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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was nice getting away for a few days and as usual it is nice getting back in the regular routine again today. A lot happened while I was gone.

Welcome PouringRain. Listen to the advice you’re getting. These guys won’t steer you wrong. So sorry you’re here.

B444 – How’s it going? Are you meeting up with your attorney this week?

Tred – Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. You’re comment hit so close to home for me and it is where my head has been all week.

Did I mention how much I hate infidelity? I'm so tired of seeing what it does to families. I'll never understand how someone can do this to another person, that they are supposed to love.

As I mentioned before, my WW was so happy this last week because our MC told her that he thought she had good “self-awareness”. She took that to mean that she didn’t need anymore IC sessions. She was almost giddy. She was playful, happy, affectionate, loving and even a little humble during our vacation. She thanked me on our return flight. If she just wouldn’t have betrayed me for 10 months of our marriage, I think I could just be happy. Alas, that isn’t in the cards. We have a MC session tomorrow and personally I don’t think the MC meant exactly what WW heard. He did recommend a child psychologist to meet with her because she has ‘attachment issues’ with our 3 year old. (all of her kids actually). I think that is a good place to focus because understanding what FOO issues led her to make selfish decisions will do everyone some good.

She was reading a book all week and she brought up an interesting point. She told me she was ‘mad’ at the main character because she had suffered a bad childhood and found herself treating her kids in the exact same manner. She said “Why can’t people realize the pain they are causing someone they love if they lived through it themselves?” WTF. Seriously?!? That is good ‘self-awareness’? Keep in mind that my MIL had an affair when my WW was a teen. Mom was shipped away for a month as FIL decided what to do. WW had discussions with FIL on the matter. She lived through the pain and suffering her dad endured. She herself was a BS in her first marriage as her first husband cheated on her three times before she called it quits. So she has been surrounded by the pure hell of adultery her whole adult life and she can ask “Why would someone do that?” It isn’t the first time she has said such a stupid thing. She has told be before “If I had known how much pain my A would cause, I never would have made those choices.” Boggles my mind.

It goes directly to what Tred was stating. The effects of infidelity last forever and color the thinking of everyone involved, especially the children. She believes she is doing ‘a good job’ right now in our marriage because she is ‘being loving’. That is what she was taught to do: suppress your feelings, do your best and solider on. There are some good qualities I suspect in part of that logic, but it falls short on diving into the reasons behind our bad decisions. She needs the child psychologist, IC and MC sessions to even have a chance at understanding how poorly her relationships have been. Only with this insight is it even possible to try to stop our kids from making the same mistakes by showing them the right way to do things. I’m not sure she is capable. She wants no part of taking responsibility for her actions. She doesn’t want to even think about looking at her poor choices. Besides, that is what her parents did. I get frustrated because I once was ignorant and willing to live with my head in the sand, but now that my eyes are wide open I just cannot accept anything less than an epiphany from my WW. She isn’t even close to finding the right path in life.

I’ve been complacent and willing to ‘suck it up’ myself for way too long. I’m doing my best to prepare for tomorrow’s MC session because I want her to know how much work it is going to be to ‘win me back’. It will be met with fierce opposition and I know it will be ‘all my fault’ for not being content with what she has to offer. She will respond with the old “I'll never be good enough for you” speech. I know it is coming. I see it a mile away. I only wish she could become mad at herself for repeating what she was subjected to herself.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 12:21 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“If I had known how much pain my A would cause, I never would have made those choices.”

That's one phrase I never want to hear ever again, I'll freaking lose it. It's complete and utter bullshit in my case - my wife knew it would destroy me. She knew my history, what had happened to me as a child because of my mom's infidelity. She just didn't want to believe that it would destroy me so she could fuck another guy. We even had a talk about betrayal before she cheated on me, and I made her promise to divorce me before ever cheating on me because I couldn't handle it. She kept that promise just like our marriage vows. Meant nothing to her. My wife stopped going to IC, sleeps just fine, only problem in her world is her husband is a basket case with nightmares and PTSD being treated by a trauma specialist.

Sorry, I hate that phrase. Back to our regularly scheduled programming. Someone tell a dick joke.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3294 | Registered: Dec 2011
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife stopped going to IC, sleeps just fine, only problem in her world is her husband is a basket case with nightmares and PTSD being treated by a trauma specialist.

Exactly. One night during our vacation after I had a couple rum-inspired concoctions at dinner my WW asked me why I was still going to IC sessions myself. She was feeling smug and excited that she was "normal". I told her that I kept going because my psychiatrist recommended that I continue (i.e. I still have work to do and it is nice having independent appraisal of my cognitive functions so that I can continue to practice without people questioning my abilities). She told me that she didn't believe it. She thinks I go because 'I want to go'. She feels that I 'want' to have anger and pain caused by her A and that I've been willing to put up with it all. In her mind, I should just be over it and I like playing the victim.

