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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just caught up on the last 4 pages of this thread - lots going on.

Sorry if I don't respond to everyone; I can't remember all that everyone has written.

Missy - so sorry for the NPD diagnosis and the recommendation from your MC CSAT that you leave your M. I am glad you have so much support and are taking it one day at a time. Your situation sounds very similar to mine (except that my H has never entered recovery), but I can relate to the reasons why you stay (financial, kids) as well as the NPD lack-of-empathy/no-acknowledgement of my feelings, being an asshole to me, but he is the victim, etc. I think it is very unlikely that my H will ever dig himself out of his dysfunction. I hope all goes well with your intensive couples retreat.

cds - I can completely relate to what you posted a few pages back re: not being in a emotionally connected M for years and now having to wait for your H to do his IC for a year, then MC for 2-3 years - all the while being lonely in your M. I have been with my H for 20 years, with most of those years starving and I am so yearning for someone to have a deep emotional and sexual connection to - it really sucks being where we are. This disease makes me so sad - hard to hear how your H is doing everything he can, yet you have this hurt (infidelity) between you that will never go away and it's like something has died that you will never be able to get back. The picture you painted of you two on a date night eating your soup and saying how sad your M is is poignant.

SJ - the only thought I had about your H's therapist is that she might be a sexologist - we saw a PhD who was a sexologist (not a CSAT) to help us with our sexual anorexia (it didn't help bc the SA wasn't discovered or addressed). These "sex therapists" (not CSATs) don't believe in sex addiction. I think it would be dangerous for your H to see someone like this. I am glad that you are looking into other CSATs in your area.

I wanted to let our group know how things went with my H's polygraph just in case it is useful to anyone. My H had a polygraph so that the CSAT could decide which group to place him in for therapy. My H has been borderline SA on all the written tests he has taken with the CSAT (including the 700 question test). My H took the poly and I found out the results in the CSAT's office the other day. The CSAT just related 4 questions to me (I can only remember 3):
1. Did you have sex with anyone the weekend that you were in Vegas? (this is where he met with guy friends and an old HS GF). His answer was no.
2. Have you been unfaithful to your wife since you have been M? No.
3. Have you looked at porn since April 2012? No.
All 3 questions showed "no deception."

So, the CSAT said that my H has a lack of empathy and intimacy issues and therefore could benefit from being in group therapy with other SAs since that is what they are working on as well. Another option would be for H to work with an IC or for us to go to MC. I flat out refused MC; we already tried that weekly for 6 months and got nowhere - H minimizing, denying, blameshifting, etc.

My problem wasn't with the polygraph, it was with my H's attitude during the entire session. It screamed NPD to me. H's lack of empathy was astounding. I will try to be brief, but he basically played the victim role: HE was hurting, things were terrible for HIM, he has had to detach from me to protect himself, HE has been through hell too and on and on. What makes me furious is that he not only sexually neglected me for most of our 20 year relationship, he also sexually rejected me (I would dress up in sexy lingerie and he would always say no; he would also say that he had to sleep downstairs bc he had to get up early - he would try to get rid of me early in the night and he would masturbate to porn - he chose going to bed with a computer and his hand over his flesh-and-blood wife) AND HE WAS MY HUSBAND - who else was I supposed to have sex with???!!!!! And, like the dutiful wife that I was, I just stuffed my sexuality, because I had made vows to him and I never strayed. I am so pissed that I allowed him to do this to me for 20 years! Then the cheating, lying, disrespect, AND HE IS THE ONE WHO IS HURTING?! Fuck you!!! I am so angry that he could even think of himself. He really doesn't want me, he just doesn't want the kids to come from a broken home. I said during the session that he just wants (insert wife here) - he doesn't care who it is.

Sorry so long. Hugs to everyone; so sorry that we're here.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta - here is the link the that album on itunes https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/guided-imagery-to-help-heartbreak/id419404342
You will get through this and be o.k. I feel back to myself and centered. I just have to detach and not get dragged down every time my SAWH's recovery takes a nose dive.


NandN - Thanks, things are going better. He is back to behaving like someone in recovery. Just to be clear, he is not NPD but one step below that. So he can feel empathy, just takes a lot of work for him not to live in the Victim. Wondering how your SAWH passed the poly? So he is saying he never acted out or just that he hasn't used porn in the last year? Totally hear you on the poor me victim crap. It takes someone holding their feet to the fire to get them to see everything isn't all about them. I believe it is called abusing from the Victim. My SAWH has been the King of this.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
PollyA
♀ New Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LADIES!!!

