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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How could I not forgive, was it really his fault?
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I laughed.

I mean it's true though isn't it? My FWH has said to me, he didn't ever think I would find out. It was something he was going to take to his grave. He should have been more careful then. But really...I do believe he didn't "intend" to hurt me directly. But his actions obviously hurt me, even before I found out because of him living a double life obviously strained our marriage significantly/horrifically.

The road to heaven is paved with good intentions.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey FL123 ( I did not read the other responses, I apologize if this is redundant)

My had W undiagnosed depression which ultimately was a contributing factor that brought me here. Awhile after Dday she got really bad to the point her IC was afraid for her safety. Long sad story.

It is like a double edged sword. It may set the stage, explain their frame of mind, but did not cause them to do it. In other words it is not very far away from saying that the disease made them do it. It becomes a convenient excuse to shift blame away from them.

Whenever my W starts on this path I correct her. In a nice way. It was not a choice to be depressed, but it was a choice to deal with it by seeking validation.

Everybody has choices to make. Those choices determine the course of our lives through the outcomes or more simply consequences.

The short answer is yes it was his fault. It was my Ws fault too. They made the choices that brought unbearable pain into our lives. They did not choose their illness, but certainly they can choose how they decide to manage it.

I begged my W to seek help. She did not. She drank too much, worked too much, projected her illness on to me and ultimately choose to have a ONS and lie to me about it for 3 years.

The choices she made are hers to own. I need her to do that. I do not need to forgive her for her illness, nor do I want to. I will, at some point, need to forgive her for the way she choose to deal with that illness. That is my choice to make.

A lot of people have Depression and can't get away from it. They can however decide how they deal with it. The choices they make are theirs and theirs alone.

ETA: A lot of WS say they did not intend to hurt their BS. They probably didn't, but if that is supposed to make us feel better, it is just another justification and a sucky one at that.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 1:57 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I chuckled too...

My husband used depression as an initial excuse too. My depression! He said that when my mom passed suddenly in 2003 that I became depressed. I know I was sad but I was still functioning. I worked, took care of kids/house, we had sex, etc. I didn't know I was "depressed".

He said that he didn't know how to help me so he started to avoid me - began visiting seemingly innocent forums. There he met OW#1 who told him that sex was just physical and he could have sex with her and still love me. Three weeks later - he did. That was in 2006 - 3 years after Mom died. He let me stay "depressed" all that time without helping me?

He also said "I never meant to hurt you." Really? Two years After I found out about OW#1 and I forgave him, he intentionally walked into a store, pulled out our joint bank card and bought a box of condoms - just in case he was ever in a situation that he might need them. He hid them in his van and his cubicle at work!

Three OWs (and countless inappropriate conversations with an alphabet soup of women) later - we were separated and on the verge of divorce. Only now, in R, did I find out the extent of his adventures during my "depression".

He used MY so-called depression as an excuse to fuck around the first time. The other 5 years of inappropriate behavior was just because he could.

If he didn't intend to hurt me, it was because I was nowhere in his head at the time. I was totally forgotten. Which also hurts to know!

But the bottom line is: it's all just excuses. Stop making excuses for him and make him own his actions. Only then should forgiveness even be on the table for discussion.

Just my 2 cents!

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 2:14 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suffer from severe depression.

At one point I've attempted suicide ( years ago)

I've NEVER cheated.

Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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