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Newest Member: datehimhatehim (45059)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you handle differences in recollections
sicktomy
♂ Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post that is not on the waywar side because this is more of a relationship issue but it has made is worse since my affair. Please note that my BS will likely read this and might even comment as she is a member here.
This is not a new issue but definately it's bigger since I betrayed my wife. I am curious how other people handle these things.
Throughout our relationship there are many instances of us not remembering the conversation the same way. Sometimes I am fuzzy about details and she is 100% sure so take her word for it. Other times it's the opposite. The problem is when we both think we remember exactly what happened or what was discussed but our stories don't match. Example: we discuss something a few times in a light hearted sort of way (my opinion) but a few months later it comes back that I am unwilling to do something and that she has to beg for me to do something. The problem seems to be me not realizing how a important an issue is and her not realizing I didn't understand.
Another example would be me remembering I said or did something and her not and accusing me of not telling her something.
I know my wife likely has many other examples of me doing the exact same thing to her so this isn't about blame.
Is this a normal part of every relationship, what can we do? We have set guildlines to keeping our marriage safe and one of them is "tell the other partner or needs clearly" but even with that stuff can slip through.
Is this a normal part of every relationship?


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I run into the same thing. We both try to stop and think how important these details are in the big R picture. After we realize this, oftentimes we will still disagree about what the detail was, but we try to remember we are on the same team and trying to heal.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like my marriage. The thing that has concerned me is when I have evidence, pictures, emails etc and she had denied it. For example years ago she got mad at me and smashed my laptop. I have pictures and yet she denies that she did it.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I have often remembered things differerently throughout our marriage. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree. We both feel it's more important for us to be on the same team than for either of us to be "right".
ETA: Post dday being right is much less important to me so I'm likely to concede unless I'm very sure and it's important for us.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 8:38 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that is pretty normal. How's the old saying go? You can either be right or you can be married? Something like that.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3959 | Registered: Dec 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's typical for different people to remember different things about an event they both experienced.

IMO, the best you can do is to do your best reconstructing your own memories in the light of your partner's memories.It goes both ways, since the different memories indicate uncertainty about what really happened.

Of course, if one or both parties is lying about their memories, all bets are off.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10165 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this can be a really easy issue or utterly massive. First, it comes down to communication styles. As you move toward healing, you both will have to address how you communicate to one another. I think this is an area for MC.

How we have chosen to handle this, is first, my husband dealt with his conflict avoidance. This caused him to agree to do things or make arrangements with me that he sorta never really had any intention of carring out. So, that fixed things mightily.

Additionally, we made an agreement that we both came to our conversations with good intent. Neither of us had any desire to harm the other, so we enter into disagreements with that belief, instead of another, such as "that asshole meant to do this!" This helps diffuse disagreements because they don't become power struggles, they become opportunties to figut out where the disconnect is and how to fix it.

In order to make your communications effective, it is likely you will both need to dig down and figure out the root causes. Miscommunication and disagreements happen - we are human. My husband and I can say or hear the exact same sentence and get totally different meanings. It doesn't mean one of us is right and the other is wrong. It means we are different, and treating one another with respect while we figure out where the wire got crossed is critical to finding an effective solution.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6489 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 7

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