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User Topic: I'm not a nice person anymore..
41andthankful
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Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by 41andthankful at 7:42 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way much of the time. I actually broke some stuff a few days ago. It wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be though. I am much much much less tolerant of trivial stuff right now too. Oh and I want to do evil things to the OW. I hate having the darkness in my heart...

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the root of this anger/rage is a deep deep hurt.

I'm ashamed to admit I slapped the sad clown hard in the face. I hated myself for it - not for what it did to him but what it did to me. I have never been physical with anyone in my life nor do I intend to ever go there again.

Are you in IC? A good IC can give you exercises/tools to deal with the anger. I dealt with mine by suppressing it and rugsweeping as hard as he did. I don't recommend that path.

Try to focus on not hurting you.

IMO harsh words are understandable. Infidelity is a form of abuse - one of the ugliest IMO.

Focus on you - not on him.

((41andthankful))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
41andthankful
♀ Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catchy I so get the darkness in the heart feeling.

Strong I am deeply hurt. To think of how I was disrespected when I've carried myself like he was right beside me. Seeing the conversations he had with ow about me. Wasn't enough that he was disrespecting himself being with her.... Did he really have to drag me into it? Share me with her when she was such a well kept secret?
He is so shocked by how I relate to him now he is afraid to even eat something I cook! ( I secretly laugh at this and purposely cook his favorites) see! Just mean. I just found a new counsellor I hope it helps.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm tired and angry all the time. He doesn't know that I know about his EA ... He calls me "miss crabby" in text to OW ... well I wonder why! I hate feeling like this.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Darkonius
♂ Member
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can really relate to this, but I don't have any advice on how to help with it.

I used to be a very laid back easy going fun-loving guy that everyone loved. Now my heart is filled with darkness and hatred. I spew venom and bile when I speak, I have no patience or tolerance for anyone or anything especially concerning my WW. I say mean things, and stir up drama for no reason at all. I have never wished true harm on anyone in y life, but I would laugh my ass off and dance on his grave at his funeral if the OM were to die tomorrow. I hate what I have become, I don't like this new me that I have been forged into and I am trying desperately to find my balance again.


Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
Children:None
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
DDay#3:3/4/2013
Married:19yrs
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate. I don't know your story or how far from DDay you are....but start doing things that make you happy so you can start remembering what life was like before this crap fell on your lap.

Remember, his bad behavior doesn't define who you are. His A doesn't make or break you. You are who you are...that's what makes you...YOU!

It's normal to view things through a different lens now. Everything you feel is normal. Just give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself. Anger is normal....but don't let it take over your life.

Right now the way I'm dealing with this is to look at my WS like a broken and scared little boy. While the anger is still there...I see him as a sick person. If I'm constantly acting angry or ugly toward him, it just makes me angry and ugly...it doesn't help the situation. I want him to know that I'm hurt and disappointed, but if I just treat him with anger and disgust then I'm not doing anything to help either of us. If I want him to be a better man because of this, then I need to treat him like someone who has the capacity to change...even though what he has done makes me want to ring his neck.

Try to remember the reasons you loved him in the first place and see if you can carve out some time to enjoy yourself when you are alone and enjoy his company when you are with him. Sometimes I feel guilty when I enjoy his company because I feel like a chump...then other times I feel like I don't want this thing to define my life or my relationship with him. He is the father of my child after all. I don't like myself when I turn into the angry ugly lady...so I try to curb that as much as possible just to keep the peace.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 372 | Registered: Apr 2013
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to balance it all out by doing random acts of kindness elsewhere. I just sent someone that I do charity work with a bouquet of flowers from a "secret admirer" because she is amazing and young and poor and deserves it. :)

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
41andthankful
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Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said mean doesn't look right on me. He hates that he is the reason. He never would have imagined me saying some of the things I've said. I never imagined him lying and betraying us the way he did.

I don't like what I've become nor how his a changed my outlook on life. Keep me in your thoughts. I must find away to find the joyful me again. Who knew another person could change your world so dramatically?

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Share me with her when she was such a well kept secret?

I literally gasped out loud when I read this.

THIS is exactly how I felt when my fiance told me about his "friend". Told me that he "told her all about" me, that she knew my name, knew what I did for a living, knew what my schedule was....


I was like "How can this person know so much about me, when I haven't ever even heard her name before today?"

That hurt so much.


Posts: 3383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
BlindSighted2013
♀ New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am right there with ya at the moment 41. I can't even say that I think about hurting my WH with my words until sometime later when I'm re-hashing what we said. I guess I've felt that my anger is a natural consequence of his choices.

