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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I continue to be amazed that even now my emotions can swing so wildly. I've been doing LOTS of reading & have come to see that my H is not only SA but also passive-agressive. He literally has made me feel crazy for so many years & now.....

Missy, I guess I am a little down. I'm doing a marriage timeline for IC & I feel so cheated out of a "normal" life. It is really hard to imagine having a future with this man and have any sanity. I'm still going to try for a while as I don't want to look back one day & feel like I didn't try my dead level best. We had a wonderful vacation with our children & grands last week. He really is trying so hard it almost makes me feel bad that I feel this way towards him. I'm so glad things are going smoothly for you right now. It's just nice to be able to breathe & feel the sunshine isn't it?

cds, I am very happy that things seem to be on the upswing for you as well. I know exactly what you were talking about when you said your H is there for you now in ways he has never been and how the sex can be absolutely explosive! We went through some HB as well. I have to say it made me feel so strange to have such emotions for a man who did things that so disgust me. I've come to believe hormones are totally wicked!

Thank you all again. Your comments never fail to lift me up & I so appreciate it. I have an appointment with H's IC today & plan to discuss the whole female employee thing. I'm a little caught off guard by how hard it has hit me. Just icing on the cake I guess.

Thanks everybody! Wish me luck!

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while but I lurk daily.

Outta

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell Iím living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

Reading these lyrics made me cry. They sum up how I have been feeling, though I guess in all honesty, my life isn't "hell", just my dreams are dead.

I feel so stuck. SAfWH is trying hard. He is working on projects around the house. He brings me little surprise gifts. He has respected my request to back off on the sex front, but I feel we have lost our connection. We haven't talked about the As and SA stuff in ages. He doesn't bring it up other than to ask in very non specific terms, "how I'm doing". If I tell him I want to talk he will, but I also have a hard time bringing it up. I come from a family where open communication did not happen. As a teenager, I learnt to stifle my feelings rather than talk about them. I was never able to have any kind of disagreement with my parents. My mother's response was to cry at the drop of a hat and then my father would yell at me for upsetting her. My father was very opinionated and made me feel stupid if I disagreed with him. I have always been the type of person who kept my feelings to myself. SAfWH was the one person I felt safe being myself with, who I could tell how I was really feeling because I thought he was really there for me. Then DDay happened and I realized that my life with him had been a lie.

More and more I feel like I can't continue to live with someone who basically cheated on me on and off from a month before we were married until one week before our 25th anniversary. If I stay, what does that say about me? That's what I keep coming back to. How could anyone in their right mind, and with any self respect, stay knowing what I know now? No matter how great he's being now, no matter if ( and that's a very big "if"), he actually can permanently beat the addiction, it can't undo the previous 25 years of acting out.

The acute pain is gone but I still feel on edge easily if he goes out anywhere. I will never fully trust him. I don't check up on him much. I see no point. I occasionally look at the history on his iPad and look through his email and phone, but I know, if he really wanted to, he could easily be hiding another email address. He fooled me for 25 years with me having no clue, so I'm sure he could do it again.

I feel that because I told him I'd give him a second chance, I can't go back on that while he's in recovery. I don't even know if I really want a D anyway (unless he has a slip in which case we are done). The thought of living the rest of my life alone scares me. I don't want to share our kids. I don't want to give up half of what we have. This is going to sound really pathetic, but I am going to say it anyway, it would kill me to see him happy with someone else if we split, and I know he would have no trouble finding someone seeing as he is apparently irresistible to the opposite sex. Okay, that really deserves a 2X4 I know.

My life is not horrible. I have so much to be thankful for, 4 healthy kids, a lovely home, I don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from. On the outside my life looks great. I am struggling between my desire to live an authentic life or just continuing with the facade. I am so torn. I don't trust my own judgement these days. I second guess myself constantly. I have lost the ability to think rationally, or at least the ability to know which thoughts are rational and which ones are not. My CSAT moved across the country last month and she was the only one here. I am trying to find a new IC as I really think I need some professional guidance but it is hard to find someone with experience dealing with SA. The previous two I tried were a waste of time and money.

Hugs to everyone and sorry for the major ramble.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notme, we are very much on the same page. I've always had problems bringing things up for discussion with H because of his avoidance issues. If there was a problem to be solved, his way of dealing with it was to become angry & that was my queue to back off, & I did. It was just always easier to solve the problem myself without having the battle with him that only served to distance us further each time. Now I see that each time I did that, I simply relieved him of his responsibilities. Ugh..if I only knew then what I know now right?

I'm having the same battle with myself about being able to stay in a relationship that has been such a farce on so many levels. I swing back & forth between thinking I could find "true" happiness without him and then being scared to death of getting into a relationship with someone who has even worse issues. Imagine that!

