There is a GREAT post in Just Found Out for those of us with husbands that had affairs with multiple people/strippers/etc... try and find that - it has some really great information and guidance on how to get through this.
Confused - Sorry that you find yourself here but this is a great place for information and support. Also, great that you have moved from the denial phase. I believe it is the shock and anger phase that comes next. This can be a rollercoaster. We are all here for you! All on different parts of the rollercoaster but understand the pain and confusion that you are experiencing. Please take gentle care of yourself. Have you read the first page of the thread? There are a lot of resources. Please find an IC soon, one with experience in sex addiction. That would be a CSAT or an AASAT certified SAT. If you can find a support group either COSA or S-Annon, that would be a great step toward healing.
confused, sorry you're going through a rough time. :(
sk, I think your sweet and funny comment was meant for numb?? I agree that she is sweet and funny! Although if I did say something sweet and funny, then thank you. Okay, I'll shut up now. :)
And you'll get no 2X4's from me! I'm praying things keep going well for you!
But.. I don't feel like I said ENOUGH. I feel like I have so much more to say to him about this specific issue, but I am scared to bring it up again. I get so tired of being accused of being too emotional, too obsessed etc.
I have IC today and I don't want to go.
It seems to me that him saying your are too emotional is a big part of the denial, no?
I know we all have our own paths in this but I have grave misgivings about the idea of staying with a SA not in active treatment and working hard toward recovery. Otherwise so much terror and chaos and pain, it is too much for anyone!
I am devastated and have been in an awful state for days. H is upset for me and has started to have insomnia which his major trigger (no relapses or slips though which is good). The whole thing is a mess. I am not sure what to do. I have two wonderful kids and while I would love another I am seeing this year or two long nightmare of ivf and donor eggs and adoption waitlists. And I am not sure I want to put myself through that. It has been a terribly hard couple of years with major family losses, DD, a miscarriage, how much more can anyone take?
Oh yea, he denies it fully.
And no, he isn't in any IC. My IC (who is/was also our couples therapist) works with Sex addicts, which is a reason I specifically chose him.
My boyfriend's insurance doesn't cover him though, at one time, he looked into who is covered through his company, but never went further then that.
I am building to a point where I need to say "IC or I walk" but.. I am not there yet. I can feel it bubbling inside of me, but I can't spit the words out.
Sorry to hear about your struggle. I've been supporting a friend who has PCOS and has been trying for their first child for over two years, she has one round of meds left before IVF, but she says she would prefer to try and adopt.
Keep your head up.
Schilling - I second what Cds said. Staying with an SA not in recovery is just a nightmare. Of course he thinks you are too emotional. SAs do not want to face what they have done or to deal with other people having feelings about it! You are entitled to your emotions and it is none of his business. You have a right to be hurt and angry.
Cds - I am going to PM you. Sorry for this loss on top of al the others.
It is a hell. It's my own personal hell. Not a single person around me knows how horrible this is.
I've decided to sit down and write stuff out. To make it clear in my own head, so I can then bring it to him and talk to him about it.
.. at least that is the goal.
I think what is so, so tough about your situation and trying to impose boundaries is that being with a SA not in treatment/recovery is in itself such a boundary-less, chaotic situation.
I am so glad you feel the strength building inside you. It is there, Schilling, just have some faith in it. I am so glad you are in IC and hopefully doing as much to take care of yourself as possible. When I look back on the past few months post D-day the best things I did were coming here, going to my IC (and I think many would add COSA or similar group), joining a gym and starting a class there, getting some massages, and perhaps most helpful to me was taking a week long vacation without my H to get my head back together. Treat yourself well right now!!
ETA: The nice part about our personal hells is that they have a clearly marked exit sign. :) I don't think that is the case for all of our SA spouses, who in some cases will struggle mightily for life with their issues. But we always have that exit option.
[This message edited by cds22 at 4:39 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Reconciliation – We are trying to reconcile this relationship. Please take 10 extra seconds, and think about what you say to me. Be supportive of this relationship. Don’t say things that are negative to our future or us. Example: “I hope you pass this on your children, even if it isn’t with me”.. I understand it sounds harmless, but it’s not. A statement like “I hope we pass this on to our future children.” Is loving and supportive of this relationship.
- Touching: This can’t happen. You need to take a step back and see things through my eyes. Think to yourself “Would I do this if Schilling was here?” chances are you wouldn’t and that means, you shouldn’t do it if I am there or not. A hand on the hip of a female friend is not OK. An aggressive kiss on the cheek while she is holding your hand playfully is not OK. This bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. While I UNDERSTAND it was harmless, drunken fun, it just shouldn’t be happening. Women are a slippery slope for you, and it is my hope that you keep ALL women at a respectful distance. Please respect our relationship and me.
