He asked me a month ago to go in halves with him on guitar lessons for DD8. I explained that I couldn't because i'm paying all dance lesson expenses (tuition, recital, costumes, etc.). I brought up the fact that for 2 years, I've paid for all extra-curricular. I never asked for anything from him because of all the crap I've been through with him (He's NPD (harassment)). He reacted like a baby telling me that he shouldn't have to help with dance because he was already helping me out by paying CS and insurance.
Last night he sent a message asking me to go in halves so that DD can be on the swim team at the YMCA. It's not the money this time. It's time. I work late on Mondays. I take DD to dance on Tuesdays. I work late on Wednesdays, then we go to church until 8. Thursday is the only day we have at home. Fridays I spend hauling DD to XH one weekend or going to see family 2.5 hours away on the other weekends. With all my extra duties at work, I am exhausted and would like to have at least one evening at home so DD can play with her neighbor friends and I can get some work done. I would love for DD to do this, but I just don't have the time.
When I explain this to XH, I already know his response. He will tell me that I only care about myself--not my daughter. If you've read my stuff before, you'll know that my XH is insane and almost impossible to deal with (NPD). Any response I give must be carefully thought out, and even at that, everything will be my fault and I will be the horrible mother.
Any advice on how to respond on this matter?
When my kids were growing up, we used the rule only 1 outside activity at a time. It wasn't for the adults, I wanted kids to have time to learn to entertain, play without structure. Maybe use that has a reason to not add additional activities.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
Use the one activity at a time is enough. If he insists, then tell him to find an activity that is on his nights only, and he can look after getting her to and from it.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
Any advice on how to respond on this matter?
In as nice and kind a way as possible, tell him to go screw himself.
He will tell me that I only care about myself--not my daughter.
You know this isn't true, so why do you care? Be simple and straight-forward--I don't have time to do this. No explanation, no complaints.
Be careful with having him put her into activities on his time; he will use this as a way to control more of DD's time (there will be swim meets as well as practices, possibly team parties-you get the picture.)
I know it might not work with NPD... but it might be worth a try. No explanation... just 'No'.
If he wants her to have these extra curricular activities.. he can pay for them and he can haul her to and from them. I did that with XNPDH a lot when my kids were in HS band, sports etc... he would not take them to events after school or on weekends, It was in the best interest of the child to do these things... so I gave up trying to get him on board and just picked them up and took them myself. He lives close (< a mile) so it isn't a problem.
He wants her to do something else.. let him pay for swim camp during the summer. I am sure she would love it.
Have you visited the NPD thread in I Can Relate section of SI? Lots of us have dealt with NPD... and there is a lot of advice there.
Fridays I spend hauling DD to XH one weekend
Why doesn't he pick her up?
And could family visit you now and then?
That might help a bit with being so stretched.
❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣
I really, really agree! I agree with the other answers, but with NPD person for an XH, this type of thing could get ugly. The ideas for "one activity" are really good ones too and I agree with them. It's been our philosophy, too... though I will wish luck on placing any boundary on an NPD person.
I'm really sorry, Skeerd, but your situation sounds kind of like mine and people tell me "Of course he doesn't care, he's not there!" The actions, the actions, the actions.
Plus, if an activity is scheduled during the visiting time, he doesn't have to watch her or come up with things to do, right? He just provides transportation.
An example I can give is DD is in a big growth spurt and I can't keep her in pants that aren't high waters. She is at an age of falling and rips the legs apart or draws on them and then they're pretty crappy looking and I always felt like what she wears reflects on us.
So Perv has always tried to be generous with her -me, nothing-but her he will sometimes ask if she needs something or if he can get her anything. So a few months ago, I asked for pants.
He got two. So if DD wears one and one is dirty or two are dirty, I have no clean pants for her, right?
I finally swallowed some pride and asked him, "Can you either leave a little extra money or get a couple pairs of pants for DD?"
The reply: "I just bought pants." He himself probably has 10+ pair...WTF with the reasoning? I ask for little to nothing and never, ever for extra money for myself.
The money they spend for the A is so much and so shocking, WATK? (What About The Kids?)
I wanted make sure to mention that I give you credit for all you do, Skeerd, and you sound like a good mom.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
I would ask this:
1. Does DD want to join the swim team?
2. Does DD, her NPD father and you, know the expectations of this swim team regarding time/number of swim practices per week and swim meet participation? Can NPDx get daughter to/from the practices, or can someone else transport her there and back if NPDx can not, and you can not?
3. Do you know the dates/locations of swim meets and the costs? Will NPDx and/or you transport and watch your daughter at these swim events?
4. Assuming dear daughter wants to join swim team, I have found the best way to communicate with NPD is to make it all their idea, and not make excuses for yourself. NPDx will not care what you think or feel. Never forget this.
Generally, when I communicate with NPDx, I use the following format:
1st sentence: Provide Supply and make them think this idea is all theirs.
2nd sentence: Say yes to what you are willing to do, and be clear and concise.
Or say "no, I can not .......". Again, be clear and concise. Do not assume anything in communicating with NPDs.
Most important >>> Do not EVER provide excuses for why you can not do what NPDx desires from you. NPDs only want approval and agreement. Anything else is fuel for their wrath.
In the final sentence or two provide more supply for NPD. Be tactical in how you communicate with your NPDx. Put on your marketing hat - you know the one where you sound positive and upbeat, but can tell someone to go to hell, and have them packing and look forward to the trip! That is the only way to move forward co-patenting with an NPDx, at least in my experience.
Assuming that DD does want to join swim team and she understands the commitment required of her, and that you will not drive her to or from practices no matter what, you might write the following to NPDx -
DD thinks Swim team is a great idea of yours! I will provide 50% $ for the swim team fee, and 50% $ of the meet entry fees. I can not drive DD to and from swim practices during the week, or to the meets on the weekends she stays with you. I have made this clear to DD, so I know she will appreciate your making this possible for her, and driving her to swim practice and the meets on your weekends.
Thanks for this great idea.
Remember this in communicating with your NPDx:
There are NO EXCUSES in the mind of a true NPD. There are only those who agree and support him (her). Everyone else is either an obstacle, or of zero importance.
[This message edited by luv2swim at 10:55 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]
Npd xh doesn't care that I am a worn out single mom
I know this as well.
He delights in any report that I'm struggling. "She DESERVES it!!!"
Like what did we ever do that was so bad? divorce them for cheating so they could be with their soulmates?