The other day a TT came out about a time that he had gotten her car repaired for her. That had been one of the ?'s that I asked about during the first two weeks post D-day, and he had said no, he had not worked on her car. But OH MY...the TRUTH was that he had arranged for the repair and then had hired someone else to do it...so nope, HE had not worked on her car. I turned bitch in 0.005 seconds and hurled a glass across the room and broke the ceiling fan globe. And it felt GOOD!

Remember, his bad behavior doesn't define who you are. His A doesn't make or break you.

I sooooo needed to read this right now.


If I want him to be a better man because of this, then I need to treat him like someone who has the capacity to change...even though what he has done makes me want to ring his neck.

Verrry well said.


D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH tells me that I sound angry all the time when he talks to me...I don't think I have said anything nice to him in quite a while..
He tells me I am bitter I tell him to deal with it because he made me this way


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son told me the other day - "Mom, when people call you, you are all - 'Hi, how are you' in a happy voice."

"But when it is dad, you just say 'hello' in a different voice."

I have been so rejected by him and so disconnected from him - first his choice, and now mine.

Its true - I do not look forward to his calls. Sometimes I think, "Here I am almost enjoying my life and he has to call!"

And sometimes I still have that small part of me that craves connection with who he used to be, and I just wonder what will be the negative outcome of THIS conversation - either something negative, or just the same lack of connection that has sucked the life out of me.

But also for me, my change in 'outlook' on life affects many more aspects of my life. Short tempered with drive-thru idiots that can't get the order right; just anyone who doesn't 'get it' - whatever 'it' may be at that particular time.

In other words, anyone who doesn't live their life not to 'bother' me. How pathetic.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:48 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm no longer the same person I was pre D-Day.

I don't say the same sweet nothings to my WW that I once did. I don't go out of my way to touch her, initiate intimacy, give her massages, or any of that. I turn into a real beast around the anti-versary date that her A began. I can be stone-hearted and cold, but I just don't care anymore.

I morphed into someone completely unlike who I was pre D-Day.


Posts: 324 | Registered: May 2010
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, I am so glad I found this thread! I really hate what I am like now. So much sadness that I'm not even down to my anger yet but no, I am not nice. I used to have an overwhelming gratitude for my life even when facing some serious challenges but now it is difficult to find that for even a minute or two without thinking about his A.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Markay81
♀ New Member
Member # 39387
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so not anywhere nice anymore. When I found out the OW H slapped her. I didn't even feel bad. The very 1st thought that ran through my head was "probably because she is a "not nice name". That shocked me because I have always believed no one had a right to put their hands on anyone with harmful intent. But I just cannot feel bad for this woman. She willingly helped destroy my life, my family. So yes right now I am a awful person with awful thoughts.


Ugh! Sometimes reality sucks.
BS (me) 31
WH (him) 33
OW - married Bar Whore Rig Rat
Married 14 years
3 amazing kids
DDay-3/03/2013 TT.The whole truth came out(hopefully) 06/09/2013
Currently on the roller coaster of R.

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't spend too much time thinking about the OW. She is not worth my energy but I am really struggling not to want my WH to suffer and that is just not like me. I hate that so much of the joy I had in my heart is gone and that I no longer care about his happiness.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not a nice person anymore either. Just like you I was happy with my life before the A. Now I am often antisocial, bitter, angry, you name it...Nothing like the person I was before I learned that he was having a LTA with an old GF of his. She also knew everything about me and I didn't even know she existed. I think that is one of the reasons I am so hurt now. He shared me with her, but didn't/won't tell me anything her. He even lied about where she lived to me. She knows where I live, she slept in my bed, ate at my table, went through my personal things, petted my dog, drove my vehicles, etc..It just makes me so angry that he could betray me like that to a skanky tramp who wanted my life. I think I could have dealt with it better if all she knew was he was married. My 1st husband was also a WS, but a different kind of wayward ( drunken ONS and EA). It was so much easier to get over those type A's than this for me. This has turned me into someone that I don't want to be. Now I have to climb back out of the hole he dug for us and try to salvage what little pride I have left and try to find me again. It is soooo unfair. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto, 41. When the person you trusted most in the world betrays you (in my case, repeatedly over 11 months), it changes your outlook on life. You become angry, sad, and less trusting of humanity. If you can't trust your spouse, then who? I'm hoping this is a temporary condition. I'd love to find joy in life again.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
41andthankful
♀ Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I'm not alone. I got a p.o. Box today to mail out 'hope this brightens your day' cards to random people. Calling it the back to nice. Wanted a project to include my dd. Maybe I'll get some of my nice back. Thanks all for responding.

[This message edited by 41andthankful at 3:39 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
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