I never could understand what kind of man, especially a married one, would take such enormous risks to see a prostitute not to mention why. Now, here I am and I still don't get it. I have a very hard time looking at his naked body, thinking about the number of women he's been with. The mind movies are relentless.

I would love to hear from anyone out there who is dealing with this issue of multiple women. Missymomma, I know you know that special hell. Would you please share what helps you deal with that? There were actually a few times last week that I was interacting with him in a "normal" way & then, without warning, it slammed me. This little voice that says "he fucked 9 other women" which caused me to spiral down. It makes me so angry because it would seem that I'm doing it to myself but yet, I feel like I have no control over it.

There's been no sex for a couple of weeks. I didn't know about the abstinence period until I saw it upthread a couple of weeks ago so, I indulged in the HB. That is over & I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm feeling.

I saw H's IC yesterday & talked to him about the employee situation & statement that H relayed to me from him (IC)about him being "easily emotionally manipulated". IC looked at me & said "I meant her". You should have seen H's face!

Wishing us all peace & happiness as we navigate another day!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta

I have a very hard time looking at his naked body, thinking about the number of women he's been with.

^^^ this is so me. It's funny as this bothers me more now than it did for the first eighteen months after DDay. I don't know, maybe it's just that the reality of it all took that long to sink in.

The multiple women aspect is very hard to deal with. SAfWH was never with prostitutes, which I guess I should be thankful for, though sometimes I think the anonymity and lack of connection with hookers would have been less painful on some levels (though worse on others). The fact that SAfWH had actual relationships with five( of the eleven ) women makes me question if this was SA. He had two affairs that lasted over a year and one that lasted for 8 years. These were with two supposed friends of ours and an employee. The other women were a combination of employees, ONS with strangers and his last A was with someone he met on Ashley Madison. He definitely has had a porn addiction since he was a teen and was masturbating daily, so I can see the SA in that, but the people thing, I just don't know. He claims he moved on to people to try and get them to take part in his BDSM fantasies. I just don't see the typical SA cycle in his acting out with people. Not with the length of some of the As he had. I still think he might have just been a major asshole who had a huge sense of entitlement.

I'm mad at myself for being so blind and trusting. How could I have been fooled for so long? When the ED problems started and I tried to talk about it with him, he said he was just tired/stressed/ depressed/ ^^(insert other excuse), and talking about it just made it worse as he felt pressure to perform. He always assured me it wasn't me, he loved me, found me sexy, wasn't interested in anyone else but me, yada, yada, yada, so I believed him and let it go. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notme,

That ED stuff? Ditto! Don't talk about it! NEVER, EVER talk about it! I also feel like the village idiot. After 2 (yes TWO) STD's I convinced myself that there certainly HAD to be another way to have gotten that because he would NEVER....and I'm an RN It took a conversation with an Infectious Disease doctor I used to work for to convince me that the odds were extremely slim that it was a result of H's prostatitis which was what I had convinced myself of. Absolutely unbelievable!

I hear what you are saying about the hookers vs affair partners & I do take a very small comfort in knowing there was no real "connection". A "business" transaction as H says. For me sex was sacred & I guess that's why I feel so violated. Knowing that I held it in such a place of honor & he deemed it as just something else you could buy if you wanted it.

I guess what we take away from this is that whatever the situation, it is just such a raw deal. I have scoured the Internet trying to find the manual on how to deal with this shit but, so far nothing. Being able to come here for advice & encouragement has been a Godsend to me. I truly don't know what I would have done without my SI sisters.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta - Really look into the abstinence period. We did it for six months and I needed it. We did some HB in the beginning and when that was done, I needed a break. Then I needed to feel connected. I know TIME is a terrible four letter word but that is a huge component. TIME and seeing my SAWH change. The other thing for me mentally is that I know the difference between "good" connected sex and "bad" disconnected sex. SAWH never had good sex with a hooker. That is a comfort.

Notme - Have you checked out whether your SAWH is really an SLAWH (sex and love addict)? Sounds like that might be the case. There are some of those around. Either way it is tough!

I really love my group at COSA, when I go to other groups or listen to some of them it really gets under my skin. I find way too much codependency in the way they speak. When people start making statements about staying with an active sex addict and just focusing on yourself is a way to be healthy and in recovery, I just can't take it! Boundaries people! Living in an insane situation and trying to be sane just doesn't work. O.k. That is my rant for the day.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and Outta:

I saw H's IC yesterday & talked to him about the employee situation & statement that H relayed to me from him (IC)about him being "easily emotionally manipulated". IC looked at me & said "I meant her". You should have seen H's face!

That is priceless!!!!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over here on the East Coast, SAfWH would fit the description of a SLA, that's sex and love addict. I put my foot down, "do NOT refer to yourself that way!" Love???!!! If that's what you consider love, I want no part of it!

