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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help! Plastic surgery after 4 mos of finding out about affair?
AmberN
♀ New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out (February 16, 2013) that my fears of my husband's affair were founded. He came clean after a 6 month affair with a woman who was also married. I had been confronting him with suspicions since September 2012. I found out many, many things in February. I recovered deleted texts and broke into the fake email account they set up. I talked to her as well. I knew she was a liar when she met with me in November trying to convince me nothing was going on...even trying to befriend me. Anyway, we have a 3 and a 4 year old and have been together since I was 17 (now 31). We decided to work it out. Recently he received a big bonus and I had talked about getting a mommy makeover for years. I have a tummy tuck and breast augmentation scheduled for next Tuesday. I'm wondering if anyone feels like I may be acting out of desperation...I want him to find me attractive. I want out marriage to work but I can't decide if I am going under the knife for the right reasons...I am to go pay the remainder of the money TODAY. I need opinions please! I am still emotionally fragile and my primary care physician thinks I may be doing this for him and not me. I've been having stress reactions like hives, etc. I lost 40 lbs in the last couple months after finding out. I feel like I am beginning to put the pieces back together but still so unsure about anything. I feel like the one thing I was always so sure of was ripped away. Am I trying to fill a hole that can't be filled by what I'm about to do?

[This message edited by AmberN at 11:47 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had talked about getting a mommy makeover for years. I have a tummy tuck and breast augmentation scheduled for next Tuesday.
So the idea wasn't a post-dday one, correct? Was the surgery already scheduled ahead of dday?

If you are having serious doubt about your motivations, put the surgery off. It can always be rescheduled, right?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24393 | Registered: Aug 2011
KVille
♀ Member
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you have wanted this for years I would go thru with it. I had both of those done and I am happy with it.

Only you can decide what you want. Do it for you not him.


never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said it was something you had considered for years , so its something you wanted to do . That said why not do something for you! If it makes you feel better you gave him two kids and you should be proud of that . I think it's alway partially for our spouse but mostly for us because we want to like what we see in the mirror just because we're mom doesn't mean we can improve ourselves in whatever way we see fit. I say go for it.



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
AmberN
♀ New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did talk about it several years beforehand. The surgery was scheduled months after I found out. I just don't know if I feel good about my motivation for it at this point. But I have talked about it since having my son 3.5 yrs ago.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
AmberN
♀ New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the reassurance! I just don't feel like I make any of the right decisions since this happened. My mind has just not felt right since I heard the words come out of his mouth. I feel so worn.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can guarantee you it won't fill the hole where infidelity is involved. But I agree with the others, if it was something you wanted to do - then do it for you. Maybe it will help to remind yourself that in the end, should you decide he is unworthy - you can always take your flat tummy and glorious boob-age on down the road.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go do it!! Best thing is to do things that make you happy.
I say do it..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Amber)))
If you are unsure about the surgery, I would recommend holding off for a bit. This is an optional thing. It's not like it is lifesaving.

Being under the tremendous stress of the early days of R, and the rapid weight loss you have had, you may have trouble with healing, and be more susceptible to infection. Your immune system is worn down just like the rest of you.

A tummy tuck is a pretty big surgery, and from what I have been told hurts like hell initially. I would say give yourself some time, when your weight stabilizes, and you are able to eat and drink normally again, schedule it.

I get wanting to look better, and feel better about anything right now. If you are questioning your reasoning why right now, then hold off.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lyonesse
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Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was surprised how many people said "go for it," because my immediate reaction was "don't do it!" At least not now.

My feeling is that so soon after d-day, I didn't need anything that would make me feel bad or vulnerable. Presumably healing from this surgery is going to be uncomfortable.

Conversely, I don't think I would undergo any non-emergency surgery at a time when I was not at a good place emotionally. All the extra stress of the A is just going to make it harder to heal physically. Betrayal is a shock to the body, not just the emotional system.

I would take your H's bonus and put it in a separate account, to be spent on something for YOU whenever you decide what that will be. For me, it took about a year before I felt strong enough to make any decisions at all.

If you have any doubts at all, why not take your time until you feel you really want to go ahead with this???


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1774 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
KeepCalm_CarryOn
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Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Tushnurse. If you're having second thoughts, hold off for awhile. It's not like the surgeon won't be there when you're truly ready. It also makes me a little nervous that none of the docs are concerned with the rapid weight loss and the hives. While they are stress reactions to things happening to/around you- they can affect your recovery.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1986 | Registered: Sep 2011
libertyrocks
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Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted the same after Dday, but I got hair extensions instead. LOOOVE em! Do what makes YOU happy, but I would also be weary of recovery process, it might make your sadness worse...But, that's just me...Good luck Amber!


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 year+ false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 and for good Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.

Posts: 909 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Postpone the surgery.

If you ever have doubts about undergoing an elective procedure... postpone.

Your surgeon will understand. He does NOT want to operate on someone who is under the level of emotional duress you are under.

You can have it done 2 years from now when you know who you are and what you want out of life.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

even if you wanted it prior to the A, you seem to be having doubts. Wait until you're sure it's for you.

If you have to- look at it as rewarding him for his behavior. Instead, wait until you know you want it for you.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10984 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think anyone would have last minute jitters, A or no A. Going under the knife is a stressful thing to do and you're already under a lot of stress. If you've done your research, have a surgeon with a good reputation and you have good after surgery support, it's probably fine. On the other hand, if it's adding to your stress, maybe you should postpone.

Let us know how it goes if you go through with it. I'm not sure I could do it. It sounds a bit scary. You might want to try less drastic mommy makeovers first. Botox, laser resurfacing (or whatever it's called) new clothes.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You had planned for it. Jitters near surgery are normal.
If it was me, I'd go for it.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
starstruck
♀ Member
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would hold off until I was in a better place emotionally. It is not an easy surgery and you need to be in good health to heal properly!
((((hugs))))


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 322 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a procedure done about two years after dday.... and I don't regret any of it! I had wanted it for a long time and if I had put it off it would have just been one more thing to add to the list of things I wanted in life and didn't get!

I say if it is something you have wanted to feel better about yourself for a long time just do it.... I could not be happier I went ahead, even not being sure about our future....
If this was being done to try to improve the marriage I would say no, but if it's something you have been wanting, then do it! So many times we women put off the things we know we would like for a million different reasons.... if you can answer these questions then go for it...
Would you want to do this still if an A had never happened?
Would it make you feel better both inside and out?
Are you doing it to save the M?
Will you feel resentful and like your needs were not important in the relationship if you don't do this?
Only you can decide... I can only speak for myself and I don't regret having my procedure!


Posts: 1173 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Chicky
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Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were already planning to do it so I say go for it. Not for him or anyone else but FOR YOU!


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
AmberN
♀ New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really appreciate all the feedback. I can ask friends and family but (thankfully) none of them know the position that I'm in bc they have not been through it. This site is such a blessing and I know I didn't find it by accident today! Thanks all :) So great to find a supportive bunch willing to help out with some great advice! Love and prayers to you all!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
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