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User Topic: Please read this long email he sent me and our family
hurtyetstrong
♀ Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just confronted WH a little over a week ago after about 4 months of discovery and planning to head for divorce. He found out that I had looked up a lawyer asked me about it so I spilled the beans. I told him due to his emotional/verbal abuse, controlling nature and the cheating that I want a divorce. He pleaded for the marriage. But he only confessed to the sexting and phone sex. I believe there were actual physical affairs based on the data I have yet he's adamant nothing physical ever happened. He's currently on a work trip so we said we'd work on the marriage when he returns this weekend. He sent this email to me, and several of our family members:

After a stressful week of collecting my thoughts and hardly eating, I must say that youíre not far from the truth. Our marriage is at a junction where changes must be made or we can no longer be together. You made several accusations in your e-mail so I feel it is only right that I defend myself. I have also copied your parents because you told me that you tell them everything so they should now hear my side. Also copied is (WH cousin) who I spoke to from midnight to almost 2am one night this week, my brothers ___ and ___ because theyíre aware of what has transpired. I wanted to speak with your parents in person but I can no longer pretend that your family does not like me. My dad is also copied on this e-mail even though he is not aware of any problems between us.
I am also very unhappy with our marriage. I asked for a divorce two years ago and again last year because of what I considered an unhealthy marriage. I made concessions in order for you to be happy but you never appreciate me as a man. Since youíre bringing up the past I will attempt to give you a chronological order of events in our marriage that have now emotionally drained me as well.
First, while in graduate school you consistently complained about the distance between us and how you thought I was unfaithful. To abate that thought I moved to ___ and commuted 2hrs to ___ for classes while working full-time with ____ (50hrs/week). I did not resent you for it; I believed that I did it for the betterment of us as a unit so I needed to sacrifice.
Second, when I met you I always spoke about my intent on joining the armed forces. You persuaded me not to do it at the time- again, I did what I had to just to please. Eventually you allowed me and I joined the ___ because working at ___ renting cars with a masterís degree was underachieving at itís best. I loved being on active duty but hated being enlisted. Like I told you many times I would still be in the ___ if I was an officer, being enlisted didnít allow me to provide for my family like I envisioned. While at basic training, you decided to quit your job without informing me. We talked about it and I never agreed but as always, itís your way or I have to put up with your attitude problems. I moved past that as the sole provider for our family just to make things work. While I was in ___, I told you not to bring DD1 down there but you saw it as me wanting to live the single life and not what the issue was; which was that technical training is stressful and if I donít pass it I would have been kicked out of the Armed Forces. Even with you and DD1 there, I focused on my studies and graduated as the top of the class (Officers and Enlisted). I remember vividly that you called your mother while in ___, telling her that I was a horrible father and that I did not like being married and so on.
After getting out of active duty, I pursued jobs that would make me happy to no avail. As you know, I lost the job offer from the ___ because I wasnít released early enough by the ___. Then came the interview for the job in ___ as an Environmental Health Specialist. As you recall, I didnít even want to go for the interview because I did not like the job but you and (our friend) convinced me to do it. I accepted because I didnít have a job at the time and I had to provide for my family. I interviewed for the job and the rest is history.
While at ___ I was subjected to a slew of derogatory comments including racial slurs by co-workers. I managed to come home and try to maintain a sense of normalcy but it was still not enough for you. You always had an issue with something. Your bad attitude started to show itís self and I started hearing your mom whenever you would speak to me. Leading up to the heated exchange between your mom and me you regularly said verbatim what your mom would always say to me...Ē___, you are never happy wherever you work and there will always be something wrong with your jobĒ. Before the day of that altercation between your mom and me I had never said anything bad about you to my family. Actually up to this point I have never said anything negative about you to my family, it has always been rave reviews to my parents and siblings but little did they know that it has always been a emotional roller-coaster.
You constantly complained about my parents whenever they were around and I would immediately address it with them to make you happy. I constantly asked you to speak to your mom about comments she would make to me. Comments like ďWH; I donít know how hurtyetstrong stays with you, I would never marry someone like youĒ. ďWH; you have a bad personalityĒ, e.t.c. Your response to me was always that that has nothing to do with you and thatís between your mother and me.
I finally got the job offer I always wanted from ___ and making it better was that it would be right next to your family. To move the family to ___, I emptied my 401k savings account and let you keep yours. I sacrificed again for our family, which I believe I should, the only problem is that you never appreciate me.
I have loved the ___ job since getting it but whenever I make a comment that resembles unhappiness with anything at work it goes back to me not ever being happy. You and your mother have falsely labeled me.
The ___ recruiter whom I contacted before joining ___ continued to stay in touch and try to recruit me. Offering me a job if selected by the commission board as an Industrial Hygiene Officer, instantly making $27,000 more than I make now with free health insurance for my family and constructive credit to be an 0-3 which in a year and half (Another significant pay increase). Mentioning this opportunity to you was like speaking to an enemy in my own home. I tried to tell you that it was worth considering even though I like ___ because it is a very good career move in a bad economy and I could still return to ___ to make even more after doing 20 years Active. You didnít articulate your concerns and you just kept mute. You took it to your parents instead of communicating with your husband. You hate it when I bring up the military even though there are many perks which include the post 911 bill which guarantees that one of my kids will attend college for free.
