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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
trappe25
♀ New Member
Member # 38513
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear PinkJeepLady:

I am wondering how you are right now.

I have read a few of your last posts and I hope that what I have to write does not upset you in anyway. Sometimes, see, when you post (it's happened to me many times now) you want confirmation or you want your hand held, when really what you need is a big dose of reality or something else, but really, you need to hear truth and not hand holding. That is my opinion.

I feel that your D day was quite a while ago. What I mean by that is: It was over a year ago. That is a long time for your husband to sit down and do the dirty work of healing you and your marriage and to change his cheating ways. See I believe that sex addiction is really simply cheating addiction. That is my opinion. If it were simply sex - the woman he married is right there with the very same parts as the prostitutes. So with our cheaters, it seems that they love to cheat with prostitutes. Prostitutes are usually very attractive, much younger and are visually stimulating - live, in color porn: As strip joint signs say: girls! girls! girls!

So that is what I feel about the SA/Cheating addiction. So your husband has had over a year to work very hard on his cheating addiction to paid women who he has all sorts of sexual fun with. Same thing with mine, ok? My H was a cheating addict and loved the young, hard bodied, half his age asian massage parlor prostitutes who would bathe him and everything else he wanted - what he described is what I just told you and told him - he was living live porn. Porn is usually filled with hard bodied young girls who do exactly what the man wants.

The reason I am describing so much to you is so that I can help you understand the reality of what you wrote previously. That just 2 WEEKS AGO - over one year past Discovery Day - your husband had a hand written note with prostitute names and MEASUREMENTS on a piece of paper you found and these prostitutes were in a city he was going to travel to. If this had been D day, then that is how you would have found out. But now, you find this list a couple of weeks ago.

Your husband, I'm afraid, has done little to no work.

You were/are in shock and he is deliberately in the midst of cheating again or planning to cheat or whatever you really want to believe, but he is not in recovery at all. This is not simply a slip, it is a total relapse.

I would suggest you buy Milton Magness's book Stop Sex Addiction - immediately, as in now. Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Milton's site...You need to listen to your heart, your stomach, your mind - yourself and stop believing your liar husband.

Again, this sounds harsh, but to me truth is never harsh - living a lie is the worst thing ever.

Again, and again - it has been over a year and this?

Please do not be upset with me - be upset with your husband. And buy the book and read and buy more books and read and go to counseling and more counseling because he is selling you the London Bridge in Costa Rica.

Regards, always.

[This message edited by trappe25 at 8:02 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SJ - I'm 6 months out from DD and have the same reactions. Feel like the whole world revolves around this SA Recovery stuff - MC, CSAT, Psychiatrist, SLAA meeting on the weekend. 4 hours of therapy/week!!! Well, this is not that much different than when the whole world was revolving around his clandestine activities. It's like one bad selfishness is traded for something that is hopefully good in the long run but equally as selfish in terms of time it sucks up. I did attend a couple of S-Anon meetings earlier this year and while I found them uplifting in some respects, I was also struck by how sad a few of the long term members were and it is almost like they are addicted to the pain of rehashing things over and over, which is what our marriage counselor was hoping I would clue into.

Yup! I was married to a SA for 16 years before separating, and this about sums it up. Now my atrocious divorce is consuming me the same way EXCEPT that at least the divorce ebbs and flows, and I'm spending the rest of my time taking care of myself and my children - and actually enjoying myself when not dealing with the D!

A therapist noted to me that I had spent so much time snooping on STBX, and worrying, and then doing his recovery crap that once I got separated from him I was going to have a LOT of time and energy to dedicate to re-building.

She was right. The difference is that the focus is FINALLY on me, things I can control, and a brighter future. Whew. A life without secrets or shame anymore. Imagine that, finally, after so many years!


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I am missing anyone- another disorganized and on the fly post from me. Busy days!

Missymomma-You sound good. I am so glad you are able to detach and feel OK, all considered. It is a very sad and frustrating thing after all the effort and great strides your H has made . . . detaching really is best.

SJ-I also think it is normal not to trust when the person is not trustworthy (i.e., not yet established in recovery). I am probably on the low end of snooping but I think the reasons for that are that my H seems less severely afflicted/advanced in progression, he voluntarily disclosed to me his acting out rather than me catching him, and he was full force in recovery pretty much from the get-go. That said, in the first few months I checked his laptop a few times and --the biggie-- I went into his SA workbook and read parts of it. My H was actually off the charts on "honesty" in the diagnostics so I am pretty confident he is honest in therapy and I figured it was most efficient to go straight for the book. My fear was that there was some huge part of the story I hadn't gotten and I could be at risk for HIV or HPV as well as emotionally led down the garden path. In my case, what was there matched what he had told me. I told him a few months later what I had done and he was upset but also understood it was a nec thing to protect me and our kids.

