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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Hath said...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
confused777
♀ New Member
Member # 39629
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am rolling the word seperation on my tongue and trying it on for size. I am determined to leave and then I'm with him and its like he is my compulsion. He has been my life and love for 13 years. I guess I have to understand that his feelings are not mutual at all. He likes that I worship him and don't argue and he gets his way. I don't think he really loves me.

My problem is - will anyone ever want me. My other problem is that I am still in married and mommy mode. I don't want to date etc. I know I don't need too but my nature is to have a partner. Say my prince charming doesn't exist. At least he's willing to put up with me ( ) I am really fucked up by this.

So right now I am hypothetically standing on the ledge looking at the abyss. My history is to not jump into the unknown - so wish me luck to set us both free.


Choices are easy to make, even the most difficult of choices are made in the span of a heart beat. It is coming to terms with the results of these choices which can take a very long time indeed.

In limbo

At least this fence is mine to own and


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else with a Sex Anorexic/Love Addict SAWH? I am so frustrated by the lack of connection I feel to my H.

My H stopped wanting to have sex with me shortly after marriage 10+ years ago. We had sex to have kids over the following years but have not had sex in several years. I always made up excuses for him - stressed at work, on antidepressants, etc. Tried to bring it up with him but he pushed me away. I finally woke up and realized this is not normal...only to discover he'd been having an affair for 2+ years and had a longtime addiction to porn which I knew nothing about.

That is the background. He is in counseling with a CSAT and working the steps. Also seeing a psychiatrist and on Rx. I am seeing changes though progress is sooooooo slow.

He makes me feel like he will never be able to have a healthy marriage with me but he wants to stay married. I have told him I am only going to stay married if our marriage is as a married couple in every sense of the word. I can't for the life of me figure this guy out.

Can someone please enlighten me?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
spinningwheel
♀ New Member
Member # 39336
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to sort this out and wondering if I could get some input on this. Warning: Possible TMI. Ugh.

Husband and I have been separated for 9 months, working on ourselves and exploring reconciliation. A month ago, we fully committed and he moved home.

He seems to be doing very well on the SA front, although his NPD continues to be a struggle. All that to say, sex is something I've not been able to feel enough trust to do. He's been understanding of that. For the first time in a very long time, we had sex last night. Well, sort of. Herein lies my question.

Lots of generous and attentive foreplay, very loving, both of us fully present and enjoying it very much. But we never got to intercourse because he decided he liked the feelings he was having during foreplay enough to "go with it" and, um, ejaculated on my stomach. (I know, TMI)

He swears no porn or SA involved in that decision in any way, but...? To go without sex for so long and it ended like that?

I'm so disappointed and part of me thinks it's unfair of me to feel that way. What we did together was close and connected but the way it ended is really troubling me. He had zero interest in finishing what we started this morning before work and that just seems odd to me. I want a full marriage with my husband but maybe his SA and the hurt I've experienced with his past double life is screwing with my own view of healthy sexuality? Maybe there was nothing amiss in how that went and I can't see it clearly? I don't know. But I do know I feel uneasy and scared today because of it. I hate that.

Thoughts?


Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
confused777
♀ New Member
Member # 39629
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband told me he likes to come on breasts and faces and he owned a porno called facials. I find it very objectifying of woman. It was always a fight cause he will just squeeze one of my breasts randomly and then he'd get upset when I told him to stop. He claims he thought I wasn't sexual and this is why he turned to others. I do think its sa behavior.

I do think he is bi- at least bi curious. In one of the texts he was negotiating with a coue who prostitutes. He asked unprompted if the guy is bi- oral. I don't think a straight oriented man asks for that. In another text, he's agreeing to an escapade of several bi- couples and yes that is the word he used.

I think he uses the swingers to be with a man and then he can claim he's not gay since a woman is there. Thoughts?


Choices are easy to make, even the most difficult of choices are made in the span of a heart beat. It is coming to terms with the results of these choices which can take a very long time indeed.

In limbo

At least this fence is mine to own and


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

spinning...I'm no expert...let me say that first :)...but what you described sounds like he was pretty stimulated and if he has been sober and you two haven't had sex in a while, the foreplay may have just sent him over the edge. Did you talk about it afterwards with him? Might be a good idea to see what he was thinking about it to alleviate your concerns.

