I could write a list of everything he has done that makes me feel ashamed for staying. It would take hours.
Has anyone had success with overcoming this feeling? How did you do it?
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies!
I do have to say I don't know if my husband, the cheater, was remorseful. I do know before, during and after the affair he always treated me as I wanted to be so there wasn't much new he could do "right."
God only knows why he's stayed, though. I am now giving him every reason in the world to have an affair, but he doesn't! Go figure. I wonder why he's not ashamed to stay in a marriage being treated as he is.
even if they are remorseful and doing everything right?
That's really great WH is remorseful....do you really think he is remorseful? Is the shame coming from:
a list of everything he has done
I bet every BS/BSO has a list of many hurtful, deceitful, and painful behaviors. We all have R jitters, and with each step back, they are reinforced.
Like so many other areas of my life, sometimes a simple pro and con list can help sort through whether or not I am headed in the right direction or on the right track today. And notice I wrote today. Usually I am a planner by nature, looking ahead. With infidelitiy and all the emotions involved, living day by day is sometimes necessary to get to the future of making the decisions that are best for me.
Let's face it, this is not how you envisioned or expected your WH to treat you. And, I think you are grappling with the belief that you are a strong, independent woman and after what WH has done, what should/would someone like you do in response to this list? You feel like you are letting yourself down, principles and all, and ashamed for not being that
strong, sensible woman.
Try to give yourself some slack and some love, forget about what J85 thought she would/should do, and use your strength to guide you each day to find your path.
I am taking it day-by-day. In fact, everyday I have to talk myself in to staying.
I could sit down and list all the reasons for staying and there are many:Kids, Kids, Kids, finances, history, chronic illness, too old to start over, etc.
The only reasons for leaving is that I don't love him and I am ashamed to be with him. I care about him and I pity him. But there isn't one spark of passion left for him. I don't know how to get it back. In fact, much of the time I find him and his touch repulsive.
I think about the fact that if I sat down and finally told friends and family EVERYTHING he's been doing our whole marriage and especially the last 7 years, they would wonder what the heck was wrong with me that I stay.
Take "shame" out of the equation. Why not substitute the word smart when thinking about what to do. Doing what is smart is never something to be ashamed of.
I think that allot of the shame we feel is from a internal dialog. Before Dday how often would we say to ourself and others that if we were cheated on we would leave? I know I did. So now that reality come crashing down on me I see that things are more complex than I once thought they were.
As Skye said people stay in relationships for many more reasons than just the warm and fuzzy stuff. If your M is a long one then you and your WH lives are tangled up pretty tightly. So its not easy to just cut the cord and go. Children and finances are the first 2 big considerations that come into mind. There is also the fear of being alone and starting over. All these things can keep you in a relationship and those reasons are important.
Everybody either stays or goes for their own reasons. No one else has any right to judge because they really have no insight into the complexity of what keeps you in place.
The worst voice you may hear that is admonishing you for staying maybe your own. Why dont I leave? I deserve better than this - but maybe I dont. Maybe I am not worthy of faithfulness from my S. Maybe Im just not good enough. Maybe I am so horrible that I made my WS cheat. All internal dialog that runs off the self doubt that is rampant in the mind of a BS.
AND NONE OF IT IS TRUE. Many times I think we know it isnt true but still that internal voice whispers and we feel ashamed.
Try and get out on your own. Do something for yourself that you have always wanted to do. Take a class at university. Start a new hobby. Start doing things for yourself and you will soon feel better about yourself.
This also gives me the opportunity to decide if there will be reconciliation.
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 WS D told me
D Day #3 - OW called me 1/11/2013
LTA OW says 7 years
Would I do the same again? No. Was it really my best? No.
But it was the best I had to offer, in the circumstances.
In my opinion, there is no shame in fighting for someone/something that you love. It takes the bravest and toughest of souls to stand in that place.