Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: PhoenixWife (43212)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy late fathers day to everyone.
But, holy shit was that rough! First fathers day knowing the truth. Sure changes the way I view the past 4 years worth. It's like, hey happy fathers day, then in her mind she's really thinking but your only a good enough father to be around your kids 50% of the time. Your great with the kids, they love you, but I'm going to have to downgrade you from fulltime to part-time dad. How are we supposed to reconcile that?

And on that note, heres my go at it;

Price of tickets, popcorn, and junior mints; then walking out of a movie 15 mins in because Hollywood seems incapable of having a storyline without a cheating wife....$40
Paternity Test...$200
Buying back your cheating soul... $blood from a virgin

Faithful wife....priceless


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because Hollywood seems incapable of having a storyline without a cheating wife

Ha, maybe we should have paid more attention to what Hollywood has been trying to tell us all these years.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:03 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see a lot of the same things you guys are going through that I went through 6 years ago...

The text saying... "can't wait for (blank), love you"...

One of the things me and the ex did very well is travel together... Although I paid for almost everything on the trips she'd step up and pick up a dinner or such...

Well, when we were in MC the ex talked about the good times we'd had traveling so the MC said the best thing we can do is go on a trip and reconnect...

Off we go to New Orleans and our favorite hotel in The French Quarter... The ex paid for the plane tickets, hotel, many drinks and food... It all felt forced... It was like she was bribing me to be with her and rug sweeping the bullshit with travel...

We had a decent time but the whole time I was thinking she'd rather be with the OM... She'd offered the OM a fully paid trip to Las Vegas during the A... The OM by that time had thrown her under the but she was persistent...

During the A I took her on a fully paid business trip to a cool resort... We had crazy ass monkey sex and a good time but in her mind she had OM bouncing around in her mind... I had no idea...

The whole process of me trying to R while having nothing but doubts about all the alledged "facts" wore the shit out of me... I thought I saw what I wanted the results of R to be but really all I was working with was a "hopey changy" thing...

There are times I look back on the bullshit deal she handed me and the way she treated me as a backup plan and I get pissed but I know I did the best I could with the tools I had, the feelings I held and the lack of truth I was told...

Ultimately I ended it... When I didn't cooperate by playing the committed, begging and loving plan B she blew a gasket and got violent with me...

I gave her another chance and once again when I called her on her bullshit and didn't rug sweep she shoved me...

I'm happy now... I still do have many fond memories of what we did and had together... But, they're just memories of somebody I knew...

I have been NC now for years... I have no idea what or who she is or who she is doing... I just don't care...

It was all the help here on SI that got me to the point where I finally... Let go of the outcome...

I let her show her true colors and I finally said enough! I knew I'd be happier alone than in the crazy making spin machine she wanted me to fall hook, line and sinker for...

I have no regrets gentlemen... I tried my hardest to make sense of the nonsense... I just couldn't deal anymore with her rugsweeping attitude... When I didn't play into her narrative she'd go bat shit crazy...

Beware brothers... You can't be happy living in an inauthentic world of rug sweeping that involves your WW's keeping you sucked in by the crumbs they'll throw you (texts of "I love you's") and convincing you it's a four course meal...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thinkingclear,

Issues? Please share.

Well...I felt like there was too much action (ie, explosions, fast camera work, etc). I appreciate a good story with some depth. Movie felt kind of rushed. Don't want to throw out spoilers but lots of focus on Krypton and how it relates to superman. Could be cool to some but it gave the movie almost a sci-fi feel more than a superhero feel. They didn't really establish the main comic book characters very well either. Will be interesting to see where they take the sequel (because we all know there will be a sequel).

if I could sum it up in one word it would be very "Hollywoodish" if you catch my drift :)

Still a good flick though!


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went back to 10 to find this great summation by ats, it keeps going around in my head while reading the stories here.

I was not that unhappy in the M.
To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W.
OTOH, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her.

It is a recurring theme.


