort head-on.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, not a seasoned vet yet, but the more I have confronted them, the less impact they have. It's not an intentional thing so much, but I no longer go out of my way to avoid them.

Confronting the OM? I wish! I do think there would be some satisfaction. Drove the 3 hours to his home. He wasn't there. Wrote him a nice note that I taped to his door. I know for a fact he thought I would never find him. Haven't heard a peep since.

In all reality though, most of my anger is focused on FWW. That is gradually dissipating as she continues to act with remorse and integrity. After all, she went to him. He didn't hold a gun to her head. She chose to do this to our marriage. He just wanted to get his shaft straightened and balls cleaned.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate what you guys are saying, I really do.

However, this gnaws at me as much as any trigger.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I certainly understand the desire to confront POSOM.

I know myself well enough to know that it wouldn't end well. Like FP already stated it is likely he will be just as confrontational right back at us. He has already offered us the ultimate disrespect. I know if he started spewing crap I would lose it and unfortunately I don't think it would take much. Now if he had the audacity to seek me out, I wouldn't hesitate to stand my ground, but trying to find him gives him more credit than what he is due.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I made a change today. Took a little control. After all of the great posts here and in wayward, I am realizing how fucked up my wife is. More importantly, I realized that there is no point in us trying to R until she gets some serious work done trying to learn her "why's and how's".

She is not rug sweeping and sort of taking responsibility, but there is much work to do. So today I emailed her and our MC and bowed out. Sometimes my fWW will see our MC for IC, so I encouraged them to meet to work on her issues, but I stated I am not willing to work anymore on US, until she has made progress on her. I will keep seeing my IC as well.

It just feels like we have been trying to put the cart in front of the horse. I feel like I am finally making a statement that the marriage isn't the problem - you are!


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

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