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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, BM 10 was amazing yet so quick. Now if I can get the quickie reference out of my head maybe could say something meaningful or funny ... But I can't

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Rummages through box* "Well, I found a bottle of cologne, some gun oil, autographed copies of 'The Prince' AND 'The Bible', Season two of The Simpsons, a dirty towel that smells like bleach, and a bucket of truth. No clock, though. Also, I don't know what you guys are planning, but leave me out."


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next time, I'm quoting you, should be an insightful response

I was most definitely in your shoes through the 8th month. It actually came out very sarcastic and bitter. What happened was an eye opener. Her reply of "I honestly don't know" gave me an opening for suggestions that she actually seemed to accept. She didn't feel that *I* was force feeding her the answers, rather guiding her to them.

I learned a lot from that simple question.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright, can't resist. My preference has always been quick and fast BM's. Hate the long straining ones.

Quit it and don't go there!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred, I was stirred from my slumber by your tag line. First color I thought of was purple, don't know why but its what popped in my head, however I still had to google it, and this is what I found, from wikianswers:


"Drop That Smurf! This question assumes that a smurf requires oxygen to survive, which is a valid assumption considering smurfs fear drowning as much as any normal air-breathing creature does.
Furthermore, if smurfs require oxygen, then they must have some kind oxygen-transport molecule in their bloodstream. In vertebrates, this molecule is heme with an iron atom at its center and is what gives blood its red color. Since smurfs appear to be vertebrates, we can assume they also have heme in their blood. Now when a naked-skinned vertebrate is choked, namely humans, their faces turn red because surface capillaries in the skin dilate and blood rushes in. Assuming the same thing happens to smurfs, their faces would turn purple. Believe it or not, this was answered on an episode of the Smurfs, in which one of them threatened to hold his breath until he turned red. But instead he turned a dark purple.They are peaceful creatures, for one you should not choke them.Choking smurfs is illegal.Let's pretend that smurfs are little blue human beings. Human beings turn red at first when you choke them. Red+Blue = Purple.I happen to know from experience, that if you choke a smurf (which you can do), they turn invisible. Its actually a very simple concept if you are intelligent enough to understand it, which, unfortunately, none of you are.I once choked a smurf, but seeing as they don't have any lungs it didn't do anything.I'm sure if you choke a Smurf they would turn white. It Chokes the blue right out of em.Logically, I would say red, but I think it would be sweet if they turned green or orange or something really bright."

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 11:44 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

C'mon StillKicking, you can't believe everything you read on the Internet...trust me.

Speaking of tag lines gents, I'm running a contest for a new tag line for StillLovingHer down in F&G with only modest (read could be funnier) results. A little help for our brother?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh lawdy,
stillkicking is never gonna stfu!!!


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was miserable the whole time. It was too hard for her to listen for an entire day because it, in her words, "painted the betrayer as a bad guy."

Defiled, my mouth dropped open when I read this. Stunning, but it explains the mindset of a wayward. Somehow, they were justified in committing the ultimate marital crime. Someone else (you) must be the "bad guy", right?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Mikey56
♂ Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen,

What is the BM thread if not "a bucket of truth?" Thank you FP.

Rock on Brothers....


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question is whether you're still being the fool if you've been through that process of steering and the WS has already been trying to pull the wool over your eyes and demonstrating token compliance... When do you decide you get to make that call to distinguish between compliance and participation, remember, we're pretty whacked initially ourselves, and then, when do you let your WS know that their compliance or pretend R is bullshit (or do you let them know at all)???

Well, that's the thing I guess. Doesn't matter who is driving if the one behind the wheel is taking directions from the passenger.

I'm not sure if there is a way to differentiate compliance from authentic participation in the moment - and that's why I think early on you should steer your course. Lay out your boundaries and don't let her change your direction. Tell her you need drive to MC at least once a week, and she needs to see a doctor. She can ramp up her acting skills and fake it, but that's really the best anyone can ever do - be honest about their own shit and what they need and want.

If she doesn't want to do that work you can't make her. Going with the driving thing still, you can drive her to MC but you can't make her go in. You CAN leave her ass at the curb instead of compromising and just driving on with her giving directions from the passenger seat.

Don't feel like a fool for being authentic. Being authentic is fucking hard.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7110 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy cow!
11?!
My WW explained it eloquently in a text I posted in BM 10
" I liked OM a lot, I didn't like you"
Ok then... Carry on

I'm triggering a bit this weekend
Father's Day weekend 2012 had a blow out with my WW when I discovered a secret CC bill. She left us for a week and spent the night at a hotel. Doing god knows what. Discovered she was hooked on pain meds and told some people I was an asshole to put it gently. I asked her when she returned if she had an affair. Her response
"GOD NO!!"
Nice


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We celebrated Father's Day yesterday, since I work from 11-11 on Sunday. Pretty solid. My 5 S's: Skirt Steak, Son, Scotch, and Skyrim, in that order. Solid.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone else (you) must be the "bad guy", right?

Yes, us the betrayed. If we weren't so negligent they wouldn't have to find support for their insecurities elsewhere.