After all this, I try to make it work. With that said I am not without blame, there are a ton of things I can do better but why should I make more concessions when you wonít change anything that I have asked of you. For instance, something as small as being presentable so when I come home from work youíre not still in your pajamas laying on the couch. You make me feel old, Iím 30 years old and in the past year and a half, I have only been intimate with my wife 3 times, one of which was when DD2 was conceived. I maintain that I have never been physical with another woman but I have spoken to other women on the phone, indulging in inappropriate subject matter, I also communicated with woman via skype. I told you all this, saying this was my way of at least feeling desired, I asked you to try improving our sex life but youíve done nothing. I asked you that so I could stop, the other women were all filling a void left by you. Still that's not an excuse- I'm wrong as pertains to this! I was willing to try foreplay but just because I made a comment you didnít like does not mean you should stop trying to convince your husband.
I am too hard on DD1 and I do yell at you, both of which are wrong but to call me abusive is a stretch. I have always been an abrasive man and I continue to look for ways to improve and specifically on how I raise DD1. My kids are the first time I have been exposed to raising children. I donít agree with the way you raise her either but I have never called you a bad mom. Instead even with my unhappiness I purchased gifts for you on motherís day and try to show you how much I appreciate you.
I have been constantly raising my voice lately at you because of your carefree attitude. If itís something that youíre not interested in, you donít make an effort to fix or change it. But once itís something you want, I am expected to follow along with not issues. Even minute things as hanging out with your parents, you and your mom decide when our family should come over and you always tell me at the last minute. You hardly talk to me at home; instead you send me an e-mail when I am in the same building as you. I asked you while I was in ___ for military training late last year to follow up on the ___ because they were ruining my credit due to what they called an ďover paymentĒ, you made a phone call which was not answered and never followed up again. Something as important as that was not a priority to you but instead you focus on helping your friend get ready for her marriage and your brotherís birthday party. You donít put your marriage first and thatís what I will no longer accept- I cannot be married to a woman that does not consider our union a priority.
You say I want to be single and this is something you have constantly told your mom, if that was the case why didnít I leave when we only had 1 child? Or before we had her? Why did I happily want another child with you? Donít forget, you pressed me about having kids because of your age and when you wanted to have them, I initially had issues with it which I conveyed but eventually agreed with no regrets. Being a father has helped my maturity and motivation more than anything else in the world so I do love my kids. Like I always say coming home to them after a long day at work always makes it worth while.
You accuse me of staying with you because I think a divorce is more expensive. Actually it wouldnít be more expensive for me. You have successfully portrayed me as a bad man with a duel life but all I have been since the first time we met was open. I always had problems with communicating my feelings, which ironically you helped me improve on only for you to stop communicating now.
If I did not have a parental guidance app on DD1ís ipad then I would never know that you were looking up divorce lawyers. Even when I called you about it, you lied to me, only to send me the e-mail below afterwards. I have asked for a divorce twice and I brought it to your attention first, you on the other hand spoke to your mom and contacted a lawyer without ever talking to me. You waited until I left for Chicago to start sneaking behind my back and you have the audacity to say you donít trust me? You know where I am at all times and letís not forget that I once caught you exchanging inappropriate sexual text messages with another man. We addressed it, I accepted your explanation and moved on, but for my explanations for my wrong doings...I always remain a liar.
I've been in ___ since Monday, working hard to provide for our family and you never call. You never even called me the entire time I was on the road from ___ to ___. You only called two days ago to make sure I wasn't coming home for the weekend. I asked you to skype me later on that day so I could see the kids and you never did. You have decided to keep my kids from me because hurtyetstrong always knows best. If we do get a divorce I will stay away and let you and your family raise the kids like you want.
I attempted to reach out to your brother for advice, I sent him a text saying...ĒHey bruh, call me when you can. Out of respect I will talk to you about what I think is best for me and hurtyetstrong. I am seriously considering divorce.Ē His response was...ĒDid you really send me this?Ē, I wrote back, ďYea, I want your adviceĒ. I called him and he forwarded me to his voice mail, I left him a message asking for his help on how to save my marriage and he never called back. Again, another example of how your family does not like me.
With all I have said as relates to your mom, I still think she has the best intentions but just needs to stay out of our marriage which I donít think is possible. She helps us immensely which I appreciate but she always belittles me. I love her dearly because she has been there for me and I have tried to communicate my issues with her because I have never been close to my mom so I don't know how to. Ever since our quarrel in ___ I have perceived her as someone who despises me.
Hurtyetstrong, like I've said before I think that you need to stop telling people outside our marriage about whatís going on and focus on fixing our issues. I need to change as well and do more but things will never work if we cannot communicate. I included my family in this e-mail because you have done this through out our marriage. I am a 30 year old man from a different culture, I have tried to adapt but I have a lot to learn; as a man, a father and a husband. But you never make me feel appreciated. I am always at fault and you always act like you can do better than me. Well if that is what you desire, so be it.

