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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so behind on this thread.

CDS, my two cents. Phone meetings are great for supplementing hard times and for when you travel, but not a real substitute for live meetings. I wouldn't do it.

I totally get what you mean. Does SA have weekend meetings where you are? My SAWH does one night meeting, one evening IC, one Sunday morning meeting. And when he starts group therapy some day, it will likely be Saturday morning. It sucks having to essentially be a single parent during those times but it is what we work with.

The other thing he does is he does not sleep in almost ever. He gets up and fixes them breakfast every morning he does not have to go in early to work to meet somebody so he can at least see the kids in the morning.

Last thing is that since his evening IC is on Fridays, the kids stay up later on Friday to see him. Not much, 30-60 minutes but it beats not seeing him at all.

HTH.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"My husband told me he likes to come on breasts and faces and he owned a porno called facials. I find it very objectifying of woman. It was always a fight cause he will just squeeze one of my breasts randomly and then he'd get upset when I told him to stop. He claims he thought I wasn't sexual and this is why he turned to others. I do think its sa behavior."

Confused777:

Hi, first post on this section. My H is SA also. Regarding what you wrote about coming on breasts, etc. If he were not an SA - then I wouldn't see it as that much of a problem or even objectifying, etc. Men like what they like, you know? But that is with HEALTHY men. You are not married to a man with a healthy sex history or life. You are married to a sex addict who abuses porn/sex/you. So - for him this is more than just healthy sex. I hope you can talk further about this with your counselor and have you had formal disclosure with a poly? I think with this behavior it would be good for you to really know, for sure, if he has truly been able to stop the porn. His addict is always talking to him and only the very strong with a lot of help can control the addict. He sounds like he may be having trouble with the addict - just my opinion.

Be strong. Work out - I hate working out, but I always tell other women married to these jerks (sorry, but to me all SA's are jerks unless they are in total recovery - does that happen?) to look out for yourself first and that starts with eating properly and working out. My mother died recently and I put on 25 pounds - and I really hurt myself by doing that. Now, I'm working on being the best physically I can be - because I have to worry about myself and my physical health is where I have complete control - not something like cancer, but what I put into my mouth and how I treat myself.

Sorry to digress. Disclosure/poly....

Then, if in the future, you want to do other non-"normal" sexual stuff like semen on the chest or whatever with the SA, then that is where you will decide if he is actually ready and healthy enough to do so.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of generous and attentive foreplay, very loving, both of us fully present and enjoying it very much. But we never got to intercourse because he decided he liked the feelings he was having during foreplay enough to "go with it" and, um, ejaculated on my stomach. (I know, TMI)

He swears no porn or SA involved in that decision in any way, but...? To go without sex for so long and it ended like that?

I think he is a man who likes to see his semen come out and onto a woman. This is a main theme in porn. Men grow up watching and thinking this is the way to have sex and it becomes a huge turn on. I have had to watch a lot of porn ( I know, gross) to try and understand an addiction to porn and though I still do not understand it and do not like porn at all (I know some women do like it) I did see that a main focus is when the man ejaculates and where he ejaculates. I think it is known as the "money shot". Remember, porn is acting. So if your SA was addicted to porn this is just ingrained in him after watching years and 1000s of hours of porn. Really - men love porn. SA's live it.

You can work on a healthy sex life - it will take years I'm sure. SAs don't know what healthy is - that is why they need 12 steps, IC, Group counseling, marriage counseling, full disclosure, poly, total transparency.

[This message edited by mychild at 3:17 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds22:
H's CSAT wants him to start a men's therapy group for 10 weeks. H currently works late one night per week, attends two SA meetings on two other nights, and has his IC appointment in the late afternoon another day. H talked to sponsor about doing one in person SA meeting and one lunch/weekend internet meeting during the 10 weeks he was doing group therapy. Sponsor said no! It was too vulnerable a time.

Hi. I do not know how long your SA has been in treatment or how long he has been doing SA meetings or when D-day was. So without that knowledge, my 2 cents would be to really consider the group over the second SA meeting unless he could find a weekend morning group. I hope his sponsor would not be upset with him, but really, the sponsor should understand how important a men's group is. My SA wasn't finding IC as important as his group so we decided to stop the IC as he really wasn't getting enough out of it and only do the mens group, which he really likes. It's important for him, himself, to go every single week, whereas he didn't enjoy the IC as much - they didn't have a lot to talk about after a while... But he also attends two SA meetings a week he just loves also. Like was mentioned earlier - maybe a weekend morning meeting. But in the end it is what you BOTH are comfortable with. My 2 cents - the group is invaluable.

