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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stuck in R, but better than before. Help
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we have made some great steps forward as far as our relationship. However, I feel like I'm still suck in the pain. She's stuck in Guilt. Because of work and the business of life, it's hard to make significant steps forward. We only have the weekend and then we end up talking about the subject again and again. What do we do?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have any sort of guide for your conversations? Or is it just a free for all of negativity?

Do you take the time to look at what you are grateful for? Do you talk about the positive changes you each see? Do you talk about hopesnd dreams? Do you set goals to work toward?

We have set up a set of inventory questions we ask each other most nights. Most of them are positive focused. The negative seems to come naturally. The positive needs a little JumpStart.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
jojo42
♀ Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico, can you share those?


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure, we started doing this over a year ago. In that time we have added questions, dropped questions, re worded questions to get to what we needed at the time. When we started there were like 13 questions. We are now down to 4.

1. What did I do for healing and growth today?

2. What feelings did I have today and why?

3a. How did I see you honor me today?
b. How did you honor me that I did not notice?
c. How could you have honored me?

4. What am I grateful for today?

[This message edited by Chicho at 11:02 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
Almost12Years
♀ Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are great, Chicho - do you happen to still have all 13?


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is good. I need more positive stuff that enhances R. I'm tired of spinning my wheels in pain and making backwards steps. Doesn't help.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, we write the answers in a journal so we can look back and track our process. When I get home tonight I will post the older questions.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much time are you guys spending together? You said you only have the weekends. I'd try to make some adjustments to change that.

When in early recovery, we spent 20 hours a week together. No kids, no tv, no movies. Cooking and cleaning together counts. Talking counts. Running errands together counts. Dates count. Times when you are stuck are times to think outside the box and move mountains to keep things progressing. Try to ramp up the time you spend interacting, and do try to limit how much of that time is affair talk vs. making new memories. You have to make good, new memories to layer over the bad.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5864 | Registered: Jan 2011
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC gave us a simple exercise to do at the end of the day. We tell eachother 1 thing we appreciate about the other person. Also our MC encouraged us to continue speaking to eachother through our love languages (5 love languages).


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather - Thank you for that. Yes, weeknights we do spend together. She's so mentally drained that A talks are not good. However, we do workout together, cook together, run errands at night purposely together. Sometimes even grab a drink :)


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicho - Don't forget the 13 questions please. :)


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just thinking I forgot to post them and I was stalking your recent posts to remember where to post it and here it is on page 1.

Here are the other questions that have come/gone:

Was today a good day?

What am I grateful for?

Did we spend family time?

What have I left undone today?

What did I do that I wish I had not done?

Was there fear in my life today?

Was I obsessed?

Was I happy/serene?

How did I see you honor me today?

How did you honor me that I did not see?

How could you have honored me?

Were my needs met Physical/Emotional/Material?

What feelings did I have today and why?

What have I done for growth and healing today?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
Almost12Years
♀ Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saw this - thanks, Chicho!


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 13

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