- Photos Received: If a woman sends you a photo of her that isn’t appropriate, please tell her that you are a taken man and you don’t appreciate these photos being sent to you. If you aren’t sure if the photo is appropriate or not, please show it to me and we can discuss it.
- Female Friends: Despite what you constantly say, I do not want to hold you back from your female friends. I want you to enjoy your time with your friends, male and female a like. But I want to be comfortable with these relationships. They shouldn’t be treated any different then you’d treat a relationship with a man.
Social Media/ Email/ Phone –
- Facebook: I need you to change your facebook status. This REALLY bothers me. You say it’s stupid and trivial, GREAT then change it to “In a Relationship with ___ ____”. “It’s Complicated” is not acceptable to me and makes me feel like you are letting the women in your life know things are so-so and they might have a chance. I’ve always felt like my only defense against the women in your world is your facebook page. The last time I was harassed by a women you were screwing with was on facebook. I’ve explained this to you a million times, and I am now telling you I NEED THIS FROM YOU!
You need to block ____ from your FB entirely. I’d like your Facebook Password.
- Email: You said to me that you’d give them to me, but you’d just make another one. I don’t know what to do with this information and it doesn’t make me feel safe in our relationship. Lets discuss this.
Transparency – I know we don’t see eye to eye on this. But it is becoming an issue. I’ve tried to be the bigger person and give in and respect your need to hide things from me, but I am struggling really badly with this. I didn’t make the mistakes; I shouldn’t have to give in. You gave up your right to privacy when you cheated and every time you cheated. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.. I am an open book to you and I will HAPPILY reciprocate all transparency without hesitation. People, who have nothing to hide, don’t hide things from people they have betrayed. You should want to prove to me that you are trying, that you are fighting for this relationship, that you WANT this to work and are willing to do whatever it takes. The way you hide things from me, makes me constantly feel like there are more lies, like there are more secrets, as if I’ve been given only half-truths. I don’t want to live our life like this forever, but right, this is what I need from you. The trust can be earned back, but right now, there is just so little trust, and I can’t continue to give you blind faith, because look where it has gotten us. I need more transparency from you.
Individual Therapy – We need to get you into Solo Therapy Sessions. I need you to be serious, to commit to the process, to commit to change, to WANT to change, to want to be a better person for yourself.
Couples Therapy – You said you thought couples therapy was helping, but I don’t agree. The last session was too much for me. You were rude and arrogant. If you want to try again for couple’s therapy, you need to be willing to open up and let the process work.
On-Line Support Group – I joined an on-line support group for those dealing with Infidelity. They have a chat board for the cheaters, I’ve read it, offers a lot of support and advice. I’d like you to considering reading it. You don’t have to join and participate but just read.
[This message edited by Schilling at 5:29 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
All the things that you wrote down are very healthy boundaries.
Being with an SA for a long time, I will tell you they don't "get" it, and that is the insanity of living with someone like that.
My XWH used to kiss my friends on the top of the head or on the cheek -- WHEN HE FIRST MET THEM! Of coarse they were taken back. If I said anything to him about how wierd he was, he told me I was belittling him.
Someone explained an SA to me like this,,,,they walk into a room full of people and all they can think about is getting attention, see who is possibly going to flirt with them, who might want to sex stuff with them, tease, etc. They completely forget that we have come to the party with them because they are there to have their "freaky" needs met. They would be ok w or w/o us there!
I have felt so alone going to parties, weddings, any work get togethers with XWH.
Anyway, you are are the right path, it takes a while sometimes to get your voice, keep with IC, SI, etc.
I keep going back to what he has done, all the lies, all the As, the porn. It doesn't matter that it was an addiction, that he was sick, I just can't deal with it. I keep coming back to how can I stay with someone who cheated from before we were married until 25 years in? Sure there were years when he didn't act out but for the last 15 before DDay it was pretty constant.
My head tells me there is no way to justify staying in this marriage after what he's done, no matter how changed he is now. I feel that if I continue to stay I must be the biggest, most pathetic doormat out there. I can't respect myself while I am still here. Yet part of me feels that divorcing him would be like "cutting off my nose to spite my face". Other than feeling vindicated that I didn't let him get away with treating me so disrespectfully for so many years, I'm not sure my life would be better without him. Financially it certainly wouldn't. I hate that it boils down to money. If I won the lottery tomorrow and could support myself and the kids comfortably without worrying, I think I would be gone. But I don't want to give up all we have together. I have worked in his business for over 20 years to help get us where we are today. My kids think I have it great. I get to work part time and have continued to take July and August off to be home with them even though they no longer need me here. When I changed my career path all those years ago, it was for those reasons. It was for the benefit of our family. Now I am too old to "make it " in any new career I might choose.