[This message edited by mychild at 3:34 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, mychild, you may Be a new member but it sounds as though you are an SA expert. I wish I thought that was a career choice and not because, like the rest of us, you were forced to learn in order to survive.
Welcome, and thanks for your insight. I have learned a lot in 5 years, that even the experts don't always get it right,that the field is changing, some "truths" from 5 years ago are no longer gospel, etc. But one thing has remained static. My foundation, my support and my strength has come from the women with- whom I've shared the dubious distinction of being the wife of an SA. You teach and inspire me daily...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots going on here! Let me try to catch up.

cds - My two cents is that your SAWH hadn't fallen as far into his addiction as some others, therefore I would think that doing a phone meeting for his extra meeting for the 10 weeks would be fine. My SAWH just does one SA meeting and his men's group as his 2nd meeting. That is fine with his CSAT and sponsor. He has also said he gets more out of his mens group than anything else. I would not stop IC with a CSAT, however. That seems dangerous before year 3 or so, IMHO.

mychild - It would be nice if you told us a little about yourself and what you are going through.

Woman - My SAWH's main problem has been sexual and intimacy anorexia. He is not a love addict, however. So for us, finally having a satisfying intimate life is so rewarding. That is hopefully going to continue to grow.

Spinning - To me, what you are talking about is one of those things that you are going to have to decide how it felt. If you felt like the sex was disconnected and you were being used, then it was. KWIM? Learning to validate our own reality is super important.

Confused - Considering separating sounds brilliant! I agree with the others, it rally doesn't matter if he is bi or not. The sexual addiction is the problem.

AFM, have been really busy. Things are going well. I was a little under the weather today, so hoping to be better tomorrow. Have to get ready for vacation.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the advice! I suspect that the sponsor is a control freak . . . but he has spent a lot of time with H for which I am grateful. Missymomma, thanks for your advice as well. Our hope was to allow the group therapy to sub for the second SA meeting for the 10 weeks AND to toss in a second internet meeting on top of all of that to appease his sponsor. On IC, what his CSAT was thinking was not stopping IC but during the ten weeks of group he would have IC only 1-2 times per month and then once group ended he would resume his normal three times per month IC. It seems like such a reasonable plan. H is going to talk to sponsor again and therapist again --they are both quite determined.

Hope everyone is doing well!


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't speak for SA group therapy, but when I went through spouse of SA group therapy...you needed IC to process what came up in group, in addition to your usual stuff so slowing that down doesn't help either. So I know it sucks, but I would lump the ten weeks and do it all if it's possible. Slowing stuff down has a slippery slope effect and it is difficult to regain momentum. IDK what ages your kids are, but honestly they will not remember him being unusually busy for ten weeks. They will remember if he has to redo therapy and you are both frustrated as a result, has a slip/relapse, etc though so why risk it?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep thinking I'm detaching, but the truth always comes out. He's an hour late coming home from his 12 step meeting and I have major mind movies going on. FML. I'm so f-ing sick of this.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadone29 it's possible he is talking one on one with a group of the members. They may have gone out for coffee or something. After my first S Anon meeting I was invited out for coffee or ice cream.

Any "Anon" meeting is very structured and except for the sharing part, you don't really interact with the other members. Getting together after the meeting and being free to deviate from the structure is a good oppty for members to share experiences and interact. He may learn a lot if this is the case.

Also, as they say in S-Anon, you have to admit you are powerless. That means we have to acknowledge we have no control over what the addict thinks or does. It's wasted energy.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks womaninflux. I do know this intellectually. For some reason, I'm the one who reads that part every week at S-Anon: I am powerless over his behaviour. And most of the time I am detached. I don't snoop, I no longer ask for him to restrict his computer time, etc. But the flip side of that is that I don't trust the slightest bit, and I'm certainly not going to let myself get close enough to get hurt again.

I guess I just got triggered last night. I couldn't help my mind from going to the 'what ifs'. I knew he was most likely chatting with others, but couldn't stop my mind from wondering.
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to place a boundary which asks for him to call if he's going to be over an hour after meeting ends. What's more important, chatting with others or helping me feel a bit more secure? He agreed, which is nice. It just sucks that before DDay, I wouldn't have thought twice about him being late. This is life now.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad one I am sending pm to you


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the boy is about 7 hours away this weekend for a one night.

He did ask my permission to go. He did promise to stay in touch. He does understand this is really hard on me.

