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User Topic: I need the right words...
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MIL just called me. I haven't talked to her since she and my FIL informed me that They will be stepping in to help my adult son with his bills....

I know she is going to say something about the situation and I really don't want to hear it.

I need a line....

I was going to say

"Son and MIL/FIL are both adults, I do not have any control over your relationship as you are all adults, so whatever you decide to do is your business and I/we do not want any part of it"

Good enough? Rude?

I thought maybe a simple "fuck off" might be better.

????

I need to get to a point of not caring about what they do...but my heart just keeps pulling me in.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Karma)))

Me, Myself and I would go with "Fuck off" but that might backfire.

I would just explain that when it comes to you and your adult son and them... it's an off-limits conversation.


Me: BSO - 45
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24365 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"H & I have made our position very clear. We will not discuss this further."


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think how you respond depends on what type of reaction she's looking for. Is she looking for gushing thank yous for helping your son? Is she doing it to twist the knife in your back that you're not helping him? Is it to show you she's such a wonderful caring family member?
Motive means everything here.

Probably the best response would be a dismissive "Oh, how nice" and then a move forward statement like for instance, "were you aware that tea in China is getting more expensive?"...

That's like saying IDGAF and FOAD all at once, KWIM?

That makes you the winner.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Sad nailed it. In my frame of mind today the best thing I could come up with is to say "What? I can't hear you. What?" as loud as I could. But that wouldn't be good.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5842 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what SadinAz said is best.

In similar situations I have said things like, 'H and I have been doing what we've thought was best with DS. You handle it the way you see fit, but your relationship with him doesn't involve me, obviously you need to do what you're comfortable with.'

But as I hear it in my head it seems like you don't even have to say that much.

I think Sad has the right idea.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36709 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...wow

Sad, you did nail it, but I had to leave work and I called her as I left...because I think AN and I were separated at birth I essentially said this

'H and I have been doing what we've thought was best with DS. You handle it the way you see fit, but your relationship with him doesn't involve me, obviously you need to do what you're comfortable with.'

I laughed when I saw your response AN, cuz thats what I told her...

Thanks everyone. She actually called to tell me they would not be giving him the money for court

They paid his car insurance one day last week and he was supposed to go over the next day...he didn't return.

So, are you ready....she said ...KARMA YOU WERE RIGHT WE ARE HEART-BROKEN BUT OUR HELP WON'T HELP HIM

I told her it wasn't a matter of being right and that she and FIL had to get to this place on their own.

She then went on to apologize for calling the way they did and said if we needed their support we had it.

Knock me over with a feather....

I am still sad for my son and his choices, but at least there is hope he will find his way.

Thank you so much for your support, it means the world to me.


ETA: They are still borderline assholes, it will take more than this to erase the nickname

[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:16 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like Sad's response as well.
Short and very direct.

If they try to talk over you and bring it up again, simply repeat the same line.
If you have to repeat yourself more than twice, feel free to hang up.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We cross posted, Karma, but that's great news!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Karma, I do believe we are .

And I'm glad they were reasonable and affirmed what you already knew, not that you needed that from them but I'm sure it was good to hear.

As always, sending hugs and support.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36709 | Registered: Sep 2007
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best update ever!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13572 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I can't say that I'm happy, because this isn't that type of situation, but you had the best possible outcome. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for further good outcomes


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I have to say, Karma, kudos to her for having the guts to call and say all that. I didn't expect you would EVER hear that, based on the way she and FIL talked to you previously.

I hope beyond all hope that your son gets his shit together.

((((karma))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Sad...I know. As much as my in laws getting it is huge the pain my son causes us and himself is so sad.

We did find out this morning they are having a baby girl.

He doesn't even seem to care and I feel like I am torn in a million different directions.

He is trashing his life one step at a time and all I can do is watch.

My heart breaks for this baby. She deserves a daddy that believes she is the world.

I hope he finds his way through this and to her.

Thanks everyone


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad she apologized to you karma. You were BIG about it too with your response.

I really hope your son finds his way.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm impressed with your in-laws that they got it so quickly. I'm even more impressed with how you've handled it. There is nothing more difficult than knowing when not helping your child is the best thing you can do for them and then following through with it.

((karma))


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Definitely the most difficult sitch we have ever been through. Emotionally draining and has the potential to rip a family apart.

We try so hard to consider what's best and do the right thing.
I appreciate the support.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 17

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