ScaredyKat wrote something about folks reading if not posting, and it's so true. I don't always know what to say to folks' problems, but know that my spirit and love and wishes for your recovery are with you every time I log on.

I wish I had an answer to all of this. My H seems to be more and more a Selfish Asshole with serious intimacy problems and not an SA, but he sure ACTED like a SA for the last 6 years. Our MC says that labels are difficult, so if I'm OK with Selfish Asshole and husband is ok with Sex Addict, no matter, it all addresses the same behavior.

I do feel bad for everyone's pain. I am not a good S Anon person. I felt overwhelming sadness for the women in the group. I'm going to see a counselor for trauma therapy, but am doing pretty well. I want to throw pointy things at my H, but I accept that!

He's been a much better husband lately and yet I still struggle with wondering if I can ever trust him again. I want wild sex, but I'm too afraid to let his fluids near mine. 6 years of gay anonymous sex partners will do that!

So, I just wanted to check in. I am very grateful for this forum and hope that everyone takes care of themselves today and tomorrow.

One day at a time, right?


BW - 2 x's
WH - SA
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy
DD2 - 8/2013 - 75 anonymous men

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NYC
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Polly - Hey, one day at a time is a good S-Annon person! Really, every meeting is different. I love my COSA group and I have always disliked Al-Anon, until the meeting I went to this week. When you find some people that have good recoveries, then you can ask around and you will find out about other good meetings.

I don't think I know of any SAs that aren't selfish assholes. How else could they do what they were doing? Trauma therapy is good, my CSAT includes that. Hopefully things will improve, they go up and down in recovery. They don't call it a rollercoaster for no reason!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ctdean2004
♀ New Member
Member # 39637
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to see opinions. I am struggling with this. I struggle with cutting my H some slack but also making sure I am not naive.

I know that a week ago my H went grocery shopping and actually ran into our ex nanny at the store. It was his first encounter with her since d day and me firing her. We both knew that would eventually happen. I know he was pretty shook up by it and made a bunch of calls to his SA folks.. The thing is he doesn't know I know he ran into her. I found out on my own.

I am upset because it has been a week and he has not shared with me that he saw her at the store and I know he told one of the SA guys that he wants to tell me but afraid to because he is afraid of my reaction. I know he was pretty shook up for it because supposedly she was trying to avoid him and annoyed. She was there with her mom. He did not talk to her. Although in his SA head, if she pulled off her clothes and said let's go, I don't think he could have handled himself but I know he acknowledged that.

Part of me wants to leave it alone and be happy that at least he dealt with it by calling his SA crew to deal with it. The other part of me is upset this happened and he is not sharing it with me.

Would you have wanted to know your H saw someone at the store? Or is this one of those moments where I am being too controlling and to let it come out on its own time?

Also...how do you know your H is doing good with their recovery? Do you stay on top of making sure they make phone calls or go to meetings? Do you talk about his recovery with him? If you do, what do you discuss?

H gets annoyed about talking SA stuff with me. Meh says it is really his business and his CSAT basically said the same thing. My thing is I am home on maternity leave and notice my H is making less phone calls than he used to so to be it looks like he is disconnecting from his commitment to work on himself and with the program. If you saw this decline, how would you handle it or maybe not handle it?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.


Me: BS, 31
Him: WH/SA, 31
Together 8 years
Married 7 years
DS1, DD2, DSontheway 10/10/13
Official DDAY: October 2012
'09 some things came out, he went to SA, stopped doing it and he went to town! Always been caught and never confessed.
Rec

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Connecticut
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CTD - I have just been in this position, what I was told to do was to mention my concern. Just say that I notice you aren't as involved in your recovery as you were and I am concerned. Seeing someone that he used to have sex with and not mentioning it would be a problem. It is typical for an SA to pull the I am afraid of my spouse crap. Do you have your own CSAT? Are you involved in COSA or S-Annon? There is an on-line COSA, since you are home on maternity leave.