Even with all our issues I still think our marriage can be saved and not just for the kids, because I actually love and adore my wife contrary to what you believe. I just need you to be my wife and not the mother of my kids and a roommate. I remain open to your suggestion of us going to marriage counseling but if you would rather just get a divorce and not try, then I am now comfortable with that decision as well, we can speak to a lawyer when I get back this Friday and start the divorce process.
I'm emotionally spent but I'm convinced that God can save our marriage. Marriage is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

In regards to the sexting he accused me of - it was flirtatious texts between an old friend and I before WH and I were married. I apologized and since then I do not have have any phone contact with men unless business or they are family.

Looking for advice on how I should proceed when he gets back...


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I skimmed through it because its hard to read all at once. But I got the jist of it..he is bringing other people into your marriage because he wants to make sure everyone knows this is all your fault. he is innocent here..you're unreasonable and crazy. Everything is all your fault.

Fuck that POS. He is attempting to make this email look like it's all facts..when it's his skewed perception...he's foggy as fuck. He is trying to embarrass and humiliate you,AND take away your support system.

If it were me,I wouldn't bother talking to him when he gets back. I'd just have him served.

Ok..just read it all the way through. it's all "poor me." He is the victim here. WHY would he think this was your parents business?? They are YOUR parents. He has cheated on you and you turn to them for support and he is doing his very best to discredit you.

ETA again: He "actually loves and adores you." And how has he shown that? verbal abuse,cheating,and now this email to your family after he has been caught cheating.

I think I hate him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:45 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What, what a piece of work. Passive aggressive much?

If it were me, I would Reply All with simply the following:

"You had an affair. I did not. Nothing else in the past matters because you broke your vows."

This guy is a total douchebag.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with confused. He's trying to gaslight you and your support system into thinking YOU'RE the problem, because after all he has to do whatever you say or he has to deal with your "bad attitude problems".

What the fuck ever.

FTG.


Posts: 3355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
luv_lost
♀ Member
Member # 24621
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the previous responders....what a fucking narcissistic POS!! I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend you but damn, he is trying to justify his affair and say it's all your fault. He wanted a divorce two years ago....after a year or whatever, when he still wasn't happy, he should've grown some freakin balls and filed, but NO he had an affair...way to go there chump.

