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User Topic: Struggling
altehpwn
♀ New Member
Member # 39173
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here we are about 2 months out. The closing date on our house is in three days. He's acting remorseful, sort of. He's not hiding his phone anymore and changed all his passwords to one that I know. Mind you, when he changed the passwords it became the word "grovelling" and then he made a sarcastic snipe at me saying "I hope you enjoy having me under the microscope!" He refused to do the one thing I asked though which was to call the OW in front of me and tell her that they could no longer speak to each other. His words "I don't see any reason to further humiliate her". I can't get over this part. Why do I have to care about HER feelings? I have to admit that I don't believe that it's over between them. Nothing is stopping him from creating a new email account and making sure he deletes all his texts. I asked him if he would believe himself and he agreed, probably not. I don't know what hurts more really. The betrayal itself or the way he treated me afterwards when I found out. He completely lashed out at me saying the most awful, hurtful things. His whole attitude was that I was a big meanie and he was this petulant child who was being forced to do things he didn't want to do. Like it was MY fault that I don't trust him! It's my fault that I can't just take his word for it AGAIN that he won't talk to her and the relationship is over.

It's really strange because, when I'm not thinking about it, our relationship is great. We have a really great time together and look like this model married couple who has it all figured out. The problem is, I kow it's a lie.

I usually am the one to make big grand plans for our anniversary. Not this year. This year I barely acknowledged it while he sent a bouquet of flowers to my workplace. I felt like an ungrateful bitch because I hated everyone coming by and admiring them and saying what a sweet husband I have. I feel like when he does things like that, maybe he's trying to make it better. But then I remember that he wouldn't do the one thing that I needed. I threw the flowers out. On one hand I want to make this better but on the other, I don't think it can get better. I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't the person I thought he was and let go.

I'm sorry for the ramble. I just needed to get that out. I know I don't post much but I do read and anything useful I have to add has already been said.

Peace


Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

Remember

On one hand I want to make this better

You cannot make this better on your own.

Hurtful words, being pissy about passwords and being transparent are signs of a spouse that doesn't get it. He is either still in the A or still hurting from losing his fantasy. Either one, are not R friendly.

IMO- You are only 2 months out. You need to stop worrying about how to fix things and start working on you. Work on your self esteem, get some IC, take a yoga class, reconnect with friends.

The more you take care of and love yourself the less of an issue he will be. Let him fix himself. Make him get into IC and start working on him. Until you have 2 people that are healed with clear heads R is one mis-step after another.

It's ok to walk the next few months on your own. If he wants to R, really wants it then he will do the work. Taking care of you and making sure your needs are met will make you stronger and more able to decide what you really want for your future...2 months out, your head is still spinning. It isn't time for decisions yet.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i concur with karmahappens. Take care of yourself.

I said to WH "you don't buy me flowers anymore" so he shows up with flowers... and I want to throw them in the trash. SO SO SO hard.

Get the IC in addition to MC. It will be a huge help.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
altehpwn
♀ New Member
Member # 39173
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, got the phone bills today and her number was on his phone again. It was really nice of him to call her to wish her a happy mother's day. He says he was just offering her advice on how to deal with her "douchy" ex husband. I asked him for advice on how to deal with my "douchy" current husband. Productive? Probably not but I felt better for saying it out loud to him.

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((altehpwn))))

I'm so sorry and I am so friggin angry for you.

I would love to see you put his shit in Hefty bags and leave them on OW's doorstep - tell her she can have his KISA ass. But I know it's not that simple...

As the others said - take care of YOU - implement the 180 and keep talking to us.

He's cake-eating. Close the bakery. You cannot force him to do anything...so focus on your life without him in it for now.

I'm so sorry.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5078 | Registered: May 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh bullshit......I agree with la la. Hefty bag his stuff and take care of you. I did and it made his head spin. Don't let him do this to you. At the very least 180!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you don't have to close on the house. ..... you know that, right? I wouldn't be making that kind of Financial jump with what he is pulling.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
altehpwn
♀ New Member
Member # 39173
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to close or I'm homeless. However, I have been doing some calculating and I'm pretty sure I can afford it on my own.

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been doing some calculating and I'm pretty sure I can afford it on my own.

Please do that sweetie. Hey, down the road if things change, you can always add him onto the note. Please don't entangle yourself into any more debt with him right now - especially one of this magnitude.

((((HUGS))))


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5078 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 9

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