Pissed me off. Luckily the rum helped. It is just amazing how indifferent they can be to the pain they cause.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 12:35 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the difference between a dick and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus.

Feel better everyone?


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Tred, late to the party. I am so sorry.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderboy to the rescue. Well done, sir.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She believes she is doing ‘a good job’ right now in our marriage because she is ‘being loving’. That is what she was taught to do: suppress your feelings, do your best and solider on. There are some good qualities I suspect in part of that logic, but it falls short on diving into the reasons behind our bad decisions.

This is a topic I've been thinking about recently. The flip side of the "shitty coping mechanisms" coin. Poor coping mechanisms are like the appendix in human evolution; at one point they probably served a really useful function, but as it stands right now, they stand to either be useless or cause more harm than good....if/when they flare up. My wife was the oldest of 7, and her mom had her at 17, followed by a new kid every 1 1/2 years or so, yet still decided to be a normal 20-something and live it up, so responsibilities for all those kids fell on my wife. Plus, she was molested at age 4. In her childhood environment, she HAD to put everyone else's feelings and needs before her own, and never had a chance to feel the emotional pain of the sexual abuse. The result of this? My wife, in general, is super thoughtful. She is one of those people who always knows the perfect gift for everyone. She gets me gifts and does nice things for me that I wouldn't have thought of for myself ever. Example: I used to have a signature on SI that was a Machiavelli metaphor/quote about a Lion and a Fox. For father's day she got me a new journal with a fox and a lion stamped on the cover, as well as some new cologne she just KNEW would smell good on me (NOT Curve ) But the negative side of this is that she constantly puts others needs first, and harbors resentment for doing so in the process. I mean, we used to have arguments about it: she would get upset that she felt like she never had time to herself, and I would tell her to just schedule some time for herself, or with her friends, and I'd be happy to work around it, because I felt like it was healthy for her...but I wasn't going to NOT make any plans for myself, because I am going to enjoy my life, point blank. I've been that guy in relationships where I put everything on hold for my SO; and I was miserable and resentful. You combine my wife's buried resentment and anger with her drinking, and you get a recipe for acting out, like an A, or previous to that, just acting like a toddler emotionally.

My wife always felt like she was a great wife because she cleaned, etc.....but I don't care about those things, I really don't. And I told her that. I don't want to live in squalor, but if you feel like you need to take a couple hours or a day in order to keep your mental sanity, I'd much prefer that. She showed her mom that she was worthy of being loved by taking care of her house for her, and then transferred that on to me....but I don't want/need to be taken care of. In fact, I know myself well enough to know that we'd probably both be happier if she left some work for my lazy ass to have to get up and do.

One of the things that most attracted me to my wife initally was that she had so much confidence (it seemed) and was so independent. I was like, "Wow, this is someone who can be a PARTNER in life. Someone who was sure of both their abilities and who they were. Someone who wasn't emotionally needy."

Good stuff as always, guys. Played a slow-pitch tournament today for work....6 AB: 2 1B, 1 3B, and 1 BB. Booted one while playing LF, though.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, you took a walk in slow pitch? Dude...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3294 | Registered: Dec 2011
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP

I was in your neck of the woods yesterday. Flew into O'Hare and had a short flight home. On our approach at home at about 1000 feet they pulled up because of severe weather on the runway. They didn't have enough fuel to circle until weather cleared so they took us back to O'Hare. Flight was finally cancelled 2 hours later when the same storm came through Chicago. We had to rent a car and drive the three hours home.

I like Chicago, but hate O'Hare.

BTW - I never got a chance to try out Curve while on vacation. They lost our bags and they didn't come until the night before we left.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 2:31 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, you took a walk in slow pitch? Dude...

Tred, dude goes 4 for 5 and you're complaining?

I focused on the triple. Can't imagine any place in a softball park I could hit to and make three bags without getting thrown out by about 5 steps. Assuming I make it to second without tearing a hamstring. Damn, aging sucks.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, I played for a few years in a slow pitch league (mixed competition). Men had to have a beer with them in the field or it cost you a run, couldn't catch a woman out in the infield, if the batter knocked your beer over they were out, and if you walked, you had to bring a case of beer next game. Each team had to provide umpires for the games - when you umped it was the responsibility of the home team to provide you beer. Now that was softball!


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3294 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, you took a walk in slow pitch? Dude...

I'd normally agree with the man card revocation in this situation, however, it's a weird situation. I work for a chain restaurant, and we have a one day tournament with about 60 teams...mixed gender. Not to be sexist, but most of the girls on the teams can't hit, and are there to fill out the roster. So, to avoid 'pitching around' the guys in order to get to the girls (the easier out, in theory), they've instituted a rule where if the guy is walked, and there is a girl behind him in the lineup, the girl walks as well. So I will sacrifice my dignity if it means bringing in two runs for my squad, son.
ETA: It was a bases loaded walk with no outs.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 3:02 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, in that scenario I can see a walk is justified. Barely. And only if the girl behind you can't hit. I used to have my wife bat behind me - she played on the state fast pitch team and could crush the ball. It took a while for the other teams to catch on to that .