You deserve 100000x better than this guy. I'm so sorry you are going through this.


BW (me) 31
WH 33
DS1 8 yrs.
DS2 1 yr.

Anniversary 6/09/04
DDay 6/27/09
Wedding 3/15/12
DDay2 5/5/13

presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...


Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Philly, PA
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't fully agree with the prior responses.

Here is what I see:

1. You have run to the rest of the family regarding the issues as most of us do. I was very guilty of this. He made a choice to be open and honest with you and your family regarding all the issues.

2. He has admitted to his EAs and is willing to work with you on your marriage. I don't see where he is excusing his behavior but pointing what he has needed.

3. I see him restating what he has asked for in the past. That is not a bad thing. He is communicating with you what he needs too.

If you want this marriage I suggest you set a reread this letter with an open mind. Really ask yourself if all that he states is true and what have you done prior to his affairs to fix them.

If you don't want the marriage then disregard everything and move on.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you realize that I am not siding with him and his affairs.

I am just stating that this is the ugliness that happens afterwards and an affair with force you to look at things you might not want to see.

This is both of you discussing your marriage. I hope things go well for you.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say you believe he had a PA based on the info you've gathered,yet he refuses to admit it. If it's strong evidence,I would be tempted to include that in a response email to him and everyone he sent that email to.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't read that he took responsibility for anything. Sounds like his bad behavior is all your fault, to me. Well, . . . your and your mother's fault.

Look, he send a message to someone that he enjoyed "hitting it from the back?" Really?

This is an abusive, blameshifting man. And, he seriously can't understand why your brother put him on ignore?

Keep on keeping on.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what I see:

1. You have run to the rest of the family regarding the issues as most of us do. I was very guilty of this. He made a choice to be open and honest with you and your family regarding all the issues.

2. He has admitted to his EAs and is willing to work with you on your marriage. I don't see where he is excusing his behavior but pointing what he has needed.

3. I see him restating what he has asked for in the past. That is not a bad thing. He is communicating with you what he needs too.

Do you know this family and this man? I'm just wondering since you seem pretty convinced that he's being honest, that he hasn't had any physical affairs, that his martyrish list of hard work and the OP's complaints is true, and that the OP has "run to her family regarding these issues" - and maybe missed the part where she said she believes based on evidence she's found that his affair were physical.

What I see is someone making a huge list of how hard they've worked and how much they sacrificed to a shrewish and complaining wife. It sounds exactly like a WS justifying their affair and vilifying their spouse - this time in front of an audience of family members to embarrass hurtyetstrong by trotting out her complaints about him and his parents, as well as a discussion of their intimate life (while copying her and his parents!) while pointing out all his long-suffering sacrifices.

It sounds exactly like pretty much every WS defending their affair, only meaner in some ways. Calculated. He's clearly made himself the victim in this story.

Hurtyetstrong, i think you are going in the right direction by maintaining your professional relationship with your lawyer and seeking divorce until your WS can AT LEAST acknowledge his affairs honestly and without all the finger pointing and victims impact statements. Whenever you force the WS to look squarely at themselves, they tend to push back with a LONG list of grievances about the marriage. That's almost universal. This is what he's doing right now. When you don't cave to that list and still force them to have to look at the destruction their affairs have caused - usually only through continued motion in the divorce direction - sometimes they finally do look at themselves squarely. Sometimes not. But you are not in the wrong here. You're asking him for honesty about his affairs and you are getting shovel loads of shit.

I would stick to firm boundaries: honesty about his affairs and IC for his abuse, or divorce.

[This message edited by circe at 12:25 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3190 | Registered: Mar 2005
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was A WHOLE LOT of words he used in this manipulative novella....The real purpose of which was the last paragraph.

He doesn't want you to divorce him, and he doesn't want you searching for the truth. If you do, he will make sure that you regret it and that it is all your fault.

And you aren't allowed to tell anyone...only he is.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Rewriting the marital history perhaps? Has he always been allowed to blame his unhappiness on others?

