Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, I went through the "limp dishrag" feeling for two solid months. It is normal and painful all at once. I did find that SAM-E (buy otc at drugstore or health food place) increased my energy as did green tea (green tea was a stronger effect in the 3-4 glass range -- you have to like green tea though!). Also go very low carbs. But all of these things will only help somewhat . . . of course you are worn out. We have entered some freakish rabbit hole over here Alices!

As for me, outta I hear you. I agree with everyone it is not on its face a sensible time or decision and there is a whole boatload of potential for things to go VERY wrong.

The thing is by not trying to get pregnant I am also making a decision. The decision never to have another child. There is no realistic shot I will get pregnant at 41. No one is going to adopt out a child to us. There are donor eggs but that is likely a 35-60k proposition and I really question whether it would make sense to remove my genetic contribution given the H's myriad problems - - heck at that point why not donor sperm too.

It is a huge mess. I think the pregnancy will hurt our R. However, if I lose the chance to have the family I want I honestly do not think I will ever forgive my H for it. I am pretty darn baby obsessed and have been for a few years now . . .


Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also for everyone I keep on coming back to the same thing. It is necessary to get the heck AWAY from them in some form. If you can swing a long weekend or week off -- even staying with nice family members for a visit. If you can set up an art class or gym class or yoga. Some space that is yours.

Maybe people differ on this but the thing that has saved me day to day is that I have allowed time for me to RAIN DOWN! I take a yoga class (part of my gym membership), work with a trainer (introductory special to same gym), found a reasonable massage therapist, committed to a minimum weekly lunch or girls night and have been very rigid about upholding that. IC three times per month. And this blissful week in a different state fromt the SA! He is joining us tonight and I actually feel happy to see him which I wouldn't have without the break.

[This message edited by cds22 at 9:33 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2013
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone - been so busy with my kids activities I haven't had a chance to post..just read. and I completely melted down last night..I have been just plodding along, pretending day and night with work, friends, family, games and meets that everything was fine when it most certainly isn't. Last night I just triggered so bad. Due to the HB me and SAWH had over a week ago, I think my pH got messed up since the DR said I was all good...and so I had to buy a douche (I don't even like to write that word much less do it!!!) The only time I have every done one before was before I gave birth! anyway...sorry for the TMI...but it just hugely triggered me from reading chats that my SAWH had with random women on the internet where he told them to go and do that...ugghg...I was up all night and now I'm a zombie sitting at work and getting nothing done. I feel like I'm losing my mind. SAWH just fell asleep like he doesn't have a care in the world and it made me SOO mad!! I woke him up and started yelling at him..how in the world can he sleep?? I can't get all these women and what he said he wanted to do with them (and used to actually do with them) out of my head and he sleeps??? Dammit..if I can't sleep then he's not going to sleep either! He told me to say the serenity prayer and I about hit him...yes it's nice but it's not going to magically make it go away so I can sleep!! I ended up taking Tylenol PM again and now I'm drinking tons of coffee again. vicious cycle isn't it?

I love the idea of vacation away without him...but I really think I want to be alone...I don't even want to have to talk to anyone...I don't think I could pretend with anyone for a whole weekend right now, I can barely make it through the day.

Outta - your post just resonated with me...tears just started rolling down my face.

cds - I totally understand the baby craving and your thought process. You have to do whatever you can at this point to find your happiness, just be careful. I can't even decide what to eat for dinner much less anything important!

Hath - thank you for reposting what you wrote - that spoon analogy was amazing..and hitting your SAWH over the head with the shovel hit the mark exactly...

Sadone...I'm a total limp dishrag right now too, my 12 yo looked at me the other night at a game and said you always seem sad. :(

I told my SAWH that he has taken everything from me, he has ruined everything..and he said he didn't ruin my love for my children. But you know what...right now I am NOT there for my children..I'm in my own personal hell and just faking my way through everyday and he has taken that away from me too!!! I was watching my sweet little boys kayaking and watching dolphins play in the water right in front of them...amazing moment right??? and yet I was so unbelievably sad the best I could do was half smile and take a picture!!!

