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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I contact other BS
bizzygirl
♀ New Member
Member # 39045
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here is the issue:

My WH works with OW. They unfortunately still work in the same area. We are trying to change this but it is not an easy task. Anyway, the OW has not told her BH about the A. I have said that I was going to contact him because he has the right to know what went on. Secondly, she is still carrying a torch for my H even though he has told her in no uncertain terms that he did not want any contact from her. The NC includes work related issues. He has told her to ask others and not to speak with him. SHe has recently started following him to his gym (he has now changed gyms) and she attempted to strike up conversations with him. My H does not want me to contact the other BH because he fears that other BH will come to work and make a scene or actually attempt to harm him. Other BH is not the most stable with his temper. I think that if other BH knew, he might be able to curtail the contact attempts by the OW.

Not sure what to do here..advice?


BW (ME):43
WH:44
DDAY:08/13/2012-MCOW(6MONTH EA & 3MONTH PA)
MARRIED 16 YRS- TOGETHER 23 YRS
2 DS
R'ING

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Indianapolis IN
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know her BH is unstable? Because the OW told your WH? Or because your WH told you? This is a very common lie made up by waywards to prevent the BS from telling the OBS.

The man has a right to know what has happened in his marriage. It will also add another set of eyes to the situation. And,yes,it will help in stopping the OW from trying to contact your WH.

Do not tell your WH that you're going to tell..just do it. Call him so you know you spoke to the right person.

As for the OBH coming to work and making a scene..well..now Im guessing people at work already know about the affair...so any "scene" would be caused by the affair happening in the first place..not the BH confronting your WH.

Interesting how NOW your WH is worried about his reputation and his safety. NOW that the affair may come out and he will have consequences..but not when he was getting the "rewards" of an affair.

Tell her husband. he deserves to know. Don't tell your WH first,he will warn the OW.

Also..another reason to tell...you only know what your WH is telling you..and he has shown you he is capable of great deception. Telling the OBS is a way of protecting yourself from a false R. It makes the affair that much harder to take underground.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:03 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sarahm49
♀ Member
Member # 37351
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell, tell, tell, tell, tell!
Wouldn't you want to know?
Doesn't he deserve to know?
Read around this forum. Lots of us have told the BS and nothing bad happens.


BS:Me 50
WH:50
D-Day Oct 20,2012
TT until final disclosure Dec 21, 2012 at polygraph.
Married 24 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Ontario
bizzygirl
♀ New Member
Member # 39045
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused...Thanks for your advice.

I know that the other BH is unstable because I have met him on several occasions. My H and the OW have worked for the same company for several years and we have seen each other at outings. He is not a very nice guy on the best of days.

I agree whole heartedly that the OBS has the right to know about the A. But I would not want to jeopordize anyones safety(including OW).
Should I do it Anonymously without using any specific names?

As a side note, my WH has said that if I need to tell OBS he understands and will deal with the consequences.

[This message edited by bizzygirl at 10:16 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


BW (ME):43
WH:44
DDAY:08/13/2012-MCOW(6MONTH EA & 3MONTH PA)
MARRIED 16 YRS- TOGETHER 23 YRS
2 DS
R'ING

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Indianapolis IN
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell the BH. If your hubby gets a beat down, nothing personal, but that is part of the risk he took. If he loses his job, that is part of the risk. The sooner he fully internalizes what risks he took the better.

The other person needs to know.

My W had an A with a "co-worker." If I have a regret it is not telling their employer. I would do that too.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it anonymously. he deserves to know the who,what,when,and where,just like every other BS.

Tell. Your BH said he would deal with the consequences..so let him. if you protect him from ANY of the consequences of his affair,he will not realize the full gravity of what he has done..and may possibly do it again.
And,if you don't tell,then in some ways,you are keeping a secret for the OW. You are protecting her from the consequences of her actions.

This woman waged war on your family. She had no concern for you or your children(if you have any). She is still targeting your husband. This is no time to be complacent. OW is being aggressive..you need to act now and stop her.


Doing it anonymously also means he is more likely to disregard it as gossip.

Oh..and YOU are not jeopardizing anyone's safety. You did not have the affair...his wife did...your WH did. You are not responsible for anyone's actions other than your own. Telling the truth is always the right thing to do.

Also,I see this was a PA..that's even more reason to tell him...he needs to be tested for STD's.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:29 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same opinion as my original post, but I wanted to comment on this:

As a side note, my WH has said that if I need to tell OBS he understands and will deal with the consequences.

Seems to be a good sign that he is willing to accept what he did and the consequences of it.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4 possible outcomes:

1. You don't tell. OBH never finds out. Nothing happens. You keep dealing with OW.

2. You tell. OBH is not unstable. Does nothing to your WH. OW becomes history.

3. You tell. OBH is unstable and makes a scene at your WH's work. OW becomes history.

4. You don't tell. OBH finds out. OBH is unstable and comes after you for not telling AND your WH at work.

I am sorry. But chances are the BH will find out some day. If he is truly unstable, then I would want to know exactly when he finds out and be prepared.

But you know what? If he was that unstable, OW would have been afraid to cheat... just saying.

Tell her husband.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has a right to know what his wife was doing. Wouldn't you want to know if the tables were turned?

You could tell him with a proviso that he does NOT take unlawful action against your FWH and that you have him in hand already.

I agree with the others- if the A started at work then they probably already know anyway.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2009
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Josephine brings up a great point. Chances are,if you don't tell,some day BH will find out about the affair. OW will slip up,or someone she told will tell him. And then OBH will confront your WH. if you tell him now,then you won't be sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't know about my FWH's A until the OW's BH made the first move...twice. I will be forever grateful for him trying to reach out to me and for him trying to save his family. After I found out, NC happened immediately. I even handed the phone to my FWH forcing him to talk to the OW's BH. I know my FWH apologized.

If it was you who didn't know, would you want the OW's BH to tell you?


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Jul 2005
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems that your WH wasn't too concerned with OBS's instability during the A ... It was a risk he was willing to take - a gamble that didn't pay off.

He deserves to know the truth. It's the right thing to do.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 12

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