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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
Missymomma
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Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds - I would be concerned if none of the others are sober. That is not a good mix! What about the other group?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
cds22
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Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. We would need to look into the other group - - but I know there is another big csat outfit in the city (we are in the suburbs). And they run groups as well.

It is possible that I misunderstood and the group members had some sobriety but just less than H(who only has 4-5 months)?? There were some participants whose goal was to go a week without sexual acting out and only use porn???


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds - I just know in my SAWH's group there are 2 with more sobriety than he, 3 about the same and 2 less. His CSAT has several groups and balances them out that way. It won't hurt to look at another group.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CDS, I can't speak to SAWH's limited experience with his first group, but I can speak to mine. I first took an intensive Weekends course where we met in a group the last 8 weeks. The CSAT running was not a good fit for me particularly, but I had already paid for the course and really didn't have any other options at the time. She really rubbed me the wrong way, and probably would have as a coworker or neighbor IRL. And she was a big proponent of the co-dep camp.

The mix of people was not like me. At all. Every single one of them could have left their SAWH except one, they had the financial means and family support to do so. Two of them had grown kids, two of them had teens about to fly the nest, one had no kids, one had a spouse whose acting out included abusing her daughter/his stepdaughter. The closest one "like" me was pregnant with their 3rd child (and I had just made SAWH have a vasectomy even tho I wanted another), but his and her whole family knew and her family would have supported her if she left.

I had my doubts. However, that short term group was absolutely invaluable. I saw so much of what I could not see in myself in others. I saw how much I needed IC for myself, how much work I needed to do to heal. I signed up for another group right after it ended (led by another CSAT), and four of the six people in that group came from this first group.

So I am just saying 1) don't discount the group on first appearances and 2) be wary of any SA looking for any excuse to get out of therapy that makes them uncomfortable.

However, the accepting of porn in sobriety isn't really sobriety, that is a red flag to me. I don't know what the CSAT said in response to that, so it may be the SAs who said that are just stupid. If the CSAT is saying that's ok, I would shop for another group.

But again, if it was *my* SAWH saying this about group two years ago, I wouldn't believe a word coming out of his mouth. Not only because of the honesty issue, but he was too wacked out from the addiction to see reality. It takes a long time, even when they really want to make changes, for them to see things as they really are.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cds - there will be SAs that really struggle with sobriety in the group, that is just part of SA. It wasn't really my SAWH's issue, his was not really digging deep and being in recovery full force. But he definitely has some that struggle in his group.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you again for the wise advice!

It is not H who is saying he wants to leave the group -- he said he wanted to finish out the 9 remaining weeks and just get it over with. This group meets a few blocks from our house which is a huge positive. Though he did say repeatedly last night that he cannot wait for this part of his life to be behind him and be in deep recovery/recovered. I keep on bringing up switching groups. I just can't see paying $70 a session and more the point wasting our valuable family time on this group if another group would be more useful for him. And I don't think we can survive two rounds of group close together -- if H ever does another group it won't be until spring/summer 2014 or beyond.

ETA: Just asked and csat did not call out porn only person or comment about addiction, can't do that etc. H said therapist mainly went on and on (and on) about confidentiality and how brave and beautiful everyone was for sharing and being honest.

[This message edited by cds22 at 8:54 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok CDS, then, I personally don't see an issue with the sobriety if he is not endorsing porn as part of sobriety. It is likely the ones that said that are not educated enough on the process and the CSAT didn't want to discourage their honesty this early in the game. He will likely address it later. IME and from what I've heard, a LOT of SAs and spouses do group therapy only, because that is all they can afford, so they are way behind on the learning curve of recovery. They often don't know what books to read, how 12 step plays a part, haven't done any real work because they don't know how. When IC is $140 and group is $70, often it is all they can do to just pay for group, KWIM?

And honestly I think there is advantages to having some struggling with sobriety in the beginning. SAWH said part of the reason he lied about his sobriety so long in 12 step and therapy was he didn't want to be the only guy that couldn't make it week to week. Everyone in his two 12 step meetings that weren't brand new had long sobriety histories. There has to be a feeling that your group/12 step is a safe place to share about your struggles.

What I caution you about is the attitude of "getting past this phase" in terms of time management. Yes, things improve personally, emotionally, etc as you progress in recovery but the time management aspect really does not. He will always have to go to meetings 2x a week. He might have to go to group or IC less often, but not that much less. He will have to work the steps over and over again to ensure they are still working in his life. Addiction of any kind has no cure, only maintenance.

