Did you ever think that you would have reacted the way you actually did?
Actually, I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.
This whole experience has been an eye-opening, live changing event. I try to never ever judge people making life decisions, especially if I've never been in their shoes.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Talk about feelings of self betrayal.
Before I would have said, "throw him out".
But I discovered the A via skype sex chats 5 days before he was meeting her for at a conference they both attend for a 9 day sex holiday and a coming out as a couple to their peers.
They had been planning our divorce and where they would live. They had even worked out how often they would be willing to take our kids (no more then 2 weekends a month, they wanted to live their own life unencumbered)
That night via the chat logs I also discovered the OW routinely drank to black out state and hated kids (her own admissions).
There was no way I was letting that creature near my kids. I also had an overwhelming desire to completely f&*k up her plans. She had dumped her BH a few months earlier to be with my WH.
I intended to toss WH out and get a restraining order using the skype logs as evidence.
But when I tried to toss WH out and he begged to stay, I saw an opportunity to destroy the OW. I sucked it up, let him stay, and had him immediately send a NC email to OW.
I will say it gave me great pleasure to know that she had already traveled a great distance and was in the conference city waiting for him. Even better... without him she had no hotel room reserved for the 9 days.
Initially, my plans were to "play along" until I knew OW was good and gone. I wanted her life to blow up just as big as mine had. I know for a fact it has.
Somewhere along the way I noticed that my WH was actually doing the work to change and become a decent human being. Now I am staying because I can see the potential for a promising future.
Wen it happened, I tried to make it work for 2 years before I bailed. He had left years before.
I never imagined, she'd have an extraM A. All the time people said if at all, I'd be the one who would have an A between exW and me.
I got a chance too, but, didn't avail the offer.
My laywer too asked me if I was having an A, and trying to get rid of my wife. This was before discovering the A but after getting threats of DV and mental torture over her changed behaviour, due to the A of course.
Some of the things he would say to me were along the lines of "I'm leaving, I can't take your shit anymore!" mostly because he had to beg me for sex. I mean, when you tell your wife "Shut up, bitch!" and then 5 minutes later he is in bed with you and wants to fool around, I need a little bit more foreplay then the standard "Shut up, bitch!" Can't imagine why I didn't want to have sex with him.
So, when he would threaten me with leaving, I would think "Go ahead and leave, go find someone else to fuck, do you think anyone else would want to have sex with you?" HAHAHA! Guess I was wrong. I also didn't think it would hurt me, I thought I would be relieved. Just like Jrazz.
I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.
I thought I would kick his ass to the curb. Instead, I wound up comforting HIM on d-day. No, really didn't think I would react that way!
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
But then reality hits: I got a glimpse of the type of lowlife she would pick to raise our 4 children. So R has to be given every chance.
Funny enough, when I confronted on DDay, that's exactly what he saw and realized. I think that the exact words out of my mouth were "you have one and only once chance to come clean to me. If you lie to me, then don't let the door hit you in the ass, you bastard!" I was ready and willing to boot him out. Of course, at that time, I didn't actually KNOW that he had had a ONS. I found loads of info in the computer indicating that he was looking, talking to women, and begging for sex, but not the actual proof. When he gave it up, I know that I lost my mind. But in my rage, a sane voice told him exactly how it would be, and we continued on from there.
I never thought that would happen. I was convinced that I would boot him out. I have no idea of why I didn't, except for his coming clean and me still loving him.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
He came clean and they are still together. What I find strange is that the lady is still a family friend....
But I was no more alone then I was in my marriage. My XH was a difficult person...very manipulating, compulsive liar, everyone but his family came first, blah, blah, blah. When the affair and everything else that came flooding in finally settled, I realized he wasn't worth it anymore. I wanted better or nothing at all. That is when I left.
Taking the year and a half allowed me to get straight in my head. I am glad I didn't rush it, but I do wish I had left sooner.
"The only thing left to do is forgive and forget. I want to forgive you and I want to forget you!" ~Lauren Conrad
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
Unfortunately this wasn't my first rodeo with infidelity, and he knew it. I'm actually pretty sure he told me about the affair so that he could have an excuse to leave.
Well, I was right about the second part. I just had no idea that pissed would extend to bat shit crazy.
Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?
I wouldn't have....because it wasn't even a possibility.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Love is a Verb.