Confused...honestly - I don't think it matters whether he is bi/bi curious or straight - he is actively engaging in sex outside of the marriage. That's really the issue. Based on my limited reading and just knowing my SAWH's history, SA acting out escalates - just like with any drug...they need more and different stimulations as they progress. The who's and how's are really irrelevant.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is part of my boundary problem, what is acceptable and normal behavior in a marriage and a wife. Are his criticisms justified? I am so confused

Confused777,
I had the same question about what was normal. It took me a long time and a lot of people pointing me to emotional abuse for me to start to examine what was going on in my marriage. You might try googling emotional or verbal abuse checklists and just look them over. That might put your mind at rest, or it might be that you start off like me saying, “wait, almost ALL of these apply”. I was in denial about being abused. Kept thinking maybe it wasn’t that bad, he didn’t mean to be mean, was a “jerk” but it wasn’t really abuse, etc. Of course, once I separated and filed for divorce, the gloves were off and it was quite clear what he was doing.


They can sell sand to an Arab, and convince us they love us even as they are stabbing is in the the throat.

^^^^ This!

WomaninFlux,

Can someone please enlighten me?

Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. I’d start reading as much as I could. There are books recommended on page one of this thread.

Confused,

I think he uses the swingers to be with a man and then he can claim he's not gay since a woman is there. Thoughts?

I think with sex addiction, the need for the illicit keeps going up as they escalate behaviors, so the addicts try more diverse experiences. I think my X has been with men. I have no proof, but his behavior (and online history) suggested it.

{{{{ SA partners }}}}


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe my situation is different. I'm the one who didn't want to have sex with H for a very long time. I thought I was the problem and was stressed and felt such guilt about it. With the help of IC, I'm starting to see that of course I didn't want it when his mind was obviously elsewhere and it always felt emotionally empty. I'm slowly getting used to the idea that I wasn't the messed up one. For so long we both thought I was the problem. :(
I guess I'm also in a different spot because of my background. Before I met H, I seriously considered becoming a Buddhist nun. I saw so clearly how sex can be used to harm people and I wanted no part of it. I thought that I finally did something right by marrying H after dating a few guys who messed with my head (and were SA's as well, though I had no idea at the time). Now I'm stuck wondering if I stick around to heal this relationship or if I follow my other path.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused777
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Member # 39629
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, you and I are the same age. I also didn't want him touching me cause it felt like he was objectifying me. This infuriates him as he says that he is my husband and I am rejecting him. Here's an exams.

We're watching a movie and he says that girl has big boobs and then he grabs mine. I'd push him away as that is totally uncool. He would get upset and then sulk and then lay a guilt trip on me. I knew this is unhealthy but put up with it. But he would say that other women love facials etc and I would tell him most normal woman that I know don't like it. I told him to quit watching porn

I guess the bi things matters to me because it lets me know where I stand. If its sex addiction then maybe he can stop and I will be enough. However if he wants men and is acting out on that desire then i will never be enough. this sounds wierd but i think he is staying in the relationship because he feels obligated too cause he feels guilty. I want to tell him that he is under no obligation and in fact his actions are keeping me trapped.


Choices are easy to make, even the most difficult of choices are made in the span of a heart beat. It is coming to terms with the results of these choices which can take a very long time indeed.

In limbo

At least this fence is mine to own and


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H never really tried to make me feel guilty...it was mostly unspoken. He'd tell me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do, but then gave himself permission to act out because he felt it was better than pushing me.
He also objectified me. Even after DDay, he made a derogatory comment about my body...like really??? Even now when I'm feeling so vulnerable and unsafe? I've mentioned this before, but I'm sure it's many pages back... he also offered for me to go out and sleep with a guy after DDay. Just so we could be even and to see what I really wanted. And even then, the thing he worried about the most was that this imaginary guy would be 'better hung' than he is. He has such serious issues. It can't be healthy to be so focused on body parts, can it?
I'm not sure how much I can take.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,

I do get that it is nice to have a partner and it is generally harder financially and in terms of parenting to go it alone. I can only say, speaking personally, that I quickly reached a point where I felt like it was preferable to spend the rest of my life alone (indeed a relief!) rather than deal with my H masturbating to porn in our house, acting out with strippers, lying to me, withdrawing emotionally from me, experiencing sexual dysfunction with me, and worrying about when he as going to escalate or if he could bring a disease into our home. I have always been crazy about my husband and I idealized him and our marriage. But in the cold light of day I saw clearly that my marriage was not a good one. And I wasn't that interested in staying it except for wanting another child.

