" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro
Are you in MC?
Only you can decide if it is worth trying to R.
Please be cautious though.
I think your confusion about your feelings for him is normal, and that time and distance will help suss that out: what is love, what is need, what is fear, what is habit.... You want to consider too that sometimes we have to walk away from people we sincerely love because they are truly bad for us, and incapable of reciprocating love, or fidelity.
Meanwhile, your caution, and inability to trust makes perfect sense. I would watch his actions, stay guarded, and not rush into anything. I would also have a secret VAR in his car: words are cheap -- so are secret cell phones.
That he has given you access is good but is NC a demand right now? Are there rules to this separation regarding what would be a dealbreaker that would result in your seeking D? I would think there ought to be very clear, black and white, rules and consequences laid out.
Is he searching for the reason he felt it was okay not only to cheat, but to take it underground for 2.5 more years while you were pregnant and caring for his child? What is it about him that made it okay to put you through that kind of hell?
Couldn't be more true and that's your gamble here. I would give yourself lots more time. If you have a roof over your head and a family who cares about you to stay with, take your time. Maybe both of you should try dating. Go out for 3-6 months, see if there's still a spark. No sex, no sleepovers, etc. At the end of the evening he drops you off. See what his true intentions are. If he's remorseful and wants you back, it will show over that time.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
We started dating after about 6.5 months of separation. He had not been with OW in 2 months. We took things slowly. Continued to keep the visitation schedule, support, etc. We did start having sex again - but no sleepovers. His first was Christmas Eve. Then New Year's Eve. After that it moved rather quickly. He finally moved home on February 21st.
Our reconciliation is going well considering. I still have days, like this past weekend, when I wonder why I'm still in this marriage. It's not because he's doing anything wrong. He's the picture perfect remorseful spouse. I just sometimes feel like I'm compromising my own values by taking him back after everything I know now. Part of my healing is accepting the past and looking to the future. It's just taking me time.
R is not a walk in the park. It's hard to come back together after separation and the special hell that creates. Both of you have to be willing to make your M your #1 priority - even above your son.
Unless one of you is in a hurry to remarry, there shouldn't be a big rush to get divorced. It's a big decision either way. Take your time and do what feels right to you. Don't try to label it or put pressure on yourself or him.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
I think it's for who he was once in my life and all he did for me, kind of happening when going down memory lane or something.
I think it takes a really long time to go away sometimes and can even be hidden deep within the hurt.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess