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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What's your attitude regarding your heart?
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Question  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I have two options:

1) Be on guard for another A.
2) Trust again and see what happens.
3) Other.

Where are all of you?

All I know is I got burned and my guard is up big time. Only 7 months out...Gonna give it a year and see how I feel then...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I have two options:
1) Be on guard for another A.
2) Trust again and see what happens.
3) Other.

I like your Math

Seriously, if I were doing number (1) then I would leave as I cannot spend my life waiting for FWH to have another A. That is like spending my life waiting to die instead of using it to live the life I have!

Number (2) is the healthier option but with a proviso initially... Trust but verify.

Trust but verify worked for me during the early days post Dday BUT... to be honest... as we had gone through months of false R... as soon as he begged to R I saw the difference in him and saw how far he was now willing to go to save the M and how much he was prepared to push to get the IC he so (obviously) needed. This change showed me so much about where his heart was at and that made it easier to take the trust but verify stance.

I still see him striving to be the husband he needs to be which also makes my decision to continue trusting him a good one.

As I said earlier... if I have to police him and his whereabouts then I would rather walk away as I am not a police officer and do not want to spend my life playing private detective!!

so> out of your 2 choices I choose option 3 which is trust yes but add verification to this!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

errr.

Thanks. I was only going to put two options, but I figured there should be an "other" category for new ideas.

Nice, I like your idea of trust and verify.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still fairly new in this process but I believe in trust but verify. On the weekend, I triggered badly and ended up going through fWH's car while he was sleeping. Emptied the glove compartments, rummaged and moved everything in the trunk, checked under all the seats, side pockets....you get the idea. There was nothing to be found and on Sunday, when I had calmed down, I was able to talk about the trigger and we dealt with it. When fWH went to work this morning, he saw the mess I had made and put everything away. He called me on the way to work, not angry, but to check that everything was okay and whether I needed to talk more about the weekend. His reaction to this give me another reason to believe that we are truly in R. Every time that I check his car, email, credit card statements, bank accounts and find nothing, gives me another reason to trust him. I do check less frequently than at the beginning but I will likely continue checking for a long time.

Hope this helps.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every day i feel like i get stabbed in the heart again.

He's trying to comfort me, and he doesn't run away when i cry. But this is the same man that did those disgusting things with all of those other women.

I feel like i'll never trust and love like i did in the past,


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel you.
A year later I'm still unsure.
I love my WH. I'm hoping R works but I'm ske


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops.

I'm skeptical.

My heart has been broken. My walls are up and my thoughts wander - all the time.

I so badly want to trust. I've always been too trusting though.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You break, it you buy it"


Would that work for "other"?

Because I'm thinking that if it happens again, it is gonna get expensive.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no sense being on guard. I didn't cause them to happen in the past. I am not going to be the one to stop them in the future. I am completely powerless. Either its going to happen again or its not. If it does happen again, what real difference will it make if I catch it a few days in or six months in? It will still have happened.

I hate verifying. It makes me feel dirty inside. It's not me so I no longer put myself through it on a regular basis. If my gut is really screaming or things don't add up I will check for peace of mind. But routine checks just for the sake of checking are long gone. What will be will be.

I don't know if it should be considered trust or indifference or acceptance of reality. But whatever it is it is letting go


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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