Topic: When did you "know you wanted a D?
Member # 38924
| Posted: 4:53 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
Just curious what it took for you to see clearly after the trauma...
I'm 7 months out, trying to R with IC/MC, but fantasize about D all the time.
Me-BW 35. WH-35,alcoholic. 2 toddlers. M6yrs T13. SEPERATED.
5 Ddays 11/14/12(NC w/OW) - 4/16/13 and another December 2013.
TOTAL 3yrs 8OW 1LTA (all W lied to)Both in IC/MC.
"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." -Bukowski
Posts: 735 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 15259
| Posted: 5:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
After two A's and a few attempts at R...I could see the signs that it would happen again. XWH was one to run when the going got tough; he never did the heavy work to change his behaviors/reactions/responses to..well..life! He wanted to surround himself with women and attention..My love would never be enough for his insecurities. Even when I got the divorce, I wished I didn't have to, but I certainly felt so much more at peace once I did.
Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010
XWH died Dec. 2010
Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Member # 35229
| Posted: 5:58 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
His lack of remorse made my decision easier and sooner than it would have been had he feigned remorse for a little longer.
I had many moments - for me it was getting harder and harder to forgive myself for staying. When I realised that even if he WAS doing all of the things I thought I needed to even consider R (he was not) I STILL would need to forgive myself for staying every.single.day.
I knew it was a dealbreaker on DD. I didn't want it to be and raged against it. But it just was.
“If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too.” -Dr Seuss
Posts: 3594 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 36060
| Posted: 6:04 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
I still don't *know* I want a D. What I do know, though, is that he is leaving me with no choice. As much as it hurts and as much as I wish so badly for husband: the original back, I can see the man in front of me now is not the man I married, there is nothing to hold on to, so it's time to end it.
If he suddenly turned extremely remorseful, I wouldn't move back to the marital home like nothing happened. I am not sure I am at the point that I would D regardless. I hope that with time, I can get to the point where I am done no matter what.
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013
2 DS and DD all w/autism
Posts: 654 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Member # 15088
| Posted: 6:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
When I realized I was staying out of fear. Once I set that aside and just jumped...I could breath again.
"The only thing left to do is forgive and forget. I want to forgive you and I want to forget you!" ~Lauren Conrad
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
Posts: 2125 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Member # 18334
| Posted: 6:31 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
We had seperated(more like he walked out). I had already filed for divorce. It wasn't the cheating that made me file. It was the abuse.
During this time I discovered we were in false R. We were also in MC. He got extremely angry after a session and started driving crazy, hitting the car. I thought he was going to hit me. It was then that I decided to go through with the divorce.
I think...therefore, I'm single.
Posts: 4286 | Registered: Feb 2008
|Sad in AZ|
Member # 24239
| Posted: 6:58 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
I said it a few times before I really meant it. That happened when we were out to breakfast for our 32nd anniversary (he had to work that night). He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he was finished with the OW. The next day I checked his phone records (he STILL didn't know I was doing this ) and saw that they were still talking. I told him it was over the next day, went through 6 months of in-house separation hell, then moved out.
Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?
Posts: 18526 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 32554
| Posted: 7:05 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
I'd thought about divorce for many years, but always talked myself out of it. After my first DDay I brought the subject up early on with my IC, telling her I was "this close" to it and was fantasizing about separation at the very least. As the months of limbo wore on and STBX got only more angry & assholish, I realized that R was probably not going to be possible. Then I had a significant DDay which showed me the children were in danger, and that was that. I knew immediately and filed w/in the next few days (which was as long as it took to meet with a lawyer & get the paperwork started).
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Posts: 7352 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 24518
| Posted: 7:11 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
When did you "know" you wanted a D?
I knew filing for divorce was the right thing for me to do, when I filed.
but it took about about 3 months after I filed, with ex being gone for a while, for me to get to the point where I could say divorce was what I wanted. I really had to get off the crazy train first, before I could see what I wanted. All his gaslighting, lies, and blameshifting really messed with me, and took up all my energy trying to figure them out. It kept me from focusing on what was best for me, and what I wanted.
Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Posts: 11638 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Member # 33226
| Posted: 7:18 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
Dday. Before I even confronted. But I've been told I'm really odd, so there's that.
You can call me NIK
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Posts: 19389 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: "Is this heaven?" ;-)
Member # 24486
| Posted: 7:18 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
I didn't want one, and I still don't. But I'm over the cheating, the lying, the blameshifting, everything. I, too, knew it was a dealbreaker on the first Dday, but I fought like hell to keep my kids' family intact. Too bad he didn't feel the same way, or we might still be married.
BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13
Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
Member # 27035
| Posted: 8:46 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
Geez, I fought it and fought it for months of denial and then trying to somehow get him to R, all to no avail. Then one day, in the middle of a "discussion" he spouted some batshit crazy talk about how I had never supported him, and that was *the moment.* I knew I was done fighting, done talking, done, done, done. Then I got mad and that gave me the energy to get through the negotiating and dismantling of 25 years of marriage.
"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."
Posts: 4052 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 31229
| Posted: 9:07 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
I think I have known since the beginning. Since dday. I always said infidelity was a deal breaker and then when it happened, I didn't want it to be a deal breaker because it meant giving up my fantasy of having a family that was all together. There was always that nagging feeling, but I was pushing it away.
WH was home for 18 months before I finally knew I just couldn't do it. Hanging in there for the kids was not worth it. I had no desire to have a conversation with him and I couldn't even look him in the eyes. Sex with him made me feel ill and really it boiled down to, I just had NO respect for him at all anymore. I fantasized about D all of the time.
Since he left, I have felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I smile again in my house and I feel at peace, despite the stresses that remain. Every time he comes over to see the kids it just further convinces me. I don't feel happy to see him and I just feel irriated the whole time he is here - like I can't wait for him to leave again. I have also gotten to the point where I just don't have the desire to argue or fight back. When he sends those passive agressive texts where he is trying to engage me, I have no desire to respond. NC is just really easy now - I don't really even have to try anymore. I guess that's also how I really "know"
Status: separated and loving it
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!
Posts: 1172 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 2027
| Posted: 9:09 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
I never wanted one. But there was no way I was going to put up with lying and cheating.
It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Posts: 7741 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Member # 33698
| Posted: 9:10 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
A few days after DDay... he started sharing more details, and that was it for me. I knew that I was done. An uncertain future without him seemed like paradise when compared to a suffocating, paranoid, and rage-filled future with him (which is exactly how I would have felt). Fortunately, I was right; I'm glad I decided right away and have never regretted that decision.
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:11 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
BS (Me) 39
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley
Posts: 3054 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 34697
| Posted: 9:48 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013|
I knew we were heading for divorce on D-day when he kept saying that he couldn't go to IC...it would be too hard for him. I was in denial for a few days but when he was still saying the same thing and that he just didn't know how to come back, I got pissed and said, "Fine. We are getting divorced."
Posts: 3615 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 33523
| Posted: 12:12 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013|
I never wanted the damn D, but I also never wanted to be married to a serial adulterer, either.
There was a 3 year S, where I naively thought that XH would turn into a decent H. He didn't, I pushed the D (that he claimed he wanted) through.
It's not what I wanted, but I felt like an asshole even thinking he'd turn into a decent person.
In retrospect, wish that I'd have filed myself at the 6 month mark. Even if it had worked out the same, I'd have spared myself 3 years of limbo.
Me: BS/WS 40s; Him: WH/BH 40s (RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: free of the overgrown baby
"Silly hubbs, tricks are for whores!"
Posts: 406 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 21634
| Posted: 9:17 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013|
After I experienced 5 ddays and 5 false R's I knew I could not longer look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that everything was going to work out for the best with my WH. I was so unhappy with MYSELF for allowing myself to be mistreated and disrespected. I was NOT happy anymore. I couldn't fake happiness for myself anymore!
BS - ME 43
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"
Posts: 804 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Member # 39362
| Posted: 1:05 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013|
I don't usually make any drastic moves until I'm absolutely sure about my decision.
We have been through a lot, but in the past 4 months he was formally as diagnosed as bipolar, we found out he's sterile (I've always wanted kids), and he was out with OW on the night of our anniversary (he had been seeing her before that). This was our second Dday.
There was just no hope for me in the R anymore. Looking ahead, the only thing I could see was a never ending roller coaster of pain and drama. I decided to D as the second Dday was unfolding on the night of our anniversary. Sometimes I wonder if the second Dday was the excuse I had been waiting for.
There is always a rainbow after every storm.
Posts: 153 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 9280
| Posted: 4:15 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013|
I never wanted a divorce. I asked him to leave because of his non A related lies,(3 years post DD) four months later he said he wanted to divorce. He then proceeded with the divorce over the next year, it dragged on and on and cost a fortune, it was not a priority, his work came first. All the time I thought he still was not sure and he would change his mind. His
reason for the divorce?
I was not nice to him and he didn't like
talking about our relationship. He did me a favour of course, otherwise I would still be in a very unhappy marriage with an emotional cripple
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009
Posts: 123 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
|Topic Posts: 25|