So it sucks it takes up so much time that you feel should be spent with family or together or whatever, but the truth is unless the addiction is managed, you don't get the time with family or together or whatever anyway. It is the price you pay to have time at all.

And for us, that sucks and is a bitter pill to swallow. We continually have to fight resentment because we deserve better. But it is a choice we make to endure this or not. And you eventually learn to accept it and appreciate it for what it is, if it improves your life. Or get out if it doesn't.

Sorry again this is not a ray of sunshine. I just want to be honest. If I knew exactly what all of this entailed in the beginning, I probably would have taken a different path. I know now I was informed what I needed to know as it unfolded for a reason, and that it all worked out for the best for me thus far. But I also feel that I was educated this way to share what I learned with others so they can make educated choices of their own.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok CDS, then, I personally don't see an issue with the sobriety if he is not endorsing porn as part of sobriety. It is likely the ones that said that are not educated enough on the process and the CSAT didn't want to discourage their honesty this early in the game. He will likely address it later. IME and from what I've heard, a LOT of SAs and spouses do group therapy only, because that is all they can afford, so they are way behind on the learning curve of recovery. They often don't know what books to read, how 12 step plays a part, haven't done any real work because they don't know how. When IC is $140 and group is $70, often it is all they can do to just pay for group, KWIM?

And honestly I think there is advantages to having some struggling with sobriety in the beginning. SAWH said part of the reason he lied about his sobriety so long in 12 step and therapy was he didn't want to be the only guy that couldn't make it week to week. Everyone in his two 12 step meetings that weren't brand new had long sobriety histories. There has to be a feeling that your group/12 step is a safe place to share about your struggles.

What I caution you about is the attitude of "getting past this phase" in terms of time management. Yes, things improve personally, emotionally, etc as you progress in recovery but the time management aspect really does not. He will always have to go to meetings 2x a week. He might have to go to group or IC less often, but not that much less. He will have to work the steps over and over again to ensure they are still working in his life. Addiction of any kind has no cure, only maintenance.

So it sucks it takes up so much time that you feel should be spent with family or together or whatever, but the truth is unless the addiction is managed, you don't get the time with family or together or whatever anyway. It is the price you pay to have time at all.

And for us, that sucks and is a bitter pill to swallow. We continually have to fight resentment because we deserve better. But it is a choice we make to endure this or not. And you eventually learn to accept it and appreciate it for what it is, if it improves your life. Or get out if it doesn't.

Sorry again this is not a ray of sunshine. I just want to be honest. If I knew exactly what all of this entailed in the beginning, I probably would have taken a different path. I know now I was informed what I needed to know as it unfolded for a reason, and that it all worked out for the best for me thus far. But I also feel that I was educated this way to share what I learned with others so they can make educated choices of their own.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath - That is interesting, in my area it is different. The good CSATs, there are about 6 in my area, don't take patients for group that are not in IC. Some of the lesser CSATs do but you can tell those SAs and spouses really struggle. It is sad to see, after a while they usually change CSATs or just drop out. The drop out rate seems so high with SAs. My point with the men's group is that if there is no one with longer sobriety, it kind of puts the person with 5 months sobriety as the leader. I would not want my SAWH to be that in a group. He needs people he can really learn from and that are willing to dig deep. Of course my SAWH really likes to be a "good guy" so that is why that dynamic would worry me.

CDs - That would worry me too, not calling him out on the porn use! My SAWHs current CSAT is very firm with his patients and does not coddle them. He is big on them becoming men with integrity and not weak little boys. Maybe your SAWH could go to one more session and see if it improves? There are some CSATs that aren't very good, the two of you will have to decide if this is the right group for you. For us, the time management has improved over the last couple of years. Finding meeting at the right time and therapy at the right time have gotten better. I think it kind of gets into a rhythm and everyone is used to the schedule. 5 years out it isn't uncommon for people to go to one meeting a week and occasional therapy. Of course, that depends on how severe their addiction is and if there are any other personality disorders. My SAWH will have to do therapy for a bit longer than others because of his severe childhood abuse.