Her reaction to the conference really was a strange experience. From a therapy standpoint I think she was expecting for two things to be addressed. 1) how to get a BS to come to terms with the A, and how to direct clients in the healing process. And 2) What went wrong in the marriage to cause the A, and how to fix those marital issues to prevent it from happening again.
She didn't get anything close to that. Instead the presenter opened with something along these lines. First off let us get one thing out of the way. Nothing and I mean nothing in the marriage caused the A. The A was caused by a character flaw in the betrayer. Blaming the A on problems in the marriage is a non-starter.

Ouch, right of bat she knew she was in trouble. I don’t want to bore you with everything that was covered, I mean it was a long day of session after session. But from a therapy stand point she really was expecting fixing the marriage to be part of it. She was told that all those perceived problems in the marriage are now basically mute. The A made the marriage and those vows it was based on null and void. The betrayer has very little room to demand anything of the marriage. The only step if the betrayed is willing is to start a completely new marriage and somehow find a way to recreate trust, love, and respect. That is a daunting proposition for anyone. Especially when you still has kids to care for, jobs to work, and bills to pay. It’s not like high school, or college, or even the A for that matter, where you can dedicate all your time together on the relationship.

Not sure if everyone here agrees with that take, starting from scratch I mean. But I realized early on that was something I would probably need. My WW would have to make me be IN love with her again. Expecting me to STILL be in love and for that to carry us through just wouldn’t cut it.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really I leave to get some work done for like 24 hours and we are already on BM 11 ?

MC Jack _ I had period of this too. Mine was more like . . checking her out and then wondering if she would have been faithful or not. Ultimately it would lead me back to a trigger or despair about the choices I made in my life.

It was a bad time for me, but I got better by realizing that my W made some bad choices for the wrong reasons. I made choices for the right reasons and continue to do so. That is all I can control inside or outside a relationship. My choices. It can take some time to get there, but it makes it easier for me most days.

Now I just think . . .Wow, no matter how good she looks I bet there is a husband at home who is tired of listening to her."

FP- Nice Fathers day combo. Mind if I borrow ?


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Discovered she was hooked on pain meds and told some people I was an asshole to put it gently.

Betrayed444,

Does your WW have her drug issues under control or is she getting help?

My STBXWW was abusing the hell out of xanax, hydrocodone, valium, morphine, and methadone during the last few months of her A. She had used them periodically throughout our marriage but towards the end it was scary at times. Ironically if it wasn't for her drug use I don't know that I would have found out about her A. We were working through her addiction issues (which had already drained me emotionally towards her) and she drops the A on me.

She not only blames me for the A but she tried to pin the drugs on me too. According to her if only I showed that I cared more she would not have needed to abuse the meds and had an affair. She would have been a healthy functioning adult right? NOT!!

I can work with the addiction stuff but the A and blaming on top of it all was just too much. It showed me how into herself my STBXWW really is.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm triggering a bit this weekend


Me too, brother.

I need to go do something, exciting.

Maybe skydiving -- but I don't trust the local place.

True story -- a few years ago I went along with a couple of buddies who were doing newbie tandem jumps. I did not jump (pragmatic family man, you know).

Anyway, while they were training I was watching one of the employees pack some chutes. He said his regular job was construction, but he was currently suspended -- for safety violations.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if there is a way to differentiate compliance from authentic participation in the moment
I think the only way to differentiate this is if the WS is driving. If they are leading R there is very little chance they are acting from compliance, and if they are not driving then there is a high likelihood that whatever changes they make are not internally driven and therefore unlikely to stick. Oh sure, the BS needs to be there in the passenger seat telling the WS where they would like to go, but it is up to the WS to get there. The BS can then watch the route the WS is taking and can determine if this is the ride they want to be on or if they should set off on their own.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm triggering a bit this weekend

Me too, brother.

I'm with you B444, Later. I might have hit the anger stage. Can't hardly stand to look at my wife, and my blood has been boiling for a few days now. If it wasn't FD Weekend coming up, I'd probably get out of town for the weekend. I couldn't do that to my kids, who right now are the only reason I'm not divorcing her lying, cheating ass.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if everyone here agrees with that take, starting from scratch I mean. But I realized early on that was something I would probably need. My WW would have to make me be IN love with her again. Expecting me to STILL be in love and for that to carry us through just wouldn’t cut it
.

I agree with this. It's tough when you have 15 years of history. But for me, I had to start over, cause she blew the shit out of our old marriage.
But for me, it wasn't about my wife making me fall in love with her again. It was proving to me that she was worth being in love with.

I still loved her. But even with that love, I was ready to divorce her cheating ass. She had to show me that my love for her was in my best interest.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you B444, Later. I might have hit the anger stage. Can't hardly stand to look at my wife, and my blood has been boiling for a few days now. If it wasn't FD Weekend coming up, I'd probably get out of town for the weekend. I couldn't do that to my kids,

Eaxctly what I have been thinking all day.

I have heard of women getting on the same "cycle"...maybe that is happening to us.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
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