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User Topic: Did your WS lack closure in previous relationships?
gotmylifeback
♂ Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering if this is a WS thing, characteristic of someone with BPD, or simply a character flaw.

During my marriage, WS would periodically look up old boyfriends on facebook; as if she still had some kind of emotional attachment. Not sure if she was still in contact with them. From what I know, one relationship would end and then she would quickly begin a new one. Little to no time in between to simply be single and recover from the breakup. She was already dating someone new before her first divorce was final.

I can only speculate, but it seems like she never had good closure with her previous relationships. Never took time to figure out why the relationship didn't succeed and more importantly, what her contributions were to the failure.

We met and she had only been single for a short time. We married and there were some important reasons why her previous relationship failed which I didn't find out about until after we were married. Seems like her solution to problems in one relationship is to start a new one. So, I can see that with this mindset, an affair was easy for her to justify. then, after the final dday, she simply gave up on our marriage and wanted a divorce.

Anyone else have a WS like this? Any WS's willing to share if this was a pattern in your life?


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I (BS) have never cheated on any boyfriend or spouse and I look up old boyfriends/crushes on facebook every now and again. I am friends with a bunch of them too.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg yes!! Both of my WH infidelities were with women with whom he had brief physical liaisons previously, but never relationships. He felt a real physical connection with them both. Both are not healthy people emotionally. By his own admission not relationship material. But worth tearing up our M....


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO "closure" only comes from within. It's not something you can get from another person.

I think you are confusing "closure" with "big sucking hole in my soul that I try to fill with other people".


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Possible, probably very possible. fwh let himself be sucked in by mow who he had a short physical relationship 20 yrs ago. He got bored with her and just dropped her. She kept track of him, and when opportunity presented itself, (or, she made opportunity), she came on strong. He bit. Now, after all the damage, he can't believe what he's done. He didn't even like her. Point is, she never got closure, so she never let him go.

Other side of coin, I have many old boyfriends from school that are just acquaintances now, or Facebook contacts, but I have no romantic feelings for them, enjoy hearing about their families and can't see the slippery slope happening with anyone, old or new.
I guess I feel this is a personality flaw that allows some to be unable to let the past go. Insecurity maybe.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Oh, yes! My STBXWH (we're now S) was constantly looking up old girlfriends and exes. He still wanted that connection. I just didn't realize it until the internet became a household thing, and then facebook. I trusted him. With the joining of facebook came looking up old flames, friending them, flirting with them, -- and them calling them and meeting up with them, even if they were several states away. That was what took him from a M man to a single one.

Even before facebook, with the internet, he would google their names. Sick.

He is a wayward, he is also, IMO, a psychopath. I say this based not only on his cheating, but also on his basic character in many aspects.

IMO, if a person cannot give up old flames, even if it is only on an emotional level, they simply are not relationship material. Sure, everyone thinks of old flames now and then. They cross the mind on rare occasions. But to want to contact them or keep up with what they are doing these days is wayward thinking. It's a slippery slope that anyone who is serious about their marriage should avoid.

Step One is thinking about them. There's nothing wrong with that. We can't help the thoughts that enter our heads.

Step Two is dwelling on that thought. This is where it becomes wayward because it leads to Step Three.

Step Three is looking up that person. Just to look. It's the top of the slippery slope.

Step Four is contacting that person, and this is where the cheating begins.

To avoid cheating, avoid the slippery slope.

I've heard it said that Eve in the Garden of Eden made her first move by thinking about the forbidden fruit. Then she looked at it. Then - she reached out and touched it. Before she knew it, she was partaking of it.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's an NPD trait. That's not to say someone with the trait is NPD. Everyone has a little narcissism, a little narcissism is healthy. Some folks, have more than healthy. Some are outright NPD.

When an NPD's current supply stops feeding them enough, they simply seek a new supply. Gonna's tagline of Sultan feeling entitled to a harem is exactly what NPDs do. They keep old flames simmering so that they have a running list of other supplies on hand in case their current one stops feeding them enough.

This trait was one of the things that had me convinced for a very long time that MrWNW was NPD. He also felt entitled to a harem. He also kept those old flames simmering. It was only this past year I learned that people can have NPD traits and not be NPD. He has TONS of other problems, 3 other Dx's, but NPD isn't one of them. Nevertheless, it is a serious break in personal boundaries. It requires a lot of time in therapy to help this area in personal development. Is your WS in IC?


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think NPD is part of it, but so is severe low self esteem. Add that to severe depression, and any attention from any place is acceptable.
There are too many to describe, unfortunately.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, closure is a myth to which we assign far too much importance. Life is messy. It doesn't tie things up nicely at the end, like a TV drama. I could be wrong, but I haven't observed that WSs have a greater number of unresolved issues with past relationships than anyone else.

That said, I, too, have a personality-disordered ex, and yes---he has a history of very dysfunctional relationships with family, with friends (few), with colleagues and supervisors, with everyone. Closure? Never, except in the form of estrangement.

In my husband's case, it really is characteristic of his personality disorder.

IMO, personality disorder can be synonymous with character flaw. I recognize that there are character flaws that don't reach the proportions of PD, but I don't think they are "simple," except inasmuch as life becomes far simpler when I acknowledge that there is nothing that I---and more importantly, nothing that the affected person--can do to change the flaw. We all can change our behaviors, at least to a degree, if motivated. But we can't change the flaws.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
gotmylifeback
♂ Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO "closure" only comes from within. It's not something you can get from another person.

I think you are confusing "closure" with "big sucking hole in my soul that I try to fill with other people".

Good points. I guess when I refer to closure, I am thinking of emotionally moving on from a relationship. Yea, we may have good memories from the person we dated in high school or that long term relationship that just didn't work out. I get that. But it seems like my ex never truly "let go" or past boyfriends. Even the first husband who supposedly cheated on her.

I have had to come to my own closure with divorcing an remorseful WS. I will never have all of the answers or a real apology. I have made peace in my heart with that and have moved on. I honestly don't care what she is doing or what her life is like right now. I don't look her up on facebook or ask common friends about her. However, it seems like she has been denying that she even had an affair and is telling people about how I have a girlfriend. We are divorced and have had no contact in over 2 years. It seems like I am still in her head.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
Topic Posts: 10

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