Rant over.

Some people go on the hunt for the new affair and the actual sex isn't always the end game. So it was with this guy. I don't care. It isn't love, it was lust. He hunted and was hunted by needy women who were looking for a sugar daddy and a few meals and a mutual admiration society with no strings. Not that OW#2 wouldn't have loved a more permanent solution, she thought she hit the jackpot, I'm sure. Both whore #1 and #2 last for about two years, and the sex with #1 was 4x total, the last time was the day I found out and she was history, #2 was dropped the day they screwed, with no thank-you ma'am apparently. The rest of the acting out was with strippers, lap dances and LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG conversations. He thought they were his friends. No lie.

So yeah, Sex and LUST addict, sans the love. He didn't love anyone, including himself. And the sex wasn't all that frequent, or to hear him tell it, all that great.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me talk something else out with you. My IC is trying to convince me that it is possible that he does find me desirable, all for me. Even now, old, wrinkled and flabby as I am. This when he ignored me when I was younger (we are talking 39ish-55) firm(er) actively working out, etc. Not only did he ignore me and run rapidly to screw and court other women, he was vicious and verbal in his rejection of my, using words like "disgusting, corpse-like, and necrophilia" to describe my body and my sexual performance. He claims those were just designed to stop me from asking why we weren't having sex, to keep me at arms length and off guard, to stop me from asking questions and finding out about his hobbies. The last time he said it was while we were in bed together, and I guess I just wasn't responding the way he wanted me to. It was about 2 years ago and I won't let that happen again! I just will not allow myself to be tortured like that. He beats himself up, apologizes, does everything he can to try to fix it, but I am so scared he'll slip and once again do it. He says he is an asshole, a horrible person, a addict, he wishes he had never said those things, he didn't mean them then, he doesn't mean them now, and he loves me and thinks I am sexy and beautiful.

How can I possibly believe him? How do I unhear all the things he said? Is it possible for him to like my body now? I just ISN'T as good as the one he rejected for so many years, gravity happens and the stress of these years has played a BIG toll on what used to be a pretty nice package.

Help me girls.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredy - Sorry if the SLA thing was a trigger. Let's be clear, it is not real love that they are addicted to but the fantasy of love.

Was he being anorexic with you when he said those awful things? My SAWH said a few derogatory things when he was being anorexic, to try and blame me for his problem. That always backfired, I was very clear in pointing out that he was the one that was sexually inept! The only thing I think you can do to work on it for yourself is to know it isn't true. You have to know yourself and the beauty that you hold. I can't see you but I know that you are beautiful, it is very likely he does desire you now if he is in recovery.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and the age thing. My mother still gets hit on by men all the time and she is 68! Age is less important than we think.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy,

First, thanks for the advice. I'm going to chew on that for a while. Second, I just have tell you that I admire the ability that you have to phrase things so eloquently! What you said to SK was beautiful and, BTW, I agree that she is beautiful!

Could someone please explain the anorexia thing to me?

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 6:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy, you didn't trigger me, it's just a personal piss me off point...and thanks for the kind words. You are far stronger than I. Of course my years of history and cycle of abuse with him and FOO issues gave him this power over me. If you were to meet me in person you would never believe that I had let him intimidate me this way.

Anorexic? I suppose, but only with me. He apparently had an active sex (of sorts) life for years between his strippers, porn, and the two OW. He had a variety of ED issues with me, either non-performance or no ability to finish, so he just stopped trying. On the other hand, he wasn't much interested in spending ANY time with any of us, resenting any thing that resembled family time, an ogre on vacation, etc.

It's very hard not to believe he didn't mean it all.

@Outta, here's a quick answer from Dr. Drew that addresses it. Carnes talks about it a lot in Don't Call it Love

http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/11/is-sexual-anorexia-the-flip-side-of-sex-addiction/


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notmetoo-- How long has it been since you found out? Is your H in active recovery? Also can you contact your former CSAT and get some more therapist recs from her, surely she knew people in the community. Ideally she would have transitioned your care before she left.

Outta, another village idiot here! We never had dysfunction but there was incredible delay in ejaculation to the point where it became uncomfortable for me. I met H when I was young, have never been with anyone else and I thought many men could go 25 minutes before they orgasmed! Thank goodness that issue is gone. Are you working with a CSAT? We did a 60 day abstinence period and I believe 90 is the ideal. H told me he felt it was very important in letting the porn fade from his mind and resetting.

SK-I didn't comment last time you mentioned this because I am still learning about SA and because I was worried about putting my foot in it. But in my mind, those comments are so cruel and awful that it at least raises the question of whether apart from the SA there is some sort of other issue or abusive personality? That is just so specific, so devastating, so cruel and unfair. If he was compelled to make a blaming type of excuse, and I do see that happens sometimes with SAs, then why not something less horrific or vague about how you don't do this or that in bed that turns him on?? My own narrow experience is that my H never said anything critical.