Posts: 6015 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to R and regain what we once had is comparable to trying to catch a greased pig. Not that I ever tried but if I did I'm sure it would be similar. No matter what I do it seems like it is just out of my grasp and I think it falls in line with a common theme
She has to want to do it. But she can't. The overwhelming burden of what they did makes them incapable to a degree. They gave up. They crossed the line. They shut the marriage down. We fall into a recurring trap by trying to recapture a love that used to be there. They will say I love you and go through the motions without doing the heavy lifting or digging in deep to get to the root of the problem and purging it.
Rug sweeping is just a surface effect but the garbage is still below the surface and that surface is uneven. We will continue to trip over it. They will continue to get upset and fight it. They will rebel just as they have been doing until we find ourselves walking on egg shells.
To me if a WW is remorseless she is incapable of R because she will continue to accuse you of punishing her and how can she possibly love you again if we continue in the same spin cycle. A cycle of abuse.
The honeymoon phase
The tension phase
The blow up phase
The forgiveness phase
Then honeymoon phase again
Throughout all of this the actual problem is never addressed and it seems the WW is content with this.
In reality she got hers. She went adrift. Slept around. Had a good time getting "validated" and has no concern about the repercussions except to get us to shut up and let them continue with their house wife facade. I've actually been called whiny and throwing pity parties for myself. Nice huh.
My WW has effectively lost her job, ruined her credit rating, has a criminal record, has CPS on her ass and she sees herself as the victim.
I still remember how she eloquently stated how she came to her decision to sleep with OM 1
She said fuck it.
Karma in return said fuck it
She doesn't see how this affected us or refuses to. If and when I cut her loose I think she may see the light.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 2:35 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the Catch 22 there JJCT. They don't realize that they are responsible for their happiness - not us. Until they understand that happiness comes from within, nobody can ever make them happy because they will never be happy unless someone is entertaining them. My wife said the same thing, and even argued with me when I told her I was happy. I was. I was happy before I met her, happy being with her, happy where my life had turned out. Nothing I could do would make her happy though, and I tried for years. Put her through college, got her whatever she wanted, joined a country club, let her fly with friends on vacations, encouraged her to be active and do things, never complained about the house or anything. She was a SAHM whose primary role was to be happy - do interesting things, go to the gym, shop, visit with friends. A life I would die to have. She paid me back by giving herself to strangers on the internet. Fucking other men made her happy as long as they were filling her holes. But if being a whore is what makes her happy, then she is free to do it. Just not as my wife. She can run around all she wants, fuck whoever she wants, chat with all the guys she wants, brag to her girlfriends about how amazing, good looking, strong, sexy all the men that want her are. I'm out of give a fucks. I've done being the caretaker of her happiness. I'm going to be as happy as I can be, with or without her. If being my wife isn't good enough for her but my generosity and security is all she wants, then she can go find her happiness somewhere else.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to R and regain what we on e had is comparable to trying to catch a greased pig.

I realized that in our case "what we once had" was ethereal. I was in love with the person I was projecting on to my FWW, and she was hating the person she was projecting on to me.

The waifish behaviors I once saw as cute and endearing I now see as aspects of her troublesome personality traits. While I miss a sexual connection, I realize for most of our relationship sex was used to control and manipulate me, not as an expression of love.

With no going back and only going forward I think it is appropriate to ask if you would spend time with the person your W is now if she were not your W? Would you date her? Would you M her?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a recurring theme.

I never claimed to be smart. I have succeeded in life primarily through drive, commitment and dedication. It has been hard realizing that those qualities are useless in my current struggles. I've finally realized it is on her to find 'her happiness'. It took me awhile. My armor is tested and worn. The end is nearing.

I have accumulated enough knowledge and understanding of myself, her and our marriage to finally move in the right direction. I would love to have the 'this is what I need, are you up to it' talk tonight. I'm being selfish I guess. I'm looking forward to a few days relaxing and I've been 'taught' to not rock the boat or there will be hell to pay. My IC even asked me last week if I thought it was a good idea for us to go out of the country. Wow. Never even thought about it being an issue. He said he knew enough about me and our relationship to not feel concerned, just wondered if I had thought about it. Stinks. Nay sucks that even taking a quick vacation can seem to carry ulterior motives.

When we get back we are going to have to have some heart to heart (if that is possible for her) discussions. Getting by isn't cutting it.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not that unhappy in the M.
To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W.
OTOH, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her.

and now mine professes how happy she is, how much she loves me and her family, etc etc. Before I kept the(very young)kids, worked around the house(laundry, dishes,etc), loved her dearly-now I do nothing around the house, work outside the home as much as possible(60+hrs)and really don't have feelings for her any longer.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the biggest fights my wife and I ever had occurred when she was complaining how I supposedly made her feel like shit all the time, and I told her point blank, "I am NOT responsible for your self esteem." This is sort of fucked up to admit, but during the A (when she wasn't drunk), she was actually really attractive to me because she seemed to be brimming with new find confidence that she had always lacked. I was so proud of her.


Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Tred that is a powerful post. Kudos to you brother. About sums it all up. I also spoiled my SAHW. Bought her gifts. Brought home a good check. Worked out I the gym and stayed in great shape. Took care of my kids and I was happy. We can't fix them. They have to fix that void themselves.
When I couldn't control her spending she explained that it provided a " temporary euphoria" uh huh
When I cut her off she found another way to fill that hole.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With no going back and only going forward I think it is appropriate to ask if you would spend time with the person your W is now if she were not your W? Would you date her? Would you M her?