So my daily inner battle continues. Do I stay so I can maintain my current lifestyle while feeling no self respect, or do I leave and settle for a much less comfortable life but an authentic one? I don't hate him, I still have love for him on some level. Considering all the bad decisions I've made up to now in my life, I don't trust myself to make the right one now, so I just swing back and fore between staying and leaving. Some days I wish he would have a slip so my decision would be made for me.
[This message edited by Notmetoo2011 at 7:41 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
Have you joined S-Anon? I have been to two meetings. The people there are really positive overall. So many have learned to look for the beauty in life despite what they have been through. I get the sense that they all accept "life is going on, with or without me, I may as well be with it and figure out a way to find happiness." I am hopeful that S-Anon and other support, books and coping skills will help me figure out what I need to do to move on in healthy way regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I am also practicing a lot of yoga and exercising a lot. It helps tremendously. Do you work? I am going back to work in a couple of months part time and am excited about the prospect.
I am also going to try meditation. I hear it really works.
I think what it comes down to, for me anyway, is that only YOU have control over what YOU think, do, feel. This is not to minimize the impact of your H's past actions, but if you harbor resentment, "it's like taking poison and expecting someone else to die."
My jaw dropped when I was reading your post..
That is.. EXACTLY what it is like. He LOVES the attention and he hones in on it the second we walk into any room. I am dumbfounded by it every single time.
He admits to the attention things, always needing and wanting attention, liking to be the center of attention, needing to feel needed and wanted. But he doesn't see the bigger picture.. yet at least.
I got kinda harsh with my therapist yesterday, I yelled at him a little. Oops. I think I should skip therapy the week I am PMSing, it never seems to go well.
So, I've decided I am going to continue to work on the list above, give myself a week and let my PMS hormones settle down a little, then I need to make a deadline for myself of when I need to present this list to my partner.
I'm terrified to do this, I feel like I already know the outcome. I feel like he is just going to walk away from the relationship siting that he can't ever do anything right.
Schilling - great idea on the letter and way to go for starting to setup your boundaries!!! I definitely think you should work on this and then give it to him!..the only thing that caught my eye was the "We need to get you into "solo therapy". Beware of the codependency...He needs to go to therapy...you (for your own sake) should not call for information for him, make appts for him, research for him, followup for him, etc....you can't control his actions whether they are good or bad. I made that mistake before and it is a daily struggle to let go of that inside myself :( That is actually one of my boundaries...my SAWH has to be in therapy both group and IC and he has to manage it all by himself - as long as he stays in therapy and recovery, then I will stay with him.
On a lighter note with me: I have been running again - and it is so therapeutic I have to say...I only run so I can eat sweets, not because I like it...and I just started back again about a month ago. I like to run by myself with the music turned up LOUD! well...my running list was just made from music that I thought would keep me motivated etc...no real thought process into making it, etc...well holy moly!! I have a VERY ANGRY running list I realized last night! HA! I thought ya'll might get a kick out of the titles of the songs....
Mama's Broken Heart - My songs know what you did in the dark - Wanted - Gimme More - Crazy Bitch - Like a Boy - Lose Yourself - Jesus Walks - Never Again - Bleed it Out - Scream - Don't Go - Blurred Lines
needless to say I'm running better than I ever have before, so it apparently is a great outlet for all my anger. lol! Ya'll have a great Thursday!!
Yea, this is an issue.
I fear if I write "You need to go to therapy" he will view it was a demand and me not being supporting of him and walking along side him in support. I actually wrote and rewrote that exact sentence many times, how funny you picked that one out.
I miss running. I stopped a long time ago and my body has paid the price with high weight gain. Which is also an issue in my relationship.
Those songs rock, good for you. I like to run in silence. It was one of the very few times in my life that my brain was quiet.
I do go to a SAnon group but it is very small (usually just me and the woman who started the group).Sometimes we follow the meeting format, other times we just share and chat. It is helpful to have someone IRL to talk to but she is very religious (whereas I am not), and her answer to every problem is to "take it to God", and this doesn't work for me.
My main way of dealing with stress is running and working out. I'll have to check out some of UMBL's songs.
Notmetoo - My family has a background of religious addiction. I steer clear of those that are overly dependent on religion. I believe in turning it over to God but that God expects me to do my part. Not just passively wait for him to fix my problems. For me, that is when it crosses into addictive/magical thinking.
cds - Seems you are doing really well. Handling things in a healthy way!
AFM, just still taking care of a recovering child. Now the healthy one is back, which makes it more challenging.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 1:24 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]