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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He triggered me, now he's quiet
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were in the car going to pick up pizza for dinner. I was driving. The song "Forever My Lady" by Jodeci came on. He used to sing that to me all the time. So he grabs my hand and starts singing. I felt the tears coming. I pulled my hand away then asked him to change the channel. He did immediately.

On the way home, I told him that the words to that song now seem hollow and that I was about to cry. That I didn't want to cry tonight. He apologized and said he'll never sing it to me again. I said maybe next time I won't trigger.

So now, he's being quiet. Staying away from me. Before we left, he was sitting with me on the couch, rubbing my leg. I'm on the couch now while he's sitting in the chair.

I've told him in the past that when I trigger I need him to tell me he loves me. To hold me. Most days he's very good. Tonight not so much...


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 788 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Triggers are the worst pain.

Maybe reiterate what you need from him when it does happen? Not meaning to generalize, but the men I've know personally can sometimes be a little dense and intimidated.

Hang in there


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally hear you on this. One of FWH's strongest instincts is to flee when presented with conflict. Feelings (not just mine) equal conflict in his brain.

To this day I have to recite a calm, slow script about how I am triggering and I need him not to check out. The deal is that if I can muster it in a non-confrontational way he needs to work to stay checked in.

I'm hoping something more organic evolves out of this someday. For now, we're working on it.

Maybe you can find a calm, quiet moment to ask him how you can help him stay present when he feels himself retreating?

(((TXBW)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:02 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero. - J. Winger

Posts: 17552 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe reiterate what you need from him when it does happen? Not meaning to generalize, but the men I've know personally can sometimes be a little dense and intimidated.

I agree....
Tell him what you need.

And yes, sometimes we men really are that dense! :)


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 4

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