Were together 7+yrs, Ended R.
When he went to the conference where he had his A, he sent me photo texts all day long showing me which meetings he was in.
I also have passwords to everything so I can check emails, his skype, etc.
Could he make up new emails and skype names? Sure, but I am confident he hasn't.
In the nearly 10 mths since D-Day I have really struggled each time he has slept away from home. A couple of weeks ago I realised I couldn't go on like this - worrying, upset, obsessing, living with a knot in my stomach each time he is away. I realised that if I am going to stay in this marriage then I have to trust him to tell me the truth when he is away - I have to believe him when he says he is alone at the hotel, ordering room-service.
The stressing was doing me no good at all and it wasn't helping our R either. So on that night I made a promise to myself that I would take a leap of faith and trust fWH. I realise that I cannot control him, he could cheat again, but I am CHOOSING to believe him as long as I can see that he is working on his issues, that he is committed and working hard at R and that he is owning his shit. If he cheats on me again I will walk away, I won't even stop to discuss it with him. He knows this and I know this.
For now fWH is totally committed to me. He is doing everything right and in turn I am offering him my trust. fWH knows how hard it is for me when he travels and he does all sorts of things to help e.g he keeps in contact all the time - smsing, IMing, taking photos of things and smsing them to me, phoning me. Most nights we talk on the phone for a couple of hours.
This is working really well for us, but it's still hard!
I was aware of my husband being with marriedOW on all of their visits- they were not work related- I just thought it was a group of friends together on a short trip- I am *was* that naive. So work trips don't have the trigger of being A sites previously. Work trips just have the potential because she lives a short plane flight away.
The first trips I couldn't sleep or doing much of anything. I kept the boys fed, clothes and got them to school and activities, but that was it. Josephine and music loving mom have some great practical ideas which we have also used. Also, I really like having a landline/hotel room phone to call when he should be there. WH also does a great job of keeping me informed of his schedule, his availability and any changes to his schedule. He also schedules his free time with people I know- dinner with friends I have met etc. And when It became clear that he was traveling to the same place repeatedly, I was able to tag along and meet everyone. It would be hard to slip a girlfriend in one of these visits- as everyone has already met his fabulous wife (that is I ) and gorgeous kids. Can you accompany him ever?
But also what it's a climb said- i had to trust him and to trust me. If he is going to cheat again, he will find a way. And I will figure out and be strong enough to leave him.
Now, one more thing- or maybe a few... I don't know what his work is or what his infidelity consisted of. But i am not liking the lapdancing clubs? I would have some really tight boundaries around this stuff. Is a job switch to something less clubby- without lapdances readily available- maybe a company that provides free coffee and doughnuts? Or an Onsite gym instead? Don't mean to be sarcastic or naive, but wow?
Then I don't know how far out you are from d day, but if he does the work and shows he is making changes, is accountable and transparent, etc., it will get easier as you heal.
Thinking of you.
Edited for auto correct
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 3:40 AM, June 10th (Monday)]
Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school