Stabbed - Hope you are working with someone to work through your own anger. Anger was a big one for me and working through it has been immensely helpful. Physical violence is not the answer. While I understand it happening in the beginning shock, repeatedly happening is a sign that you need some help to get this under control.
I've decided to post this evening because of Marlie. Her H reminds me of mine. My H has held on to the "I've hurt you too much, I can't get past what I've done, I'm afraid I'll do it again, etc."
I've had multiple D days and we also have a possible OC from 11 years ago, no paternity test has ever been done and more than likely she has passed the OC off as her husbands. We dealt with trickle truth from January until April. Multiple affairs through out our 16 year marriage. He started a new affair sometime in November (right around our anniversary) and he moved out of our house to be with her in April.
He was her supervisor and because of their affair a new policy was implemented prohibiting any supervisor/subordinate affairs. Their affair came to an end and we started spending time together again, however he won't go back to counseling. He went for a few sessions and it made him so depressed because of dealing with Childhood Sexual Abuse that he's terrified to go back.
It's so ironic to me that I have been emotionally abused and cheated on for 16 years and I'm the one here still willing to work on this and stand by him while we both work on our recovery and he's the one willing to walk away because he doesn't see how we could ever get past all of this.
I know that he loves me, my only explanation is that he is still pining away for his most recent affair partner since they still work together. He is no longer her supervisor but they still see each other in passing.
This is probably really long and I don't even know if it makes sense. I just miss my husband, or at least the man I thought was my husband.
Thank you Missy. I have been doing the 180 and was doing really well until a couple of weeks ago. This time of year holds a lot of painful triggers for me, not to mention our anniversary is next month and then the holidays after that. I've feel like I'm back at the beginning again. Sad and random crying out of the blue. Missing him like crazy. 2 weeks ago I felt like I was just about ready to walk away and now bam the sadness hits again.
I have been going to S-Anon and I see an IC but she is not a CSAT. There aren't many CSATs in my area and the ones that are near don't take my insurance. I can barely afford to go to my IC. I had to cut that down to every other week.
H knows he has a problem but he doesn't want to say it's SA. however he did recently say that he's realized he does sexualize women. And that he didn't realize just how much he did it until he started trying to stop. He tries to catch himself every time he checks out a woman and he gets upset with himself when he realizes he's doing it and didn't catch himself in time.
I'm tired of being in limbo but I'm not ready to walk away...
[This message edited by seriously2many at 8:40 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]
I have very limited info on his activities over the course of our 10 year marriage. He always has had the computer set to delete the history on exit. All the cc statements are online and passworded. I have always had access to his phone but he is out at work all day and he deletes his call history and texts.
Anyway, 2 specific questions:
1. He had a secret email account which I found years ago and he vehemently denied. When I hacked into it this year, I discovered that in 2008 he had begun to fill in an online dating profile. It was not completed. He would have had to pay to sign up
2. I found messages from years back to women he had contacted via Classmates.com
I already knew about 1 PA and there are two other possible PA's, all within got least two years. He was incredibly careful to cover his tracks. He left no evidence. I got him on a var, I would never have known otherwise. He swears this is all he ever did and that it is only in the last two years that he has been unfaithful and that was with one woman.
Of course I am sceptical. What does the online dating account mean? He says it was because he was bored/goofing around and while I don't believe that, I don't honestly know what it signifies.
Jemi - No one here can tell you if your WH is an SA. The line about just looking is a common one and one my SAWH used. He wouldn't admit to having had sex with anyone else until a year after DDay! Check out www.sexhelp.com for more info on sex addiction from the experts. What are you doing to help yourself? Are you in IC? Are you going to a support group?
Is this normal? Sheesh....
seriously2many, H gives me that line too: that he's so afraid of hurting me again. Uggh, he keeps telling me who he is, but I keep sticking around. It seems like I'm staying more for me than for him right now. I'm just gathering strength until the answer is crystal clear.