He was unhappy because you didn't blow sunshine up his arse? Because you didn't take care of an issue with his credit? Excuse me, but isn't he a grown a** man? The email to everyone you know is a nice touch.

You indicated that you had evidence that it was physical. If I did I would be tempted to "reply all" and state that you appreciate him blaming you for all of his unhappiness in life, but if he continues to deny what you have evidence of that he should not bother coming home.

If you don't have evidence then it's a bit more tricky. I would be tempted to define what he meant by "inapropriate subject matter" means. I would also be tempted to tell him this isn't Leave it to Beaver, and he can kiss your rear if he expects you to greet him at the door, in dress and pearls with a drink for him in your hand. You are busy being a SAHM with a spouse that isn't around much.

I would also demand an apology from him for sending something to my mom that addresses her in such a horribly disrespectful way to other family members. He seems to spend an inordinate amount of time bitching about her.

He is definately trying to justify what he has done.
He is clueless. I would say go soo the lawyer, find out what your rights are.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8238 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi there...i am sorry you are going through this....i do like how you are handling things. good for you for taking care of you.

my husband was the same way. when i caught him sexting...he denied anything physical. i asked for phone records and he left home. we separated...and the whole time, he through me under the bus to his family and friends. he brought all of them into our business...simply because he didnt want to accept responsibility for his own cheating and bad behavior. he lied, and skewed the truth to make himself look good. and at the same time talked really bad about me...and how hard it was for him. he was deep in the fog.

when at the end of the day, he just didnt want to admit and take responsibility for the fact that he got busted cheating...and he wasnt willing at the time to do the work required to r in a healthy way. basically, he was a coward.

this is all very normal behavior for a busted wayward still in the fog.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I agree with losingmyground. I don't see what some of you are seeing.

It seems to me to be merely the typical situation where a WS wants to talk about the marriage (and hurtyetstrong owns her share of that issue) leap-frogging dealing with the A choices.

My recommendation to hurtyetstrong would be to let her WH know that she is fully willing to work on the M (along with any and all M issues raised by him) subsequent to dealing with the A issue first. Her WH's points about the M may have been legitimate at one point, but his choice to cheat has resulted in a new issue taking precedence. At some point down the road, the M issues will have to be addressed.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know this family and this man? I'm just wondering since you seem convinced that he's being honest, that he hasn't had any physical affairs, that his martyrish list of hard work and the OP's complaints is true, and that the OP has "run to her family regarding these issues" - and maybe missed the part where she said she believes based on evidence she's found that his affair were physical.

I think this is an excellent question - for everyone. I was wanting to ask it of the people who assumed his guilt and shady intentions with his email.

What I hear in hys posts and his email is that things have been rough - mistakes have been made. But, if he is honestly stating that he wants the marriage to work, then I would hold him to his words - that is, if you want to.

I wouldn't respond to the email. He is being juvenille to write it and send it to others. Don't fall into this. When he comes home, tell him that - all games aside - either y'all will work on the marriage or not. Let his actions be his words.

I am so sorry for what you have been and are now going through. I too see that he is 'woe is me' in his email. But (JMHO) the tit for tat thing is not nearly as important as really putting it all on the table - and trying to figure out if your marriage can be saved.

I wish you luck, and I send you many, many hugs!!!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know this family and this man?

No I don't know this family and this man. Never stated that I did. But neither do all of you. We are all reading a posting and responding with our opinions.

I'm just wondering since you seem pretty convinced that he's being honest

I only said that he is writing from his heart his part of the story.

that he hasn't had any physical affairs

I did not say that he did not have a physical affair. And if the OP is so positive about it, she should smack him over the head with the proof. But she has not done that yet, at least not that she has told us.

that his martyrish list of hard work and the OP's complaints is true

I did not say they are true or not. I asked that she reread the email and sit back and think about all of his statements. Only she knows if his statements have merit or not. Why do all of you assume that his statements are false? Just because he had an affair(s)? There were problems in the marriage prior and they need to be addressed by BOTH parties or the marriage will not stand a chance.

and that the OP has "run to her family regarding these issues"

Most people run to their family when there are issues. I know I was guilty of that for the first 7 yrs of my marriage. Again...I am not saying it is true but I am going by why he wrote in the letter.

