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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't fucking say. You know what else I'm good at? Finding shit out.
Hahaha.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Mikey56
♂ Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't fucking say. You know what else I'm good at? Finding shit out.

^^^Me too. What a different world this is after finding out about cheating.

Screw me once...shame on you.

Screw me twice...shame on me.

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.


Peace Brothers...

[This message edited by Mikey56 at 9:46 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the way things have been moving along here in NO MA'AM land this silence feels a little odd. Everybody just trying to take a deep breath?

Little exhausted from facing the wife on Fathers Day for my part.

Guess I'll get back to my job.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we burned so fast through part 10 that we might be taking a breather now :)

I know there is a lot to digest and to internalise from the lessons of the past few weeks.

Strength and peace to you all.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO MA'AM land

It can be restful in here, after a day slogging through the estrogen jungle...

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we have it all figured out. Nothing left to say but, "job well done."

One thing I will add, today it occurs to me that I get so caught up in disbelief over that fact that she is not doing what it takes, I forget to focus on the question of, "do I even want reconciliation?"

The truth is, I am not at the point where I can say I want to be married to a woman who did this to me.

I suppose that is why I have had general discussions, but I have not set concrete boundaries. It feels like negotiating a contract that I am not sure I want to be a party to.

The thing is, I know some men who have opted to stay and consider their reconciliation to be successful. And yet, their wounds seem to be as fresh as Dday. They still periodically snoop. They still have questions.

Sorry to be a downer, it's just where I find myself. I never was overly jealous. I have never been insecure.

Three yeas from now, when someone asks me to go away on fishing trip, I don't want one of the considerations to be -- "ah shit, the kids are all busy. The wife is going to be alone -- is she going to have to go seek validation from another man."


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I'll start
So last Saturday I go to a Bavarian festival. It was a veterans soirée. I believe I posted that I bought a new Polo outfit and was looking good. Met up with friends. One friend had a girlfriend. We had a good time. Pictures were taken. In one pic I was with my bros girl and her friend.
Last night my WW sees the pic and its down hill from there.
I'm lying in bed and she starts in with me. I know you don't love me. Go see your girlfriend. I know you have a girl friend. She's like a fucking crow.
I'm telling her that I'm still with her and I am still married. And throw in that I have boundaries and I don't have to fuck people for validation.
One thing leads to another.
She starts getting hot.
I engage and say I didn't fuck two losers all night. She says that's right She did.she said" I even gave OM1 a blow job in his car in the parking lot of where they worked. He gave me money.
So I respond that it makes her a whore, a cheap whore and a prostitute. She said he was a good kisser. She liked him and hated me. I'm like well isn't that special. Your a cheap slut. You really think he liked you? Respected you? He couldn't wait to leave fast enough. She said he was getting too attached. I'm like really? That's why he's never been heard from again.
She added she has 4 boyfriends right now but quickly recanted that claim.
I told her I didn't love her. I despised her. She disgusted me and added that she was nasty. I had absolutely no feelings for her. I said this is it. I'm filing for divorce. Find a job and move out ASAP. I've only let you stick around as a courtesy. We're done.
That's when she attacked me. She jumped me. Punching, kicking, biting, and scratching. She applied knee strikes to my thigh. She went absolutely ape shit. This was at 2:00 am. I went and woke up her dad. She said she would hurt herself and locked herself in the bathroom.once inside she started to repeatedly smack herself on her head. I advised her dad of what transpired. He said her claims weren't true. He acted incredulous. I said really? Talk to her about it.i said it was a fact. She came out of the bathroom and they went downstairs.I locked the door and went to sleep.
It was a freak show.
Today I'm on my bed with my son playing on his iPad. She comes in and says that she loves me very much and tried to touch me. I'm like don't.
On the way out the door for work her dad asked me for gas money for errands tomorrow. No problem.
I want to make it clear that I didn't lay a hand on her. I never had. She has a history of getting physical. Actually my thigh is pretty sore today.
I believe it's over guys. I can't let this slide. I'm going to have to make that call and commit myself financially. I see no way to overlook this. She's sick and the acts she performed and the way she presented it are uncalled for.
I know those pics incited her but they were nothing but manifestations of her own guilt. And it was also a way for her to blame shift. She said she is waiting for a revenge fuck and I said that wasn't going to happen while we were still married. I still have honor and integrity.
I couldn't take any more action. It's tricky. What she did violated her protective order. She'd be locked up. If she was it would also be a violation of her probation. More time. In addition CPS is easing up and she only has 2 more domestic violence sessions. That helped eh?
The monster showed up last night. All this talk we've had over the last couple of days over how do we know if their love is real and last night she was spewing hatred. She loved telling me about the blow job and his kissing. She laughed.
Then today it's " I love you"
Those pics scared her. I was smiling, happy, and surrounded by girls. It was almost like a JJ pic.
She was like good luck finding day care for the kids. I was like don't worry I've had arrangements for months.
This post is all over the place but she's whacked out.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 4:03 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444,