NO


I never claimed to be smart. I have succeeded in life primarily through drive, commitment and dedication. It has been hard realizing that those qualities are useless in my current struggles. I've finally realized it is on her to find 'her happiness'. It took me awhile. My armor is tested and worn. The end is nearing.

I think your very intelligent, logical, well balanced, and professional but as the old adage goes
You can't reason with crazy. You can't sit down and converse with someone that has tricked themselves into believing a false narrative. It is impossible and the more you try to reason with them what they hear is
"He's calling me crazy and this is exactly why I cheated on him. He hates me. He thinks I'm stupid. He doesn't love me. He's an asshole.i hate him, nothing's changed, it's always my fault"
Shit spin the wheel. Whenever they even interpret that we're bringing it up. The way we act. Our failure to smile. Any utterance that resembles our happiness will always rock the boat. My boat has run aground. I'm stuck on a reef.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 3:10 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would spend time with the person your W is now if she were not your W? Would you date her? Would you M her?

That sir is a damn fine question. Without the knowledge to separate the illusion from the truth of who your wife is, how do you know? Who is this person in the bed next to me? I thought I knew her, now I know I didn't. There has to be some true parts in there, some really good parts. I just don't know what's real and what's the "good wife" faade. She's lost all benefit of the doubt.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There has to be some true parts in there, some really good parts.

I think all their good parts seem to have run their course.
Unless your an OM. Then they get to rewrite their lives. Rewrite their good parts. It's a blank canvass and they get to start over and reinvent themselves. Always reinventing and fooling other people until they get wise to it. Then it's time to move on again.
I once asked WW
What happens when that relationship doesn't work out?
Her response
Ill move on to the next one.
Sometimes a good vino can pull out some of their inner rationale.
I'm the only sucker to stick around this long or I was strong enough to keep her attention and overlook her flaws.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 3:18 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With no going back and only going forward I think it is appropriate to ask if you would spend time with the person your W is now if she were not your W? Would you date her? Would you M her?

I had this exact discussion with my wife via text this morning. She said, "we need to pretend like the old marriage is dead and start over". I replied, " If I met you today and we were both single, and i knew that you had cheated on your husband, I would break it off." The truth is the truth. Sometimes i think they get this more than we think they do, this is why they fein interest and want to stay. They are no catch on the other side. They can either lie to the next guy and not disclose (which most probably do) or if they are honest, well who would take that.

She replied, "There are no picket fences, I married you and you already had a child". To which I said, "yup, but I told you about it immediately when we started dating, total honesty."

There is no line forming to the left for a divorced cheater mother of 3.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks slater13

There is no line forming to the left for a divorced cheater mother of 3.

^^ Made me chuckle and smile.

I think you're right and deep down they know it. My WW has told me several times that she 'didn't expect me to stay'. Amazing. I lose her respect by trying to be honorable even when she knows she isn't worthy of that honor. Talk about a no-win situation.

Well there is but I'm sure they are several steps lower than what they had.

This is what still motivates me to this day. To keep the OM and other willing 'lower rung' guys away from and influencing my boys. If I could get full custody not sure what would motivate me at this point?

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 4:04 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no line forming to the left for a divorced cheater mother of 3.

Well there is but I'm sure they are several steps lower than what they had. My WW created quite a few hurdles and she definitely wouldn't be a "trophy catch"


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no line forming to the left for a divorced cheater mother of 3.

Well there is but I'm sure they are several steps lower than what they had.

Depends on what the line is for. To bang her? No problem if she looks good. Marry her? That would be a short line indeed. In my wife's case, she'd be a divorced mother of 4.

My wife's AP was done with her as soon as he knew that I knew. He didn't want the hassle, just the easy sex with a good-looking woman who was being supported by another man. We're not talking about high-class operators here.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is appropriate to ask if you would spend time with the person your W is now if she were not your W? Would you date her? Would you M her?

This is the very question that ultimately made my decision to go in my M. If the M was to start new I had to look at who I was dealing with. The WW I was dealing with is someone I wouldn't touch with a 10ft pole(insert jokes here). It's never a good idea to enter into a relationship hoping the other person will change into who we hope they will be. You have to accept all of who they are. And I couldn't do that. My STBXWW wasn't doing that with me during her A, hence her justifications based on my "flaws". I would be entering a new M with someone who already had strikes against me, aka no remorse, only reasons for her A. So her wanting to work it out with me without accepting that there are things she doesn't like about me, as well as blaming me for the fuckupedness of her own choices is a lose lose. And even IF my STBXWW was remorseful I knew that the A, along with a lot of other issues I was already accepting, was just the dealbreaker for me.

I really want to give major credit to those men here on SI and not on SI who give their M another go with a WW. Takes a major set of stones and perseverance and I just want to applaud you for doing what I don't think I could do. Seriously, I respect that.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 4:52 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.