There are a couple of check ins that can be done weekly for couples that can open the door for conversation. One is Recovery Check In, in the Couple's Guide to Intimacy and the other is FASST check in by Milton Magness. You have to get the books for both of those.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CTD, wanted to echo what Missy said. In addition, this is what MY CSAT said regarding WS's recovery that can be boundaries, and requirements for R.:

I have a right to know about slips, relapses, and triggers. I should respect he needs to discuss it with CSAT/sponsor first, but I should be kept in the loop if I want to be. A time limit can be enforced if he has an issue with putting it off.

I have a right to know he is going to meetings and how often. I have the right to say he needs to attend a minimum number of meetings for me to consider R.

I have a right to know if he is meeting with his sponsor/CSAT and if he is actually doing any recovery/step work outside of meetings. I don't need to see this work (and I shouldn't, if I want him to really be open and honest about it), but I should know if he's doing it, not doing it, or doing it half-ass at the last minute.

IME, doing the check in thing at a regular frequency to address all of the above is less threatening than bringing it up yourself otherwise.

HTH!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CTD - As our MC loves to say, "there are no secrets in a marriage." If I were in your position, the old me would have held onto knowing this info and not let SAWH know that I knew. And if would continue to bother me and fester and lead to more resentment. The new me puts it out there. "SAWH, I know you ran into AP when grocery shopping last week. I would like to talk about this with you." If he is not responsive about it and shuts down or becomes a jerk, well then you have your answer...something to add to the "go" column. If he becomes a jerk, just say, "In order for me to feel safe and help rebuild the trust, this is something we need to talk about. Let's take a break and talk about it at X:00." It's called "taking a break" but not sweeping it aside and never reapproaching. Good luck.

As for me, I am trying to keep the "look at the long term change" vs. the daily flubs approach. In other words, I can't get hung up on the fact that SAWH came home drunk from a business meeting last week and passed out on the sofa and would not wake up to put the kids to bed. If I get hung up on that (not that it is not being addressed) I won't be able to continue to *try* to reconcile. I need to look at all of the positive changes in him that are happening.

*Try* is the operative term...as time marches on it's becoming clearer to me that reconciliation might not be the best approach for me long term. However, I think it's been good from the perspective of if we split up, we'll be able to get along fine as co-parents. We're getting along ok with one another, but I feel sexually DEAD (and this is coming from the person who wanted to have sex right away). And he said he does, too. So nothing much has been done about reconnecting in that respect. So basically, we are back to where we were before the A and the SA escalated. There's an elephant in the room and neither one of us is doing anything about it. This time, I'm just shutting down instead of making excuses. For me, I wonder if shutting down is just a defense mechanism or if it is a symptom of my own avoidance or an intimacy disorder. I told him last night that I feel dead because the prospect of having sex/getting physically closer with someone who has rejected me for so long and lied to me about the reasons why is not a very exciting prospect. What makes me think things will be different this time? When I mentioned that we are back to where we were before the affair got started and when the A was in progress he said something like we were barely talking. And I said yeah, you are right. You were an asshole to live with. You weren't around and when you were you were putting on this act of being father of the year and completely ignoring me and yes, that made me resentful and demoralized.

His big concern is that he is constantly under a microscope being evaluated. Yes, that is right...YOU ARE! because this is what it is going to take for me to decide if I can live in relative harmony with you for the next 30 years of my life. I'm sure you are also evaluating me, too.
And he also doesn't like "rehashing the past, reliving it."

We'll have PLENTY to talk about in MC today.

Other than stuff with SAWH, I feel very much at peace with other aspects of my life. I have always been so grateful to my friends but now more than EVER. It means so much to me to have them checking in on me. As much of a wreck as I am, I would not be in this good of shape if I had not had them. One in particular was there from DAY 1 when I first figured everything out and right before I confronted him. A couple of my male friends have offered a really good perspective on things, too...one whose girlfriend cheated on him and he's never really gotten over it and another who cheated on his wife (but they are still together - not the healthiest solution but I don't think they went to any counseling to address issues such as her not wanting to have sex). So I guess at a time when I have felt at my lowest and most unloved, I am uplifted by people who care about me and I really feel good about that. It makes me feel like I know I don't deserve to be treated like I was because many people find me valuable and worthy.