I just keep having to remind myself that we are meeting with the therapist on the 2nd...hopefully I can start some type of healing then.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW...I wrote a book! Didn't realize that until it posted!

geez...I have alot inside apparently...


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been mulling over just how I could arrange a "time out" but, it just gets so complicated. My parents are in their mid 80's & live less than 2 miles from me yet, due to my work schedule, I see them only at various times over the weekend. I savor every chance I have to be with them even tho this new creature that has interrupted my life has made it difficult to enjoy even a mundane conversation with them.

I too have a new struggle I could use some guidance with. H & I have hit another road block (surprise!). He seems to see the boundaries I have established for myself as some type of punishment for his acting out. I can see where he might think that & frankly, I'm not so sure they didn't stem from that. Anyway, H had IC yesterday pm followed by SA meeting. When he got home he told me that in his IC session the counselor told him that he was easily emotionally manipulated so, from that he feels that I am trying to manipulate him with my boundaries. If I understand the whole boundary concept correctly it is to establish the acceptable & non-acceptable aspects of relationships which are meant as a guide to help with good decision making. The word manipulate makes me furious as it implies a devious intent.

Weeks ago I told him that for me to remain in this relationship I need X,Y & Z. Somehow that has been translated into manipulation. It would be interesting to hear the context in which the counselor made this observation since H is notorious for only giving facts that will enhance his perception of the situation.

Now the most difficult part of our discussion last night. H is extremely remorseful & is guilt ridden about his acting out behavior. He says that although he is doing some very hard work on himself, he doesn't feel as much support from me as he would like to have. To be honest, he is on the verge of losing his family, some close friends & the business he poured his heart & soul into. I do pity him however, for me its a matter of consequences. My problem is this. I need way more from him than he is capable of giving me right now. For me to lower my expectations of him borders, IMO, on a free pass which I have great anxiety about. But, just how far can you push back on someone who is facing such life altering events & who obviously has such terrible coping skills in the first place? I have had concerns about if he would have thoughts of an easy exit out of this mess. He has not said that but, I do have concerns that he could be easily be pushed to a breaking point.

I'm not ready to give out high fives for a job well done as far as sobriety since that is my expectation of him but, I know any human needs encouragement when they are struggling to climbing a mountain. In my opinion, that mountain was never meant to be climbed so Im having difficulty sympathizing with the problems it has brought.

I simply don't have the ability to see the middle ground here. Any thoughts?

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 10:37 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UMBL - Oh, honey. ((((hugs)))) This is so very hard. The shock and trauma are devastating at times. Your post makes me so sad. I remember those days, you will get through them. I have to chuckle at the being so mad he can sleep while you are triggering in PTSD hell. We had that fight many, many times. One day at a time. Is there anything kind you can do for yourself? I forget, are you in COSA or S-Annon? Is there anyone IRL you can lean on for support?

Outta - Don't let your SAWH manipulate you! That is what he is doing by saying that your boundaries are a manipulation. As long as your boundaries are about keeping you safe, then they are reasonable. He does not get to decide what your boundaries are. Addicts really don't like it when we start to set them and they tend to push back hard! It is likely he has misrepresented what you have said or misrepresented what the therapist said. He isn't far enough along in recovery to have stopped his distorted thinking. Which means, he thinks this is what you have said or what the therapist has said. Maybe you can talk to his therapist yourself? One of the big things SAs do is blame their spouse in many subtle ways. If he is insinuating that you setting boundaries is too hard on his recovery, that is a way to blame you and keep you from taking care of yourself.

CDS - PM me if you want any info. There is someone that does in vitro for older women, with a very high success rate. If you check your levels, he can let you know how much longer you probably have. His success rate is really good. One of the pioneers in the industry. It might let you set an option for more time. BTW, I totally agree with you on the self-care thing. I work out regularly and do girls night outs. Going away with a couple of girlfriends in 2 weeks. I have to have a life away from my SAWH to keep me sane and balanced.