- and maybe missed the part where she said she believes based on evidence she's found that his affair were physical.

No I did not miss that. As I stated above. She has nothing to lose at this point. If she has the evidence then smack over the head with it.

What I see is someone making a huge list of how hard they've worked and how much they sacrificed to a shrewish and complaining wife.

That is someone going on the offense without truly listening to what the other person is saying. Just because you don't like what someone has to say, does not make it any less than what they are feeling.

It sounds exactly like a WS justifying their affair and vilifying their spouse - this time in front of an audience of family members to embarrass hurtyetstrong by trotting out her complaints about him and his parents, as well as a discussion of their intimate life (while copying her and his parents!) while pointing out all his long-suffering sacrifices.

Maybe we should ask her if she ran to them since she started the divorce? In that case he has every right to tell his side. I don't agree with his choice to include the parents. It would have pissed me off too, but what is done is done. That does not make his feelings through out the marriage less valid.

It sounds exactly like pretty much every WS defending their affair, only meaner in some ways. Calculated. He's clearly made himself the victim in this story.

She is a victim of the affairs. They both are victims of the marriage. It does take two. Just because he had affair(s) does not mean that their problems in the marriage are all his fault.

Hurtyetstrong, i think you are going in the right direction by maintaining your professional relationship with your lawyer and seeking divorce until your WS can AT LEAST acknowledge his affairs honestly and without all the finger pointing and victims impact statements. Whenever you force the WS to look squarely at themselves, they tend to push back with a LONG list of grievances about the marriage. That's almost universal. This is what he's doing right now. When you don't cave to that list and still force them to have to look at the destruction their affairs have caused - usually only through continued motion in the divorce direction - sometimes they finally do look at themselves squarely. Sometimes not. But you are not in the wrong here. You're asking him for honesty about his affairs and you are getting shovel loads of shit.

I would stick to firm boundaries: honesty about his affairs and IC for his abuse, or divorce.

So once he acknowledges his bad behavior, when does it become okay to look at the issues in the marriage? I guess I don't understand that logic. He hasn't denied the EAs. He says he wants the marriage. He is opening up about why he figured the EAs were an option.

What is amazing is that none of this matters if she truly wants a divorce.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Hell. I just read your profile. Clearly he had a PA,based on his own text about how much he "enjoyed hitting it from behind."

AND he is seeking sex with men. My WH was on CL looking for a hookup with a man(he got it too). This brings a whole new dynamic to your R. This man has not "only" cheated on you,but he has lied to you about his sexuality(I do not believe,based on my research and time spent here on SI that a straight man would try to have any sexual interaction with another man,unless he is at the very least bisexual). This alone is a HUGE betrayal.

I am trying to R with my WH. He is bisexual. He is also committed to being faithful. But it's Hell. Everyone's R is Hell,at times,and I am not meaning to imply for one second that R is harder for those who have had a spouse seek sexual attention from the same sex...but it certainly adds a whole shit ton of problems and issues on top of an already difficult,painful situation.

And...if you R with this man...he will need to admit what he has done as far as other men are concerned..and he needs to figure out whether he is straight,bi,or gay. As his wife,the very least you should know about your husband is his sexuality.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I *could* see where some of you are coming from, but the mere fact he felt the need to include everyone and their uncle (literally?) on this email screams to me passive aggressive narcissist. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy so he's going lay out alllllll the things that ever happened, EVER, in front of everyone. It screams of re-writing the marital history and attempting to put focus or blame on you so everyone just glances over his "inappropriate communications".

Honestly? If my FWH put out in an email to EVERYONE that we had been intimate 3 times in a year, regardless of truth or not, I would flip my shit. You just don't put your business out there like that.

FTG.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2007 | Registered: Sep 2011
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to Hurts profile, I think the issue that is of grave concern is that the WH here may be engaging in sexual fetishes that hurtyetstrong feels endangers her mental and physical health. If, in fact, BH has been seeking sex with males this may not be something that she can reconcile over.

His fault finding and blameshifting aside, can Hurts ever reconcile and feel emotionally, mentally and physically safe?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to be so stupid, but can someone please tell me what FTG means?


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
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