Every situation is slightly different and we all have to figure out what works best for us. That is one thing the treatment center really emphasized to my husband. He needed to take control of his recovery and guide his treatment. It is true for me, as well. Learning to trust our own gut and path in life is such a gift of recovery!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are now officially 6 months out from D-day. Over the last 2-3 months I've gradually been feeling a greater sense of stability but, that word is pretty relative right? I feel like we made progress in the initial post discovery period but, it seems to me that it has gradually slowed to a stop. Nothing has really changed. H is still going to SA meetings, IC, MC and still trying hard. When I say trying what I'm seeing is a real effort to maintain a lighter mood, doing helpful things around the house, texting me "I love yous" but, our conversations have gradually dropped off therefore, I'm feeling very disconnected which, if left untreated, sends me right back to the beginning.

Sadly,I have come to the conclusion that he is not capable of initiating a conversation of any depth so that leaves it up to me, every time. We talk about the news, weather, family stuff, etc. but, that's kind of where it ends. It has always been so hard for me to talk to him about sensitive topics. Now I know about his passive-aggresive and avoidance issues & why he used certain tactics to cut conversation off when things got too deep. I decided a long time ago to just deal with things myself and leave him out if it was at all possible just so I wouldn't have to deal with his shitty attitude and defensiveness. He was always right about everything and unless you did things the way he wanted it done, it was wrong. I felt like I never could please him but, nevertheless, I kept trying hard to do it.

Now, I'm finding that old habits die pretty hard. I find myself stuffing down feelings that we were able to talk about just 3 months ago. Whenever I bring up something about his acting out, he gets this pained look on his face and closes his eyes. It's as if a brick wall just went up between us. He will answer my questions but, still doesn't offer anything else and his tone of voice doesn't set well with me. He uses a lot of sarcasm and self defeating statements. To be fair, I know that his guilt and shame are huge factors in this but, it is still unsettling to me for some reason. I still don't trust him yet. I don't know if this is something anyone else has noticed about their SA or not but, when I look at H's eyes, I don't see him in there. They look completely hollow and it makes me wonder where he really is.

He didn't want to separate but, said he would go if I wanted him to. I told him I did but, caved when he actually packed his bag. He said he was planning to go to an extended stay hotel. Yep, that's what I needed to hear was that he would be staying at a sleazy hotel by the interstate where all the hookers hang out. I couldn't stand the thought of that or the idea that he would act out due to desperation. I know I can't control things but, my heart got the better of me and I felt like I was turning him loose to deal with his demons on his own and I guess I felt like he wouldn't be able to pass the test. If he didn't, it would certainly seal our fate.

So, what's wrong with me? I feel like a loser. I have no respect for myself that I didn't have the fortitude to actually let him go. To let us see if he has learned anything. See if he would be able to withstand the temptations. No, that just seemed way to risky for me and all I could see is that I was forcing him out knowing full well that he is ill equipped to deal with that kind of pressure yet. If he passed, that would have been a glorious achievement but, I simply couldn't see a way to deal with the possibility of failure.

I see so many strong women on here who have learned and evolved into experts at interacting with the SA in their life. That's where I want to be but, I feel a long way off. I'm not sure I will ever to be able to put this behind me. The repeated acting out for so many years without my knowledge seems to be a mortal wound. My head says it had nothing to do with me but, then why do I feel so violated?

OK, I'm stuck. I guess I'm going to need a gentle nudge from my comrades out there to get me back on track.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
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Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta - You are not a loser!!! You are a strong brilliant, wounded woman. As far as staying a a sleazy monthly renal, my SAWH's CSAT recommended against that. Not wise to put oneself in that kind of position, especially in early recovery. He did a monthly rental. There are a few websites that can be used, this is where having a young adult child helped (they are much more up on these things). It just depends if there is anything like that in your area. We decided that if we were going to stay married, he needed to come home. Different therapists have different views on separating. Some say it is helpful for couples recovery and some say it is harmful. One of those things that you two have to decide together. (Sorry I keep harping on that but really, we have to learn to trust ourselves in recovery).


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never trusted myself. Really, not ever. I married a man with the temperment of my father. I wish he had the morals my father has but, that's for a different day. My dad and H are both perfectionists, unyeilding men who always know best. After so many years of not being able to live up to unrealistic expectations I feel like an emotional cripple. I know it's not right and it's not healthy but, living a life outside of everything you've always thought about yourself seems a bit overwhelming.

I am smart. I know the right answers. It frustrates me that I can't trust myself to be right.