I got a little triggered myself, my SAWH is out of town. He didn't call me last night before bed. This is one of those things that I have set that I need. I talked to him this morning and told him it just wasn't acceptable. He is supposed to be home tonight. I hate the traveling thing, that is when 98% of his acting out happened.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 11:19 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Outta, I am eager for more experienced voices to weigh in. A few thoughts though.

1. It sounds to me like he is the one attempting to manipulate! Old tricks die hard. My H has not pulled this one (yet at least) with respect to boundaries but he has had gotten emotional and angry when I have talked about the possibility of separation. My response to anything having to do with my boundaries or needs is, "H, the best part of you would want me to do what I need to do to keep myself and the kids safe and healthy." That is pretty much a conversation ender. :)

2. In terms of what you are getting R-wise, we are struggling with this too. It is just too much for them to manage completely throwing themselves into individual recovery and completely throwing themselves into r'ship recovery. I know that intellectually but I still get upset! I am working to develop a set of "long-term requirements for R" and a set of interim requirements for R while H is still getting a handle on personal recovery. So far, my interim requirements are that he ask about how I am doing sometimes, that he listen to me when I am angry or sad about the infidelity,and that he send me a "love text" once per day. We are also meeting with a MC once per month to try to keep a foot in the marital door so to speak. We will increase the MC as his individual recovery progresses.


3. As for support, another favorite saying of mine to the H is "grasshopper it is time for you to sink or swim on your own." Outta, I don't know if this was the case for you but I suspect it was -- I have solved so many problems for my H, cleaned up quite a few messes, I am even directly responsible for some of his professional successes, etc. I had to tell my H flat out that he had to beat this addiction on his own. That I wouldn't respect him, he wouldn't respect himself, and it wouldn't work if I was supporting and managing every step of the way. The SA's fundamental job is to build his/her own support via sponsor, group, etc. Now, my compromise is that I do tell him fairly frequently, probably weekly, that I am proud of his hard work, that he is becoming a new man, that it takes alot of courage to wrestle this demon. I sometimes suggest ideas for things HE can do -- the masturbation thing for him often came up in the context of stress and insomnia so I suggested he at some point consider learning meditation or meeting with a sleep therapist to develop alternative coping skills. But that is IT. No looking up sleep therapists and downloading meditations as in the days of old!!!

I hope this helps Outta. It is a hard balance to strike but I think communicating to them that 1) they would (or should) want to keep you feeling safe; and 2) recovery is a PERSONAL vision quest, not something your spouse co-manages. Oh, I also told my H when he whined about lack of support that I consider the fact that I have not walked out the door, taken the kids, divorced him on the spot, restricted his visitation, and told everyone he knows to be the most profound act of kindness one human being can show to the other. He stopped for a second . . . and then he agreed.

[This message edited by cds22 at 11:38 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2013
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I don't have enough knowledge to really give any words of wisdom ..but I hear you. I think your boundary definition is the same as mine - you need x,y,z to continue in the marriage. I wouldn't lower your expectations of what you need. You can only control your happiness and well being and if what you need is more than he can give right now, so be it. Stick to your guns and see if he can come around - and if he can't then eventually that is a road you have to cross. I would not call that manipulation.

If he needs encouragement or kind words when there is positive recovery, that I think, is another thing entirely separated from boundaries. and I totally get the "we shouldn't even be in this mess". I struggle with the fact that I tell him I will stay in the marriage if he does x,y,z but then I don't give him anything when he actually is trying to do it.

Your post actually spurred me to send my SAWH an encouragement for how he handled last night with my complete meltdown. Not a high five by any means...but just a recognition of positive recovery. I still don't know if I feel like I have given him a free pass, but it also felt kinda good at the same time. then again - I have always been accused of being too nice and getting walked all over.

ughghg.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CDS - If I could "like" your post, I would. SAWHs are supposed to go to their sponsors, recovery friends, therapist for their support. One of the main dynamics for us to change has been me being his "Mommy". I can have my own thoughts and feelings and don't need to baby him all the time. If he does something I appreciate, I tell him but I am not to be his cheerleader.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy - I'm not in COSA or A-non...there isn't anything here unfortunately for us. My SAWH's sponsor suggested maybe me and his wife get together and talk so I could have someone IRL.

but I have you guys and just putting all that out there and out of my head was healing in itself.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UMBL - That would be a start! I know someone else that was on here started her own COSA group, with the help of her therapist. Is there an SA group that your SAWH goes to? If so, there should be plenty of women to start a COSA group. Having the support of others in the same boat is a life saver! This board is a good start but IRL is important. What about therapy?