I have not left because my H threw himself into recovery from the moment we realized we were dealing with SA. Full force, no denial, almost scarily determined. Our life is now consumed by his treatment -- IC every week with CSAT, two SA meetings per week, MC once per month, and he is starting a men's therapy group in the fall. And this is for a man with no anorexia, no comorbidities, functional if not perfect self-esteem, no past abuse or terrible childhood, and relatively limited progression to acting out!

I don't have the concerns I listed above anymore because his recovery remains so full force and active (well I 99% don't have them, I am not sure we ever regain 100%). Our marriage is very good now, emotionally intimate, funny, and sweet, our sex life is flourishing. But I cannot emphasize the resources it took to get there--the personal resources of my H, his motivation, the financial resources, the time, the support from me, etc.

Anyway, this is all to say in my way of thinking the decision will be made for you by your H's actions. If he does not enter full force into treatment and recovery very soon then separating, even with its negatives and scariness in terms of the future, is vastly preferable to living with chaos and terror, potentially catching a disease or developing PTSD, etc. Just my two cents on one way to think about things. ((hugs))

[This message edited by cds22 at 1:28 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still trying to get a grasp on all the abbreviations on this website.

What does CSAT stand for?


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is "Certified Sex Addiction Therapist." These therapists have gone through a number of hours of training to get credentialed. That being said, I think you still have to interview the therapist and get a sense of therapist quality - - I talked to a few that seemed a little off themselves.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Schilling
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Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah. Interesting.

I am not sure if my IC/ Couples Therapist is certified, but he is very good.

I chose him because he had a lot of experience with First Responders (boyfriend is a former PD and never sought help after he was traumatized) and also with Alcoholism which I feel my partner struggles with.

He is remarkable insightful. I like him a lot either way.

I've got IC today actually. Last session I was riddled with PMS and took it out on him, hopefully this time goes a bit better.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what PD is? I think addiction background in the therapist is key if you can't get a CSAT. The nice thing about the CSAT is they use a big workbook written by Patrick Carnes and they work through it step by step with the SA.

In general, the suggestion is not to have your IC be your MC, for a variety of reasons. I think a few on this site have been exceptions to that rule so I wouldn't say it can never work. But there are a lot of pitfalls to using one partner's IC (whose role is of that person's advocate) for MC. Our MC is addiction trained and has worked with many couples affected by SA but is not a CSAT.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PD, PO, Cop, Officer etc. He is a former Police Officer.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Womaninflux I sent you a PM...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone give me your opinion of my H's situation and what is the best course for treatment.

H's CSAT wants him to start a men's therapy group for 10 weeks. H currently works late one night per week, attends two SA meetings on two other nights, and has his IC appointment in the late afternoon another day. H talked to sponsor about doing one in person SA meeting and one lunch/weekend internet meeting during the 10 weeks he was doing group therapy. Sponsor said no! It was too vulnerable a time.

H feels -- and I agree -- that he really cannot be apart from our young children four nights per week (they go to bed before he comes home). That is practically a separation! We are nervous though because we have been told that group therapy is key to the three pronged approach. H is now leaning toward delaying the group therapy for 6-10 months in the hope (!) that sponsor will agree to one in person meeting/one internet meeting during group therapy when H reaches one year sobriety.

Thoughts? Opinions?


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see both sides.

Part of me says just do the 10 weeks now and get it out of the way before the Holidays.

The other part of me understands it being hard on the children.

But with my personality, I would just plow through the 10 weeks and put it behind me.

Do you think his sponsor would agree to it if he waited until his one year mark?


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so behind on this thread.

CDS, my two cents. Phone meetings are great for supplementing hard times and for when you travel, but not a real substitute for live meetings. I wouldn't do it.

I totally get what you mean. Does SA have weekend meetings where you are? My SAWH does one night meeting, one evening IC, one Sunday morning meeting. And when he starts group therapy some day, it will likely be Saturday morning. It sucks having to essentially be a single parent during those times but it is what we work with.

The other thing he does is he does not sleep in almost ever. He gets up and fixes them breakfast every morning he does not have to go in early to work to meet somebody so he can at least see the kids in the morning.

Last thing is that since his evening IC is on Fridays, the kids stay up later on Friday to see him. Not much, 30-60 minutes but it beats not seeing him at all.

HTH.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

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