That might be considered a rant because I'm not sure any of it makes sense to anybody. It certainly makes no sense to me.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, you have always stood out to me for your level head and warm heart. I think both were at play in this decision -- not loserhood! If you are not (mostly) certain that you want to end the M, in my own view separation can be a bell that is hard to unring. Also, being frank with you, it does not sound to me like your H is in the type of deep recovery to withstand sleazy hotel AND to the best of my understanding a big piece of recovery for even the most stable recovered SA is not to put themselves in tempting situations because slips and relapses can always happen.

Also, if you ultimately decide to separate, IME people do exactly what you are doing. Unlike the movies there is not one glorious break . . . the move toward D in fits and starts, bit by bit.

I agree with missymomma that there are other housing options too. If you decide to go this route, check out short-term sublets, sabbatical rentals, and also a good option can be people that rent rooms in their home or house-mate situations. It is back to Craigslist actually but the housing sections!

There is no shame and in fact much to be said in waiting a year to decide. My own view though is that you don't want to just wait during that year--I would start exploring whether you could get a higher paying job, your housing options, etc. I have some idea how terrifying it is - -I am financially OK but I have zero family support and in fact almost zero family left. Hugs to you Outta!

As for me and this group therapy saga, we are going to give it a few more meetings and see it improves. It is really H's call--in my view though there are red flags and as I mentioned I met this CSAT and was not overly impressed. As for the long-term, our thinking had been that around three years from now we would be down to a once a week SA meeting for H, once a month IC for him, and once a month MC (and perhaps after that alternating once monthly IC and MC). Of course it is hard to know how recovery will go but at some point, his CSAT seemed to indicate that while he would need some ongoing support for life it would be more like what I describe than our current reality. Frankly, I am not up for a family life that consists of H working late once a week and then 3 other meetings per week. We would have to D or he would need to change jobs.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
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Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reality check cds. I am pretty hard on myself as I have always expected the same perfection of myself as my dad & H have. Sometimes, well, many times I need the reminder that there is no perfect way to handle this. I want very much to be strong and courageous and to not be afraid and am really, really working at it with everything I have. I just feel so drained at times it's hard to stay focused. I have developed high blood pressure over the last few months and went on medication for that 2 weeks ago. I was taking a mild AD which was really helping but, had to quit taking it a while back because I developed a tremor in my hands. You might see where the problem is when you start IV's for a living!

Maybe it will work. Maybe not. One thing that scares me is that I have read more about SA than H. I don't really think he could comprehend some of them as they are very clinically written. He reads his white book and big book every day as well as his daily bible reading. I see some of the red flags talked about with the white knuckling but, am helpless to articulate that concept to H. He simply doesn't get it but, displays many, many symptoms. I just don't know what to do about it. I facilate between being concerned for him and being absolutely terrified that it will all come crashing down. Suggestions?

I can't survive another SA crisis. I really can't. So, how do I go about addressing my concerns to him in a way he can understand? Mind you, he is very proud of maintaining his sobriety and thinks he is doing just fine. That's when I start thinking it's just me. My gut tells me something is off but, I just don't know what it is or even how to go about figuring it out.

I express to you all again my gratitude for the help & support you have given me. I really could not have made it even this far without you.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, I totally identify with everything you have posted and think you are doing AWESOME for six months out. Go you!

I totally understand whiteknuckling without knowing you are white knuckling, and not being capable of understanding it. It is actually very common with all addicts. Basically that improves with lots of time, practice, and a hardass sponsor or therapist. (((hugs))) Not a thing you can do to push that wet noodle, it is a journey he has to take on his own.


And FWIW, I agree with CDS and Missymomma. If you want to R, and don't need him out to figure out what you want, there's no shame in letting him stay. Separate bedrooms can accomplish a lot that way, I hear. You are just gunshy about trusting yourself, and who wouldn't be under the circumstances. Give yourself time to heal some and get your confidence back. Then you will feel better about making tough decisions.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for me and this group therapy saga, we are going to give it a few more meetings and see it improves. It is really H's call--in my view though there are red flags and as I mentioned I met this CSAT and was not overly impressed. As for the long-term, our thinking had been that around three years from now we would be down to a once a week SA meeting for H, once a month IC for him, and once a month MC (and perhaps after that alternating once monthly IC and MC). Of course it is hard to know how recovery will go but at some point, his CSAT seemed to indicate that while he would need some ongoing support for life it would be more like what I describe than our current reality. Frankly, I am not up for a family life that consists of H working late once a week and then 3 other meetings per week. We would have to D or he would need to change jobs.