[This message edited by Missymomma at 11:56 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First appt with therapist is July 2nd. We are meeting as a couple first and then going from there for what both of us needs. I'm hanging on by a thread... My SAWH is also going to get tested for ADHD which I think he has severely.

His SA group is actually pretty big and he already has a good support network and is getting two and three check in calls a day. His sponsor actually suggested that maybe his wife and me could start our own COSA group. I may do that down the road, but right now I'm doing good to take a shower in the morning and drive to work.

This isn't my first go around with this with him - this is just the first time I have actually accepted it - him too for that matter.

and oh my gosh that whole cheerleader/setting up appts/sending links etc...was ME!!! but not this time... I have not done one iota for him this time. That was one of stipulations - he has to do this, completely on his own and for that, I will not drop kick him out the door.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UMBL,

I've been so mired down in my own misery that I failed to acknowledge your pain. I'm sorry for your circumstances but, so glad you found us. I have found great comfort among my fellow strugglers.

Reading your last post took me back to 4 months ago when my life took a nose dive. I identify with every word you wrote. Even tho we have been facing some extremely challenging times financially, I still had great joy in many other areas of my life which made it bearable. This event has totally sucked the life out of me for the time being. Fortunately, I have recently had some better days so I know that what I'm experiencing is just one of those expected set backs. I try daily to prepare myself for the certainty that there will be more but, with the help of my SI friends I'm becoming better equipped to handle them.

As I said in my previous post, my H is beginning to see the full impact of the fallout in regards to the losses he may very well encounter. I have suffered many losses because of this which I resent since I had nothing to do with it.

My grandchildren have brought so much joy to my life however, the last couple of times we were able to be together I found myself staying locked away in the bathroom for extended periods of time. My nerves are completely rattled & I just can't take the normal yelling & squealing of children at play. This is incredibly hard for me too & makes me angry at myself that I can't put myself in a frame of mind to be able to enjoy our time together.

I have likened this event to the recent series of tornados that destroyed the communities in the mid west. I sensed a storm coming & went down into the storm shelter for protection. I came out to a disorienting devastation which left me feeling completely helpless as to what my next step should be. I have only started the clean up & am overwhelmed at times when I think of even getting to the place where rebuilding can occur.

As painful as this is, we are all in this together. I hope you can find as much comfort here as I have. Collectively there is so much knowledge & understanding here. I hope you take advantage of what you have available to you here!

Sending you hugs & good thoughts for strength today for you to be able to make it thru!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh (((((Outta)))))) ...thank you...your words are exactly what I am feeling that it just almost takes my breath away. This devastating pain is the same for all of us and just knowing that I am not alone is comforting when nothing else is.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CDS, my post was not prompted by yours. I see how it could be interpreted as such, but I swear I was just reading my old stuff and randomly posting old crap here - which I do from time to time. So don't take it as a direct response to your sitch.

I am frequently put on the spot by newbies when I am in S-Anon, group therapy, etc about having future kids with an SA. I really really hate when it happens, because my story is not what they want or need to hear. Usually, when a newbie asks me, their SAWH is in a different place in recovery than mine was - so of course it is worthy of consideration. Mine was not. So for me it was never an option. So it is very very important that when you hear my experience, some of my factors are very profoundly different than yours.