Poster with porn and personal photos: I am not sure about this. My H was primarily porn addicted and he has always been extremely fastidious, compulsive really, about not blending me and the porn world. Part of the reason I didn't figure this out earlier is that I never had requests from him for more kinky sex--to the contrary, I sometimes felt like he was too respectful and restrained in bed! *However* I have read from the spouses of other porn addicts that blending is common -- their spouse asked them to participate in more "porn-like" activities, took pictures of them, even posted their pictures on-line. Maybe you can ask your H why your photo was there? Perhaps preferably in the a therapy session with the CSAT there.

Kat--Switzerland! Wow! Have the most wonderful time. You deserve it. :)


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds22: If you are married to a SA, and you haven't been screened for HIV and HPV and other STDs, you need to go and make an appointment immediately.

Also SAs lie all the time in their recovery books, obviously.

What do you friends and family say to you about all of this? And your physician? There is not a physician out there who would not screen you for STDs.

What did your doctor say when you told him/her?


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was comprehensively tested for HIV and all other infectious diseases last spring (prior to looking in the book). My H is in the health care field and he met with the director of an infectious disease clinic and had a battery of tests done as well--though they said many things can only be tested on in the female partner. We are both clean. The actual sex act (oral) that was the acting out is at a very low but not zero risk of HIV transmission and the hpv risk of that is just not known.

I was recently screened for STDs a second time, six months later, still all clean.

I didn't tell my doctor any details, I just asked for the full panel. We are tied into the health care community here and there was no value added to me medically from sharing the SA piece. My family doesn't know. Two friends know, one is a psychiatric nurse and they have been more on the side of giving H a chance with therapy etc (though I think they would support me no matter what).

We are both very concerned about our health and the health risk from the SA. All I can say is that after months of rigorous therapy and active recovery, to the best of my knowledge, H's therapist's knowledge, his sponsor's knowledge, his workbook, etc there is nothing that has occurred to date that has put me at significant STD risk. But obviously none of us will ever have 100% certainty again. :(

[This message edited by cds22 at 10:55 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
stabbed81
♀ New Member
Member # 37686
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got diagonized with HPV last week on my routine gyn check up. Got it from him since we were onlies. Frustrated. Can't take it anymore.


Me-BW 32
Him-33 Sex addict x 5 years
Married 7 years together 13 years
3 year old DD

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Bay area
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Stabbed))) I am so sorry. I'm sending you tons of strength like we used to do on this board a long time ago.

As you can read from recent posts, it's just luck that everyone here doesn't have STDs. Again, I'm so sorry. You do not deserve this. You did not deserve to be treated this way. (((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, Stabbed, you can post on other threads about this if you need more support. I'm sorry no one else has written back to you. Have you used the General board? Or you can use Separated and Divorced if that's where you're heading.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
stabbed81
♀ New Member
Member # 37686
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your support.
I have not been posting here much since I can't get out of my deep murky problems.
This new diagnosis has set me back considerably. Really want to file for divorce because I feel like I can't be living with someone who has done this to me. Having said that I am also scared leaving the marriage. It would also mean for me to leave everything here and move back to a different country and restart my life. I feel very weak.
Sorry for rambling.


Me-BW 32
Him-33 Sex addict x 5 years
Married 7 years together 13 years
3 year old DD

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Bay area
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi stabbed, I'm so sorry you are going through this :( I can only send you virtual hugs. It might help you to know that there is a specific thread here in this "I can relate" forum that deals specifically with what you are going through, it's called "betrayed spouse std support" I believe, I'm sure you can get more insight there.
Take care


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stabbed, I'm so very sorry for what's happened to you. I totally understand how it's terrifying to contemplate divorce and the total life change it creates.

For me, I was unable to fully face and think about what was happening and what was ahead of me all at once. I had to face my reality in stages. Otherwise it was too much to bear. My very patient IC held my hand as I baby-stepped my way to freedom. I'd like to suggest that you go to the S/D forum and talk with the folks there. They're incredibly knowledgeable and supportive.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Stabbed. I'm just checking in on you, and I'm so glad that NG reached out to you. If you post on the S&D thread, tell your story, and ask for help and advice, I know you'll receive it. But mostly, you'll get support and sympathy there.

If you need support, please feel free to PM anytime.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
trappe25
♀ New Member
Member # 38513
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope:

Maybe you didn't mean to dis us or me - a new member, as you have been on this board a long time and you are now divorcing and all, but 2 posts to another new member caught me a little off.

Stating to new member, Stabbed81, that you are sorry no one has replied to her on this board yet and maybe she can go someone else for more support and then yet another post saying how you are sending her strength like this board use to send out strength to other members is to me in my opinion setting yourself above anyone one of us who didn't know the rules of sending out strength (( )) - good to know and also putting any one of us down who did not catch the new member posting just on Friday - it i s now 4:43 am my time Saturday.