I also find it hard to take that your H repeated these comments while he was well into recovery. Is that really recovery to be saying things like that? It seems to me that if part of sexually acting out is about the SA venting his resentment sexually and attempting to feel powerful sexually then saying those things to you in bed was SA and was a serious lapse from recovery.

I am so PISSED on your behalf over this. People are beautiful when they believe they are beautiful IME. I am so angry he took that away from you.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks CD. I have learned that sobriety is NOT recovery and recovery is not linear. He is also bipolar, his rages were spectacular. And specific to me. He was kind to everyone else, indifferent to DS#1 and favored DS#2. He resented everything I did or didn't do. There was clearly displaced anger and mother issues. His mother was distant and controlling and I bent over backward to be completely the opposite. It didn't help. And as his dysfunction increased and his career went downhill, my "faults" magnified.

BTW, that prolonged inability to orgasm is a type of ED, common in SA. Isn't it sad the kind of education we have all had to get? One more thing I wish I didn't know. I would definitely have prefered studying the art of the impressionist movement rather than the work of the various Carnes...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, that is a whole lot of sh*te to deal with in one person. I can see why recovery has been so slow and why you are leery of trusting it.

I don't know SK, I am a fixer by nature. If you don't want to leave and you aren't in a position, due to his actions, to trust him and throw yourself into couples recovery . . . then why not study impressionism!! Honestly, you are close to retirement, the world is wide open. I wonder if it is possible for you (for anyone?) to just accept a marriage that is more "rocky friendship with long history" and less compared to the ideal of marital partnership. And put your energies elsewhere.

Or do you feel like his recovery is edging toward a place where you can see a true marital partnership. If so, that must be wonderful and an agonizing tease all at once.

Grrrrrr . . .


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds
It is two years since I found out, and yes my H is in active recovery. There are no other CSATs in our area and when I asked previous CSAT if she could recommend anyone else in our city she couldn't come up with anyone experienced in SA.

sK
I can only imagine how devastating it must have been to have SAfWH say those things to you. While you can never unhear them, you must know in your heart that for one, they weren't true. You are a beautiful, desirable woman. Let's face it, when you look around, most people do not have perfect bodies. People of all shapes and sizes find love and have meaningful sex lives. Just because we have a few wrinkles and some extra padding here and there doesn't mean we are undesirable. My SAfWH has never looked like one of the Chippendales but it didn't stop me from finding him sexy in the old days. What has killed my desire is his past behaviour. I think you have to try and listen to your IC and to what your SAfWH says now.

He says he is an asshole, a horrible person, a addict, he wishes he had never said those things, he didn't mean them then, he doesn't mean them now, and he loves me and thinks I am sexy and beautiful

He claims those were just designed to stop me from asking why we weren't having sex, to keep me at arms length and off guard, to stop me from asking questions and finding out about his hobbies.

It sounds like he was lashing out at you because of some major deficiency in himself. Maybe he saw you succeeding in your career and people admiring you, while he was struggling with his career and this led to feelings of jealousy and a need to hurt you in the most cruel of ways. You sound like you have always " had it together" whereas he obviously hasn't . He couldn't handle you being better than him. That coupled with the BPD and the distortion of reality that porn causes to the brain ....


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sK
I guess I should add that while I think you should beleive what your IC says, it doesn't change the fact that you were emotionally abused for all those years and there's no undoing that. I don't know where that leaves you now. Would you like to have a sex life with SAfWH if you 100% knew he would not hurt you again?


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge turn off!!! Is it common for BS to be turned off - in all senses of the word - when they determine WS is SA? After months of wanting nothing more than HB (which never happened) I find myself not into SAWH anymore.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux, yup, I sure am turned off! On DDay, I swore that he would never touch me again. I still feel that way.

sk, no one should be treated the way you have been. :(
BTW, thank you again for the advice you gave me a while ago through pm. I've stayed in the group and it has become my one safe place. I'm so grateful to have it!


So after being numb again for a few weeks, I'm back to feeling panicky. I wish I could just get away and get on with my life. I obsess about whether it's safer for me to stay with him to protect the kids or to get away. I want to do what's best for them and I have no idea what that is. I hate being stuck. I hate that he's put me in this position.

I've also been wondering: how much of his pain should I have to deal with? I asked him recently how he's doing. He immediately went back to his usual rantings about how much he hates himself and how much shame he feels. It makes me feel like I can't be angry with him, since he feels sooo bad about what he's done. I feel like if I get angry, I'll break him even more. It's very frustrating.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

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