This shit only gets worse and worse. Trust me. My STBXWW attacked me 6yrs ago on multiple occasions. I physically overpowered her and put her into a submission hold till she calmed down but it's the most humiliating and destructive type of behavior anyone can do to another person regardless of who is "stronger". Do not accept this type of behavior.

Your WW physically assaulted you. That alone is grounds for a D, not to mention grounds for a lot of other legal things. You need to protect yourself brother. Your WW is dangerous. She has no regard for you or your kids by pulling shit like that. What is your exit strategy? You need to get this toxic woman out of your life.

ETA - I wish I had left when that happened to me. It took a toll on my self respect and still does. No I have an A to add to that and I hate to see you in a similar predicament.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 4:00 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444

She is acting "crazy". She is trying to be hurtful and is downright just mean.

Stay safe. As I'm sure you're already doing, protect your kids.

Strength.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed.

Dude. It's time. It's not safe for the kids or for you. It's time. No more 180, no more trying to figure it out with her. Make the call.

Sorry you are going through this shit.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know.
Not to give too much info but she had bought Polo underwear on behalf of the kids as a Father's Day gift. She was so angry, jealous, and upset that she tried to tear them off of me.
She's not that powerful but your right, it's domestic violence, and that is a deal breaker. Male or female it is totally unsat.
She was right about one thing. Child care is going to be a bitch financially.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 4:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, 444 -- I am going to put on my "poker hat." If you play poker, you know a big part of it is about playing the odds. If the "pot odds" justify making a call then you make the call -- even though you may lose. If it's mathematically the right play, the fact that you lose does not matter.

I say all of that to say -- I could be wrong in my advice. However, if there were 100 guys in your situation I am confident my advice would be correct more often than not.

You need to end this now. Detach form your emotions completely and think logically. No more sex with her.

If this keeps up, she is going to drag you down and ruin you in every possible way -- including your career.

I can guarantee you she is already thinking about turning the tables on you. This is only going to escalate. She will either: get you so pissed off you knock the hell out her, attack you with a weapon, of make a false claim against you.

And you need to start recording your conversations/encounters.

I don't see any other outcome.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444

I went through that crap too...

First time she came at me fast and hard and all I did was protect myself.. Next time, she pulled a pistol and stole my dog... Next time she shoved me and messed up my knee...

Once they go physically bat shit crazy on you they snap and it's easier to do it in the future...

It's a no win sitch and will get more dangerous...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later
Thanks. I know your right. Of course she wants to level the field right now. She's way to volotile. It's got to end. This is out of control now. From remorseless to vindicative to dangerous.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Revenge  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome -- we are all here for you brother. Just remember -- you're the knight in battered armor. You're the guy who turns couch potatoes into soldiers. Stay strong.

Oh, and I forgive you for one upping me on my "let's get this thread started again" post.

[This message edited by Later at 4:19 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I forgive you for one upping me on my "let's get this thread started again" post.

Lol. Not exactly what I was going for today


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, I'm sorry you are going through this. Other than being thin-skinned at times and lashing back at me when I'm going through an anger cycle, my WW is busting her ass showing remorse and fighting to save our marriage. She shows me that she loves me every day. And it's STILL hard as hell because of what she did.

