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User Topic: Anybody else wondering if they are handling it all correctly?
SimpleTruth
♀ New Member
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone has opinions. His family thinks I'm being too tough on him (I should just forgive and forget). My family thinks I should be more tough. They all seem to think that if I would just do this or that it will somehow encourage him to change.

I've forgiven him, but I haven't seen enough from him at this point to convince me that we would have a successful R.

Ive struggled with whether or not I'm handling this all correctly. I'm of the opinion that it doesn't matter what I do. If he wants to change, he'll do it.
We've talked, we've cried, we've fought. I've provided him with resources that I think will help. I feel like there is nothing else I can do. It's ultimately up to him to do the work.

I've read others stories and some seem to think that what they did (such as immediately filing for divorce) somehow spurred their Wayward to making the right changes. Did it?

Anybody else struggling with this?


D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm of the opinion that it doesn't matter what I do. If he wants to change, he'll do it.

This indicates to me that you ARE handling it correctly.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6810 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm of the opinion that it doesn't matter what I do. If he wants to change, he'll do it.

This indicates to me that you ARE handling it correctly.

Jana hit the nail on the head.

You are doing it right if you ave proffered resources and are then waiting for the WS to change himself.

Me? I was too nice and that allowed their A to continue, to go underground after Dday and for me to have almost a year of false R. ONLY after I realised he was still cheating did I go NC, put on my bitch boots and file did he 'hit his rock bottom!'

FWH has not looked back since and is a text book, poster boy for what a remorseful spouse should be/do/say/act.

I just wish I could say I had been the poster girl for what a BS should do when presented with a cheating spouse!

Older, wiser and with hindsight I now try to be the voice of reason to anyone who finds out they are being cheated on as I want people to not make the same mistakes I did.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing this the right way.

Think about it like this, if he isn't doing the work and you accept that, you will eventually have another DDay. Personally, if I can, I don't want to go through this shit again.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


it's ultimately up to him to do the work.

I'll echo the others because this is the truth of it all.

I didn't file for divorce, move out or make him move out. I dumped the "work" to fix himself where it belonged...on him, and after some time, began to work on my own healing. Perhaps we can influence another person by setting an example...but we have no control over how they put that example to use.

I didn't want my husband to do the work because he was reacting to something I was doing...I wanted him to do the work, because he wanted to be a better person and really find joy in life.

You are your own best counsel in this matter and I think you are on the right track. Show him the path, by taking care of yourself and your own healing.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO - don't listen to either family ... this is between you and your H.

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there's been a day when I havent't wondering if I am handling this situation right, not sure of every decision I made, second guessing my choices

I look back and sometimes wish that I did this or that differently but then I remember that whatever choices I have made in the past has made me the person I am today, and I am definitely stronger and wiser because of it


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is really easy for people that are not living it to have opinions. In my own family (forget his) people are disagreeing about what I should do...

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course the families are going to think like that. Your family is trying to protect you. His is trying to gloss over his screw-up and make you out to be the bad guy. That's what happens. Blood is usually thicker than water in these cases.

There are so many different opinions on how to handle affairs. I felt like I didn't follow the main themes discussed on SI to the letter. But I did what I thought was best at the time for my situation. A mixture of SI information, family/friend input and my own gut.

It took 6 months for my husband to finally come out of "the fog". I told him I had talked to a lawyer and was ready to file. That's when he knew I was just done. A month later we started dating and he moved home 3 months after that. BUT that doesn't happen for everyone. And I never expected it to happen for us.

Some of the most important things I have learned during this process:
1) I didn't cause it.
2) I can't fix what I didn't cause.
3) There is no definitive step-by-step guide to handle this because we're all different.
4) Take in all of the opinions given.
5) Ignore the ones that don't make sense or feel right to you.

Don't beat yourself up about how you're handling your marriage. Follow your instincts. Nothing in life is guaranteed. But, you can survive this mess and have a happy life on the other side. With or without your husband.

((hugs))


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
SimpleTruth
♀ New Member
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses.

Our families mean well, but I do listen to their advice with a few grains of salt.
I hate how much this whole situation has affected my relationships with his family members. They were my family too. I say were because I feel like I've been sort of booted out. We're all cordial and even friendly and supportive, but there's that underlying tension at all times. They think if I would just take him back everything will work out. Looking back, they have always acknowledged his "mistakes," but minimized them so that I end up being the unreasonable one. They think "he's trying so hard," but they really dont know everything.

Movingforward13 said, "if he isn't doing the work and you accept that, you will eventually have another DDay." This is what I have to keep telling myself and his family when they question me.


D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10

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