Ugh...the other thing I discovered last night while doing taxes is that I should have been doing ALL ALONG is that I should have been going through the bank statements. If I had, I would have noticed LARGE sums of $ being paid towards his credit cards and so forth. Instead I was an idiot with my head up my butt. I know that if I confronted him about it, some crazy story would have been concocted and A would have just gone more underground and would probably still be going on. I keep reminding myself that even though this is terrible, it's probably best that it all went down the way it did because he has to confront his past and all of the trauma he has caused.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy - I don't know how my H passed the poly; it could be that he was telling the truth or it could be that he is so NPD that he believes his lies and so is able to lie without getting nervous. The poly asked just about watching porn since I confronted him; he has admitted that he has been watching porn our entire relationship before I confronted him (unbeknownst to me). I, of course, didn't believe that he had stopped watching porn, but if I am to believe the poly, he has.

Polly - yes, I am the same way; I want to comment to everyone, but don't always have something useful to add. I am with everyone in my heart and spirit though - always sending everyone clarity and peace even if I'm not posting. And I hear you about wanting wild sex, but being afraid bc of disease. Have you both been tested 6 months after his last sexual encounter? Do you feel certain that he is no longer sexually active outside your M? I don't want to have sex with my H bc I have totally detached and I have no feelings/emotional intimacy with him anymore. I have absolutely no desire to be with him that intimately. Thank you for your positive post!

ctdean - so sorry for what you are going through, and on maternity leave, no less! You have really excellent questions and some veterans that have given you good advice. It sounds like your H had a pretty big slip that he didn't tell you about, but I have seen in my IRL SA spouses group that some of the wives (not many) don't want to hear about slips, bc it sets them back. It doesn't sound like this is your situation, but just wanted to put that out there. The situations that I have seen is when, e.g., a H slips with masturbation every week or a couple of times a week - the wives just got tired of hearing about it and just wanted their H to deal with it with their sponsor and group. Again, it doesn't sound like this is the case with your H's slip with your ex nanny. Hugs to you and I hope you and your baby are doing well.

wif - I am right there with you on so many counts. First, sorry that your H came home drunk and passed out the other night - NOT acceptable. I feel the same re: coparenting. He and I don't have any relationship, but it seems we are doing wonderfully as coparents. Either he is with the kids or I am; we rarely do anything as a family together. Maybe it is getting the kids prepared for D too. We also share stories about the kids, fun times and struggles and try to learn from each other. So in that aspect, it is good. My H feels like he is "under a microscope" and "being evaluated" too - same words your H uses. I am so glad that you have so much IRL support and that you are doing well in all other areas of your life. I hope you are going through his credit card and bank statements now! I love how you put a positive spin on things, but yet you are realistic as well - a good way to go through life.

Hugs to everyone, LIGHT and peace!

ETA: changed "M" to masturbation

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 4:44 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy,

Thanks for the link! I downloaded it last night & am looking forward to listening to it tonight.

I see over and over the similar characteristics of these guys. Selfish, asshole behavior, victim mentality. I look at this list and wonder why I'm trying to re up with this guy. A lot of times I wonder what it says about me that I'm going thru the motions to reconcile. I said in the beginning that I wanted to know I did my dead level best to make it work. In this day of high divorce statistics, I hate the idea that my children and grandchildren will feel the ripple effects of one person's selfishness stupidity. Un.freaking.believable.

H got a new phone the day I left for Aruba. He backed his old one up before programming the new one. We are planning a big event for Thanksgiving this year. It will be my parents 65th anniversary and my brother has asked us all for family pictures in order to make a video. I was going thru the library of photos on the computer to submit for the video and, there it was. A close up picture of a shaved female genitalia. H's response? "I don't know where that came from!" The date stamp on it was from September of last year so I'm sure it wasn't recent but, it was new to me so, that tidal wave of sadness knocked me for a loop. I know he knows where it came from but, no amount of questioning helped him remember and, it just left me with more questions and doubts. So, after finding that I decided I should scan the rest of the pictures. This time I saw the picture the last hooker sent him prior to their first encounter in January. Strangely, he doesn't remember that one either....weird.

Needless to say we have had a tough last few days. H is playing the victim which, makes me so angry I think blood will shoot from my eyes. He says he feels like I'm beating him up about the whole SA thing which just pisses me off to a whole other level since I've been extremely civilized through out this whole process. Sometimes I think too much so. Trying to be mindful that he is remorseful working hard and not to say anything I might regret later on. I know it's to be expected but, when it hits it seems to undo anything positive. Like the nursery rhyme that says "when it was good, it was very, very good but, when it was bad, it was horrid".