I can't imagine having a wife that is physically abusive and intentionally tries to hurt you emotionally like that.

Don't know what to tell you, but if you pull the plug I don't think anyone would blame you or be able to accuse you of not putting up the good fight.

One alternative to you calling it quits now might be to insist, as a condition of R, that she receive mental health treatment. I don't mean standard IC, but with a shrink who's a licensed medical doctor. You deserve better, but maybe your kids deserve you giving it one more shot. She sounds so unbalanced that she might be just talking out of her ass when she says hurtful things to you like that.

That's just an idea, like I said no one could blame you if you decide that enough is enough already. But you strike me as someone like me - too damn stubborn to give up on a lifetime commitment without exhausting all the options. Regardless, I wish you peace of mind and healing, brother.

ETA: Just read DR's post, and I agree that you should protect yourself and the kids first. Remove her from the home if she's that unstable. Then (if you're so inclined) you can start setting unconditional terms for R. Like mental health treatment.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:54 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't take any more action. It's tricky. What she did violated her protective order. She's be locked up. If she was it would also be a violation of her probation. More time. In addition CPS is easing up and she only has 2 more domestic violence sessions.

I know all of our situations are a lot more complicated than can be expressed here on this thread. I sure you have perfectly good reasons for not calling in the police to make all of that happen. But I'm left wondering a little why not? She's clearly irrational, and you never know what someone is capable of when they are that out of control. I know your not intimidated by her, but you need to make yourself safe, for both you and your children. Imagine leaving them in the custody of someone that unstable. She needs to be removed so that she can't inflict anymore harm to you, to your kids, and to herself. All those things she's got stacked against haven't made a difference. I'm assuming because of the kids you will always have to deal with her one way or another. She needs long-term professional help and some good meds or you will never feel safe, if that's possible anyway. The very least it would make sure you get all visitation with her and your kids to be supervised. I wouldn't trust my kids alone with someone who can fly off the handle like that.
She's going to be looking for any way she can to paint you in a bad light if she thinks its over for sure. Maybe this gives her a little more credit than is do, but do you think she was trying to bait you into physically doing something? Another reason to get her the hell out of the house.

I apologize if I offend with the advise. Things will not get better until she gets the help she obviously needs. You still being married or not doesn't even change the equation, she needs to get healthy before anything can move forward. Just want to make sure your watching yourself!

ETA -> that last paragraph, didn't sound right the first time around

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 4:58 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444
Sorry you're going through this and sorry my post earlier was so short.

You have demonstrated true valor and comittment over the last several months. I'm sure any commanding officer would be proud to have you on his team.. You have done everything you could for her and have stood by this women when no one else would. Your honor is intact. You can stand proud.

I'm sure you know exactly where you find yourself at this point. None of else ever thought we would have to make the call you are about to make. You have received great advice from a great group of guys that know exactly what they are talking about. At the very least, you should physically detach from her. Don't put yourself into a situation for things to get worse. She is acting like a caged animal and from her perspective she really doesn't have a whole lot else to loose if she continues to escalate things. I think she is desperate and trying to invoke you. I wouldn't trust my kids around her acting like that so the daycare expenses are a mute point right now. She needs help before she is going to of value to you or the kids.

For the time being, I wouldn't even think about R. Talk to an attorney and protect yourself and the kids. Not sure that filing a report with the police isn't a reasonable consideration as well. Sooner the better before something else happens because you know she's going to want to 'make up' and pretend this didn't happen. Stay strong and stay away from her.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 5:18 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ouch b444, what they all said ^^^^

I kept thinking about your kids and you finding some way to document this shit. if her dad is in denial (if i read correctly), is it any point keeping him around so that he may go into cahoots with her to demonise you? (blood thicker than water etc...)

sorry to see you go through this. that was some nasty stuff she said. I would consider child care a minor sacrifice in comparison to this...

have a friend move in or find a way to separate your bedrooms. not so much for threat of physical assault (I know you could hold your own) but just to minimize all interaction and have a 3rd party witness just in case. her dad is probably not going to be impartial.

sending you strength and peace.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
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