I was 40 when I found out. When we married 12 years before, we had talked about having 3 or 4 kids, about two years apart starting no later than 2003. I have zero fertility issues, basically knew every single time I ovulated in my whole life so each one was conceived first month of trying and were planned. #2 was extremely high maintenance for many reasons (actually still is ), and the transition from 2 to 3, when you have more kids than you have hands, when you go from man-to-man defense to zone , when you have to accept that it is literally impossible to do everything for all three at certain times, etc was really hard for both of us. SAWH basically decided he was okay with being done with 3, couldn't imagine why I would want another. This is also when his addiction, unbeknownst to me, got extremely bad so he was being a shit. I still had pangs of wanting one more. If we were going to do it, it had to be soon.

Then he got laid off. Had no work for six months. Our savings were meager because this was his third layoff. It took him six months to get a job, and when he did we moved cross-country to a city that is famous for high unemployment/crime/basically going to hell in a handbasket, for a company that had filed bankruptcy, more than a thousand miles from friends and family, where he had to work 80+ hours a week for the first year (plus acting out time). So obviously planning for another was not a good idea. In addition, I began to wonder if I would really be able to chase the other three while PG or with a newborn since I was effectively a single parent. But baby lust is very difficult. It is hard to accept with your youngest it will be the last time you nurse a baby, last time you will see your child say their first work, first steps, etc.

Then DD happened and the shit hit the fan. He was not truly remorseful, did the textbook song and dance avoiding diagnosis and entering recovery, etc. and I knew there was more I didn't know. So in that, any hopes of having one more, at least with him, were crushed. Obviously I could not have another with him then, and likely not ever given what I needed to do to recover myself. Not only that, I couldn't be sure at that time an OC might pop up because WTF, I couldn't be sure of anything.

I put the nail in the coffin. I made him get a vasectomy. I know it is not an appropriate condition for R or for recovery for anyone. But he had already said he was done, we had talked about him doing it when he was done, it really was a formality outside the SA at this point. And it was the one thing he was willing to do on his own to make me feel more safe. But I died a little inside that day. It was more traumatic for me than I anticipated. But I knew I made the right decision. I couldn't bring another child into the world from this man, into the chaos that my life was at that time. I really didn't know how *I* was going to recover and do the best by me and the kids as it was.

It was hard. There was a very pregnant woman in my first therapy group. There was another in my second, who was PG when she found out, had to put off group therapy until the baby was older, then got PG again while in group with me. Went through the entire PG in group and brought the baby with for the last couple months. So I felt like I could not speak about this part of my life in great detail out of respect for the PG women. And I even was asked about it when our group served as a panel for another new group - when our purpose was to provide a beacon of hope that this does get better with time. How can you tell this story to someone freshly obliterated by this, next to someone who had two babies at the height of the storm? But even this story has some merit, even if it is depressing. It illustrates how you need to do what you need to do, and no one else can tell you what you need but you.

I would never presume to tell anyone when to have a baby. If everyone waited for the ideal time to have one, the human race would have been long extinct. There is no ideal time. You have to look at your own factors and circumstances and make the best choices you can at that time. And it still may not turn out the way you planned. I personally don't think 41 is "too old" to have a baby, but again I don't have infertility issues so I don't know that road. Missy sounds like she has a lot of info on that front, I would totally take her up on it before making any decision.

I also don't think SA precludes you from adoption, but again I have not gone down that path. I know it takes a very long time to adopt a relatively healthy caucasian baby, or to adopt any baby from overseas. But it is my impression it is not difficult to adopt a baby that is mixed race, has health issues, or other impairments. It is also my impression it is not difficult to adopt older children, especially siblings together. Again, not from personal experience but what I have gleaned from others. That was the plan B for SAWH and I in the beginning, if we could not conceive for whatever reason, we would go one of those routes. So I would also not despair if a baby does not appear to be an option for you now, by choice or chance. You will always have options in the future, just maybe not the ones you first considered.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds,

Sometimes I think we must have known each other somewhere in the past because you know me too well! I always thought of myself as H's helper. He has always been a hard worker (workaholic) and has always worked under tremendous pressures so whenever I saw an opportunity that I could help relieve the stress he was under I just did it. Now I know that in doing that he became more & more dependent on me to just keep picking up the slack. At the time, I just saw it as an act of love that I knew he would in turn appreciate my efforts to play on his team. Now, who is the one guilty of fantasizing?