Please try to be more supportive to us who are not glued to this site 24 hours a day. I check it quite often and I don't actually get too much strength or support, but I still accept that I can post here if I want to and don't think anyone is hurting me or being selfish if they can't or don't want to immediately respond.

I think strength comes not from sending hugs only, but from helping people with words, whether that be explaining what I am going through or helping someone see that their husband is a liar and stop living in la- la land.

By telling a new member twice to go to another thread who really also belongs in an SA is not in my opinion helping them or us. It would be like me telling you, Choosing Hope, that since you are going through a divorce, you should only be in the divorce thread.

Now to the important part:

As for you, Dear Stabbed81:

I am sorry you have an STD from your husband. I have screamed and yelled at my husband many times how lucky he is that he did not give me an STD and that he did not kill or hurt his unborn child by giving me an STD. He is lucky and I am grateful. It is just luck. People get STD's all the time whether or not they are SA's.

I also used to work in the medical field and you would not believe how many women have some sort of STD. It is the way of life for so many many people. You are certainly not a rarity if that helps - your neighbors, friends, relatives...there are plenty of company out there and hopefully some drug company will come out with something that will help you. You will have to go to the gyn every few months, then six months, then yearly for a long time. Lots of women get the cells burned off their cervix frequently. You would also not believe how many very wealthy - multi millionaires - that have STDS and how many celebrities. I know it doesn't help you, but just trying to let you know how very common it is and maybe even the biggest stars you watch on TV or big screen have a lot more in common with you than you think...

I have an acquaintance who was engaged to an MD - yes, a doctor, you gave her herpes and did not inform her he had it and sued him but he killed himself before the suit came to anything. She is left now with Herpes but is in a new relationship. I know of another gal whose husband gave her herpes and in the beginning it was so horrible and it only now acts up when she is extremely stressed - she takes daily meds to control it. They are still married, but when it comes back she is double hell on wheels. She is still married also Stabbed81 - so don't feel bad for being married to someone how has hurt you so much, not everyone can just get up and run and divorce. People who get divorced, I've noticed on this site and other marriage sites and in real life, will always try to sway you toward what they have done. It is comfortable to them and they have succeeded in their minds or reality, when really their life has nothing to do with yours. You will find out day to day what you want to or can do.

I cannot leave - period. I do not have the financial ability to. My husband makes good money - the f'r. I depended upon him throughout my whole life and now my DD depends upon him and she is under 4, so there you go. I'm not willing to put her safety - now that he understands how destructive he has been to our lives - in danger by getting a different apartment (we would have to get 2 apartments because LA is very expensive if you want to live in a nice area) and being subject to burglaries or worse. I live in a large metropolitan area where living in a large house with gates and security is worth living with an a$$hole as opposed to some tiny sh*t place with only one bedroom or studio so that I could live with my pride and get away from my a$$hole. Anyone who can do that I applaud, but I certainly understand any woman who does not choose to live like that, unless they live in a small town where everything is much cheaper.

And again, for being supportive or not, before I started posting I'd see some men try to slip in here and rarely were they supported or given strength.

Good luck to you, Choosing Hope in your divorce. Same to you, Nature Girl.

[This message edited by trappe25 at 7:06 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trappe, I'm sorry my post got you so angry and defensive. I think it was probably good, though, for you to get to vent a bit, and so I'm fine with it.

Stabbed, hope you're doing better today. I hope this exchange won't stop you from seeking support all over SI - and other places. I've seen posts before from women from other countries. They've had to make all sorts of difficult decisions about their marriages. And yes, Nature Girl said it best: you need to break things down into manageable chunks right now. You want to divorce, but you can't imagine how you will do it. So please take things one day at a time. Breath. Take care of yourself, physically. Getting STD tested was critical. And please reach out to anyone who might be able to help you: friends, family, a church if you go to one, any sort of therapist or psychologist if you can, women's groups, and here on SI - all the boards. Also, you might want to google family law centers and see if any are nearby. I spoke to the kindest woman at one near me right after D-Day, and she was so calm and kind that I will never forget it.

Also, try to remember that these are huge decisions ahead of you. You don't have to make them immediately, as long as you are physically safe. One day at a time.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stabbed, did they strain-type your kind of HPV? I believe this can be done and it is helpful because some strains are far more likely to raise cancer risk than others. But no matter what strain you have you are so much better off knowing than not knowing as now you can get preventative care and avoid problems. I know that is a small consolation under the circumstances, but still . . .

I also wanted to add that if I don't respond to anyone here it is not personal! I have two young kids and late afternoons and nights I don't have regular computer access. Friday nights in particular is our shabbat family dinner. Stabbed I hope you are feeling a bit better today.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I am so outraged that someone here suggested that I'm "comfortable" with divorce and that's why I would suggest it to someone else, I'm going to share here what I just put on the General forum in a thread there about why people stayed with their cheater.

I'll tell you why I stayed with a cheater for close to two decades:
* I took my wedding vows very seriously. I really meant it when I said "for better or for worse" and "'til death do us part".
* I thought if I could just love him enough, or in the right way, he'd come around.
* I thought if I had just the right kind of sex, he'd come around.
* I thought I was doing my duty as a Christian wife.
* I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents.
* I didn't want to be a single mom.
* I didn't want to disappoint my parents.
* I didn't want to be divorced. I thought being divorced meant I'd "lost", that I'd given up, that I was a quitter.
* I didn't want to surrender what little control I had to protect my children from their SA father.

And here's the biggie, the one that brings me the most shame:

* I didn't want to leave for financial reasons. I knew that I couldn't make it on my own financially with three children. So I lived with feeling like a prostitute, which is how he treated me anyway.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OH, NatureGirl)))

I will forever be thankful to you and my other dear friends here, both those who I've become friends with here. PM'ing, on FB, emails, and of course In Real Life. That's what I hope for the newbies.

I can add that I stayed because:

1) I thought that all of the treatment (plus my love) would "fix" his problems. (I was sold a false bill of goods here.) My STBX had years of the "best" treatment. All worked for a period of time; none worked for more than three years; he always ended up progressively worse and worse.

2) I thought *I* could fix his problems. (How arrogant of me.)

3) I thought that ANYTHING could be fixed in life though hard work, determination, and resources. (How naive of me, but this sort of thinking, in moderation, has served me well since the S.)

4) I couldn't even fathom the "failure" of divorce within my community of seemingly perfect people.

There are many different paths to take when you discover that your husband (or wife) has been cheating on you for years and exhibits the behaviors of a sex addict. I stayed for many years because of NG's reasons, plus my own. And because of SECRECY. If I had told my friends and family the truth, they would have stepped in, and I would have left STBX years earlier.

I was operating in a vacuum, which didn't let me see that there were different decisions I could have made.

It's critically important that new people here don't get the impression that there is only one path: to deal with a SA husband for years to come. You CAN leave and start over. I am extremely open and honest about my challenges in terms of divorcing a NPD SA man. It's not easy either. In my case, however, it was 100 percent the right choice.

It is not the right choice for everyone, but it certainly IS a valid choice, and one that IRL most women end up making.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I am not going to argue with you again Trappe. Certainly hope you can find some peace.

CH and NG, I like both of your lists. Mine is a little different but very similar. For now I chose to stay married, but honestly that is sometimes a day by day decision. Next week, I may decide to get divorced.

Both choices are valid, we need to support each other on that. SA causes enough strife for us, it is like the SAHM vs. working mom debate. As spouses of SA's, let's give each other a break and accept each other exactly where we are.


O.k. My list.

1. I take my wedding vows very seriously.
2. I don't want my kids to have divorced parents.
3. I don't want to be a single mom, again.
4. I want to protect my children from their SA/DA/WA narcissistic father.
5. I don't want to leave for financial reasons. I know that my children's standard of living will be greatly reduced. We would make it but their life would not have the advantages it does now.
6. I believe in the possibility of recovery. Even in some extreme cases, I have seen recovery work.
7. I am hooked by his turn arounds. He does just enough to keep me hooked in and hoping.



DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lists are good.

We can control our own lists. It's sort of empowering, I think, in a world that seems otherwise dominated by the actions of someone else (the SA).

Also, my world is still dominated by a sex addict. Final D court dates are in January unless STBX manages to postpone them again.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello sisters-Looks like I have some catching up to do since I've been away for a while.

Aruba was amazing! I wish everyone had the chance to have that experience! It was a wonderful place to renew my spirit and have enough clarity to decide the path towards my future. ScaredyKat-I can't wait to hear about the places you are getting to go! As great as it was, it's nice to be home & good to "see" you all!

Stabbed I'm sorry you had to join us but, welcome to our club. This site has been my life line since I found it back in April. I too got STDs from my SA. Thankfully it was resolved with antibiotics but, still, just icing on the cake. I know your situation is a little more complicated and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Just please take care of yourself & follow through with your doctor's recommendations. While its extremely extremely unfair that you have to deal with it at all just remember it can be managed.

I think about that song "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" a lot. For now, I'm staying. H is full force in recovery mode and has a humbleness & humility I've never seen in him. He is doing his dead level best to meet my needs & for now, that's enough for me. Will it be enough in 3 months, 6, 9. I don't know. What I've learned almost 7 months into this journey is that I'm not going to look too far down the road. Just short terms goals for now. I know I will never completely trust him the way I used to and, that makes me so sad. There are just too many possibilities when dealing with addictive behavior so, for today I just choose to stay and, watch.

There's another song I think about a lot too. An old Beatles song that says life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. So true isn't it?


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

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