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3294 | Registered: Dec 2011
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I focused on the triple. Can't imagine any place in a softball park I could hit to and make three bags without getting thrown out by about 5 steps. Assuming I make it to second without tearing a hamstring. Damn, aging sucks.
Funny, last time I played softball I took one swing and a few seconds later I was standing on third with a dislocated shoulder (yes, just from swinging the bat). I can still run like the wind, but my shoulders are falling apart.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, in that scenario I can see a walk is justified. Barely.
I used to agree, but after like 5 years of getting slaughtered because other teams didn't share my values, I gave up. There are no moral victories in slow pitch.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, in that scenario I can see a walk is justified. Barely.
I used to agree, but after like 5 years of getting slaughtered because other teams didn't share my values, I gave up. There are no moral victories in slow pitch.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some good stuff on here as usual guys, I've not been on here in a week or so.

Tred, sorry for your loss.

I had a really good week last week minus all the rain. Cost me a nice golf trip out to the mountains, and I was supposed to play ball this weekend but unfortnatly the entire campground we supposed to play at was under mandatory evacuations due to all the flooding here (the whole province is a mess many towns destroyed, plus a major city's downtown was under water) anyways I had bought a new bat and was just itching to hit some dingers with it (jak'd claymore).

But yeah the wife and I had some really deep and honest conversations last weekend and they have just been getting better and better. I haven't felt the connection in a quite a while and let me tell you, it feels really good.

It's my oldest's birthday today, I got a brand new bike set up in the garage so when the door opens she will see it.

Anyways I hope you guys all have a great week, remember enjoy the goo times when they come. We don't have much to hold on to so squeeze the shit out of all the good you can!
Heads high brothers!


Eta: FP no shame in walking, playing smart win you games, playing hard gets you hurt.
Guess you could apply that to all our situations... Play smart, not hard

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 5:19 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dislocated shoulder

That's a bitch! my last time playing slow pitch, hit a solid liner over the 2nd base bag. Wished I could say it was more than a single, because standing on first realized I broke a bone in my hand. Still have the bone chip lump on top of my hand to prove it, hurt like hell.
Getting old blows!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
PouringRain
♂ New Member
Member # 39177
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get frustrated because I once was ignorant and willing to live with my head in the sand, but now that my eyes are wide open I just cannot accept anything less than an epiphany from my WW. She isn’t even close to finding the right path in life.

TC - I'm right here with you.

Thanks to all for input, will heed.

MC today, and she still won't do no contact emails to these guys, and she has the nerve to say she doesnt understand my anger and wants to talk about the dynamics that "made room in our relationship for the affair". Huh? Oh, you mean you want to talk about how terrible I am and blame me for all your bad feelings? I don't think so. I gave this woman so much room, let her take out her stress and her roller coaster emotions out on me and the kids, and all I asked was that she not lie or cheat. I asked way too much. I can't play this game anymore.

But, I had a huge break through today. I am feeling so much better. Its my night with the kids, and I'm at our shared house, and it is trashed. She is trying to leave for the beach tomorrow w the kids, and the kids tell me "mom is so stressed out" (she would get super stressed and irritable and mean before every single trip, even though I did almost all the packing and prep). So I'm looking around getting grumpy myself, but then it hit me "this is not my problem." Holy crap. Trashed house? Not my problem! Stressed and angry WS? Not my GD problem! Fucked up mind that is always looking to blame someone else? No longer my fucking problem! I'm free! No matter what happens, I never have to take more than my share of responsibility again. Damn. About damn time I found my self respect.


M 15 yrs
2 girls, 10 & 12
Dday April 28, 2013
July 2012 to April 28, 2013: 1 Major EA/PA,1 minor PA/EA, 2 ONSs, 1 on-going sexting w/ ex boyfriend

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She thinks I go because 'I want to go'. She feels that I 'want' to have anger and pain caused by her A and that I've been willing to put up with it all. In her mind, I should just be over it and I like playing the victim.

Hey TC welcome back brother! Yeah. I've been accused of playing the victim card several times. Like I'm having a field day doing it. Sorry if some POS shot a load in your mouth and I didn't celebrate with you. Lawyer is on vacation. I was ready to pull the trigger and he was gone.

as well as some new cologne she just KNEW would smell good on me (NOT Curve

FP
She may be a wayward but she's not that crazy.
Some hottie would have taken you away from her by now if she bought you that. Proof that she still wants you!

Ill post more later. Just getting back from the beach.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
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