I just got back from there, and I loved how very calm and reasonable they were. They said it sounded as if he were very depressed and probably not thinking straight, and that us being separated might help him to wake up and smell the coffee. And since we can't get legally D'd until probably around February, that does give him plenty of time to grow up/wake up. If he still isn't in any kind of therapy by then, I'll know it's not happening, at least not in time to save our relationship.
For years he's been telling me he doesn't deserve me and I'm on a higher plane than him, etc. but I never knew why. Now he feels like giving me STI's when I married him as a virgin and have never been with another man was the final insult and that he has done me too much damage so now he must let me be free of him and his problems. Sounds twisted but for someone whose self-esteem has hit rock bottom and has never gotten any help for sexual abuse, it's not that strange.
It will be at least a few weeks before he can move out. I wonder very much if he will move into our son's old room (my stepson, btw, who I think would take the news of a D very hard even though he never really accepted me as a mom) or if he will still sleep with me.
I was surprised that he called me at about 8pm because he had come home and been surprised that I wasn't there and wanted to know where I was. I fudged and said "I went to do an errand and am going to grocery shop." He said, "Please be careful, don't stay out too late."
Um, he wasn't worried about me when he was staying out until 3am with his ONS, so why worry about me now???
From everything I've read and after talking to a few counselors about it, it sounds like the fear of facing the abuse is greater then the love they have for us or the desire to save their relationship. I know my H wants to believe that theirs a woman out there that will make him stop acting out and then he won't have to face his past. It just makes me so sad that I love him and want to go through all of this with him and he would rather walk away than get help.
Since this alls started in January I have made a new set of friends, am going out, the kids and I are doing more things with my friends and their kids, I've been working on my house trying to get it ready to sell. I lost a lot of weight (haven't we all...) so now I dress and feel better about myself. I'm more confidant, etc. Overall I feel good and strong. I'm more independent than I've ever been, just today my kids and I built a small patio for our fire pit to sit on. He notices all of these things but then he will throw them in my face saying that I don't need him.
We definitely have this push pull thing going on. It's frustrating and I know I need to break it but I go through these horrible withdrawals from H when I don't see him.
Seriously - Ninety something percent of SAs were abused. Sometimes the abuse is sexual shaming, sometimes exposure to inappropriate sexually explicit material, sometimes direct sexual assault. Just keep up with the detachment, it will get easier.
Marlie - The more you detach and go about your own life, the more he will stop and question. DO NOT drop everything and run to him when he does this. Keep on going about your life and business. That is what the 180 is about.
AFM, things still going well. My SAWH is out of town, so things are quiet on that front. Kids and I are really busy though, this year has been too busy. As the kids get bigger, the amount of driving has greatly increased.
For those with spouses claiming they don't want to ruin your life and so are leaving for your good, I am also in the skeptical camp. Most active addicts not in recovery are way too selfish to do anything that doesn't benefit them substantially. I don't mean they don't love you or don't have some of those feelings or inclinations. But my guess is that there are women/illicit activities/feeding the addiction beckoning them and making their sudden selflessness VERY convenient. I am sorry if that sounds harsh--it is not an indictment of the person or relationship but of the addiction disease.
Sadone, that is really upsetting. So sorry to hear of this development. It feels very scary to have any type of addictive behavior re-emerging in your household, I totally get that. What happened with job interviewing? I seem to recall some options emerging. I think you would feel more calm and secure if the economic piece fell more into place. It is HARD to have young kids and have to suddenly reinvent yourself professionally to support your family because your H is off the rails. :(
As for me, I am just sad these days. Apparently I have some hidden talent at detaching -- I wish I could bottle and distribute to anyone who wanted it on SI. :) I have detached so much I am not certain I am in love with my husband anymore. Moreover, given the constant threat of relapse and the damage done to me personally with the betrayal and neglect, I don't feel emotionally prepared to re-attach. So, my husband has moved mountains to establish a very solid recovery, he has changed alot of his prior selfishness and become a good marital partner again. And I am not sure I love him anymore.
If infidelity is a deal breaker for you then, it just is. You shouldn't beat yourself up for that. Although I'm attempting R right now, I know there is a possiblilty that even a couple of years from now it could just prove a hurdle too high for me to clear and, I'm ok with that. I have 36 years invested so far so, I do want to at least give it a shot.
