R has been going so well the last couple of weeks. I feel we have really turned a corner. fWH is working SO hard on his issues and it is wonderful to see the changes in him. I have been working very hard on letting go of the pain and trauma surrounding the A and it feels good. I feel positive about our future together, I know we're going to get through this.
BUT there is this anger thing.
Since D-Day I have been on the proverbial roller-coaster, I've lurched through the entire spectrum of emotions but the over-riding emotion has ALWAYS been anger. I have ranted, raved, screamed, shouted, flung things around, called fWH names... I have EXPRESSED my anger. There is not a single angry thought that fWH has not heard, seen and felt emanating from me in glorious technicolour. Again. And again. I never knew it was possible for a single human being to radiate anger the way I have! I could have lit up an entire city with the sheer force of my rage. This has gone on for 9 full months....
A few weeks ago I realised it was time to call "time" on this thing. Seriously. Enough already. fWH KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am pissed off with him in the extreme about the A. There is no reason to keep on and on with all the yelling. It is destructive. It is bad for my health, bad for fWH, bad for our relationship, bad for our family. Enough!
I had a long chat with fWH and let him know that although I was going to stop destroying all of our crockery he was in no way to get the impression that I was finished being angry with him. I will always be angry with him for his arseholish behaviour, but I was going to "lay down arms" and focus on re-building our relationship, loving him and having some fun. In all seriousness, we had a really good talk and have reached a very good understanding and the last couple of weeks have been good. We have had moments of sadness, some dips in the roller-coaster, but we have come through them well. I am NOT suppressing anything, and when things crop up (which they frequently do) we talk them through. Life has felt so lovely and peaceful and positive.
So it hit me really hard when on Friday I had this horrible "episode" Our 18 year old daughter did something really annoying (nothing earth-shattering or serious, just annoying typically teen-age behaviour) and I COMPLETELY over-reacted. .. I found myself yelling and screaming at her. It was awful. The poor girl was so hurt! I felt absolutely terrible about it and humbly apologised to her and explained that my reaction was way OTT.
I am devastated. This is just not me. I don't parent in that way. Yes I have been known to scream and shout, but not for some minor misdemeanour! My girls know that I only go off "pop" when they have done something seriously wrong.
Clearly, what happened on Friday was pent-up anger that came pouring out the minute I got a little bit cross. Something like a road-rage incident and my poor child was the target...
I can't be doing this. And I don't know how to handle it. The thing is I have expressed all the anger I feel towards fWH. I really have, I haven't held back at all. But I can't keep on and on expressing the same old things again and again. I am so tired of the fighting and it is destructive to our relationship. On the other hand I don't see how I will miraculously suddenly stop feeling angry. I just don't know what to do? I am at a loss as to how to handle this. One thing I know for sure is that I don't want to be unleashing my pent up fury on my teenage daughter!!
Just wondered if anyone here has experienced this kind of thing? Any input?
I am looking at finding an IC - I have exhausted all options in my area, and will have to look further afield which is going to be very difficult logistically, but I think it's necessary.