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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Totally disconnected
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was married twelve years. Divorced in April. I have zero feelings about my ex. It's almost like he is just an acquaintance, not someone I spent most of my adult life with. I guess I should just be greatful that I am not in a bad place, but I think it's strange. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it possible this is a defense mechanism I have developed to suppress feelings after the trauma of my marriage?


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What feelings do you think you should have?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same, for what its worth. We were together nearly 18 years, married nearly 13. I can deal with him now as I do any other parent I know reasonably well for playdates and such. Chitchat at kids' activities, etc. But I don't feel anything beyond that. It was like when I had that "I'm done" moment I was truly done -- I've had some frustration or anger, sure, and its been awkward sometimes, but less and less now. Our D was final in December.

I think I just did all my mourning after DDay. By the time I was ready to say "I want a D" I was done with that. I waited for awhile after separation (which was a year in April) for the feelings to hit, but they never did and I am sure now that they won't. I am wistful sometimes about what could have been, but my focus is on the future and the present, which is pretty damned awesome just at the moment.

Healthy detachment. Its a good thing. :)


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. I think it's great. Why should you have feelings?


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally disconnected...that's my goal. Can't get there soon enough.


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
didiknow
♂ New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, that sounds wonderful. I can only imagine what it would be like to get off of the rollercoaster.


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I am feeling this way now. WH is unremorseful, so I have had to process the rollercoaster of feelings on my own (which I have done through friends and IC). I now feel pretty detached and am ready to move on with D.

WH and I went out the other night and I felt similar to how you do - like he is an acquaintance (or even a stranger). I agree, it is a really strange place to be in, as I have spent my entire adult life with this man (20 years).

It may be a defense mechanism if you are numb and suppressing.

But if you have processed through the anger, grief, etc. and are finally to acceptance/detachment, you're in a really good place!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was M 33 years when we separated (together for 39 years) and have been D 2 years. I do remember that I was M to him but I have no feelings one way or another.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20330 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was surprised earlier this year when we were in divorce court, going through the pagentry that is a divorce trial, and I felt nothing for him. Well, he was somewhat repulsive, but I'd think that of anyone who looks/acts like him. I took advantage of the opportunity when on the witness stand to look at him. Nothing. No emotions. Nothing. Well, I do pity him in the way you pity Rumpelstiltskin, in that he's a lost soul who has no prospect for any joy in life but that which comes at the expense of another's soul.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
stronggirl72
♀ Member
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think how you're feeling sounds wonderful! I can't seem to get past the revulsion and move onto disconnected.

That said, I do understand that you'd be worried about post-trauma effects. I say just try to bask in it if you can.



"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."

DIVORCED!!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2012
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, thank you for the responses. I have been away from my computer and unable to post a reply on my phone for some reason, hence the delay.

What feelings do you think you should have?

I guess I feel like I should be sad or missing him at least a little, but there is nothing. That doesn't bother me, but it is a bit disconcerting that I feel so removed from the last twelve years of my life. He has had a really hard time adjusting to my distance. One word answers to page long messages, etc. I just don't care.

My IC told me I had already grieved the end of my M years ago. I know she is right, I just didn't expect to feel like the whole thing was a reality show that happened to someone else.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
Topic Posts: 11

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