It's a lot to deal with. The betrayal of trust, money, time. You name it. It has and will continue to affect you to the core of your being. Others may disagree with me on this but, it is a factor that I can without a doubt point to in my situation. I was responsible for everything in our family. I considered myself my H's "helper". He worked very hard (now I know he was a workaholic) so I thought the least I could do would be to take care of all those things he didn't have time to do. I really thought I was helping and, that deep within him, he appreciated it. Not. Looking back I see that I basically absolved him of any responsiblity of anything but his job. He only did things if he felt like it and it facilitated him being able to choose between doing things that promoted family or things that indulged self. I think you can see what that led to.
He said he felt alone and had no self esteem because he didn't feel needed. I have mixed emotions about it now because I see that my impulse to rush in and fix everything, all the time only served to provide him the opportunity to think about himself and what he could do to "reward" himself for all of his hard work. The good of the family was secondary to his self serving thoughts and actions. I'm still amazed at that even today.
He didn't appreciate my help at all. He totally took me for granted that I would do all the dirty work that goes on in real life and left me to deal with every life crisis all on my own. I think I may have given him the impression that I was independent and more than capable of taking care of business without him, which is true, so, he just focused on himself.
That discovery earthquake rocked my world and we are still having after shock trembles. Once this all came to light I decided NO MORE. No more taking on responsibility for things that should have been his or even ours. No more fixing his messes. No more going out of my way to make things easier for him in any way. The day after my dday I told him that I believed that if we were to have a shot at R we needed to get into counseling ASAP. I didn't pick up the phone but, I did tell him that if we didn't have an appointment by the next day, I was going to go out of town for a few days. I waited to see what he would do because, now, he has to demonstrate how serious he is about recovery. We had an appointment by 5pm that afternoon.
I have done absolutely nothing to facilitate his recovery. I know that has to be HIS priority. I try to encourage him along the way but, I'm a long way from being able to give him an "atta boy". I have read everything I can get my hands on about SA and only now is most of it really sinking in.
I learned the most by just coming here and listening to how the others handled it and why they did it that way. I got my encouragement and advice from the pros. I somehow knew that I could trust what they were telling me and it hasn't let me down yet.
I feel so much stronger today and you will too, eventually. Take it one day at a time. As a good friend told me right after dday, right, left, breathe. Repeat as often as necessary and keep coming here. We are all rowing in the same boat.
I wanted to write something positive that happened last night when I finished my last post and WS came home.
He arrived at about 9:45pm, to my surprise. He said that the cookout he had gone to (without me btw) was 'boring.' I suspect that he came home early out of guilt. He asked me again where I had been, and I said that I had no intention of sitting at home hoping he would show up, so I went out and did an errand and grocery shopped. I then proceeded to ignore him at first and keep doing what I was doing, but he kept trying to get my attention. So I said, "I was going to do my toenails while I watched my program before bed." I had downloaded the newest Downton Abbey, so I pushed play and he immediately protested. "What is THIS?!" he said. I replied, "It's my program, and I'm going to watch it like I just told you." He said, "But that's not fair." I said, "How exactly is it not fair?" He looked at me in surprise again and then settled down on the couch to watch the program, as I had given him little choice (it was playing from the computer to the tv, so he could neither watch tv nor use the computer, his two favorite ways to relax).
I figured it was high time he saw that I was no longer going to sit around and wait for him to come home, and that I wasn't going to immediately drop what I was doing to attend to his needs when he did bother to show up as I have done before...and that I wasn't going to turn off whatever program I was watching so that he could watch what he wanted to see, either. I have felt that one should always put the needs and wants of the other first in the relationship, but right now it's my turn and I'm glad that I was able to show him that even in those small ways. If this kind of behavior + a separation doesn't cause him to do what he needs to do, then I can only hope that someday he comes to his senses. But if that's how it goes down, he will have to struggle through it without my support.
I thank whoever recommended that I read up on the 180. I feel better this morning!