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, can I join? My WS has not started therapy yet but is going to as soon as he gets paid. I started IC three weeks ago because I have a certain number of free sessions through my job.

I have a question, since I started a thread in "Just Found Out" and immediately got hammered as I hoped would not happen with, "Your husband is sick!" And the implication that there is something wrong with me if I stay in the marriage.

So my question is this: if your husband is a SA, and he goes to prostitutes or whatever, does he suddenly decide to check their ID first? Does he make a mental distinction, "Oh, this one's not 18 yet, I'd better not"?

My WS confessed to me that, out of the 20 women he has cheated on me with during the past five years, two of them were underage. One he says he 'didn't go too far,' because his better judgment/conscience whatever stopped him, but the other he didn't stop himself and they had intercourse.

And like I posted in the other thread, the legal part of all this was dealt with long ago, so you don't need to tell me to call CS etc. There was no evidence at the time, and he denied it...and I, like a fool, believed him. Had I known he had already cheated on me with 18 other women, I probably would have believed it!!!

So...am I truly alone in this?


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta - I have posted this before but supposedly there was a study on SA and what worked the best with them as far as how family members/spouses dealt with them - tough love was more effective than nurturing. So keep that in mind for the long run.

MC ran over 45 min! Obviously she did not have another client waiting after us. Wow...a whole lot got discussed but mostly regarding some work issue that he has not addressed and it has to do with AP. In order to address it, he has to tell his superior/peer. It's hard to explain but the guy he has to deal with isn't really his boss so it's not like H can get fired. And really the issue can be remedied with a few keystrokes. Sorry for being cryptic but obviously I can't go into detail. But it would involve my H admitting to someone that he had an inappropriate relationship with the AP. The therapist had him role play about how the conversation might happen. My H said something to the affect that "my wife wants this to happen" vs. owning up to the fact that his actions brought him to this place. Therapist pointed this out to him, "you are making it sound like your wife wants this to happen, and you don't care if it does...think about that...in order for this to work you have to own this." The person he has to talk about this with already knows he's "having trouble at home" so it's not like he's completely in the dark about what is going on...it's just that he doesn't know with WHOM the trouble is with and that the AP was loosely associated with the company. Therapist made the point that SAWH should WANT to make sure there is no association with this woman and the company, that it's in everyone's best interest. SAWH doesn't want to answer anyone's questions about what happened (if the necessary action takes place). I said, "Wow...well once again you are more worried about what everyone else thinks than you are about what I think and feel." The truth is there is VERY little (if any) downside to doing what needs to be done...it just requires SAWH to man up and be honest with someone and WE ALL KNOW that is a struggle for SA. Honestly, I'm not doing this to prove a point...I'm doing it because 7 months after DD, it bothers me that AP is still associated with this business. And three months ago, he agreed to do something about it by October 1. And he chose not to keep this promise. And it's just one more check in my GO column. Pisses me off that after all of this...he still makes himself the victim instead of owning up to what he did and dealing with the fallout. Yes, it's unfortunate you have to suck it up...but remember YOU are the person who lived in a fantasy world for 2.5+ years and lied to me and a lot of other people about it. Here you have an opportunity to help rebuild trust and you are failing to do so.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie, you are not alone. I don't post here often because I'm D'ing my SAWH. I'm not saying its the decision for everyone, but it was the decision for me.

Anyway, the ladies here are wise in the ways of SAs. For RL support, check into S-Anon meetings in your area. They have been a lifesaver for me. Hang in there.


Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H's response? "I don't know where that came from!" The date stamp on it was from September of last year so I'm sure it wasn't recent but, it was new to me so, that tidal wave of sadness knocked me for a loop. I know he knows where it came from but, no amount of questioning helped him remember and, it just left me with more questions and doubts. So, after finding that I decided I should scan the rest of the pictures. This time I saw the picture the last hooker sent him prior to their first encounter in January. Strangely, he doesn't remember that one either....weird.

