There is no hope for this relationship. And I believe it was NIK who said that loss of hope, is actually a blessing. It stops the hurt. WH has found a way to make it my fault...what I'm not willing to do for us, what my boundaries are, how I feel and how wrong it is. For a moment I wondered, what if I did it his way? And really the only reason left I think it is because of the kids. So I thought out that idea in my head and it went like this:
Ok, WH...you win. We are going to do this this your way. I will never mention again how much your job triggers, scares, and hurts me. You can stay there where OW is. And I will never ask you to support me when I'm scared. Because you can't handle the stress and I know that any stress makes it difficult for you to love me and show compassion. And I will not get angry at what you have done and how you have treated me. Because even if it is once every six months, you don't want to be reminded. Because if you are reminded, then you'll get mad and our reconciliation will go no where. I see how it's all my fault that I started it. And I promise to make sure you are ok everyday and hold in every single thing I feel until YOU are ready because I know that it makes everything else so difficult for you to handle. And even though you have not proven to me otherwise, I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt and hide away my hurt if you repeatedly do the same things that hurt me over and over. Because we can't live in the past. I promise to tell you I'm sad, but never show it because you're idea of how long or just how in general is different than mine.
Yeah...that got that idea out of my head quickly. And just how horrible he is to me. I'm so glad I thought it out.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:40 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]
What am I doing?
(((((TCD))))) You're doing great, honey.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
Big hugs.. (((((TCD)))))
Second thoughts are coming less and less but Ive had some bad bouts. What saved me was a document that I made up concerning my decision, with a promise to myself that I would NOT change my mind unless something cataclysmic happened that was evident to all the people who care about me. Dated and signed.
I actually let myself in to the marital house one diabolically lonely night and stood outside his bedroom door for half an hour, hand on knob, debating. In the end, my promise to myself, in writing, saved me. I left - he never knew I had been there.
I remember finding it harder and harder to keep lying to myself.
I also found it harder and harder to forgive myself for staying.
I knew I was rugsweeping as hard as he was - hope and fear had me holding on with my bare teeth.
His total lack of remorse was a gift - had he continued to fake it I might have endured several more years of False R and several more DDs.
Making a choice due to someones lack of personal character becomes a matter of survival
Sounds like wisdom is overtaking fear.
However, I have this feeling, deep down, and I can't really put my finger on what's going to happen with it. It's sadness, anger, frustration, hurt...all the things we feel about being betrayed. But it feels very cloaked...almost like if you plug your ears and everything is muffled. So I can't tell if its something that is bubbling up and one day I will have a breakdown. Or maybe it's just all those feelings dissipating now that I've really opened my eyes to who he is. I know I'm on a different roller coaster now and I'm scared for the next low and these feelings to burst. Maybe I will...maybe I won't...it's a really odd feeling.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
It's sadness, anger, frustration, hurt...all the things we feel about being betrayed. But it feels very cloaked.
I think this may be due to a lack of a sense of justice and closure. The above is a good description of what I felt as I began NC and proceeded with the D. Once my mind was set, I knew my course - but the emotions clung, like toxins, they were dug in and clinging deep down in hidden places. They need time to dissolve, to be pushed out, to be carried off and shed.
I never got to have "my say", to scream, yell, cry...
I could have, but that would have meant engaging with him, and he twisted everything, or tried to wrangle it into R on his terms (again much as you describe). It would not have been productive, and would likely have bitten me on the ass.
I think the best advice I got was to do something physical for the anger and to start filling your life with good things, for the pain...
I've had breakdowns here and there, but I knew they'd pass even as I was going through them. You got to go through it to get through it... ((TCD))
[This message edited by Take2 at 9:12 AM, June 10th (Monday)]