FWIW, there was someone in my group whose SAWH had a similar history and DD to mine but he embraced recovery from the very beginning. They did not have the disclosure issues we had because she didn't want to know past stuff, only sobriety going forward. So her life now is similar to what you are talking about in your future 3rd year out. I think they do IC twice a month (down from weekly, working towards once), had just started MC maybe six months ago so I am not sure how often, and last I heard he was still doing 12 step twice a week. However, he had a 9-5 no overtime job so it was easier to balance that with her and the two kids with activities outside of school. So that scenario is certainly possible with an SA fully committed to recovery.

I would not dare speculate on odds tho. I know in our case, that scenario in year three is not very likely. And SAWH knows he is to blame for that.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for me and this group therapy saga, we are going to give it a few more meetings and see it improves. It is really H's call--in my view though there are red flags and as I mentioned I met this CSAT and was not overly impressed. As for the long-term, our thinking had been that around three years from now we would be down to a once a week SA meeting for H, once a month IC for him, and once a month MC (and perhaps after that alternating once monthly IC and MC). Of course it is hard to know how recovery will go but at some point, his CSAT seemed to indicate that while he would need some ongoing support for life it would be more like what I describe than our current reality. Frankly, I am not up for a family life that consists of H working late once a week and then 3 other meetings per week. We would have to D or he would need to change jobs.

FWIW, there was someone in my group whose SAWH had a similar history and DD to mine but he embraced recovery from the very beginning. They did not have the disclosure issues we had because she didn't want to know past stuff, only sobriety going forward. So her life now is similar to what you are talking about in your future 3rd year out. I think they do IC twice a month (down from weekly, working towards once), had just started MC maybe six months ago so I am not sure how often, and last I heard he was still doing 12 step twice a week. However, he had a 9-5 no overtime job so it was easier to balance that with her and the two kids with activities outside of school. So that scenario is certainly possible with an SA fully committed to recovery.

I would not dare speculate on odds tho. I know in our case, that scenario in year three is not very likely. And SAWH knows he is to blame for that.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Outta

I totally understand whiteknuckling without knowing you are white knuckling, and not being capable of understanding it. It is actually very common with all addicts. Basically that improves with lots of time, practice, and a hardass sponsor or therapist. (((hugs))) Not a thing you can do to push that wet noodle, it is a journey he has to take on his own.

What Hath said...and gently...you HAVE to give this up to your higher power. You simply have NO CHOICE. It is out of your control. It is the hardest thing for a spouse to truly get. Especially for those of us in long term marriages where we were essentially single parents who did it all, and thought we could fix everything.

Realistically, everything you are trying to tell him about sobriety, white-knuckling etc is going in his ears and out again, and all he is hearing is what Charlie Brown heard from the teacher "whaa-whaa-whaa." And it's most likely not intentional on his part, if he is anything like my SAFWH, he is INCAPABLE of taking in any more information than he is getting right now.

If he's reading the white books, doing IC and meetings and reading the Bible, he is doing a lot. IMHO, some of the rest of it has to sink in IN HIS TIME. I strongly suspect he is hearing a lot of what you are saying in meetings. It gets through eventually.

It's so freaking hard to be patient. And I know that Sanon didn't work for you. But do try to work the steps for YOURSELF. It can bring you serenity.

As to your physical separation, I would also be afraid of that setup. We didn't separate, except briefly. The mental detachment that I achieved with working the steps was enough. As you know, getting back the attachment is now the challenge. None of it is easy.

Hugs and LIGHT.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@eyes...how are you? I've read a few of your posts on S&D but didn't feel comfortable responding there. I just wanted to send you support. You sound like a wonderful and strong person, yet we know the toll this takes on one's soul...

I just want you to know that I'm holding you in my heart.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now we're back to everything being my fault. I "lied" to him about money (I spent MY money on MY kids), and that so emasculated him and made him into "a shell of who I was." And because he was so lost and defeated and a "shell" of a man, he just HAD to watch porn. And solicit a prostitute (he got arrested for this, it was a sting yet he still claims he was only trying to rescue her because she looked so young). And troll for group sex on CL. And troll for blow jobs on CL. And troll for shemales online.

*I* made him do all of that. And THEN I made him start an affair with his Ex-Wife.

Wow. I am some kind of powerful bitch! I must be the most powerful and awful woman EVER!


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
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