This all sounds familiar to me. In my case, X was with so many women, he couldn't remember them all. If I showed him a picture of a prostitute he'd used, he would recognize it, but would lie about what he did. I think in some cases, he really didn't remember them because there were only emails and pictures. He never wanted to know their names, so he wouldn't be able to remember those kinds of details. So, maybe in his mind saying he had no clue who that was (a picture I'd found), he felt he was telling the truth. He didn't know the person...but he did pay her for sex. A little distinction I guess. My X was an expert liar.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much! When he first told me, my initial reaction was that I HAD to divorce him, that I had no choice because if I stayed it meant I was a sick person.

My own therapist, who is an expert in this area, is going to help me with this. But I wish so much that he could see my therapist himself.

You see, we don't live in the US, but I work there. So I have access to therapy and services in the US, but he doesn't.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question, since I started a thread in "Just Found Out" and immediately got hammered as I hoped would not happen with, "Your husband is sick!" And the implication that there is something wrong with me if I stay in the marriage.

So my question is this: if your husband is a SA, and he goes to prostitutes or whatever, does he suddenly decide to check their ID first? Does he make a mental distinction, "Oh, this one's not 18 yet, I'd better not"?

Marlie {{{ Hugs }}},

My X preferred younger women. While we were in false reconciliation, he continued to use prostitutes and their ages were getting younger and younger. So were the ages of the women in the porn he was watching. I was very fearful that that was the direction his addiction was heading. I don't know if he was ever with an underage girl, but the younger they were, the more they were a prize in his eyes. He was even reading a "novel" about an underage prostitute, and did not understand why I was totally disgusted and disturbed by it!! Delusional!

I know it's hard to post in General about SA stuff. I avoided it in the beginning because I knew what I would hear, and I was too scared to leave him. I knew he'd make my life miserable if he could.

I post some in the SA section here, but I really think my bigger problem was the abuse and whatever personality disorder X has. I have no experience with recovery in a relationship with an SA, because mine refused to try recovery.

Hang in there, and keep reading as much as you can. Take care of YOU.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
PollyA
♀ New Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N and N, yes, we were tested within the parameters of knowing we are clear of all STDs. Now that we both took a Z pack for Chlamydia! (Chlamydia was much easier to cure than when we got Bed Bugs 5 years ago!!)

My H got super super lucky.

One of the most horrific things I must overcome is his 6 year flagrant disrespect of my life. I understand that someone who is SA's brain works differently. I don' know if I can ever for give it.

I know that he and I are disease free...for now. I know that he is in recovery and REALLY wants to be in the marriage. He is not acting out. If he has even one slip, I'm gone. If he hasn't fully discloses, I'm gone.

But what about in 2 years...4 years....6 years....8 years when he feels stress and is "AFRAID" to talk to me? (I loved someone who said they should get away with the Scary Spouse Excuse! So true....)

I'm a weirdo, I guess because I'm still sexually attracted to him. Our sex life has always been good. MORE REASON I WAS FLABBERGASTED!!! Our MC told my husband, "Do you know what a lucky son of a bitch you are?"

Maybe he'll really understand and I'll understand that he understands and....well, you get it.

Meantime, I bought myself a NEW BED today!!! I don't get it until Monday. I can't wait!!!!


BW - 2 x's
WH - SA
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy
DD2 - 8/2013 - 75 anonymous men

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NYC
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WIF & Compartmented and welcome Marlie. I'm sure you have been devastated beyond your own imagination so, I admire that you can make an attempt to move forward under the circumstances. I'm still fighting my own battle and learn something new everyday that I come here. I'm pretty much a rookie at this but, already have realized that SA has no boundaries and the heartbreak is sometimes unrelenting.

We welcome you to our "fellowship" and hope yoou feel free to put it all out there. There are many seasoned vets here that have been through so much and have grasped on. It's all still pretty abstract for a black and white thinker like me.

H has told me in the past that he simply can't tell me a lot of information regarding his encounters because, in his words, he did a "brain dump" as soon as it was over. OK. I can buy that to some degree. However, this is a man who never forgets a face. I mean NEVER so, I have a hard time buying the whole "I don't remember" thing. I still think he's protecting his own hide.

Holding you all in the LIGHT today Ladies! It's a whole new day and my spirit is still wounded but, more determined than ever to get past this one way or the other.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini, Compartmented and Polly:

THANK YOU. One of the hardest things so far is to feel that no one else is going through this, because most of the online advice for affairs doesn't go this deep or this direction.