My nerves are on edge. But I wanted him to go. A favorite designer of his is doing a very rare signing and a swap meet of his products, I couldn't get the time off on short notice. This will be good for us... To see if he can live up to his promises of keep in touch with me.

Eeeeeekkkkkkk. Going to be a LONG weekend.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I checked out S-Anon on line and it gave me a number to call for my area. I called and it connected with voice mail (said it always does) and left a message. This was Thursday. Does it usually take this long?

You all are so much stronger than I. I'm just at the beginning of the journey, but I've pretty much decided that I don't want to go through years of uncertainty and policing his actions. I'm his wife, not his mother.

I had no clue prior to all this. I'm kinda looking at it like he's been taken over by a pod person. He looks like the man I love, sounds like him too. But he isn't the man I love, maybe he never really was.


Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can sometimes get a meeting list online if you are in a major city. Search for s anon + whatever city


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini, if you don't hear from someone, call again. Volunteers man those phone lines and we don't always check everyday. Meetings divide up the weeks and people forget to check.
Often there is vague information that a meeting is available in such and such a city but the details have to be given over the phone. That's to weed out people who don't belong.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
BFFGone
♀ Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I found this...with we had our own topic area...this is a little hard to follow, not to complain!! I'm happy to have found you all.

I'm 7 months out from Dday. H participated in multiple EA, PA's stretching over an 8 year period. Porn addiction, text/email addiction. Basically an attention and list addict.

I demanded immediate addiction recovery program (outpatient, 10 days). He lived in a rented condo until last week. He goes to 2-3 SA meetings a week, IC, MC, medication. All vestiges of contact from his acting out days has been erased (new phone number, no texting, parental controls on all devices).

He is complying with a very long boundary list. He seems very committed and honestly hasn't wavered since he started his recovery.

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to as well: IC, taking time for me, working an SAnon program, etc.

I feel he's doing great, he is present with the kids and i more than ever, he cant do enough for me, he talks about how his head is clear, he's more in love,with me than his addictions ever allowed him to be yada yada yada......

BUT...........

Some days I'm just so angry still.

So, because I'm awesome and together and I'm patient and willing to work, he gets all these chances to reclaim the amazing life he shit upon.

I don't feel angry everyday, I just have my moments. I'm laid up with an AcL tear, I had a head injury too...could of put me in the ground honestly...it was a bad accident. 2 months ago I had a kidney infection that hospitalized me (I'm generally a picture of health and super active).

I get this weird shaking at night, in bed with him. Feels like my skin can't hold me in.

Working on all this with my IC.

I do love him. The "him" I think I know.

Therein lies the rub for me...I thought I was married to Prince Charming. Honestly, he had the universe fooled, with me at the head of the line.

Anyway...that's me.

Glad I found you guys.

One day at a time,,right?

((Hugs to all the partners/victims of SA and their behaviors))
Xoxo


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2013
confused777
♀ New Member
Member # 39629
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the most fucked up thing I've ever had happen in my life. He paid 120 on August 7th to run cocks and have bi-oral and then come on her breasts. Who is this man?

I am so heart broken as I have loved him and had planned my future with him and had a baby with him.

Why did he marry me? He was already messing with others. Why did he have a child with me.
WTF !!!!!

He is the most selfish, devious arsehole. I haven't said anything as my niece is here. I am going to see a divorce attorney. This is so thoroughly unfair and fucked up for both my son and me. SCREW HIM


Choices are easy to make, even the most difficult of choices are made in the span of a heart beat. It is coming to terms with the results of these choices which can take a very long time indeed.

In limbo

At least this fence is mine to own and


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, BFF. Welcome. First of all, hugs. Secondly, OMG! You have been through so much, not only dealing with a man-child-SA but with all your physical troubles.

And, I hear you. It is certainly not fair, they (the SA in recovery) have a clear path to follow, they get a nice little chip/coin, and the accolades of their group for doing what we were doing for years, being loving, attentive and FAITHFUL.

We also have the trauma of trying to figure out how we were so fooled. How we didn't see who we really were married to.

I learned that I had to allow myself the anger, I had to vent about it, I had to TELL SAfWH how angry I was, and he had to learn to take it. He wasn't always a good listener, but he learned to be. Sometimes I wasn't quiet and patient and polite in my recitations of how his actions affected me. I try to follow the advice I learned in SANON "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." But wasn't always successful.

Some here had the benefit of a formal impact statement under supervision of a CSAT. Is that possible in your case?


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((confused))))))))))))

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there IRL to help. Hang on. Be strong for your child. Is there anyone IRL you can go to? Can you throw his sick ass out?


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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