Nope, he never even noticed & in the end took full advantage of my willingness to be helpful and, as I said, took it for granted that I would just continue to do it. I was way too naive for someone my age but, I totally get it now!

I'm at a loss as to how you begin to rebuild trust in someone who has these traits. I know old habits die hard and, to be honest, it's just his MO. I'm not even sure that he gets how he is able to twist things up to where they only make sense to him. Frustrating to say the least! Just feels like we are starting from scratch & doesn't feel like we have a lot to work with.

Thanks for the input everybody! I couldn't do this without you!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my phone, this won't be my normal verbose post, lol...Outta, HE IS TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU! Listen to the others. They said it well.
Cds, hugs, honey....hard place to be.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oy, this thread moves too fast. <giggle>

Outta, I could write a book about it but it has already been said. HE is the one manipulating, blameshifting, gaslighting. It takes a long time for that to go away even under the best of circumstances. Stand strong to your boundaries.

Oh, I also told my H when he whined about lack of support that I consider the fact that I have not walked out the door, taken the kids, divorced him on the spot, restricted his visitation, and told everyone he knows to be the most profound act of kindness one human being can show to the other.

Tru dat. And I think that should be said to all SAWHs at least once. Every day you are there is a gift.

As to how to get past stuff and not physically recoil at the idea of relations with someone with such a prolific bodycount...gah, that is complicated. The short answer is time.

The longer answer is that I read here early on that the longer the SA does without, the more the fog lifts and they start to see what they need to do, if the issue is they want to get better but can't. With that in mind, we had a really long abstinence period. With no sex on the table, it really let us focus on every other aspect of our relationship. I did not have to deal with those mind movies, repulsion, etc in a sexual context. So it hasn't ruined sex for me.

Note I said "we" and not he. "We" had abstained for a year, and then as I was seeing progress I decided it was time to resume slowly. When I decided to resume...he had a breakdown and admitted to his sponsor and CSAT he never was sober for than more two weeks at a time. White-knuckling with MB. So his abstinence clock was reset so he could have the necessary brain flush.

Right after that came the disclosure debacle period, when I learned the body count was 10x what he told me. And he failed the poly. I decided I needed abstinence from him until further notice, and was questioning whether I would even stay with him. So again, I was having the same mind movies and repulsion, much worse this round, but not in a sexual context. It was at this time he really started doing what needed to be done with recovery.

But I had already detached, was ready to start the motions to leave. So mentally I was focused on my own recovery and not him at all, and I flourished. He also progressed. So then when I decided I could stay and see how it pans out, I was in a much better place. I still have those moments of doubt, repulsion, etc but I don't have them during sexual moments. I really think it is because I chose a really long abstinence period for myself, even though it was sort of dictated by circumstances as I went along. I don't have to deal with whether he wants me, if he can perform, if I can not think about crap when those moments arise. But I had to do without for a very long time to get here. For many, that would be a dealbreaker. For me, it was my salvation.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAfWH tried that on me in the early days. I almost fell for it. Working the Sanon program, (DETACH) helped. It's where I realized that I was in fact co-dependent and enabling.

Now, he tries to manipulate me with the phrase "it's been (X number of years, I've been sober for (x) number of weeks and you still haven't made any progress!" This after I've had a meltdown, often in response to something he has said or done that I perceive as insensitive or "old" behavior. I recently sent him this email.

I think I am AMAZING!

I have scarey nightmares only 2-3 times a week instead a 6-7.
I only go and park the car in deserted places to cry about once a week instead of every day
I don't cry in the bathtub every night
Most weekends I don't stay paralyzed in bed. I used to do that every other weekend it's. Now only occasionally
I am starting to relax when you rub my back and am not as haunted by ghosts

It's a LONG process. It was a long history of lies and abuse.

He understood. At least for that moment.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath - Your strength is always so inspiring! You really have handled yourself with so much dignity. I strive hard to get to that point.

Scaredy - Love that note to your SAWH! Sometimes they just don't get it.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.