Polly, I feel like you. Yes, right now WS is deeply ashamed and is making an effort to make things right. He told me last night that he got the name and information of a local therapist whom he plans on contacting as soon as he gets paid. He knows that regardless of whether or not I stay with him, he needs help.

But I also feel afraid that if I decide to stay, a few years from now he'll have a 'relapse' and that is something I will not accept. If he cheats one more time, I'm gone.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Marlie. I saw your original thread, and I stayed away because I had an idea what kinds of responses you'd get. I will address it here, since it's a safer place.

So my question is this: if your husband is a SA, and he goes to prostitutes or whatever, does he suddenly decide to check their ID first? Does he make a mental distinction, "Oh, this one's not 18 yet, I'd better not"?

My SAWH also used hundreds of prostitutes, and I had the dubious advantage of records to see what types he used and such for a big portion of it. There was no real trend or type, no evidence to suggest he was into minors or girls that looked young. I specifically asked about it, because we have daughters and use teenage babysitters. His take was it was entirely possible he had sex with minors, but not deliberately. Pros and johns do not check IDs, that is an industry standard. Strippers in our FOO home state could work at 17, and lots of strippers are also pros. So to answer your question, it is not likely any SA or any man for that matter that uses prostitutes is going to know the pro's real age, not going to ask because that is the culture, and it usually takes a lot to arrange a meeting, so they don't refuse unless stuff goes really awry. Strippers and pros have the most physical appeal in their teens and early 20s, so it is more likely a man involved with either is going to be using girls of that age group. The ones that are older usually are filling a specialty niche.

Here's my take on your original thread. SAs who are not in full recovery are liars. You still do not know the whole story. It is very likely, especially given he has gone to court already, that the body count is way higher than you think, and that there are more young or underage girls than you know. If that is going to be a dealbreaker for you, you need to prepare for that possibility now.

Expanding on that point, someone capable of lying and covering up what you are currently aware of, is very much capable of lying and covering up lots of other things. There may be drug history. There may be financial infidelity you are not aware of. If he has lived in other countries, or visited them, he may have criminal history there you are not aware of. I just want you to be prepared when you have a DD like you have, it may very well and likely is the tip of the iceberg. "Cheating" may be the least of your problems.

My other concern, is the longer they have been SA, the more the extreme the acting out becomes because just conquests are not enough. Since you don't have the full story, it is very possible that he's done some really sick and illegal things, worse than taking advantage of a older teen. And if he falls off the wagon, the potential for such worse things in the future is much greater.

Lastly, when they are that far gone, the therapy required is much more intense and specialized, and he has limited options from what you have told me. Even with the best care and full cooperation of the patient, it is a lengthy process - years. And still has a highly debated success rate. Because of his limited options, and that he already avoided responsibility with the law, has extreme history, etc...the future for him does not look promising.

Believe me, I have an idea what it's like for you. I was terrified when I found out the summary of the "real" story post DD, and my and frankly ANY child's safety was a very real concern for me. I had two psych docs give me their opinion on his potential to molest children. When he later failed a general poly, since one of the questions was about children, he was evaluated by a court psychiatrist who specialized in sex offenders and deemed not a risk. But the doc did give me a list of red flags to watch for, because he knows SAs have a greater chance of becoming such a risk when they fall off the wagon. SAWH passed an isolated child safety question on a subsequent poly, as well as one about his history, so I also have that reassurance. But it doesn't sound like a lot of these are options for you.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, because I have an idea of what you are going through and I remember that horrific initial time after DD. But I am also trying to prepare you for what is coming, because that will make a huge difference in the decisions you will have to make now. I thought I was pretty educated on what might happen, yet was completely blindsided on how events unfolded. I would have made very different decisions had I known then what I know now.

Lastly, please go get a full STD panel and see a L to find out your options ASAP. Meaning, what a D would look like, how you can protect yourself from his potential/past criminal activities, what it means if the therapist he goes to reports him for such activities, etc. You need to know what has to happen to file to your best advantage if you need to, what has to happen if he decides he'd rather file first than have anyone find out the truth, what steps you can protect yourself from his legal fallout.

Best of luck. Keep posting. Everyone in SI has such valuable knowledge and insight.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

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